I found that I was unable to control my thoughts by brute force, therefore I had to change the way I think about my thoughts.
Now when I get into temptation, I try to remain completely calm and not let my “emotion center” go to work with a bunch of scripts. One of the things I have had to do for my own journey was to learn how to allow negative thoughts to come and go without my adding energy to them by fearing them.
One of the ways of doing this is to stop judging my own motives. That took a long time, but one way that I have been haunted throughout my illness is through presumption of my own motives. Satan probably knew that eventually it was a losing battle to convince me that I was incapable of doing anything productive like other people, as I had no doubt in my own capabilities. What was a much more difficult war to wage was to keep me in constant anxiety over whether my motives were pure at any given time.
What I did was, I had to discover, define, and then apply my own idea of what “faith” is. I have enough faith now that I no longer question whether I am doing something (whether somewhat “mischievous” or something mainstream) for good motives. I still have a ways to go on when I don’t get something done – my form of temptation involves procrastination – but at least in the active things I do I am pretty much over it. It seems that whenever I question myself or “why did I do that” I no longer think, “well maybe I’m not just an ignorant fool,” (I am maybe but not pathologically) or, “boy was I just trying to show off?”
What I found is that whatever spirits are within me are bound to show themselves as I face verbal intercourse with other people, and through body language when in person. I am so transparent in terms of telegraphing when I have “negative energy” consciously on my mind that I have learned to cancel the negative energy because I can’t hide it. This is working really well.
One of the more unconventionaly ways to cancel the negative energy was by outsmarting it by overdoing it. For example, when tempted to do something subtle and sinister such as harboring anger toward another Catholic I might not know too well, when I get the temptation I exaggerate it and make a fool of it. I also do this openly so that I may “draw out” the bbbad bone from others. For example, on another thread we were discussing a particular orthodox bishop. I wrote, using negative language, “I suppose hanging him by his thumbs is out of the question.” Funny thing is that kind of stuff seems to shut down threads.

Really, though, I didn’t used to make such comments but I used to be troubled with thinking much less radical ideas. The idea is that we all want to see punishment, but nobody wants to see him tortured. If I equate through juxtaposition a more horrible sin than the one I’m actually tempted to commit, then the actual sin runs in fear and the exaggerated one is either a nudge toward humor (which I believe helps people learn across boundaries) or a way to “get the cards out on the table” and challenge myself or others as to just what exact sort of evil should be done.
It’s like a one-upmanship battle. During the past five years as I am still recovering from a severe period of bipolar illness, I was plagued with horrible thoughts at the most inappropriate times. Some of them happened during Mass. They involved other people, and the most bizarre things imagineable – most of which I couldn’t even speak of because they were so powerful. What I had to do is quit judging those thoughts, quit fearing, keep my eyes focused on my work (coming in at the right time to play music) and eventually relegate those thoughts to the heap of trivia.
Another thing I’ve found is that subtle temptations are much more likely to catch me than blatant ones. It seems like this is the teaching of Christ about when one demon gets chased out it find a half dozen or so “friends” and they all come back. To me, that sounds like every time I have a breakthrough where there is yet another thing I don’t fear (often my fear is an angry or inappropriate reaction to something) then something more subtle and seemingly petty comes up, and I end up getting riled – not for long but for sure – and then discovering that once I get over a big issue, several smaller ones suddenly become the big ones, and so it isn’t enough to “do away” with evil because it will come back from more directions, and better disguised. I had to actually “cancel it out” using some techniques I outlined above.
Some would not like the thoughts that I have learned to allow myself to think. I have even engaged – at first with much reservation – at watching things on TV for example that have offensive content for me. Now it’s to the point where I can focus among distractions pretty well if I want to.
This is not a very good explanation, but it’s my first shot at putting some of these ideas and feelings into words.
Gosh more to say but I have to go for a bit…
Alan