Do you give without judgement or

[leonie]

should you evaluate if your giving “enables” a lifestyle?

I just wonder. I have extended members that are poor and needy. But, it seems like the more financial assistance they get, the less they work.

But, they also have minor children, so if they aren’t helped, then the kids suffer.

It just seems like they do the bare minimum to survive. But, then again, I know each has some problem that impedes their ability to be productive–addictions, borderline personality disorders, etc.

And, these particular people seem sometimes to be manipulative. If they are helped, and the person stops helping them, they turn on the benevolent one. And, it doesn’t seem to be a matter of mentoring. People have tried to mentor them. And, they just seem untrainable. They can’t keep jobs for long. They’ll “milk” the mentor for as long as the mentor will let them.

It’s the kind of person who works the system. I think there is some sort of mental/psychological problem with this type of person. I doubt that it’s a a deliberate evil, but it’s very draining. I don’t think they can really help it. My friend who works with the homeless for a church organization runs into this type of person alot.

It’s hard to see them suffer the poverty, esp. with their kids.

But, what do you do? Do you give what you can, and not worry too much about the consequences. Or, do you let them fend for themselves–it seems like they eventually find someone to help them? Or, do you try to set conditions on the material assistance? I’ve seen that backfire, too. Eventually, they start to resent the conditions and get hateful.

What does God want us to do for the personality type who takes and takes and takes…

 

[vz71]

I would highly recommend a book that might help in the situation.

Bridges Out of Poverty: Strategies for Professionals and Communities

Perhaps the real need here is not monetary.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I have two thoughts here. One relates more to the needy that we do not know. St Vincent de Paul said that we should give to all beggers–even those that we think might use the money for drink etc. He said giving alms is our responsibility, given to us by Christ, and we would be judged on that. What happens to the money is the responsibility of the begger–and he will be judged on that.

The situation you discuss–with family members or friends is a bit different because you aren’t handing them $5 and walking away. Is there anyway you can help the children directly? For example, take them shopping for school clothes, put money on their lunch card at school, pay for s summer camp? That way the children will not suffer as much, but the parents won’t have an opportunity to squander the money.

If you truly feel that the children are in a dangerous situation, with the parents drinking or doind drugs for eample, it may be best to involve social services. Perhaps a church-based charity that has people trained to help in exactly this sort of situation.

Prayerfully consider whether you are being called to have one or more of the children live with you.

I will be praying for you and for them.

 

[Monica37]

You mentioned Borderline PD, this behavior is a major characteristic of this disorder. Personality disorders are very difficult to treat and overcome, but they can be. The problem is the person has to want to change and most times they don’t see a need because they have gotten so skilled in manipulation. It’s very difficult with small children and they suffer greatly. Have you thought about things like gift certificates to children’s clothing stores or to a grocery store instead of cash? Otherwise, let them know that you can not support them but that you are willing to take the kids shopping for school supplies, clothes, or just have them come over for dinner occasionally. If this is impacting your family then you are doing a diservice to them and need to let your extended family know that you have to focus on your family too.

There are a lot of good books on borderline pd (sorry, it’s been a while since I worked in mental health and don’t remember the names anymore). I know there was one specifically geared toward those who live with someone with borderline. I’ll try to do a google search and pm it to you.