Is that not just semantics?
The traditional meaning of courtship didn’t rely on whether the couple married. I don’t see why dating shouldn’t be goal oriented, the point of dating is to discern marriage with a person, is it not?
I would say that there is a de facto pre-engagement period. Engagement should still be a period of discernment, but it would be unusual for a couple to not be quite sure they want to marry each other after they’re engaged.
I never courted but I do know people who did.
Ironically, though many courtship advocates state courting is superior to dating because both participants know what the ground rules are, that’s really far from the case.
Duggar (or Bates) style courtship with chaperones, no kissing until marriage, and suitors being pre-screened by Daddy, is really an extreme variation of courtship, not all who “court” follow such strict guidelines.
One of the women I knew who believed in courting, was far from a stereotypical homeschooled sheltered teenager expecting to move right from daddy’s house to hubby’s and have no aspirations other than being a wife and mother. She was in college, living on her own and planning to either become a lab scientist or a physician. “Courting” to her seemed not much different from “dating” except for (1) the focus on marriage as an end goal and (2) not having sex.
So yes, to some people all they mean by “courtship” is just “chaste dating to discern marriage” and it’s just about semantics.
That still doesn’t answer my question though. The definition of courtship according to the OP seems to allow for “multiple courtships”? What’s with that?
Well, I think most people who find “courting” to be superior to dating, do see the ideal marriage as one in which both spouses are not only physically “pure” at marriage but have never had any serious emotional attachments to anyone else before, either.
The idea is that previous emotional attachments are just as detrimental to a marriage as previous sexual relationships. They decry dating as promoting “serial monogamy” and surely not training young people to have long lasting relationships, but to merely move on to the next conquest once the initial infatuation wears off.
However, obviously reality is not so simple, and so most do not oppose “multiple courtships” in the sense not of seeing more than one suitor at a time, but out of a realization that not all courtships will work out and some people will wind up going through more than one courtship.
But the ideal is to still reserve “falling in love” to the engagement stage when they know marriage is around the corner, or even to the actual marriage, that the couple is supposed to maintain some emotional distance even during engagement.
I do think some courtship models are quite close to arranged marriage, in that they go beyond a simple acknowledgement that there is a level of emotional intimacy that should be reserved to marriage. They discourage couples from becoming emotionally attached
at all, because they see courtship
not as a time to bond emotionally, but is meant to be a “discernment period” that involves essentially a cold, dispassionate, objective evaluation of each other to see if they are a Godly Man or Woman, and if they would make a Good Spouse.
While the “no kissing” and other rules on physical contact are primarily meant to prevent sexual temptation, they are also meant to allow for this dispassionate “discernment”, at least theoretically.
Real Life is of course another matter. I recall reading on the Bates blog that the oldest son, the first to start courting, did follow extremely strict courtship rules, but had his heart broken anyway by his first love interest, and then they realized that it was essentially impossible to get to know someone well enough to determine if they are marriage material, without getting emotionally attached. I did see a few Bates episodes and their attitude toward courtships seemed much more relaxed than the Duggars.
As for the idea that courtships don’t go on for years like some dating relationships do.
Where the Bates are concerned, I don’t think any of their official courtships went beyond a year, maybe two if you count both the courtship and engagement period. BUT there is some semantics going on. Michaella supposedly pining for Brandon for many years before they actually started to court, is one example.
Also, Alyssa had a very short courtship but was “friends” with the man who became her husband for some time before. She married very young and her husband is much older, and it seemed the main reason they didn’t start the courtship earlier was because of this age difference.
Anyway, even without Reality TV examples, I think one problem with many forms of courtship, is that it assumes the courting couple has supportive family members who are very invested in the courtship, and also are actually qualified to help their kids in marriage discernment. Unfortunately, much like actual arranged marriage, not all parents are up to the task.
Some might be tempted to marry off their kids even if they’re not ready, or whitewash any issues the kids might have, because they’d rather have the kids married and making the best of it, especially in cultures where marriage is seen as something everyone HAS to do whether they find a perfect partner or not.
(Same things happens in actual arranged marriages, too. Some Orthodox Jews hide the presence of certain genetic diseases in their families, because telling the truth would put their kids at a disadvantage in the marriage market.)
And that’s not even getting into the issue of parents who are frankly abusive, mentally ill, or have other issues that would make them the very last people a young person should depend on for help with marriage discernments.
