Do you "have" to forgive if the person you're forgiving isn't sorry?

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Waiting for an apology just sustains the other person’s power over you. The only way to move forward is to say ‘I forgive you, whether you like it or not. Neither of us are perfect, you messed up, but I’m not waiting for you to recognize that.’

But just because you’ve forgiven them, doesn’t mean you have to have them as a regular part of your life. Sometimes even parents have to be kept at arms length for our own well being.
 
I am sorry for your relationship with your mother. It really hurts when one who is supposed to love you unconditionally either can’t show or doesn’t know how to show that love. I feel as if I could have written your post myself not so long ago. As far as forgiveness goes, it has been very thoroughly covered in the other posts. I wish I could say that you do “a, b, c, and x, y, and z” and that’s how you forgive someone who is unrepentant, but it’s unfortunately not that easy. You are already on the right path, though, it seems. My own first step in forgiving those who have hurt me was to ask what it would involve to forgive that person. What it would involve to not forgive that person. Once I saw the costs of holding on to resentments and hurts, I started wanting to forgive them. It didn’t happen overnight, and in fact, I still am not sure as to whether or not I have “completely” forgiven them at times. I do know that I’m closer now than I was, and that I’m always changing and evolving, so if I’m not there now, I hopefully will be closer tomorrow.

Another thing that helped me (and I don’t know if it’s feasable in your case, but if it is, I would recommend considering it) was moving out on my own, to where I had a place to go to when my parents started “acting-up”. I now ask them politely to stop a couple of times. If they don’t, then I will leave. The first few times I did that caused a few fights, but after explaining why a few times, I don’t hear many complaints about it lately.

One important part of forgiveness is to take control of the relationship, and take responsibility for the parameters of that relationship, and stick to them. Try to come to an agreement with the other party, but if that’s not possible, still stick with your preset paramenters. I will not be around my mom when she’s angry, because that’s the times that we fight the most, and have our worst fights. It doesn’t go against honoring your father and mother if you do walk out to try to prevent a fight. In fact, I see it as you’re honoring her enough to prevent an ugly situation in the first place. Offer to discuss the situation later, when you both are calmer.

I will be praying for you and your mother. Forgiveness is not an easy thing to do, but I can assure you that starting on the journey is so worth it, and keeping on the journey has helped in starting a relationship with my mother. Even if that’s not the case in your situation, it will help you move on and still be caring and loving towards your mother.

God Bless!
Ericka
 
Also, I am reminded of a saying “To understand your enemy is to cease having an enemy” (or something along the lines of that). In understanding how my mother functions and sees the world, I am reminded of Jesus saying “Forgive them for they know not what they do” of those who crucified him. I know my mom is afraid of love because she’s been hurt in the name of love in this situation, that situation, and etc… Still doesn’t excuse the behavior, at least not fully, but in trying to understand my mother’s life experiences, I’ve been able to let some of her behavior go. Doesn’t mean I won’t call her out on it, though, and let her know she’s very inappropiate with saying something (in private, not in front of others).

God Bless!
Ericka
 
On the individual level, forgiveness represents the only way to true inner peace–Fr. John Rausch

Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong–Ghandi
 
ericka1701 said:
Doesn’t mean I won’t call her out on it, though, and let her know she’s very inappropiate with saying something (in private, not in front of others).
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Ericka, you are very fortunate to be able to do this. Any time I tried to communicate this kind of thought to my mom opened the door for tears and accusations of what a hurtful, ungrateful, etc daughter I was. I had to learn to ignore the hurtful things she said, forgive her in my heart and move on - she really just could not see where her words and deeds were inappropriate.
 
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RobHom:
If you don’t literally “forgive” the wrongs, it will end up eating you alive and find that despite your strongest feelings to the opposite, those that you do not forgive will have a greater hold on your heart and soul than you can imagine

While we are called to forgive, nowhere does it say that we are to “forget” the past. Forgetting what has transpired in the past will only permit repeats of history. While you forgive, you do not forget…and the reason not to forget is to prevent “repeating” the past.
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RonHom says exactly what I would have said.

I found it very difficult to convince my mother that because she did not intend to be hurtful or put me down that I was not weird feeling hurt or put down.

She would justify what she said by saying she was trying to make me a better, more sociable person who was more considerate of people.

I would end up being the one who was expected to apologise for how I felt, for misunderstanding her or taking what she said literally.
 
Great going! My life became a lot easier when I took the attitude of “softening my heart”. I was really out of control and making decisions based on revenge, anger, pride…you name it. I’m much happier now and don’t regret my decisions nearly as much. * But I sincerely pray for many other people.*
apromisemade said:
Very true. My mother and I had a lot of rough spots. She was abusive to me as a child and we had an awful lot of fights in which I was not innocent. I had always hoped my mother would apologize to me. But one day, for no tremendous reason. I decided to apologize to her. And wouldn’t ya know it, I felt a lot better afterwards.
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Beyond the fact that we are called by Christ to forgive those who trespass against us…which is truly necessary.

Here is a link to an article that gives the psychological import of “forgiveness”… I think if you take the time to read the article and digest the information you will find that one of the reasons to forgive those who do you insult, harm or injury…is to reclaim control of your sanity and life, and ultimately happiness.

guidetopsychology.com/anger.htm
 
SeekingHeaven said:
Yes, you are called to forgive even if the person isn’t sorry for what they’ve done.
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Then why is being sorry for our sins a condition for forgiveness/absolution in the sacrament of Penance?

OP: the only way you may be able to forgive her you may have to “forgive from afar” and cut off/limit contact with her until she is past her menopausal craziness stage, because she clearly is not handling her change of life well and you need to protect your own safety/sanity.

How do you get along with your father?
 
Norseman82 said:
Then why is being sorry for our sins a condition for forgiveness/absolution in the sacrament of Penance?

OP: the only way you may be able to forgive her you may have to “forgive from afar” and cut off/limit contact with her until she is past her menopausal craziness stage, because she clearly is not handling her change of life well and you need to protect your own safety/sanity.

How do you get along with your father?
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We need to be sorry for our own sins, not the sins of another.
 
DebChris said:
We need to be sorry for our own sins, not the sins of another.
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What I am asking is this: if the Church can expect us to be sorry for our sins as a condition of granting forgiveness/absolution, why can’t we expect others to be sorry as a condition for our forgiveness as well?
 
Norseman82 said:
What I am asking is this: if the Church can expect us to be sorry for our sins as a condition of granting forgiveness/absolution, why can’t we expect others to be sorry as a condition for our forgiveness as well?
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Because if we wait until someone is sorry for what they have said/done to us or someone else then we may carry the anger/resentment at their actions for a long time or forever. We then carry a burden that may upset our relationships with other people.

Also some people may never recognise what they have done/said is unacceptable and so never be sorry. Others may always think or feel that their actions were justified - eg in telling how we really are, pointing out our flaws so we can correct what they consider our sins or defects, breaking a confidence.

Maybe also because the double burden of what someone has said along and done along with a refusal to be sorry for what they done/said can consume us too much.

I think we often forgive as much, or even more, for ourselves as for the others involved.

Also forgiving doesn’t mean we are saying we approve of their behaviour and will tolerate it in future. As another poster has said it may not involve telling someone we have forgiven them, especially if this is likely to lead to more of the same from them.
 
Salonika said:
Because if we wait until someone is sorry for what they have said/done to us or someone else then we may carry the anger/resentment at their actions for a long time or forever. We then carry a burden that may upset our relationships with other people.

Also some people may never recognise what they have done/said is unacceptable and so never be sorry. Others may always think or feel that their actions were justified - eg in telling how we really are, pointing out our flaws so we can correct what they consider our sins or defects, breaking a confidence.

Maybe also because the double burden of what someone has said along and done along with a refusal to be sorry for what they done/said can consume us too much.

I think we often forgive as much, or even more, for ourselves as for the others involved.

Also forgiving doesn’t mean we are saying we approve of their behaviour and will tolerate it in future. As another poster has said it may not involve telling someone we have forgiven them, especially if this is likely to lead to more of the same from them.
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The title of the thread is “Do you have to forgive”, implying that the question is whether there is a religious duty to forgive someone who isn’t sorry rather than is it psychologically healthy to forgive.
At least that is how I read it.
 
Norseman82 said:
What I am asking is this: if the Church can expect us to be sorry for our sins as a condition of granting forgiveness/absolution, why can’t we expect others to be sorry as a condition for our forgiveness as well?
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Let’s turn this back to the example given us by Jesus.
Did He wait until those who crucified Him asked for forgiveness?
Did He not cry out, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do?” Are we not called to walk in His footstep?
Did He not lay down His life for our sake while we were still alienated from Him?
Did He not tell the apostles to forgive 70x7 (or an infinite number) times? Did Jesus say you must wait until the person seek your forgiveness before forgiving?
Jesus told us to turn the other cheek. If when we bring our gift to the altar remember that our brother has a grievance against us, we are to go and be reconciled before offering our gift. At no time are we told to wait for the other person to ask forgiveness. Rather we are told to take the first step toward reconciling differences. We ask in the Our Father to be forgiven as we forgive.
This forgiveness that we offer is indeed a spiritual imperative. At the same time, it is psychologically healthy as we let go of those things that prevent us from moving forward in our daily life, and of growing in our spiritual life.
In the confessional, we acknowledge and repent of our sin that our hearts might be converted, that we might draw on the strength and grace of God to live the live to which we have been called. It is all about relationship, our relationship with Him who died for our sins and awaits our return. When we forgive, we open the door to reconciliation. We open the door to the possibility of change within our own life. We let loose the chains that would keep us from living life to the full.
 
DebChris said:
Let’s turn this back to the example given us by Jesus.
Did He wait until those who crucified Him asked for forgiveness?
Did He not cry out, “Father forgive them for they know not what they do?” Are we not called to walk in His footstep?
Did He not lay down His life for our sake while we were still alienated from Him?
Did He not tell the apostles to forgive 70x7 (or an infinite number) times? Did Jesus say you must wait until the person seek your forgiveness before forgiving?
Jesus told us to turn the other cheek. If when we bring our gift to the altar remember that our brother has a grievance against us, we are to go and be reconciled before offering our gift. At no time are we told to wait for the other person to ask forgiveness. Rather we are told to take the first step toward reconciling differences. We ask in the Our Father to be forgiven as we forgive.
This forgiveness that we offer is indeed a spiritual imperative. At the same time, it is psychologically healthy as we let go of those things that prevent us from moving forward in our daily life, and of growing in our spiritual life.
In the confessional, we acknowledge and repent of our sin that our hearts might be converted, that we might draw on the strength and grace of God to live the live to which we have been called. It is all about relationship, our relationship with Him who died for our sins and awaits our return. When we forgive, we open the door to reconciliation. We open the door to the possibility of change within our own life. We let loose the chains that would keep us from living life to the full.
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So, if I am reading this correctly, according to your private interpretation of scripture, the Church is not in compliance with Jesus because it requires people to be sorry for their sins before granting forgiveness / absolution…
 
Forgive, and offer the sacrifice to God for love of Him and for the conversion of sinners.
 
The reason why God expects us to forgive everything, but He reserves the right to only forgive if a person repents is shortly, that He is God, and we are not.

In other words He is the Judge, Jury, and Executioner. . . We are not.

Now is the time of mercy, tomorrow is the time of judgement.

There are two helps to forgiving everyone and everything instantly.

One is that ‘there but for the grace of God go I’, and if you do not know that you could be 100 times more evil than the person you are complaining about in an eyeblink, you do not appreciate that the good habits you have are completely from God and not your own.

Really. It’s true. Completely. When the saints say they are dust, and nothing, it’s not a false or contrived or exagerrated humility. They -know-.

Be careful, for to take for granted what ‘virtues’ you are given as your own, tempts God to take them away and reveal their true corruptness due to pride.

Two, is God’s judgement is awesome, terrifying, and infinite. Who could wish any person to undergo it who could possibly escape it through repentence?

Thus by forgiving the sins of others, we -love- others as our own selves, and hope for the best for while there is still the chance for that best.

After the chance is over, we are happy to see God’s justice, because – it is over. Fini.

🙂
 
CinnamonPetal said:
My Mom and I have had a lot of problems over the past year, arguments and she’s even struck me.

I’ve asked her to apologize to me because at times I’ve dwelled a lot over some things she’s done to me but she never has apologized even once for hitting me.
Things are okay now, but I still get really bothered at times over some things she’s done to me and said to me.

I fight many battles with Depression and that’s part of the reason I’m sure that I dwell over the past, many things in the past not just with my mother.

Any advice?
Sometimes I really feel like I hate her and other people in my life but I know that I truly don’t, I just hate what they’ve done to me and the ones I love.
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Yes Jesus had to forgive those who killed Him, He tell’s us that we have to forgive 7 times 77, meaning countlessly. You can do it then tell Jesus that you nail that part of your life to the cross as the past (if you can) then lay all your burdens at the feet of Jesus on the cross.
After all that is why Jesus took up the cross.

i can only share what I have had to do and what has given me back my life through forgiving and laying it to the cross, for it releases the strength the pain has had over us. Though I know it happened there is no more pain.

Godbless
 
I know it can seem hard at first, but God won’t forgive you unless you forgive others. But what you are responsible for is your will, just decide that you forgive her and then ask Him to give you feelings of forgiveness, too. You don’t have to have them at first, but humans are such that they feel they haven’t chosen to forgive unless the feelings are there, also. So, just ask Him.
 
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