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kimmiediscovery
Guest
Does anyone live with their in-laws? I would be very interested in hearing about your experiences, and how it has affected your marraige.
Thanks!
Thanks!
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FrenzyJen
Guest
Lived with my family (so, my husband’s in-laws) for a while when we had our first child. I hated it. It irreparably damaged my relationships with my parents. If you are looking at this as an option, I strongly recommend finding a different living arrangement.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
We did in that we took my MIL in for about 6 months. While it was stressful, it also was a workable situation. She had a mental difficulty that is under control for now so she is on her own again. Someday she will probably live with us again and I am fine with that.
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Xantippe
Guest
Whenever my family of origin hit a rough spot, my dad would move us in with his parents. Only later did I discover that my mom had HATED it.
I find a week’s visit with my in-laws more than adequate, as my FIL is extremely finicky and sensitive to noise, neither of which quality meshes well with visiting children.
My observation is that adult children tend to revert to being more child-like around their parents, which can be disconcerting for the spouse.
So, it wouldn’t be my first choice, particularly not for newlyweds who haven’t figured out how to be married to each other yet (if you’re having a big newlywed fight, you don’t want to be having it within earshot of in-laws). If it’s a matter of survival, sure, but if you have any other choices, don’t.
I find a week’s visit with my in-laws more than adequate, as my FIL is extremely finicky and sensitive to noise, neither of which quality meshes well with visiting children.
My observation is that adult children tend to revert to being more child-like around their parents, which can be disconcerting for the spouse.
So, it wouldn’t be my first choice, particularly not for newlyweds who haven’t figured out how to be married to each other yet (if you’re having a big newlywed fight, you don’t want to be having it within earshot of in-laws). If it’s a matter of survival, sure, but if you have any other choices, don’t.
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Stilldreamn
Guest
Our eldest daughter and her husband moved in with us when they married (she was in college and expecting). We wanted her to complete her education, and also give them an opportunity to save up a good down-payment for their home. They were with us for around 3 years and it actually worked well. We still had 5 other children at home so I admit it was crowded but everybody pitched in, especially when our grandson arrived.
They have now been married 10 years and have 3 sons and live nearby. We are close, in fact my husband is retired and watches his grandsons frequently.
Our younger daughter and her husband also lived with us for nearly a year during a job transition and although their jobs have taken them far away we vacation together when possible.
I know this arrangement hasn’t worked well for some posters here - I think the fact that our kids were accustomed to being part of a large family helped when adjusting to one more. We also had sons that were near the age of our sons-in-law so that probably helped, too.
They have now been married 10 years and have 3 sons and live nearby. We are close, in fact my husband is retired and watches his grandsons frequently.
Our younger daughter and her husband also lived with us for nearly a year during a job transition and although their jobs have taken them far away we vacation together when possible.
I know this arrangement hasn’t worked well for some posters here - I think the fact that our kids were accustomed to being part of a large family helped when adjusting to one more. We also had sons that were near the age of our sons-in-law so that probably helped, too.
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phillylawyer
Guest
The common thread of these responses seems to be, people who were doing the moving into someone else’s home thought it was terrible and unworkable. People who were having the family move in with them, thought it was fine and worked out well. Maybe it’s just a coincidence based on who responded, or maybe the family that is hosting thinks it’s fine, but the family that has to move out of their house and in with other family (and follow their “rules” and way of doing things) thinks it’s not so great. Just a thought.
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VeritasLuxMea
Guest
How the average young person/couple affords a home (at least where I live) is beyond me. We lived with my parents for about a year and 3 months, they were so great to do this for us. It gave us the time to finish up a reasonable downpayment for a house, as opposed to paying 10% down and being hit with the PMI which is absolutely ridiculous as you get stuck with it for the life of the loan when you do it that way. So thankful to my parents. They were angels. It was difficult for my wife, just for obvious reasons, but they did treat her well. Now, both her and I are very happy that we chose to do it the way we did.
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phillylawyer
Guest
That’s awesome that your parents were so great to live with.
Minor quibble, if you put 10% down, you aren’t stuck with PMI for the rest of the loan. You can get rid of the PMI once your loan to principal drops to 80% (or 78% depending on the rules). If you get an FHA loan and only put 3.5% down, then PMI lasts for the length of the mortgage (under new FHA loan rules - this changed recently). Even in that case though, once get to 20% equity, you can always refinance to get rid of PMI.
Just a minor technical quibble. You are definitely right about how difficult it is for young couples to afford a home these days, particularly in certain areas of the country.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Oh, yes absolutely true for me. If I am around my mom for more than a few hours I revert back. It is both our faults, hers for not treating me as an adult, and mine for submitting into the role she wants me to. It drives my wife nuts.
Normally I am not what one would term a “momma’s boy” In fact I have stood up to my mother and part of why we live across the country is because she was really overstepping her bounds.
I could never live with my mother and keep my family together.
I much prefer my MIL who is a saint on earth.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
That is funny! I did not even notice that. I wonder what my MIL would say if she posted on these boards. I have never really thought about it from her perspective, it must have been hard to move in with your daughters family and sleep in a room with the kids…
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Stilldreamn
Guest
Our daughter used to get annoyed with her husband when he played video games with his younger brother-in-laws
I pointed out that at least it was cheap entertainment and she knew where he was !
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St_Francis
Guest
The one thing I have noticed among those I know who moved in with the wife’s mother (all the situations I know about, oddly enough), there was difficulty in handling criticism to the wife of the husband by the MIL. In one case, the wife shut that topic off with her mother, in the other situations, serious troubles in the marriage ensued. I should add that none of these marriages were of young people but of people who the MILs felt ought to be on their feet by then but who were hit by various economic distresses like 2008.
Just a cautionary note…
Just a cautionary note…
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twf
Guest
My mother-in-law lives with us. There are no issues. She does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc for both me and my wife, as she doesn’t work. We’re spoiled actually. I work from home when not travelling on business and my MIL will knock on the door every afternoon with a cup of coffee in hand and a smile. My wife takes a delicious lunch to work prepared by her mother. Breakfast is on the table when we wake up. No complaints.
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FrenzyJen
Guest
We had the opposite problem in our situation. I was a married woman with my own child and no longer one myself, and my father especially had a very hard time accepting that. We were given sufficient space and privacy, which I am grateful for, but I was still chided for speaking as an adult. I cried into my husband’s arms many nights begging him to get us out faster. It is still an issue, albeit less so now that we live farther away.
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VeritasLuxMea
Guest
Thanks for the clarification, I don’t mean to put false information out there. I could be totally wrong about this, but I could have sworn that the first house we tried to buy–there was some kind of special mortgage situation that would have required us to keep paying the PMI throughout.That’s awesome that your parents were so great to live with.
Minor quibble, if you put 10% down, you aren’t stuck with PMI for the rest of the loan. You can get rid of the PMI once your loan to principal drops to 80% (or 78% depending on the rules). If you get an FHA loan and only put 3.5% down, then PMI lasts for the length of the mortgage (under new FHA loan rules - this changed recently). Even in that case though, once get to 20% equity, you can always refinance to get rid of PMI.
Either way, though, PMI is really terrible and you have to do everything you can to avoid it. You might as well be throwing away money, it gets you nothing in return…
Yeah, and, what I used to get a lot is the whole, “why not move?” thing. I’m sure for some people that would make sense. But my wife and I chose to suck it up and live out a year with my folks if it meant staying where we are. We have both of our sets of parents here, all 3 of our siblings, her cousins, my nieces and nephews and all of our friends. It would have been heartbreaking to have to leave. We’d rather live frugally than give up all of that.
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phillylawyer
Guest
Maybe there was some unique situation in your case that prevented you from paying off your PMI. I certainly am no an expert on mortgages. I just know that in our case we put 10% down and now are planning to pay down the principal enough to get rid of PMI in the next few months. In general, there is a way to get rid of PMI, except with FHA loans. But again, I’m sure you are right and there was some reason you were not able to do so in your case.
As you say, it really does seem like throwing money down the drain. It’s not that you get nothing in return. PMI does enable people who aren’t able to put 20% down on a home to get a mortgage. If there was no PMI, banks would never give you a mortgage for less than 20% down. But, it really does feel like such a waste of money.
There are definitely a lot of factors that come into play and “just move” while sounding good in theory is not always the best option in practice. Family and friends nearby is certainly a huge blessing!
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AnnArbor
Guest
We lived with my in-laws for about a year when we’d only been married a year. It was not a good idea. My in-laws were pretty vocally anti-Catholic, and my ex was unhealthily involved with his mother. I think it is a rare situation in which this works well, and I would certainly avoid it with my own children if possible.
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Xantippe
Guest
I think not sharing a kitchen or bath is important, ideally.
My sister and her husband lived with his parents in Europe for some years when they were college students, had a baby, and when they were just getting started. Not sure how long that was, but it was a long time. My sister’s European in-laws have a big castle-like home where they had raised a good-sized family, and my sister, her husband and the baby got nearly all of the downstairs. As I recall, they got a bedroom and a bath and (this is the really important part), the European in-laws put in a small second kitchen downstairs just for my sister and her family. My sister said at the time something like, “This is how I know they love me!” That arrangement has facilitated many long visits since then.
If I ever had to move in an elderly parent, I’m a big fan of the mother-in-law suite. I like the idea that the elderly parent would have a bedroom, kitchenette and their own bathroom all their own.
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