Do you pick the person you are going to marry

[dumbseeker]

I was discussing with a friend. I was saying, “you choose the woman you’re gonna marry and you should love her.” He said, “no, God chooses the one who you’re gonna marry”

I am troubled by this question. Does God choose your spouse?

 

[mercygate]

I was discussing with a friend. I was saying, “you choose the woman you’re gonna marry and you should love her.” He said, “no, God chooses the one who you’re gonna marry”

I am troubled by this question. Does God choose your spouse?

One chooses a spouse the way one chooses a vocation – through prayerful discernment. One discerns whether one is called to marriage, and one discerns whether THIS is the person through whom one is called to marriage.

Part of the discernment involves practicalities – just as for Priesthood or Religious life: Do I have the necessary natural gifts that dispose me to this form of life? Am I open to the graces that would enable me to live this form of life?

 

[SMHW]

I was discussing with a friend. I was saying, “you choose the woman you’re gonna marry and you should love her.” He said, “no, God chooses the one who you’re gonna marry”

I am troubled by this question. Does God choose your spouse?

In my opinion you’ve asked a question that is more in the scope of the Philosophy Forum than the Family Life Forum because you could just as easily asked if God picks your job, or your pets, or your car, or your hair color. And in the sense that God is always in control, then I guess you can say God picks your spouse.

I think it kind of depends on what people mean when they say, “God chooses the one who you’re gonna marry.” If by that the person means that we have no free will in the matter, I’d have to say, “No way.” But if the person means that God plays a role within the scope of free will, intellect, experience, seemingly random events, etc, then I’d say, “Well, yes.”

 

[samcarter14]

I believe that God chose my spouse. Although I was actively looking for a god-fearing man who was marriage minded when I put up a classified ad (and specified as such in my details online), it was when he (future DH) sent me a picture of himself, that I knew he was the one. I looked at his picture and it suddenly hit me–like somebody speaking to me aloud–“This is the man you will marry.”

I did not love him yet. But i prayed to God, that if it was His will that i marry this man, please change my heart so that I would love him. Sure enough, He did.

 

[monicatholic]

God may have a spouse in mind for us.

but we choose our spouse. we employ free will. we choose. even if we choose someone whom we believe was ‘meant to be.’ we still choose him/her.

in my opinion, ‘meant to be’ romance is a potentially disastrous fairy tale that makes men and women fall victim to emotion-- theirs and their partner’s. how many times, on these forums alone, have we read miserable folks claim, 'but i know this was meant to be…"?

salvation was meant to be. even that we freely choose it or reject. everything else, God brings about a greater good-- in His own time, according to His own pleasure.

there may have been many women with whom my husband might have shared a blessed relationship. and perhaps me, too. but it was ***together ***that we chose to forsake all others. God blessed our choice and keeps blessing it. even if my husband and i failed to realize our best mate choice-- even if that ‘perfect one’ was somewhere very nearby and we missed her/him, God, in His goodness and mercy, can bring about a greater good. if we seek holiness, He blesses us.

our relationship has become something that so deeply seems ‘meant to be’, but that’s because our marriage is becoming what God meant for all marriage to be-- not just ours, but marriage.

 

[Norseman82]

I was discussing with a friend. I was saying, “you choose the woman you’re gonna marry and you should love her.” He said, “no, God chooses the one who you’re gonna marry”

I am troubled by this question. Does God choose your spouse?

The danger of someone saying that “God chooses your spouse” or whatever else can potentially lead to cult-like manipulation.

In the CCC, paragraph 2230, it states that “parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of profession or in that of a spouse”, so obviously the choice is up to us. God is not totally uninvolved, though, because if we look at the world through a Christian “lens”, we will adjust our priorities and dealbreakers to God’s standards.

In my experience, when people say “God chooses your spouse” (or state of life, or profession), it indicates that the person has a problem making decisions. Is your friend married? Is this friend male or female?

 

[jmcrae]

I was discussing with a friend. I was saying, “you choose the woman you’re gonna marry and you should love her.” He said, “no, God chooses the one who you’re gonna marry”

I am troubled by this question. Does God choose your spouse?

God gives us what we should look for in a spouse, but it is we ourselves who make the choice - that is to say, the two together choose each other.

Obviously, if I choose a certain man to be my husband, but he is not choosing me to be his wife, no marriage would ever take place. The two of us chose each other.

God guides us in our choice by showing us what to look for - holiness of life, single (not as obvious to some people as you might think it should be), of the same religion, shares the same values with regard to money, child-rearing, etc. and so on.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Choice is a funny word.

It implies gathering relevant information and discernment between options.

Some people “choose” without looking at all the facts and they discount any information anyone else offers that disagrees with their foregone conclusion.

So they can choose to ignore God’s real will, telling themselves THEY know God’s will.

If you CHOOSE your spouse, as some people here say, it must be a two-way choice. You cannot decide that someone is your soulmate and if they don’t agree that you are their soulmate too you foist yourself on them. That’s being a stalker.

Some people ignore perfectly wonderful people and chase unsuitable mates based on temporary or stupid qualities and end up with problems.

Yes, choosing is a funny word. What do we really choose in life? Maybe if you’d taken a different job you would have gone to a different party and met a different person who struck your fancy.

I think there are several people out there who could help you save your soul as your spouse. So if you miss the bus on one, God’s desire for you to get to heaven can be helped by another. You also have to live as someone who would be considered desirable to someone else who is using God’s standards to choose a spouse. Doesn’t do any good if you find the perfect person and they see you as less than spiritually desirable or less than honest in your life choices.

 

[loved]

I picked my husband and he picked me. We are finite and can only do the best we can to try and discern the infinite will of God.

God may have led us together. Then again, God may have wanted something different for one or both of us. We may have misunderstood His will completely. Was my husband ‘the one’ God had chosen for me from all eternity? I can’t say for certain. We talked to priests and included our close family and friends in the discernment. We prayed and shared and thought things through. We tried to make the best decision in faith, but who can claim to know the mind of God?

Regardless of what God’s original plan for us was, this is His plan for us now. It is our vocation. Through His Church, God permitted it, blessed it and made it holy. He even raised it to the level of a Sacrament. I see my husband and our marriage as a pure gift from God. But it was a gift I could accept or refuse. I could have chosen a different gift. But I am so completely happy I choose the one I did.

 

[puzzleannie]

I was discussing with a friend. I was saying, “you choose the woman you’re gonna marry and you should love her.” He said, “no, God chooses the one who you’re gonna marry”

I am troubled by this question. Does God choose your spouse?

he does in the sense that if you have in general a habit of life in prayer and seeking God’s will in all things, you will be governed by that attitude in finding a spouse as well as in discerning your vocation, career etc. Does God have somebody picked out for you from all time? probably not. did you ask your friend the authority and source for his claim?

generally if you are a guy, the girl does the picking, she just lets you think you chose her.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

I was discussing with a friend. I was saying, “you choose the woman you’re gonna marry and you should love her.” He said, “no, God chooses the one who you’re gonna marry”

I am troubled by this question. Does God choose your spouse?

It goes something like this:

Me: Hi God, how about this one?
God: Nope.
Me: Hi God, how about this one?
God: Nope.
Me: Hi God, how about this one?
God: Still hope.
Me: Hi God, how about this one?
God: Son, I made you the way so that when you met the right woman, you’ll know. And really, get a hobby. You’re boring the heck out of me.

I’m still amazed by how much God is willing to put up with me.

 

[chevalier]

I was discussing with a friend. I was saying, “you choose the woman you’re gonna marry and you should love her.” He said, “no, God chooses the one who you’re gonna marry”

I am troubled by this question. Does God choose your spouse?

Dumbseeker, the one does not preclude the other. You can choose what God chose and you can choose what God didn’t choose. God would not pick your spouse in a sense negating your free will. Lord Jesus chose the Apostles, but they all chose to follow Him. That’s how it works. And I am not sure to what extent vocation to marriage includes a specific person whom to marry. This is not to say God doesn’t care, but I’m still not convinced there’s a plan involving you or me marrying this or that person and not a different one.

At any rate, there is always your choice in marrying someone. Even if it were a, “yes, Lord,” or, “no, Lord,” choice, you’d still be choosing. You wouldn’t be picking the person, strictly speaking, but you’d be choosing whether to marry that person or not.

 

[diggit03]

I believe that God chose my spouse. Although I was actively looking for a god-fearing man who was marriage minded when I put up a classified ad (and specified as such in my details online), it was when he (future DH) sent me a picture of himself, that I knew he was the one. I looked at his picture and it suddenly hit me–like somebody speaking to me aloud–“This is the man you will marry.”

I did not love him yet. But i prayed to God, that if it was His will that i marry this man, please change my heart so that I would love him. Sure enough, He did.

I found this answer very encouraging, thank you.

 

[Rascalking]

I think it’s a little bit of both, actually.

But I don’t like the word, “choose”. Of course, practically, you do “choose” to get married. Falling in love though, is something much more beautiful, more intense that just making a simple choice, or praying to God. When your dating someone, and you begin to realize that your feelings for them are more intense than your feelings for previous men/women, it’s not just because you choose that person, or God led you to them-maybe, it really is a matter of fate.

I’m not saying God has nothing to do it, He does. Romance has a play too though!

 

[roselily]

Oh, show it to you; that I just read this in Faith catholic.com/ Quick Questions:

If God knows the future, how can there be free will?
”
A:

There is nothing to reconcile. Because you know that the sun will be in the sky tomorrow doesn’t mean that you will have caused it to be there! Even though God already knows what our free choices will be in the future, our choices are still ours and are still free. If our free choices change how the future will be, God already knows that and has known it for all eternity.

 

[Lost_Lamb]

Both. God has a spouse in mind for us, but we have to use the free will he gave us to decide for ourselves who we marry.

I firmly believe that God put my husband and I together. There are way too many things that happened to get us in the same place at the same time. I’m just glad I paid attention.

 

[former_Catholic]

I am troubled by this question. Does God choose your spouse?

Free will is universal law as established by God. God does not even violate God’s universal law of free will. You will cross paths with many potential mates, but the choice is yours.
You can build your own heaven or you can build your own hell, so choose wisely, choose prayerfully.

 

[diggit03]

Oh, show it to you; that I just read this in Faith catholic.com/ Quick Questions:

If God knows the future, how can there be free will?
”
A:

There is nothing to reconcile. Because you know that the sun will be in the sky tomorrow doesn’t mean that you will have caused it to be there! Even though God already knows what our free choices will be in the future, our choices are still ours and are still free. If our free choices change how the future will be, God already knows that and has known it for all eternity.

I completely agree with the above. Doesn’t God have a plan for our lives? If we live according to it, we’ll be led the direction we’re supposed to go!

 

[KrazyKaiju]

I’m going to say that both are partially correct. You “pick” the person you marry in the sense that you develop a certain relationship and eventually propose (hopefully the guys are doing the proposing).

However, you don’t really pick your characteristics. They are developed through your experiences + inherent nature.

But God may also have some involvement, too. How much? Did He do direct intervention? Is He part of the causal chain that results in marriage? And how much does of a role does free will play?

The answer is really up in the air, depending on how you interpret it.

 

[r4j]

Married 19 years and when I got married I wasn’t close to God. My wife and got married because we liked the way each other looked and we had a reasonable disposition. But after my reconversion 2+ years ago and looking at things with spiritual eyes, it was perfectly God’s plan to put us together. My wife says at times, I know why God sent me you, but why did He give you me. And then I tell her.
But I also heard something from a deacon, which I never knew, He said there’s no one right person for you - there’s more than one.