Do you snoop?

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Mary’s Lamb,

I’m 24, married, with no children. Yet. 🙂

Your friend’s daughter needs some intervention. I don’t think this entails snooping necessarily. If she’s literally running out the front door or running upstairs to her room and slamming THAT door, something needs to change.

I have worked with teenage adolescents in a variety of settings–a shelter for abuse victims, a juvenile detention center, a rape clinic and in youth ministry. Behavior always has an antecedent, and when the status quo changes, it changes for a reason. Your friend’s daughter isn’t behaving belligerently for no reason–there is definitely a reason.

If it was my daughter slamming her door, I think I would probably take the door off it’s hinges and tell her in one week we could try again and see if she could handle closing her door with appropriate calm. This might give Mom and Dad a chance to see what goes on behind that closed door, too. Is she throwing herself on her bed, weeping violently? Calling friends to lament about mom and dad? Or is she cutting on herself in a form of self-hate and mutilation? Does she have a joint she lights up while sticking her head out the window? I don’t mean to be dramatic, but the idea of letting your teens do whatever they want in a borrowed room of your house seems ridiculous to me. Who is in charge of WHO here?? I have just seen too many teenagers lock themselves away from the family, truly believing no one cares–because no one intrudes upon the walls the kids have tenaciously built.

Your friend needs to call Tough Love, or if not them, perhaps her school’s guidance counselor. Refer your friend to catholictherapists.com She needs some professional support here!!! Little girls, and yes, I think they’re little girls if they’re under the age of 18, need boundaries. Children CRAVE instruction and guidance, despite how much they complain.

I’ll say a prayer for them.
Abby
 
My parents snooped, and I thank God they did.
I would snoop but only periodically just to check. If there were suspicions or symptoms of a bigger problem I would snoop more regularly. It’s my house and everything in it is subject to my inspection. That’s the rule, don’t like it? Then find someplace where the rules are a little more convenient for you.
 
Snooping never helped me…I got over my drug problem i had for 4 years before my mother even knew i knew what drugs were…she found i HAD done drugs by reading my journals… she wasn’t there or did notice me when i needed her the most…I can’t respect her, especially going through my things after the fact.

Snooping never helps…establish a good relatioship with your kids, talk all the time, they will be more open to tell you things in your life.
 
As the father of a recovering addict I wish I had snooped more when he was younger. Now all of my kids, even though they are in their 30’ and late 20’s, understand that I snoop. I have never found anything since my son began recovery but I do not trust anyone. My advice to parents of teens is trust but verify, if I read my kid’s diary for 2 months and did not find anything and their behavior was good I probably would stop reading, but if I notice changes in friends or attitude I would start reading again.
 
My advice to parents of teens is trust but verify, if I read my kid’s diary for 2 months and did not find anything and their behavior was good I probably would stop reading, but if I notice changes in friends or attitude I would start reading again.
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I completely disagree…i think that is the worst thing you could do.

I’m happy that your son is recovering…its hard to do. You shoudl have the trust that he has learned from his situation. Drug addiction is a sickness. Saying that you don’t trust him because of it is like saying you don’t trust someone with cancer or depression.
 
Mary's Lamb:
This is a question for parents only! I know if I ask teens they will say the answer is definitely “no.” But parents, if you were worried about your teen possibly being involved in an immoral activity (like drinking, drugs, or sex) would you snoop into their “personal space”? I know of a mother who has found her child’s diary and reads it to find out what is really going on. Thanks for your answers in advance.
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if i really thought they were into vice… you bet your bippie (well, that one aged me) i would snoop… and if i found something,…well, hell hath no fury like… well, i would sure tell their mother, and boy would they be in trouble… 👍
 
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raphaela:
I completely disagree…i think that is the worst thing you could do.

I’m happy that your son is recovering…its hard to do. You shoudl have the trust that he has learned from his situation. Drug addiction is a sickness. Saying that you don’t trust him because of it is like saying you don’t trust someone with cancer or depression.
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You are intitled to your opinion but in my house I make the rules. I am sorry but I don’t equate drug addiction to cancer. My mother-in-law, grandmother and a very good friend died of cancer. They did not choose, he chose to use drugs, now he chooses to stay off of them.
 
You are intitled to your opinion but in my house I make the rules. I am sorry but I don’t equate drug addiction to cancer. My mother-in-law, grandmother and a very good friend died of cancer. They did not choose, he chose to use drugs, now he chooses to stay off of them.
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Sorry I didn’t mean to offend you…i lost my dad, my grampa, gramma, and a friend to cancer, as well my fiance’s mother suffered from cancer for years (now she’s fine).

I equate them because I have seen the toll, sure you choose the first few times, but after that the drugs choose you…it’s a downward spiral, a sickness.

If your son chooses to stay off drugs, then why don’t you trust him?
 
I am sort of like Ronald Regan with the USSR and their nukes, he said trust but verify. After all the ups and downs and relapses trust comes hard. Once he has been clean for 5 or 6 years I may be able to trust without verification. He knows we love him and has no problem with what we do. He does not live at home so it is only when he visits that we snoop. I would never go through his stuff at his house.
 
Lance, if you don’t mind me asking…how old is your son?

I was 12 when i started taking drugs, quit at 16.
 
Auberon Quin:
Heh.

I kept a diary in high school. My mom snooped and read it regularly. That was why I kept the diary. It was not an entirely reliable document, overall, but it served my purposes.
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Professor Quinn

HA!

When you let your mother in on this secret many years later, what was her reaction?

Chris C.
 
Chris C.:
When you let your mother in on this secret many years later, what was her reaction?
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How stupid do you think I am?

Wait. Don’t answer that.

I never got around to mentioning it. I did 'fess up to scattering Tic-Tacs in my dresser periodically. That was fair game because, if you looked closely, they did say Tic-Tac on them.

Ma Quin was never much for looking closely once she thought she had an answer. Once she decided that her eldest was a druggie, there was no stopping her, short of the Tic-Tacs.

Ma: You’re using drugs!

AQ: No, I’m not. (which is true. I smoked pot once – in college – and that’s the only illegal drug I’ve ever done)

(repeat daily for, oh, months)

Ma: You’re doing drugs.

AQ: No, I’m not.

Ma: Yes, you are! I found them in your dresser! (shows Tic-Tacs)

AQ: Those are Tic-Tacs, Ma. See?

(they examine Tic-Tacs. Accusations of drug use cease)

The irony is that two of my sibs would regularly smoke pot in the house, and she never noticed. The only child she accused of doing drugs turned out to be the one child who never really did them.

Parenting isn’t for sissies.
 
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raphaela:
Lance, if you don’t mind me asking…how old is your son?

I was 12 when i started taking drugs, quit at 16.
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He started at 14 quit at 16 started again at 17 quit at 19 started again at 19 quit at 20 started at 21 quit at 22. He is now 23 and been clean for almost a year, for the first time in his life is totally self supporting, has a nice girl, hangs out with a good crowd and I think he is going to make it this time but my trust is shot. Please pray that he makes it this time.
 
He is now 23
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Lance, I hope this doesn’t come across as rude, I have no intention of that.

You say your son is 23 and lives on his own…don’t you think it’s about time that you let him make his mistakes? By saying that I mean, you still snoop at 23? I don’t really understand that if he is an adult, and should take responsibilty for his own actions, why you feel the need to continue snooping through his stuff. are you going to do that when he is married with children? Please explain this because I am at a loss as to why you still do it.

What kind of drugs did your son get addicted to? If you don’t mind me asking…
 
Raphaela,

You don’t understand because you aren’t a mother yet. Or are you?

When God gives you a child you love them in a way that you never knew was possible. And the worry doesn’t stop because they pass a certain birthday.

Another friend of mine has a heroin addicted son (mid 20’s).He has had many recoveries and relapses. Unfortunately this is often the case with addictions.

Your reaction to “snooping” is a juvenile reaction to what your mother did. Perhaps if she had taken an interest earlier in your life you never would have gotten into drugs in the first place.

Also you have to take ownership of your part in that relationship. You shut her out too when she tried to reach out to you.

Do you really think it was good for you to be so “independent” at an early age?

If you’re going to participate in these forums, try to learn from them instead of asking for advice and then doing what you want to any way. You can turn your life around. But you’re spinning your heels.

Mary
 
If you’re going to participate in these forums, try to learn from them instead of asking for advice and then doing what you want to any way. You can turn your life around. But you’re spinning your heels.
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I dont’ recall ever doing that, but oh well, i know some people judge me unfairly.

My mother decided to snoop and start becoming a mother after i had already cleaned myself up after drugs. i did it on my own. i never shut her out, she shut me out. Though I must admit, i shut her out after she grounded me for 3 years after i told her i did used to do drugs. i dont’ think that is a juvenile reaction.

My independence wasn’t a choice, it was somethign i had to do. Either i did things on my own, or they never happened. Its unfortunate yes, if I could change it i would’ve, but i can’t.

No I’m not a mother so my opinions may change. i don’t know that. I’m just gonna stop posting on this thread since I’m “spinning heals” whatever that means…
 
I’m not a fan of “this is my house.” “I pay the mortgage”. One I don’t own my house, my husband does. That is like saying "It’s my body, and I can do to you whatever I want."Sure you aren’t killing them, but you aren’t giving your children any dignity as humans, when you think you can walk all over them and snoop.

My mother snoops in my own house, my husband and I decided she isn’t allowed to visit anymore. She snooped all her life, she said she was cleaning. I’m sure as an adult she wouldn’t be happy if I went through her things.

Parents shouldn’t snoop, parents are allowed to search though if that have valid reasons that they can articulae.
 
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renee1258:
It is our job to raise our kids to be adults, teaching them that their feelings of privacy are void because you pay the mortgage isn’t right. I have a two year old, and I give her the right of privacy on the toilet. I had a snooping mother, reading journals and such. I just began to shut myself off from the world. Eating disorders and such. There is a direct link.
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In my opinion, it depends if they are 18 and older. If 18 and older, NO!!! No snooping. I have known parents who have told me they snoop, and when I ask how old their kids are, they say 21,25, 27,32, 30. Ummmm, I think it’s time to let them grow, and go. Now, if they are UNDER 18, I really say 21 and older(FULL FLEGED ADULTS), then no. However, it depends, do you trust them? Have they ever done anything bad? Do they have a record? Etc. BUT, geberally, parents have NO RIGHTS over anyone 21 and older, none.
 
I am a father of two teenagers. I do not snoop *too *much, because I do not feel the need to. I always knock before entering, etc.

I have told both of my children, however, that there is to be no presumption of privacy in their room. If the need arises I will look where I need to look. I keep my eyes open to potential problems when I am in their rooms. When I do look around, I grant as much respect as possible.

“My mortgage, my rules” also has a legal side. In Texas, if my son has drugs stored in his room, I am guilty of possession. Should he use my car to transport drugs, I may lose my car. I have a legitimate reason to take any measures necessary to see that drugs are not in my house.
 
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