Do You Tell Other's Secrets to Your Spouse?

[Baelor]

I have never said that the person who tells their spouse without checking if that is ok is never inconsiderate, I was simply trying to get you to consider the possiblity that they really are not always being inconsiderate. It sounds like we do agree about this after all then.

We do not.

Someone who agrees not to tell anyone and tells their spouse is being inconsiderate. This thread is proof: posters who say that they would agree to tell no one and then tell the spouse have also said that they would not even think about it because it is so obvious. This, by definition, is being inconsiderate: not thinking about the consequences of one’s actions on others.

 

[Sarabande]

We do not.

Someone who agrees not to tell anyone and tells their spouse is being inconsiderate. This thread is proof: posters who say that they would agree to tell no one and then tell the spouse have also said that they would not even think about it because it is so obvious. This, by definition, is being inconsiderate: not thinking about the consequences of one’s actions on others.

While I agree with you for the most part, I do think one also has to consider the relationship the people have. I know that there are many circles where it is actually understood that when you say “Tell no one,” it excludes the spouse. It is already assumed that the spouse will be told. When they don’t want the spouse to know as well, they will specify it. Then there are other circles where if someone said the same thing, it really means absolutely no one. The problem arrises when someone assumes the understanding outside of their normal circle. If they don’t know for certain they really need to ask to be sure - on both ends - to be sure they are on the same page. For instance, as difficult as it is for me to lie to my husband in order to keep someone else’s secret, if someone in my circle specifically asks me to not tell my husband or someone outside of my circle asks me not tell anyone (and I don’t verify what they mean by that) I will do my utmost not to say anything to my husband. I will try not to get myself in any situation where I’d have to tell lies in order to protect that secret. That is the main problem I have with not being able to tell my husband…the lies, as little as they may seem.

 

[thewanderer]

We do not.

Someone who agrees not to tell anyone and tells their spouse is being inconsiderate. This thread is proof: posters who say that they would agree to tell no one and then tell the spouse have also said that they would not even think about it because it is so obvious. This, by definition, is being inconsiderate: not thinking about the consequences of one’s actions on others.

My point is that some people, even when they do think about the consequences of their actions towards others still don’t realize that people use this phrase differently than they do. These people lack an understanding of other peoples perspectives, not consideration for others. Honestly, I think it is rather closeminded to insist that they could not possibly exist.

 

[Baelor]

While I agree with you for the most part, I do think one also has to consider the relationship the people have.

I agree – I stated this in earlier posts, but this thread is long so they are buried at this point.

My point is that some people, even when they do think about the consequences of their actions towards others still don’t realize that people use this phrase differently than they do. These people lack an understanding of other peoples perspectives, not consideration for others. Honestly, I think it is rather closeminded to insist that they could not possibly exist.

While it is possible that some exist, I would say most are just inconsiderate. I have lived on several continents, in different cultures, and with different kinds of people. Never have I encountered anyone who, upon well-intentioned reflection, did not recognize the possibility that the literal interpretation of a statement was inconceivable.

 

[shipwrkd]

I’m in a large circle of male and female friends who have been together for over 40 years. A good many of those friends, including my wife and I, have decided to become husband and wife at different times over that 40 years. Some of us dated others of the opposite sex within that circle before marrying and we’ve managed to stay close for those 40 years living by one unwritten rule. We don’t talk about any one of our friends about anything that may or may not have gone on or been said by any one of the others.
In this circle is a CPA and a barber and the three of us are very close. I once asked the CPA why he didn’t get his hair cut by our barber friend and his responds was “for the same reason I don’t do his books. It’s not worth loosing a friend over a bad haircut or a mistake in addition”.
If my wife were to tell me something that was told her in confidence that changed my feelings of one of those friends, even if it didn’t break it, might change it forever. To those that are not married, friendships are among their greatest treasure. Based on the inconsistencies of understandings in this thread, my stand has been strengthened. My wife and I trust each other enough that we don’t need to know all of each other’s, or our friend’s secrets…because as has been said before, a secret is just that. A secret. If something else works for someone else, that’s fine too but as has been stated before, words can’t be unsaid. IN MY HUMBLE OPINION!

 

[PatriceA]

I’m in a large circle of male and female friends who have been together for over 40 years. A good many of those friends, including my wife and I, have decided to become husband and wife at different times over that 40 years. Some of us dated others of the opposite sex within that circle before marrying and we’ve managed to stay close for those 40 years living by one unwritten rule. We don’t talk about any one of our friends about anything that may or may not have gone on or been said by any one of the others.
In this circle is a CPA and a barber and the three of us are very close. I once asked the CPA why he didn’t get his hair cut by our barber friend and his responds was “for the same reason I don’t do his books. It’s not worth loosing a friend over a bad haircut or a mistake in addition”.
If my wife were to tell me something that was told her in confidence that changed my feelings of one of those friends, even if it didn’t break it, might change it forever. To those that are not married, friendships are among their greatest treasure. Based on the inconsistencies of understandings in this thread, my stand has been strengthened. My wife and I trust each other enough that we don’t need to know all of each other’s, or our friend’s secrets…because as has been said before, a secret is just that. A secret. If something else works for someone else, that’s fine too but as has been stated before, words can’t be unsaid. IN MY HUMBLE OPINION!

You are very blessed to have the friends that you do.

And as I’ve said, our circle of friends, spouses are included in secrets, but that’s understood amongst as all. Which I think is a strong point to make, what is and isn’t told amongst spouses and friends probably should be stated and agreed upon by everyone. I would tend to think our circle of friends and our collective understanding of secrets could change if we ever added a new friend or couple to our group. I think it comes down to respecting boundaries and that some people may not feel comfortable with other’s secrets.

I don’t think there is a one size has to fit all answer. Respect and dignity for the friend though should always be observed.

 

[shipwrkd]

I don’t think there is a one size has to fit all answer. Respect and dignity for the friend though should always be observed.

In almost 500 posts, this is perhaps the best thing that’s been said. I think someone said earlier it may be an age thing and that could be very true. I’m in my upper 60’s (barely) and we have lost a couple of us. If, God forbid, my wife should go before me…friends are all I will have and I’ll need all of them. A friend should be treasured. Perhaps even over the need to share a secret.
Awww geeez, now I’m gettin all mushy and misty eyed :grouphug:

 

[Pwoodworker]

Gays in the church or even taking communion. I am not a advocate for gay marriage and think it is wrong. But let me pose a question. Do we know what a gay couple is doings behind closed doors? We are assuming. What are YOU doing behind closed doors with your spouse. Have any of us do an act to our spouse that gays or Lesbians might do. If we perform the same acts are we doing abdominal acts? I have a gay son, love him very much, but I still think his life style is wrong. I also have to look at my life and am I a Hippocrate.
Just something to think about.

 

[SwizzleStick]

Gays in the church or even taking communion. I am not a advocate for gay marriage and think it is wrong. But let me pose a question. Do we know what a gay couple is doings behind closed doors? We are assuming. What are YOU doing behind closed doors with your spouse. Have any of us do an act to our spouse that gays or Lesbians might do. If we perform the same acts are we doing abdominal acts? I have a gay son, love him very much, but I still think his life style is wrong. I also have to look at my life and am I a Hippocrate.
Just something to think about.

Welcome to CAF!

I am confused. I think perhaps you meant to post on another thread?

 

[shipwrkd]

Welcome to CAF!

I am confused. I think perhaps you meant to post on another thread?

I don’t know Swizzle, Woodworker causes one to think. After all, he’s talking about spouses and secrets…just not the kind you and I may think about.