The “mere” fact that you feel called to pray is an amazing grace and call from God. Such a call from God should never knowingly be ignored. Anyone who tells you that God doesn’t hear the prayers of the sinful is way out of line since there are no humans on this earth who are not sinful.
As to having no intention to stop sinning, I can very much identify with that. Back in 1996 I did a Cursillo weekend and at the end there is a time at the “closing” when each person comes forward to hear “Christ is counting on you”, to which the response is “and I am counting on Christ.” The problem was exactly what you are noting: I had my “special” sins that I knew I was going to go right back to when I left and it was very difficult for my sense of integrity (yes, I understand the irony
) to put on a show of being holy when I knew myself to be no such thing.
What I was finally able to come to was an honest admission to myself that I didn’t really trust that God would replace my sin with something so much better that I would look back with great regret at how long it took me to risk taking the chance. My prayer became one of asking God to help me trust that His goodness and mercy was all it was cracked up to be.
Over time, some of those special sins have greatly diminished or disappeared, though admittedly others have happily come to take their place. But I have found great peace in knowing that it is God that does all the work, even though I fail over and over again to follow through even on good intentions, much less lack of intentions.
As I noted in another thread recently, each time I say “If you wish it you can make me clean”, He says “I do wish it.” And He says this over and over, even knowing that I’m going to rush right back to my own weaknesses and compulsions.
There is a great line in a prayer byThomas Merton that says (as best I recollect it) “I can only trust that my desire to please you does in fact please you.” God will indeed, over time, help to make our desires fruitful. But the lines of communication–praying!–need to be kept open.
Don’t be discouraged Pax by discovering that you’re human. We’re all in that same boat, whether we like to admit it or not. Even St Paul commented about doing the things he hated and not being able to do the things he wanted to do. It comes with the territory. But God is bigger than all of that and will get right down in the muck with you to help lift you up and out.
Be not afraid!
