I kind of have a similar problem
I had some absolutely horrible thoughts against the Holy Spirit, or some things that I said that I said were really incorrect later on… sometimes I got blasphemous thoughts against the Holy Spirit go through my mind

Even though I am very sorry for them and want to love the Holy Spirit, even though I try to fight these thoughts, - the memory of all this makes me very sad and I can’t seem to forgive myself at all. I am trying to trust in God’s forgiveness but sometimes I despair because I get worried if He will forgive me (the unforgiveable sin and all that). How in the world do we keep contrition and sorrow for sin but still accept God’s mercy fully and forgive ourselves? I know that it must hurt Christ so deeply if we reject His mercy or don’t believe in it

He even said so Himself to many Saints… but these thoughts were so horrible, and against the Holy Spirit who is pure goodness, love, and purity, - that I can’t get over the fact that I had them - even for the times I didn’t fully consent. (I have trouble figuring out when I consented and when I didn’t).
Maybe it would help to seek to do penance by having a very strong devotion to the Holy Spirit from now on.
Anyways… just wanted to let the OP know, I have a similar situation