Do you think it's acceptable for a woman to keep her last name if she were to get married?

[Deo_Gratias42]

I think it’s something that needs to be discussed between couples. I wish I could have kept my last name but with DH in the military in the mid 70s, that would have been a nightmare.

There are jurisdictions where a woman can’t simply assume her husband’s last name. In Quebec, she has to go to court and legally change her surname forever. Were I to move there now, after 37 years of having my husband’s family surname, I would have to revert to my maiden name as it would be the only name legally recognized.

Mexico has a different system too as my SIL found out after she signed and fingerprinted the marriage certificate. She wasn’t sure if she was supposed to sign her maiden name, or her name with my brother’s last name. She thought she automatically got my brother’s last name, but apparently that would have worked only if she had signed the marriage certificate with my brother’s last name. When they got back to Canada it was a pain because she told her employer she was taking his last name. Her paycheque was made out in the wrong name and she couldn’t cash it. Unfortunately her boss went on holidays and couldn’t re-issue a new cheque until he got home. I don’t think she ever did get around to going through the legal process to change her name.

 

[maryjk]

Thanks for everyone’s replies! I love reading all of the different views on this issue.

I’m not sure if anyone answered this question yet but what if your fiance has a hyphenated last name already the 2nd name being his mum’s maiden name? Would you ask your fiance if you could drop the mom’s name and have yours be the 2nd hyphenated name and have that be the children’s last name as well?

Thanks

If he has a hyphenated name including his mother’s name, I would ask him to drop it entirely or to drop it and add mine.

Personally, I am not a fan on hyphenated names. I just wonder what you do when you end up with a child named Billy Jones-Smith-Doe-King- Gracia-Cox. Maybe that is what you need to suggest. Instead of simply taking his parent’s last names. Add all three. See what he says.

 

[manualman]

Consider, though, that the groom was once more commonly known as the “bridegroom”. So I wouldn’t necessarily interpret the word “bridal” as being a reference only to the bride.

Does anyone have an Oxford English Dictionary?

This.

People shouldn’t get bent out of shape on vocabulary until they investigate the real roots of the words. Herstory is quite revealing on the matter…

 

[chevalier]

If he has a hyphenated name including his mother’s name, I would ask him to drop it entirely or to drop it and add mine.

And I completely understand why you wouldn’t like to replace your maiden name with his mother’s but come on… You’d actually ask a man to drop one part of his hyphenated surname just like that? Woah…

Does anyone have an Oxford English Dictionary?

Yes, 1974 edition. Newer ones are tainted (they listed “d’oh” as a word in 1998). And Cambridge is better.

 

[maryjk]

And I completely understand why you wouldn’t like to replace your maiden name with his mother’s but come on… You’d actually ask a man to drop one part of his hyphenated surname just like that? Woah…

Yes, 1974 edition. Newer ones are tainted (they listed “d’oh” as a word in 1998). And Cambridge is better.

Yes I would. It would be different if the name had come down from generations. This one came from his mother. So in effect, he is asking the OP to drop her father’s name and to take his mothers. And he wants her to do this because his mother wouldn’t drop her father’s name.

I see dropping the mother’s name as a compromise.

Just so you know where I stand. I very willingly took my husband’s name, dropping my father’s. I am a stay at home, home schooling mom. Our family life is very traditional, my husband is the head of our household. My husband’s mother, on the other hand, is not head of our household and I could not imagine taking her name.

 

[NSFrame]

I’m actually very sensitive to these things. I blame feminism! LOL just kidding. I also blame my parents for having such a darn good moral compass and being so egalitarian.

Yep, that is true. I should have phrased that better. I know there’s no other way to speak about this besides anecdote, but I think you see this in the culture as well: guys get a lot of grief for getting married. It’s that whole, “your best days are behind you/you’ve got a ball and chain now/happy wife, happy life/'Yes, dear”/‘Honey Do’" nonsense. Even among Catholics. One of our Deacons in our parish actually says a few of these lines himself… and several pre-cana couples, to boot! No joke! It’s bloody pervasive.

You know what I mean?

None of it is always true. I would say it prevails in western culture.

As you might have predicted, I disagree completely.

Supposing, for example, that a spouse does not honor your birthday - but you did theirs. That is a sign of disrespect. It may be immature to nitpick, but I don’t think it’s immature to point out biased cultural assumptions - in my opinion, that includes both the name change thing and some of the stuff I’ve mentioned previously.

For example, the next time you’re aware that a male friend or family member intends to propose, tell him not to get her a ring. Then tell him if she protests to call her “immature.” Let’s see how that flies!!!

In all seriousness, though, I think in your quest for egalitarianism, you are missing the bigger picture. I completely agree that the whole “bride as princess, groom as pathetic puppy dog” business is nonsense and damaging. My husband often complains about this cultural phenomenon as well. However, when it comes to weddings, you need to be more forgiving about the fawning over the bride, including the engagement ring, dress, etc. She is going to be your bride and hopefully the mother of your children - wouldn’t you want the best for her, regardless of what you get back in “exchange”? Because let me tell you, if you start off marriage with a balance sheet, making sure that everything is “equal”, then NOTHING will be equal. It’s not 50/50, it’s 100/100. You give 100% of yourself to her, even if it means at the wedding she gets to be oohed and aahed over as her father walks her down the aisle while you merely wait at the front of the church in a boring tux. Don’t worry about what she is giving to you, worry about what you can give her.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

In all seriousness, though, I think in your quest for egalitarianism, you are missing the bigger picture. I completely agree that the whole “bride as princess, groom as pathetic puppy dog” business is nonsense and damaging. My husband often complains about this cultural phenomenon as well. However, when it comes to weddings, you need to be more forgiving about the fawning over the bride, including the engagement ring, dress, etc. She is going to be your bride and hopefully the mother of your children - wouldn’t you want the best for her, regardless of what you get back in “exchange”? Because let me tell you, if you start off marriage with a balance sheet, making sure that everything is “equal”, then NOTHING will be equal. It’s not 50/50, it’s 100/100. You give 100% of yourself to her, even if it means at the wedding she gets to be oohed and aahed over as her father walks her down the aisle while you merely wait at the front of the church in a boring tux. Don’t worry about what she is giving to you, worry about what you can give her.

YES YES YES 1000x YES!!!

 

[Joe_5859]

Personally, I am not a fan on hyphenated names. I just wonder what you do when you end up with a child named Billy Jones-Smith-Doe-King- Gracia-Cox. Maybe that is what you need to suggest. Instead of simply taking his parent’s last names. Add all three. See what he says.

This is the type of practical considerations that I always come back to. If you hyphenate your kid’s last name to include both the father’s and the mother’s surname, and the kid in turn marries someone whose parents did the same, and being that’s how they were raised they think it a good thing to do for their kids, then you get grandkids with four last names! It seems like it wouldn’t take but a couple generations for it to get out of hand.

Not that people can’t hyphenate their names if they want to. I just wonder if there are people out there who have run into this sort of issue. It seems like, somewhere down the family line, someone is going to have to be willing to drop a name (thereby potentially losing part of their family heritage). Or is there some solution I am not seeing?

 

[CountrySinger]

For now, I’m keeping my last name. I had to move from America to the UK to get married (DH lived in Scotland). My visa had to be in my maiden name. Once we got married, I got the spousal visa (which allowed me to stay in the UK). In my maiden name, since trying to change a name overseas is a pain. Then we moved back to America for DH’s work. If I were to change my name to my married name, it would be a financial and immigration hassle if we move to the UK again (a very real possibility that might be happening soon). I would have to go through the whole applying for a visa again (I can’t just change a name on it). So until I know which country I’m living in long-term, I’ll keep my maiden name. I do use my married name for personal use. It doesn’t mean that love my husband any less. It means I want to save us thousands of dollars.

 

[chevalier]

Yes I would. It would be different if the name had come down from generations. This one came from his mother. ** So in effect, he is asking the OP to drop her father’s name and to take his mothers.**

It looks like I’ve missed something from the previous posts then. Obviously, asking one’s future wife to take one’s mother’s maiden name and…

to do this because his mother wouldn’t drop her father’s name.

Would be truly eek. No argument there whatsoever. I just read your post literally and so I thought that you were speaking in general, that is, if you hypothetically were single and met and became involved with a man who had a hyphenated name that included his mother’s maiden name, then you would ask him to drop mother’s name from his own surname, not from the one that you’d be carrying but from his.

Just so you know where I stand. I very willingly took my husband’s name, dropping my father’s. I am a stay at home, home schooling mom. Our family life is very traditional, my husband is the head of our household. My husband’s mother, on the other hand, is not head of our household and I could not imagine taking her name.

Of course not and that is perfectly understandable. Forcing MIL’s maiden name on a wife-to-be is also perfectly illogical because it is inconsistent, as it calls upon that same rule which the MIL violated in the first place, as you rightly pointed out.

Not that people can’t hyphenate their names if they want to. I just wonder if there are people out there who have run into this sort of issue.

Yes. My best buddy has a hyphenated name because his father had one. One of the parts was ancestral and another was a (likewise ancestral) pseudonym while hiding from the regime’s police during a national uprising. I have no idea whatever he’s going to do with his wife if he ever has any.

I also have a hyphenated name but I’d prefer not to discuss details because of a risk of identification (suffice to say it doesn’t go back to the middle ages). Suffice to say the thought of a woman asking the hypothetical question of which one does she take if she hyphenates it with her own, let alone having to decide for the children, is giving me a headache.

It seems like, somewhere down the family line, someone is going to have to be willing to drop a name (thereby potentially losing part of their family heritage). Or is there some solution I am not seeing?

Yeah. Buy a piece of land and name yourself after. I might do just that at some point in my life.

 

[Phemie]

This is the type of practical considerations that I always come back to. If you hyphenate your kid’s last name to include both the father’s and the mother’s surname, and the kid in turn marries someone whose parents did the same, and being that’s how they were raised they think it a good thing to do for their kids, then you get grandkids with four last names! It seems like it wouldn’t take but a couple generations for it to get out of hand.

Not that people can’t hyphenate their names if they want to. I just wonder if there are people out there who have run into this sort of issue. It seems like, somewhere down the family line, someone is going to have to be willing to drop a name (thereby potentially losing part of their family heritage). Or is there some solution I am not seeing?

It’s worked well in Spain (and Portugal, IIRC) for centuries. Traditionally, people have two surnames, one from mom, one from dad – not traditionally hyphenated, but that is starting to happen. When they marry the woman doesn’t change her name but may add “de” and the surname her husband got from his father. When they have children they are given the paternal surname of each parent. If we were to do this in English Mary Brown Jones would marry Chuck Black White and either keep her name as is or add ‘of Black’ to Brown Jones. Their children would be Isabel and Robert Brown Black, the surnames the parents received from their fathers.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I’m keeping my name and see no issue with it. Neither does my devout Catholic fiance. we plan on passing both names to our children.

Gender roles aren’t on the same level as birth control usage. If a woman chooses to change her name, have lots of kids, stay at home, homeschool, etc, that’s fine. If a woman chooses to have a career, have fewer kids (provided she’s using NFP or abstaining), and keep her name, that’s fine too. Do what works best for you, your spouse and your family.

 

[maryjk]

I’m keeping my name and see no issue with it. Neither does my devout Catholic fiance. we plan on passing both names to our children.

Gender roles aren’t on the same level as birth control usage. If a woman chooses to change her name, have lots of kids, stay at home, homeschool, etc, that’s fine. If a woman chooses to have a career, have fewer kids (provided she’s using NFP or abstaining), and keep her name, that’s fine too. Do what works best for you, your spouse and your family.

I don’t know that anyone said anything about whether or not to keep your name is a moral issue.

This thread is in “family life,” it is not in “moral theology.” Everyone is simply saying what they think or feel.

 

[Joe_5859]

It’s worked well in Spain (and Portugal, IIRC) for centuries. Traditionally, people have two surnames, one from mom, one from dad – not traditionally hyphenated, but that is starting to happen. When they marry the woman doesn’t change her name but may add “de” and the surname her husband got from his father. When they have children they are given the paternal surname of each parent. If we were to do this in English Mary Brown Jones would marry Chuck Black White and either keep her name as is or add ‘of Black’ to Brown Jones. Their children would be Isabel and Robert Brown Black, the surnames the parents received from their fathers.

Interesting. Mary and Chuck’s grandkids wouldn’t have either “Brown” or “Jones” as part of their name, correct? Just the “Black”?

It is interesting to realize that not every culture does it the same way.

Does anyone in Scripture even have last names?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

My fiance and I are both hyphenating our names. I’m adding his last name on to mine, and he’s adding mine to his. I’m not leaving my family and joining his, we are coming together and starting a new one, and we want our name to reflect that. Both of our families and heritages had a hand in who we are today and what our family will be like, so its only fair to honor that.

Our children will be given both last names (hyphenated). I don’t really know what they will do when they grow up and get married, and its really none of my concern, that’s between them and whoever they marry to determine how their new family will be reflected. But my husband and I will belong to each other for the rest of our lives, so we might as well display and honor that special relationship with our names.

 

[Phemie]

Interesting. Mary and Chuck’s grandkids wouldn’t have either “Brown” or “Jones” as part of their name, correct? Just the “Black”?

It is interesting to realize that not every culture does it the same way.

Does anyone in Scripture even have last names?

You’re right that, of the four surnames listed, the grandchildren would only retain “Black”. I did make a mistake when I named the children, they would traditionally be “Black Brown” rather than “Brown Black”. Isabel’s children in turn would be Dad’s surname + Black and Robert’s would be Black + Mom’s surname.

 

[NicoleVentura]

She could, but why would she want to? I would love to take my future husbands last name. It shows that we are truly together. Plus if she kept her last name, which last name would the children get? Also, people wouldn’t really think they were married then.

 

[asd72]

It is definitely a cultural rather than a religious or moral question. I know in Rwanda the parents choose the last name of their babies at birth, so all the family have different ones.

I personally would take my husbands last name if I had one, I would feel left out if my husband and children had a different one to me.

 

[MrsATurner]

You can always change your middle name to your maiden name. Thats what my mother did.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You can always change your middle name to your maiden name. Thats what my mother did.

That would be horrible for me, I go by my middle name.