Do you think marriage is hard work?

[LaMusicaSenior]

I can tell you that being single when you don’t want to be is much more difficult.

Yet, at the same time, as a single person looking at the vocation of marriage, I’m sure it has it’s rough times! I mean, the vocation itself involves dying to yourself every day so you can help your spouse and children (if you have any) to Heaven. That’s not just a walk through the park. That’s not even counting the aspects of marriage that involve communication, finances, spiritual health, and little disagreements.

I think God is calling me to the vocation of marriage, and I know that I’m working on my vices of a quick temper, selfish tendencies and patience NOW in preparation.

So, hard work? Sometimes. But I’m pretty sure the benefits of a solid marriage outweigh the negatives

God bless,
Chloe M.

 

[Fairwinds]

OP don’t boast. over the course of a lifetime, your marriage will see hard times in ways you can’t anticipate or see through all the butterflies and rainbows.

 

[maryjk]

I have been married for 10 years. We have had our fair share of trials. Of course we’ve had to put effort into our relationship, but it doesn’t seem like “hard work” 99% of the time.

What’s made it easier for us, I think, is the knowledge that marriage is for life. If you accept that you truly love your spouse (even when your spouse is dancing on your last nerve) and that divorce is not an option it seems easier to work things out and plug along together.

We’ve been married just over 20 years.

Yes, we have been through a lot. Heck, who goes through 20 years of marriage without any life problems? I have a chronic illness, Lupus. We have been through long term joblessness, relocation to find a job, caring for my parents and their eventual death. No, life has not been easy.

And yes, *life *is work, sometimes hard work.

But marriage? No, I don’t see it as work.

When we were (and are) going through some major life event, we pulled closer together. We held hands more. We kissed more. We got strength from each other.

So maybe it is how I look at it. What I see as hard work for* life,* others may see as hard work being married??

 

[mommamaree]

Some people are asked to bear extraordinarily heavy crosses in helping a reluctant spouse get to heaven. For those people, I would imagine marriage is very hard work. God bless them!

For myself, marriage makes my life easier to bear. Marriage to my husband, who despite normal human faults and failings is just perfect for me, helps me to grow in virtue and become a more sane, steady, and grounded person. And the children born from our love make my life joyful. So for me, life is hard work, but marriage makes it easier. I know I am extraordinarily blessed far beyond what I deserve. It humbles me now, because I look around at the saintly spouses who continue to lift up their difficult spouse with their prayers and their faithfulness and their actions, and I know I have done absolutely nothing to earn the joyful marriage I have been blessed with. It is pure and undeserved grace.

So, to answer your question, it depends on the marriage.

 

[mommamaree]

Everything is hard work. Nothing is given for free. Except God’s love of course.

Very nice response.

Anything in this life that is worth having comes with a cost of personal sacrifice. Sometimes that sacrifice feels light, other times it feels quite heavy and our hearts and minds balk at having so much asked of us. But ultimately, God gives to us exactly what experiences we need in order to save our souls and make us holy.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes. I think marriage is hard work, but then I think hard work is rewarding and makes one appreciate the process and any results.

I married a man who is very different from me. That can be exciting, and it can also be challenging.
We married outside of the Church, when we were both lapsed.
When I got pregnant with our first child, I was transformed by the experience and returned to the Church.
He did not. He fakes it, but in some ways he’s still resentful that I changed on him.
I can’t blame him for that.
We’re still two very different people.
We make a good team, when we’re pulling together.
There have been times when our differences enhance our relationship, and times when they cause problems to grow even larger.
I am grateful that he’s stuck with me all these years (24!).
I love and respect him as a good man and a father who loves his sons very much.
But we still have our struggles. I don’t think it will ever be easy for us. We have our moments, and I love those times so much.
He makes me laugh a lot, and every once in a while, I can make him laugh.
The good times outnumber the bad RIGHT NOW.

 

[Pug]

Yes, I do think marriage is hard work sometimes. Always? No, it has not been difficult today, the twelfth Sunday in ordinary time. Who knows about Monday? I find sacrifice after sacrifice to be hard work. One has to make many sacrifices to stay married. They are varied and depend on your particular relationship. One might sacrifice education, work, time with family, friends, kids, prayer time, health care, better food, regular sleep, the ability to come as go as needed, a clean/quiet environment, etc. Basically anything is fair game to go on the chopping block. Your spouse will sacrifice in turn, but it may not be something that you appreciate.

Some of the things that make marriage appealing may not materialize in your marriage. Companionship, for example, or I could name more. However, you will have a connection to a human being. A connection or reality that you two made. Even if they are in a foreign country or a jail, you will have that.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes, I do think marriage is hard work sometimes. Always? No, it has not been difficult today, the twelfth Sunday in ordinary time. Who knows about Monday? I find sacrifice after sacrifice to be hard work. One has to make many sacrifices to stay married. They are varied and depend on your particular relationship. One might sacrifice education, work, time with family, friends, kids, prayer time, health care, better food, regular sleep, the ability to come as go as needed, a clean/quiet environment, etc. Basically anything is fair game to go on the chopping block. Your spouse will sacrifice in turn, but it may not be something that you appreciate.

Some of the things that make marriage appealing may not materialize in your marriage. Companionship, for example, or I could name more. However, you will have a connection to a human being. A connection or reality that you two made. Even if they are in a foreign country or a jail, you will have that.

So true, the sacrifices…:sad_yes: Yet we can gain holiness that way. So there are some rewards.

 

[Pug]

So true, the sacrifices…:sad_yes: Yet we can gain holiness that way. So there are some rewards.

Yes, many opportunities for holiness, so let us pray we utilize them.

 

[_Jenn]

Hard work? Not at all. Have we had hardships during our marriage? Sure, but those didn’t make the marriage become work; if anything, those hardships brought us closer together. My belief is that you get out of a marriage what you put into it. It isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100.

 

[MomtoEandM]

OP don’t boast. over the course of a lifetime, your marriage will see hard times in ways you can’t anticipate or see through all the butterflies and rainbows.

Kind of mean, methinks. It’s not very nice to wish hard times on others. I’ll take the opposite tack and hope that your life IS filled with butterflies and rainbows and that every day brings you joy.

We’ve been married for 16 years. We’ve lost loved ones, dealt with infertility, had financial ups and downs. Still, nothing about that was hard work. It was hard, but it was life that was hard, not the marriage. And the marriage gave us strength to get through hard times. I think that my marriage makes my life easier, not harder.

I have been very interested to see what others have said. I do see the points about learning to communicate could potentially be work, if you have different communications styles. Thank you all for the thoughtful responses.

 

[EasterJoy]

OP don’t boast. over the course of a lifetime, your marriage will see hard times in ways you can’t anticipate or see through all the butterflies and rainbows.

You know, though, it is amazing how many of those couples interviewed by the newspaper because they’ve been married 60 years say that they got along so well naturally that they didn’t ever see marriage as a lot of work. Life, yes, but not their marriage. A lot of them obviously get a little kick out of having outlasted the gloom and doomsayers, which is very cute in a pair of 80 year olds. It does happen for some couples.

Still, the OP shouldn’t underestimate how much work marriage can be. When a couple has a lifetime of seeing eye-to-eye even when they don’t see eye-to-eye, they’ve been given a very special grace, something to truly rejoice in and be thankful for!

 

[dadofme]

And yes, *life *is work, sometimes hard work.

But marriage? No, I don’t see it as work.

When we were (and are) going through some major life event, we pulled closer together. We held hands more. We kissed more. We got strength from each other.

So maybe it is how I look at it. What I see as hard work for* life,* others may see as hard work being married??

Yes. This!

LIFE is hard! You would suffer sickness, death, joblessness, financial woes, etc. whether married or single. Life is hard. Being married to a wonderful spouse who helps you through it all makes life bearable and so much easier. Do you have to learn to communicate effectively, compromise, and sometimes put others before yourself? Yes. But so to at work, school, your church group, the order counter at Starbucks, or band camp! It isn’t marriage, per se, that requires all those qualities. It is life and socially interacting with any other human. Having a spouse means you have a tag team to help beat down life’s more challenging moments!

 

[underacloud]

Is marriage hard work? Yes. But in a similar sort of way as saying Kobe Bryant (or insert other sports superstar here) works hard on his basketball skills. If you don’t put in the hard work, especially in all the little things, you won’t maximise the potential rewards. The greatest sports stars are doing something they love to do, but put in a great deal of effort to ensure they are as prepared as possible for whatever they encounter. Likewise, even in the best of marriages (and I think mine is pretty good), the spouses work hard to make sure they’re prepared to maximise the opportunities given them.

When you’re doing something you love (whether that’s your marriage, sport, career, hobby), you still work hard at it, and hopefully that way you’ll love it even more.

 

[Joy2day]

Some marriages are hard work. As a result, today, some marriages end in divorce whereas historically the spouses might not have spoken to each other in years or slept in opposite ends of the house for the rest of their lives. However still today, the single most common cause of violence (occasionally resulting in death) against women is from their intimate partner or ex-partner.

 

[LongingSoul]

For the last 10 odd years, I’ve been a volunteer girl Friday with a Catholic org. that helps people in marriage crisis (for one thing). So many trials can make marriage very hard. Infidelity, drinking, gambling, internet and other addictions, depression and other mental illness that emerge, anger, violence, children problems. All these things in many cases were unpredictable on the wedding day. I think from my experience, there will be a special place in heaven for those people who stick with marriages that are truly testing.

 

[maryjk]

Some marriages are hard work. As a result, today, some marriages end in divorce whereas historically the spouses might not have spoken to each other in years or slept in opposite ends of the house for the rest of their lives. However still today, the single most common cause of violence (occasionally resulting in death) against women is from their intimate partner or ex-partner.

Which has nothing to do with marriage.

Women are more secure in marriage. Marriage normally decreases the likelihood that a woman will suffer domestic abuse. Only 5% of married women report abuse compared to 14% of cohabitating women

(From this article: crisismagazine.com/2013/preparing-for-marriage-a-brides-checklist-of-questions-and-answers

 

[CatholicRaven]

Hard work? Not at all. Have we had hardships during our marriage? Sure, but those didn’t make the marriage become work; if anything, those hardships brought us closer together. My belief is that you get out of a marriage what you put into it. It isn’t 50/50, it’s 100/100.

I agree that you get out of a marriage what you put into it, but not in the way many people think of it. It’s not so much the love you get back in return, as it is the spiritual benefits you get when you give love freely and unconditionally (and I think that’s what you meant, above). It’s about real love, real sacrifice–loving even when it feels like 100/-25. Because it’s a covenent, not a contract. But so many people think it’s about being equal (except they don’t know what “equal” means) or being “fair.” They think of marriage as more like a contract: I will do this, if you do that. If you don’t, then I won’t.

Hardships in life can make a relationship better or more difficult depending upon how the spouses handle it, but I don’t consider the hardships themselves to be the “hard work” of marriage, necessarily. IME, it can be easy and natural to cling together when challenged from the outside–the common “enemy” or problem gives you something to work toward together, a common goal.

Generally, I find it’s much more difficult when the problems come from the inside. It’s hard when either both spouses feel they are giving more than the other, and/or when both are giving much less than they should–or, worse, have stopped giving altogether!

There are also many times when love looks *completely different *than what it looked like yesterday, or a week ago, or a year ago. So a person can recognize it one day, and miss it the next. I think, sadly, many people aren’t really sure what **real love **looks like in a day-to-day relationship–so they have to figure out how to love, and how to recognize love from their spouse. And many also need to set aside their preconceived notions about married love before they can do that (I know I did). If they don’t understand what real love is, then expressions of love can seem like something less, or might even go completely unnoticed. And then it can feel like one’s spouse is giving less, though that may not be the truth.

Those are the days when we have to trust, encourage, sacrifice, and love more, rather than reducing our own giving down to what we think/feel that our spouse is giving, trying to be “the same,” or “fair,” in the misunderstanding that it’s “equal” or “just” or “loving” to give and receive the same amount. Those are the days when it can be hard work, because it’s usually hard work to choose to love when we don’t feel loved. Or when we feel like we’re living with an enemy!

It can definitely be hard work to love our enemy–and to remember that our spouse is not really our enemy even when they act as such–especially when that person knows just how to hurt us… sometimes even on purpose.

I pray that those of you who have not been through these kinds of things, never have to go through them–or if you do, that they make your marriages stronger!

 

[EasterJoy]

Some marriages are hard work. As a result, today, some marriages end in divorce whereas historically the spouses might not have spoken to each other in years or slept in opposite ends of the house for the rest of their lives. However still today, the single most common cause of violence (occasionally resulting in death) against women is from their intimate partner or ex-partner.

If you are saying that it is not “wimping” out to leave a conjugal living situation that shows signs it could get dangerous, that is a point well-taken. It’s not as if domestic violence (which can be perpetrated by women or be mutual, incidentally) never happens between couples who feel mutual affection. The desire to make it work and to do one’s duty does not mean there is not a duty to remove yourself as a near occasion of serious sin for your spouse.

Still, when people say that marriage is hard work, they don’t usually mean that it is literally hard to refrain from striking each other. They usually mean it can be hard to be mutually supportive and mutually giving even when you’re exhausted, in deep disagreement, jealous of the time one or the other of you is dedicating to the shared work of your marriage that falls primarily onto your spouse, or find that for right now you just don’t like each other very much or don’t share interests and goals as you once did. They mean that you need to stick together even during those times when you are growing apart instead of growing closer. The list could go on, but I mean that most marriages that need improvement (and need work to accomplish it) do not necessarily have any out-and-out abuse going on at all.

 

[hurting]

Hard work compared to what?

The self-giving embodied within true sacramental marriage can certainly be considered hard work vis-a-vis secular society’s demands for personal happiness first and foremost at all times.

Marriage properly constructed and administered is the greatest civilizing force ever known to man.