Do you think my mom hates me?

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confusedgirl

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My mom and I have our differences but now I think that she really wishes I wasn’t her daughter. My mom’s friend whose rich has a 21 year old daughter and my mom is so happy she told people in the stores that she was her daughter. This girl has had everything handed to her has never had a job and never taken out a student loan because her mom can afford her tuition for eight years of school

I didn’t mean to rant really I have a lot more to tell in all honesty but that isn’t my point. I mean when this girl got here, without telling me she took $700 out on my credit card that I paid off with my own money to buy her a christmas gift and and now she is telling me to pay it back for now and she will pay me back later. That was so unfair to me because now I can’t even afford to pay for my university applications and plane tickets without maxing out my credit card. She took $5000 of my student loans to pay off her credit card and lied and told me it was to cover my tuition that is only $2600 and I will not be seeing that $2400 again.

Why does my mom treat me this way? I have a job that pays little to nothing and she borrows money from me like I am a bank with unlimited withdrawls on top of that she also still gets child support money from my dad and suddenly we can’t buy food. Shes so irresponsible with money that I end up paying the price for it in the end. Its like she wants to prove to her friend and her friends daughter that she is a rich snob too. My bought the other girl a brand new laptop and I am in college and I desperately need one and I can’t afford one for myself.

I feel angry and sad at the same time because I feel worthless. My mom told me yesterday that I need to buy her things because its my fault that she never gets them. She showers this other girl with expensive gifts and her mom has never given me a dollar to help me with anything. In all honesty though I really am not jealous of the fact she has money I know that if I work hard I can be very successful but the way my mom treats this girl hurts me a lot. I feel like a jerk asking my mom to pay me back but that is the only way to get anything back really. What should I do?
 
Using your credit card without your permission is theft. Report it to the police and reject those charges on your card.

If you must, cancel your card, get a new one, keep it secure. Change your pins and passwords, don’t give her access. You should also pull your credit reports through annualcreditreport.com and make sure she hasn’t taken any cards out in your name. This is illegal.

I do not understand how she could take $5K of your student loan. How is it she has access to your funds? You need to put a stop to that. Close the bank account, open a new one and do not allow her any access to it if you must.

If it is a parent loan, then that is her loan and she’s dumb for using it on herself, but that’s her perogative.

Sounds like your mom has some mental problems. Stay away and do not allow her access to any of your financial data.
 
1ke is correct.

Give your mom a deadline (say, 30 days) to repay you every dollar she has put on your credit cards without your permission. Tell her that if she has not repaid you in 30 days, you will go to the police and report that your identity was stolen by her. Unfortunately, this is the necessary first step to getting the $700 off your credit card bill. In one of these family fraud cases, this is the only way to get it off your bill–you have to report to the police, get a copy of the police report, and then send the credit card company a copy of the police report. And then be very persistent with the credit card company–there tends to be a lot of foot-dragging in these cases.

Don’t feel sorry about your mom. She can get $700 from somewhere, even if it has to be a payday loan or credit card advance. Also, even if she doesn’t pay you back and you do report her, it’s very unlikely that she will be prosecuted. If your mom says that you are being a bad daughter, point out that she has 30 whole days to make this right–if you didn’t love her, you would go straight to the police.

Given your situation, you can’t afford to just stand by and let your mom do this stuff. It sounds like she may be having some sort of episode and who knows when it’s going to end. Don’t let her take you down with her.
 
1ke said:
Using your credit card without your permission is theft. Report it to the police and reject those charges on your card.

If you must, cancel your card, get a new one, keep it secure. Change your pins and passwords, don’t give her access. You should also pull your credit reports through annualcreditreport.com and make sure she hasn’t taken any cards out in your name. This is illegal.

I do not understand how she could take $5K of your student loan. How is it she has access to your funds? You need to put a stop to that. Close the bank account, open a new one and do not allow her any access to it if you must.

If it is a parent loan, then that is her loan and she’s dumb for using it on herself, but that’s her perogative.

Sounds like your mom has some mental problems. Stay away and do not allow her access to any of your financial data.
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Agree 100%. You need to keep all your funds out of your mom’s reach. If she’s getting her own loans to pay your tuition than that’s one thing. But if the loan is in your name than the funds need to be used for tuition, books, your college expenses only. Talk to the university finance department about how the loans are structured and who is liable for them.
 
As to the question, “Do you think my mom hates me?”, I think it’s not possible to judge right now because she’s probably not in her right mind.

Google “My mom stole my identity” to see that you are not alone.
 
Manipulation, theft, abuse. You cannot allow her to do this to you. You are being used for her selfish foolish desires. You are not responsible for her financially especially when it comes to your own $$$money. How does she figure you owe her this? I don’t think she hates you, but she definitely has a way to make you feel bad. She is sadly misguided. Put an end to her access to what’s in your wallet. Praying for you and for her.
 
Can you move out on your own at this point? Do you have friends in college that would be good roommates? Could you live with your dad? You need options…fast. Please don’t give up college because of this. Most colleges have free counseling and an adviser assigned to you, based on your area of study. Use those resources.

Is there a trusted relative you can go to for assistance? Someone in your family that isn’t afraid to speak their mind and might help you resolve this issue with your mom?

I did not realize my mom was burdening me with her problems until I got away. Three state away, to be precise. The first night in my own place was pure freedom and the additional stress just melted away. The best part is that my relationship with my mom improved over time because of the distance and the respect she had for me for being on my own.

It sounds like it’s time to love your mom from a distance. Prayers for you and her.
 
Agreed on the issue of theft. In the end, that was exactly the last straw for me in filing for divorce. I found ways to deal with everything else, but my XH was starting to take my credit card and run up debt without so much as telling me. One day, thanks to having my credit card set up for automatic payment, I found thousands of dollars just GONE from my bank account. Divorce was the only legal protection.

Using someone else’s credit card is serious business, it IS theft, and being related does NOT give anyone the right to do this to you.

On the issue of whether your mother hates you: who’s to say what emotion she feels. But there is a thread you might find helpful called something like What to do when your parents aren’t that great: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=844722 (Link function doesn’t seem to be working for me.)

Some good advice I got from a counselor was to simply regard my parents as ‘impaired.’ I’ve spoken often enough here, about some of the things my parents do. I’m sure I talked about it in that thread. And it has helped me pull away and take it less personally to simply realize they are both broken, sad, hurting people who just don’t know how to behave any better.

Yes, I now believe my mother does hate me. I think there are many ‘reasons’ but they all ultimately go back, not to me or events or her perceptions of events, but to the fact that *she *is broken and weak and scared.

On the matter of continuing college, I’m not sure how old you are, but I hope you’re considering ways to move out, as suggested by others. When I was 18, my father routinely threatened to kick me out of the house, until I got tired of waiting for the blade to fall and simply packed up and left on my own. I took a legal route to declare myself financially independent from them, in order to get college grants and loans on my own income, rather than theirs. It involved filing paperwork and getting statements from those who knew the situation backing me up that I was genuinely 100% on my own. Thanks to that, I was able to finish college with my class, while being completely on my own. I say this to reassure you it absolutely can be done without parents’ help.

As to your anger, I’m in my mid-40s, still going through the same stuff with my parents in a sense. Even though I stay completely away from them, my dad occasionally calls. If I hang up, he leaves lengthy hateful voicemails. If I block his phone (which I did after that), he sends letters (current one sitting on my desk). If I don’t engage (which I don’t), I know he’ll be telling everyone how he’s done so much for me and I won’t even talk to him. So yeah, I’m right there still dealing with anger.

Some things I’ve found that help:


  1. *]Regard them as broken;
    *]Look at their own broken childhood; your mother is still a hurting, wounded child inside
    *]Know that your mother is without a doubt miserable and unhappy;
    *]Realize her behavior really is not about you but about her own brokenness;
    *]Pray, pray, and pray some more, turn it all over to God. Pray for yourself, pray for your mother, pray for this rich girl
    *]Trust God to ultimately use this for your good
    *]Surround yourself with healthy people.
    *]Do things you love
    *]Make a solid plan to disentangle yourself
    *]Do things you love in life that leave you knowing YOU are a good person–be that putting beautiful artwork into the world, or doing a kindness for someone each day or sponsoring a child
    *]Keep gratitude lists–look for something good in each day, and you will certainly find it
    *]Consider going to al-anon. I believe its principles are dead on for anyone dealing with toxic people.
 
What the OP describes is not just inappropriate and not just illegal. It borders on the bizarre. Honestly, no one in their right mind feels entitled to the kinds of things your mother feels entitled to. Normal people do not tell outlandish lies in a weird attempt to impress other people. A person who would act as the OP describes is self-absorbed to the point that it would not surprise me to hear that person diagnosed with a disorder, if it is durable behavior.

Whether or not your mother actually has a disorder is besides the point. You don’t need o judge your mother; you just need to be convinced that you cannot possibly deserve the treatment you are getting. That treatment is over the top.

Get counseling. If you are in college, you can usually get it at the student health center as part of the price of your tuition. Know that you are not alone and that no one deserves to be treated as you are being treated. I would also strongly suggest you get a copy of Martha Stout’s book, “The Sociopath Next Door” as soon as you can. Even if your mother is not a sociopath, the book has many useful insights about how to (and how not to) think about and deal with manipulative people and others who act without empathy towards the feelings of others. You don’t need a diagnosis to be helped by good strategies that have helped people in similar circumstances. In the case of a true sociopath, it is learning that a person with the conscience of a reptile cannot be thought of as if their emotion life were mammalian. Even in your case, whether or not she could be diagnosed with anything like that, it will help you to disconnect your mother’s outlandish claims from actual reality.
 
Wow, some major issues with boundaries, here. Alanon is very good about helping people with boundaries as is Codependents Anonymous. They both have more or less similar issues.

Good idea about seeking counseling. If not at school, then possibly your health insurance might pay for that.

A lot of good advice on these posts. Good to listen to it.
 
You’ve gotten some good advice from previous posters. I will only add that I don’t think your Mother hates you, she just wants to be like her rich friend, and it doesn’t occur to her that she has no right to be rich, unless she wants to get the education for a high-paying job, or marries a wealthy man, she won’t become materially rich. She simply feels that she can take whatever you have to maintain the illusion of wealth. She is using whatever will bolster this illusion – including you. I doubt she even thinks she is hurting you both financially & emotionally. She is too absorbed in her self-delusion or her desire to appear wealthy to worry about hurting others. She’s more interested in what rich people think than what you think. That is her problem, you have your own and don’t need hers too. Go with the advice given by others. Get out on your own, get the student loans in your own name – if they already are, report the theft to the University - they’ll get it back!! You will also be required (I’m pretty sure) to file an identity theft or personal theft report with the police. It’s highly unlikely they’ll actually end up prosecuting her in court, but it will sure put an end to her getting hold of student loan monies! Get your credit card changed - both the account number and pins/passwords. Change Banks and keep the accounts separate from anything she can access. Protect your financial privacy so she can’t get into the accounts or loans or credit cards! If you are over 18, you have a perfect right to this privacy regarding financial matters. If the student loan was made to her, report the misuse of funds to the financial aid office at the University. They will certainly make her replace the funds, and will give her no future education loans. Instead, apply for a student loan of your own. Moving out on your own, even if it means living in the Dorm (via the student loans) or sharing an apartment with two or three others who are in the same independent situation would be good and will protect you. Protect your financial affairs and keep them private from friends and/or room mates too!! You don’t want to graduate and have a lousy credit rating because others have used your identity to run up bad credit in your name! Not even your Mom!
 
EasterJoy said:
What the OP describes is not just inappropriate and not just illegal. It borders on the bizarre. Honestly, no one in their right mind feels entitled to the kinds of things your mother feels entitled to. Normal people do not tell outlandish lies in a weird attempt to impress other people. A person who would act as the OP describes is self-absorbed to the point that it would not surprise me to hear that person diagnosed with a disorder, if it is durable behavior.

Whether or not your mother actually has a disorder is besides the point. You don’t need o judge your mother; you just need to be convinced that you cannot possibly deserve the treatment you are getting. That treatment is over the top.

Get counseling. If you are in college, you can usually get it at the student health center as part of the price of your tuition. Know that you are not alone and that no one deserves to be treated as you are being treated. I would also strongly suggest you get a copy of Martha Stout’s book, “The Sociopath Next Door” as soon as you can. Even if your mother is not a sociopath, the book has many useful insights about how to (and how not to) think about and deal with manipulative people and others who act without empathy towards the feelings of others. You don’t need a diagnosis to be helped by good strategies that have helped people in similar circumstances. In the case of a true sociopath, it is learning that a person with the conscience of a reptile cannot be thought of as if their emotion life were mammalian. Even in your case, whether or not she could be diagnosed with anything like that, it will help you to disconnect your mother’s outlandish claims from actual reality.
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I quite agree, and especially with your first paragraph. That having been said, OP, you are not alone. My mother utilized my and at least one of my sisters’ social security numbers and names to commit tax fraud while we were young tweens/teenagers, and only paid off the resulting tax liens many years later when we discovered it. We were in college at the time, and neither of us felt up to dealing with the resulting legal hassle as we lived several states away at the time. Perhaps we should have pursued it further, but we were both going to school full time and working multiple jobs, so it would have been extremely difficult to deal with the legal implications. In any case, we both made it crystal clear that if anything of the sort happened again, we would do whatever it took–up to and including taking out college loans for the expenses involved–in order to have her prosecuted for identity theft. She threw a predictable temper tantrum and insisted that somehow she wasn’t at fault for the tax liens (yeah…right…my ten-year-old sister certainly made enough money that year to be in a position to have a significant tax lien filed against her :rolleyes: ), but she never tried that again.

With such a parent, you must set iron-clad boundaries and stick to them. As other posters have said, give her an ultimatum on paying back the credit card, and then follow through. Change the credit card number and any associated PINs immediately, and do not give her that information. Ditto any bank accounts and debit cards.

This may lead to her kicking you out and/or refusing to sign off on any college paperwork. If so, you’ll need to declare independence from her for the purposes of federal and state financial aid. This a necessarily arduous but far from impossible process; I did it, and I walked one of my sisters through the process, too. Both of us were successful. If you need help with that, PM me, and I’ll be happy to provide what advice and assistance I can.
 
My mom is a registered psychiatric nurse but she was in such a rush to buy her own house she ended up rushing into a house that was in less than acceptable condition and on top of that she did not know that her degree was not useful in this part of the country and to top it all off the town she chose is in economic crisis and there are literally no jobs here for her. My mom just has this pride where she ends up making silly choices. Back where we lived she was making almost 100K but because she couldnt afford to buy a house (because of poor money making decisons and an expensive housing market) she ended up buying a house in a town that doesnt have many jobs for her and shes now making less than 40K now. We were never struggling like this but her pride just fools her into still believing that everything is okay.
 
confusedgirl said:
My mom is a registered psychiatric nurse but she was in such a rush to buy her own house she ended up rushing into a house that was in less than acceptable condition and on top of that she did not know that her degree was not useful in this part of the country and to top it all off the town she chose is in economic crisis and there are literally no jobs here for her. My mom just has this pride where she ends up making silly choices. Back where we lived she was making almost 100K but because she couldnt afford to buy a house (because of poor money making decisons and an expensive housing market) she ended up buying a house in a town that doesnt have many jobs for her and shes now making less than 40K now. We were never struggling like this but her pride just fools her into still believing that everything is okay.
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I don’t care what your mom used to make. It is disordered to talk to you the way she does and morally repugnant to use you financially as she has. The incidents with the other girl are beyond odd. That someone in her right mind who is trained in the mental health field would do the things to you that she is doing only makes it worse. If she does not have a mental disorder to excuse her, it only makes her culpability worse, because in that case she knows better than to treat you as she does.

Having said that, do not think that because someone has completed a difficult course of study and works in the mental health field that they cannot possibly have a serious defect in their emotional fitness. Her self-absorption, her lack of empathy for you, and her willingness to use you is shocking. She may have a serious defect in her ability to make true emotional connections with other people. Even her adoration of this other girl seems to have self-aggrandizement as its motive, not any emotional connection to the girl as a person! That does not mean she is not intellectually capable of knowing right from wrong, but that, if she has this mental make-up, that she does not feel guilt when she treats other people badly. Maybe remorse because it comes back to bite her personally, but not remorse for the feelings her actions have provoked in other people. Notice, for instance, that her pride has to do with things she has, and does not have to do with being embarrassed over how she treats her daughter. In normal people, self-respect extends to embarrassment over being seen treating other people badly!! In the sociopath–or similar people, as sociopathic behaviors are seen in alcoholics and addicts who are using, too–these issues of character go out the window. People who lack a conscience or people whose compulsions, addictions, and obsessions deaden their consciences do things that would embarrass a dog.

Read Martha Stout’s book, and you will know what I mean. Again: not everyone who does the things she describes is a true sociopath. Addictions and obsessions (such as illicit affairs) will also bring these kinds of behaviors about. The take-home message is that the behaviors have everything to do with the person offending, and are in no way the fault of the persons offended against. Nobody deserves to be treated like that.
 
confusedgirl said:
My mom is a registered psychiatric nurse but she was in such a rush to buy her own house she ended up rushing into a house that was in less than acceptable condition and on top of that she did not know that her degree was not useful in this part of the country and to top it all off the town she chose is in economic crisis and there are literally no jobs here for her. My mom just has this pride where she ends up making silly choices. Back where we lived she was making almost 100K but because she couldnt afford to buy a house (because of poor money making decisons and an expensive housing market) she ended up buying a house in a town that doesnt have many jobs for her and shes now making less than 40K now. We were never struggling like this but her pride just fools her into still believing that everything is okay.
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It’s good that you understand where she’s coming from. But there are “silly” choices, and then there are illegal choices. It’s going to be hard for you, but you’re going to have to deal with that on a legal basis. If you don’t, she’ll keep doing it and ruin you financially.
 
agnes_therese said:
It’s good that you understand where she’s coming from. But there are “silly” choices, and then there are illegal choices. It’s going to be hard for you, but you’re going to have to deal with that on a legal basis. If you don’t, she’ll keep doing it and ruin you financially.
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The kind of “silly” we stray into is also telling. Sometimes “silly” mean being overly trusting. Sometimes “silly” means refusing the help we give others but don’t want to accept for ourselves. Sometimes “silly” means planning to do more than we can do. Sometimes “silly” translates as “the rules that apply to everyone else don’t apply to me.” Sometimes “silly” translates to “ooo…pretty. Me want. Me must have. Me take. Me skitter back under my rock.” Looking hard at what particular kind of silly pride caused the trouble will tell you a lot.

The $2400? That is just theft compounded by lying directly in the face of your own flesh and blood, plain and simple, and no “silliness” about it. That came from the reptile part of the brain, for whatever reason. Absolutely, the OP ought to get a new credit card (or cards) and bank card and needs to keep the number a secret from her mother. Sometimes a person can contact the credit card company and freeze the ability to take cash advances, require a PIN number for purchases, and so on. (This isn’t a bad idea just if one lives in a dorm or other situation where a lot of strangers could be in and out of your living quarters without your knowledge.) The OP can get help for this kind of problem from her college, as well, particularly with regards to getting financial aid disbursements sent directly to the university or to the OP.
 
Hoping things have gotten better for you with your mom. Still praying. God bless.
 
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