Do you trust your spouse?

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Yes. I don’t have any problems with my spouse spending time alone with members of the opposite sex. He has many female friends and occaisionally hangs out with them without me. I’m not at all concerned, I have male friends I hang out with without him. I’m very confident my DH would not cheat on me.
 
Lifeisamazing said:
All those who are suspicious, distrusting, constantly checking up on, making accusatory “comments”, snooping, and invading their privacy----with no good reason at all, and other jealous and disturbing behaviors— beware. Yes, it can become a self fulfilling prophecy. Yes, it can cause your spouse to rebel in order to try to regain a sense of self. Yes, it can cause your spouse to feel not “good” enough. Why stick around for that abuse?

You are alienating your spouse in a way you do not realize, if you do these things. Get into counseling. Pick up the book, “Changes that Heal” by Cloud-Townsend. Figure out why you are destroying your own life and causing exactly what you fear most- your spouse to leave b/c they cannot stand the undeserved criticism and loneliness it causes.

There is no real love, and no real possibility of “knowing” or “being known” when this behavior is present.

I know from first hand experience, and have been devastatingly lonely in my marriage. Objectified in my marriage. And spent too much time searching for new ways to “prove” myself though I was doing NOTHING wrong. How exhausting and sad. I am only wondering why I chose to endure this.

I think perhaps, I did not realize how deep such anxieties can run in people. How crippling it can be to intimacy. How there is no end to how “good” I can be, b/c it isn’t about me at all.

Perhaps, I have spent a lot of time trying to “prove” myself b/c as a child I never felt approval from my Dad. I have a much better relationship with him now, but as a kid I always wished I could get a “that a girl” *just once *from him.

I give the benefit of the doubt to a fault sometimes. I trust readily, but am realistic. I trust my husband to no end in hopes of ever getting it back in return. Not that he doesn’t have issues, but I am not and never will be jealous for no good reason. Such a waste. Don’t do it.
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Does your husband know how you feel?
 
baylee said:
Does your husband know how you feel?
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Yes, he does. In fact, I have told him that I will not spend my life trying to “prove” myself to him any longer. I told him all that I said here, and have had 3 big breakdowns over it throughout our 12 years together. It does not change. There are many other problems, but the jealousy has been a constant and chips away at all of the gifts that marriage should endow.
 
Lifeisamazing said:
Yes, he does. In fact, I have told him that I will not spend my life trying to “prove” myself to him any longer. I told him all that I said here, and have had 3 big breakdowns over it throughout our 12 years together. It does not change. There are many other problems, but the jealousy has been a constant and chips away at all of the gifts that marriage should endow.
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I’m so sorry…I do hope things change for you both…I will pray for you, your husband and your marriage.
 
Lifeisamazing said:
Yes, he does. In fact, I have told him that I will not spend my life trying to “prove” myself to him any longer. I told him all that I said here, and have had 3 big breakdowns over it throughout our 12 years together. It does not change. There are many other problems, but the jealousy has been a constant and chips away at all of the gifts that marriage should endow.
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Yes, jealousy can be literally lethal to a marriage. I think mistrust can take place in many forms…I wonder why your dh is so jealous, has he ever said the reasons? Did he come to the marriage with this problem?😦 I too am sorry…I’ll keep you and your husband in my prayers.
 
This questions reminds of when my husband and I did our wills. We also had power of attorneys drawn up.

The lawyer asked each of us, while the other was out of the room, do you trust your husband/wife completely? This power of attorney allows them to sell the house, cars and run off. They would not need your permission. They would not need to tell you. Do you trust him/her not to do that?

Yep. I do.
I also trust him with other women. He trusts me with other men. Like he says, “you come home to me.”

As bad as things have been in our life through the years, we have always turned toward each other. We really meant that sickness, health, richer, poorer, better and worse. We joke that we have tried the sickness, poorer and worse, now is the time for health, richer and better. 😃
 
i trust my husband.

i trust him with our vows. i trust him with my body. i trust him with my emotions. i trust him with my soul. i trust him with my children, with their bodies. i trust my husband with the souls of our children.

i trust him with our money, our home, our personal property and belongings. i trust him with the well-being of my mother, and my aged grandmother. i trust him to be a loving son to his parents.

i trust him with my friends, with his friends, with our friends.

i cannot trust him with a take-home box of sushi. go figure.
 
Sillara said:
Because you get lonely? Because you feel a sudden attraction? Because the OTHER person is lonely? There are many reasons, and it is terribly unwise to have a man not your husband stay the night when your husband is out of town.

I have seen marriages destroyed because of friends who started out merely friends, with no further intentions, ended up going MUCH too far. 😦 :mad: 😦

Be careful! There is trust, and then there is recklessness.
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Yeah!!! I agree…what the heck? The “ex” staying the night while the DH is out of town? Who does that? I mean really, it can only lead to no good…

Sorry to be harsh, but all the above is so true…:confused:
 
pentecostbaby said:
Because both DH and I are worried to have me stay home alone. And because I like to have someone to talk to, and because I literally forget to eat.
I understand why for many people this wouldn’t be a good idea. But it works for us - and honestly, my friend’s the most trustworthy person I’ve ever met. He’s NOT going to try to hit on me or something.
I appreciate the advice, but I know all parties involved - and believe me, nothing’s happening.
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Okay, it sounds a little like you need a babysitter…??? I’m not trying to be disrespectful or funny, it’s just that it does NOT sound right for you all to be taking this risk…he’s your ex-boyfriend for crying out loud…I’m sure your husband has to wonder from time to time, I mean, he’s only human!

Don’t you have a sister, cousin, girlfriend, mother, grandma, aunt, anyone else other than your ex to stay with you and watch over you while your husband is out of town?:confused:
 
Lifeisamazing said:
I hope you don’t think I was talking to you! :o I didn’t even read the other posts. This is just what I am going through and trying to make peace with.
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Lifeisamazing…did your husband cheat on you? Just a question, no offense intended. I only ask, because you sound like you just described me a little bit…
 
Lifeisamazing said:
Yes, he does. In fact, I have told him that I will not spend my life trying to “prove” myself to him any longer. I told him all that I said here, and have had 3 big breakdowns over it throughout our 12 years together. It does not change. There are many other problems, but the jealousy has been a constant and chips away at all of the gifts that marriage should endow.
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Oh…I see that I may have misunderstood the situation, forgive me, it’s late and I’ve been on this site far too much today…I’m going through a rough patch right now…😊
 
Without trust there really can’t be real love.

To trust someone is to put yourself in their hands. If you can’t do that, there is something missing.

Having said that, I used to trust people after they earned it. I mean, I trusted family members because I knew them. I didn’t trust strangers. I trusted people I knew and loved. Again… trust and love go together. You can’t love someone you don’t know. The more you know them and what they are and aren’t capable of doing, the more you can predict what they will do and what they won’t do. That builds trust. And the more you trust someone the more you can love them. When someone breaks that bond of trust, it begins to break down the bonds of love.

Eventually you doubt whether you ever knew that person at all and if your love was built on a mirage.

Even parents with drug addicted kids who steal them blind “love” the kids without trusting them. But I doubt that love stays firm forever. Eventually you have to preserve yourself and show other children in a family greater love to protect them.

Love cannot exist with lies. Plain and simple. Christ is Truth and Love. Can’t have one without the other.

Someone who really loves you completely won’t lie to you. Can’t lie to you. They know you deserve the truth.

So why do people not trust? Why are people jealous? I believe that people don’t trust because they either:
a. Don’t feel the people love them enough to give them the truth and to be trustworthy. They are insecure.
b. Are liars themselves and believe everyone is like them. They would cheat, so they accuse an innocent spouse of cheating. They would steal, so they accuse employees of embezzling.
c. Have been lied to by a very good liar and now doubt their ability to discern who is honest and who isn’t. That kind of person can be convinced, but only slowly and only by being the one person they can trust. Once burned, twice shy.

I think a good question is why would someone, who knows someone really loves and trust them, do anything to be untrustworthy and negate that tremendous faith someone has in them? Why throw that kind of respect away? What’s in it for someone who once had people respect them now to see suspicion in people’s eyes? I couldn’t live like that.

So people don’t trust either because they don’t know someone very well, (or deep down, especially with spouses, feel as if there are things they really aren’t sure of about their spouse) or because they know them too well, and know that trust would be misplaced.

Integrity is being a whole person, not one shot through with character flaws like swiss cheese. I never met a dishonest person who didn’t also lack a whole bunch of other qualities. Usually spouses work from having lots of trust to having none at all. It’s worn away by every act in a marriage. Or built up by a lifetime of honorable actions. I think the OP has been burned before by her spouse and where once she would have bought the story now has reason to believe it’s part of a pattern of deception. THAT is a cancer to a marriage. It needs immediate attention or the marriage won’t last. Love won’t last.
 
I think I would go crazy if I felt I couldn’t trust DH, especially with a baby on the way. However, he has done nothing to make me feel otherwise. If he were to engage in some kind of lying or questionable behavior, perhaps my feelings would be different. I guess I don’t want to judge others who are having a hard time trusting because I don’t know how i’d feel in their situations.
 
Lifeisamazing said:
Yes, he does. In fact, I have told him that I will not spend my life trying to “prove” myself to him any longer. I told him all that I said here, and have had 3 big breakdowns over it throughout our 12 years together. It does not change. There are many other problems, but the jealousy has been a constant and chips away at all of the gifts that marriage should endow.
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You have to be happy in this life. What you are going through is not healthy and you deserve better.
 
I trust my dh completely.
Which has nothing to do with why I wouldn’t appreciate his hanging out with the opposite sex.
It is inappropriate behavior for a married man to do that, imnsho.
Same goes for me.
It’s not a question of trust.
It’s a question of respect and devotion to one’s spouse and never risking scandal in that area. Even if it’s only in one’s mind or heart.
There is not any excuse for seeking something from the opposite sex other than what one should have with their spouse. Be it confidences, a hug, a hobby or whatever. I’ll also say, I feel I have an obligation to make myself available to meet those needs if he expresses a desire to share them with me. It would hurt me deeply to know that my dh sought out another woman to fulfill ANY of his needs, be it a friendship or conversation about beer brew techniques. (And yes, because I love him, I’ve learned a lot about beer brewing and I don’t even like to drink beer!:D)
And no I do not feel my dh has to do everything with me. I have no issue with a guy’s night out or him hanging with our kids or whatever. But hanging out with a woman (or women) sans his wife? Um no.
**And altho he has complete and total trust in me, I think he’d feel the same way about my spending private time with another man or group of men. Not that it’s really an issue. Most men tend to move their wives away from me for fear my fertility is contagious.:cool: **
I don’t think this is neccessarily a question about societal norms and a comfort zones in one’s marriage.
And it begs the question, if a man knows it makes his wife uncomfortable (regardless of level of trust) why would he do that to her when it’s so very simple to not do it?
To me, that’s a sign or disrespect and a lack of affection for one’s spouse.
It really doesn’t matter if it’s a trust issue or not.
If it hurts the marriage in some way, why push it?
Why would anyone insist on having a relationship of any level or kind with someone outside their marriage knowing it hurts their other half - whom they are called to love and cherish?:confused:
 
I just wanted to thank everyone so far for sharing their thoughts and sometimes very personal situations…I have gained a lot from this thread already!
 
Ooh, I am sorry I may have derailed the thread a bit.😊

Just wanted to express that I do trust freely, and also show the other side of what happens when a spouse cannot trust.

Unfortunately, my husband does this with no good reason, truly like a compulsion. (I have even urged him to seek medical help, as I am witnessing anxiety symptoms and irrational fears on this subject and other areas of our life.)

Was like that from the beginning, but I thought he had just had some bad experiences and in time I could “prove” I wasn’t “bad” by just living my life by example. That time/maturity and example would extinguish that behavior. Oh boy, was I wrong and unhealthy in thinking that.
 
Rob_s_Wife said:
I trust my dh completely.
Which has nothing to do with why I wouldn’t appreciate his hanging out with the opposite sex.
It is inappropriate behavior for a married man to do that, imnsho.
Same goes for me.
It’s not a question of trust.
It’s a question of respect and devotion to one’s spouse and never risking scandal in that area. Even if it’s only in one’s mind or heart.
There is not any excuse for seeking something from the opposite sex other than what one should have with their spouse. Be it confidences, a hug, a hobby or whatever. I’ll also say, I feel I have an obligation to make myself available to meet those needs if he expresses a desire to share them with me. It would hurt me deeply to know that my dh sought out another woman to fulfill ANY of his needs, be it a friendship or conversation about beer brew techniques. (And yes, because I love him, I’ve learned a lot about beer brewing and I don’t even like to drink beer!:D)
And no I do not feel my dh has to do everything with me. I have no issue with a guy’s night out or him hanging with our kids or whatever. But hanging out with a woman (or women) sans his wife? Um no.
**And altho he has complete and total trust in me, I think he’d feel the same way about my spending private time with another man or group of men. Not that it’s really an issue. Most men tend to move their wives away from me for fear my fertility is contagious.:cool: **
I don’t think this is neccessarily a question about societal norms and a comfort zones in one’s marriage.
And it begs the question, if a man knows it makes his wife uncomfortable (regardless of level of trust) why would he do that to her when it’s so very simple to not do it?
To me, that’s a sign or disrespect and a lack of affection for one’s spouse.
It really doesn’t matter if it’s a trust issue or not.
If it hurts the marriage in some way, why push it?
Why would anyone insist on having a relationship of any level or kind with someone outside their marriage knowing it hurts their other half - whom they are called to love and cherish?:confused:
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If that works for you guys, then that’s great. Different things work for different people.

My husband has a very close friendship with a woman. They could sleep in the same room and I really wouldnt’ have a problem with it b/c I know this woman and she is an amazing person. She’s like his sister. She’s a very loving woman and would never do anything to hurt anyone.

My husband has other women friends at work and I’m sure he goes out to lunch with them alone, but I really don’t care. It’s a non issue.

I don’t really have any guy friends (other than DH’s friends and my bestfriend’s husband). I tend to be a girlfriend only person 🙂 I’m sure my hubby wouldn’t mind if I had a guy friend and he knew the guy and trusted him like I do his woman friend.

I once had a very close guy friend from university (we had been friends for 12 years) and his then fiance got jealous and he had to break off our friendship. I was very hurt in the process b/c I had a deep history with his family - I helped nurse his mother before she died of cancer. I had to say good-bye to all of them.
 
Hi Baylee… in response to the OP, I do trust my husband. I trust him with my life, my children’s lives, the finances… all of it.

It took some time for me to get here, though. I had a series of emotional traumas as a child and young woman… especially what I went through as a married teen (not a valid marriage, found to be null by a Tribunal). Based on my painful past, it took almost two years into my marriage with my VERY faithful, devout Catholic husband untilI realized I didn’t have secret worries or near panic-attacks anymore. This poor man dealt with interrogations and me looking through his personal things, searching for evidence of some secret life. It is shameful for me to admit now, but he completely understood what I was going through was a form of PTSD. It took a lot of counselling and patience on his part. But as I said, he is a true man of God, and he bore it all with so much grace!

At this point in my life, I never ever ever feel the need to check up on him in any way. I have complete and total trust that he will love, honor, and cherish me all the days of his life. My husband goes to Daily Mass on his lunch break, does all of the morning/noon/evening/compline prayers and readings, is a member of That Man Is You and Knights of Columbus in our parish. He is a good man who surrounds himself with good men. He is so devoted to God and our faith, that I know he would not do anything to risk his soul. I don’t think anyone else in the world would have put up with me in those early years… and certainly not with so much grace, compassion, gentleness, patience, and empathy!

I often say my husband loves me more than any other man on earth loves his wife. And I don’t mean that in a romantic/feelings-based way (though I think he’s wonderful there too!) but he loves me as Christ loves the Church. His “love” is a choice and an action, not just a romantic feeling (though that is great too!). He inspires me to be a better woman and better wife. I can honestly say that I hope my daughters (if called to the vocation of marriage) will marry a man just like their Daddy. 🙂
 
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