I am a firm believer that the marital bedroom is for husband and wife only, and that children should not be in there except when ill, injured, bad weather, nightmares, and when they are newborns. My wife disagrees with me and wants to share the bed with our children. I told her if that happens, I’m sleeping on the couch.
Any thoughts?
I will echo others who have said this seems to be a rather uncharitable way to approach the disagreement. You should probably consider being a little more open to the individuals your children are, and to the fact that your life changes a lot with kids. I would NOT recommend trying to make hard and fast rules about such things if you are not yet a parent. What actually works for your family in reality may or may not be what you envisioned when you had the luxury of just theorizing and speculating. And I agree with MaryHelene:
‘Your wife is going to see this as a “my husband or my child” thing, and trust me, you will lose - if not in the bed, in her heart.’
First of all, what does it mean to “share the bed with our children”? For the first few months? You betcha! Best thing I ever did, and the only way I got any sleep at all was being able to nurse the baby on my side while half asleep. For many couples, marital relations are going to take a back seat for a couple months anyway. (I was recovering from a C-section and bled for 9 weeks straight. It happens.) And I think you will find one of the best things for your relationship with your wife is making sure the new mom gets as much sleep as possible! Really. For many, co-sleeping really helps the woman to get enough rest.
Once the baby can sleep for about 5-6 hours straight, I personally think it’s a good thing if you can transition them to their own room. Worked well for us - with our first, at about 4-5 months, no problems. Our second child? Not so much. Ok, not at all. That one was/is very clingy and likes to cuddle. He is capable of wailing pitifully for hours on end when left alone. He is often still in our bed at 2.5 years old. We’ve decided we’ll transition him away from this at age 3, except for the types of exceptions you mention. But you know what? We make it work for now by letting him go to sleep in our bed at his bedtime, then we carry him into his own bed when we want to go to bed. Sure, some nights he wakes up when we try to move him, and we just let him stay in our bed, but it’s not that often. Usually we get 3-6 hours to ourselves before he wanders back in at 2-5am. Even if we didn’t “allow” it, he sneaks in very quietly. I guess we could punish him for that until he stops, but I don’t see the need to do so. Sometimes neither of us know when he climbed in - we never woke up. Frankly, as long as we get “enough” time to ourselves (husband/wife), I really enjoy cuddling in bed with my young children. I love it, actually, and will miss those times when they’re too old for it.
Lastly, I’ll say I have been soooo happy we invested in a king-size bed, despite our room being tiny, and despite the expense.
Can I ask, what are your main concerns, exactly, that has made you a “firm believer” that your room is for husband and wife only? People may arrive at the conclusion from different angles, and some of these would be easier to address than others. Also, when you say your wife wants to have the children share the bed, has she discussed up to what age? Under 1 is different from 2 is very different from a 6 year old.
Here’s some reading for you:
Ten Reasons to Sleep Next to Your Child at Night
Go Ahead—Sleep With Your Kids (written by a man)
My husband goes to sleep early and I am a night owl.