Do your children sleep in the bed with you?

[Em_in_FL]

This is a personal issue between you and your wife, which will require communication and compromise.
Everyone else’s personal opinions are meaningless to your discussion.

 

[mini_me640]

I think the OP mentioned that he’s cool with newborns being in the room and even the bed. I don’t know how young “newborn” is, but I imagine an infant qualifies as well.

The two we’ve had thus far have slept in our room in a portable crib until about six months or so. Then they transitioned to the kids’ room but were back and forth a bit until they were very sound sleepers through the night. That’s probably pretty typical.

Above all the OP needs to speak with his wife, come to some common ground and definitely not take a passive-aggressive approach and kick himself out. Women hate passive-aggressive nonsense. I should know. I’m guilty of that myself from time to time and it’s the thing that most annoys my wife!

By babies I really meant babies and toddlers. I should have been more clear. I don’t have an issue with parents wanting their baby in another room if they decide together, I just have an issue with the idea that separate sleep is the only way.

I agree most of all they need to talk and compromise.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I’m interested in the origins of the firm belief, too. Historically, and currently around the world, families sleep together.

Our kids are in and out of our bed till they’re about three years old. Sometimes a little older. Despite all this activity we have found ways to be ‘marital’. We have 10 kids.

I had a 7 year old in bed with us for 2 nights. She wasn’t feeling well one night, and then the second night she had had an accident.

So instead of waking me she changed and came into our bed. I didn’t even notice until morning.

The toddler is still in our room…(we haven’t moved him yet)

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

The idea that babies should sleep alone is a very new and largely American concept.

I read - can’t remember the name of the book but it explored the history of the American home building industry - that encouraging parents to have a separate room for baby came about in the housing boom after WWII, and manufacturers touted bigger homes to couples. (They also at this time pushed the idea that a one-bathroom home was outdated.)

Luna

 

[EasterJoy]

This is a personal issue between you and your wife, which will require communication and compromise.
Everyone else’s personal opinions are meaningless to your discussion.

This is true. People have very strong opinions, they have experience worth taking into consideration, but they do it different ways and have varying levels of satisfaction with their choice no matter what they do. I am sure that some parents even make different decisions for different children, because of differing temperaments in the children and evolving family dynamics.

Put each other first, then decide, be willing to re-visit the decision as you decide is necessary; you won’t go wrong. If you’re not locked into to deciding once and for all, if you trust that you can reverse a previous decision that isn’t working, sometimes that makes a compromise trial far easier to consider.

(I would, however, make certain that you’re not choosing anything that has a high chance of smothering the child, that kind of thing…)

 

[armywife]

This is a personal issue between you and your wife, which will require communication and compromise.
Everyone else’s personal opinions are meaningless to your discussion.

This.

OP, in case you hadn’t noticed people get really excited about co-sleeping or not. I have lots of friends who co-sleep. To each their own… it’s just not my thing. Mine always stay in a bassinet in our room until 4-6months. (We have 7)

I’ve come to basically understand that if someone parents differently than it’s difficult for people because they feel their parenting might be wrong. It’s just so personal and everyone thinks one wrong move is going to mess their kids up for life. I’m just more laid back and accept that I will mess my kids up one way or another

 

[Pfaffenhoffen]

I’m interested in the origins of the firm belief, too. Historically, and currently around the world, families sleep together.

Our kids are in and out of our bed till they’re about three years old. Sometimes a little older. Despite all this activity we have found ways to be ‘marital’. We have 10 kids.

Great post.
And, I am sure it was not “only” 10 times …
In the Far East and in India, families many times sleep all in one room, and if you are lucky, there are the grannys from both sides and a wingless aunty too.
And it seems they had no problem with “marital duty” (I love the expression that makes me, sorry, laugh…)
How do I know: I was in the Far East. And in India, in the branch of my family there, I slept like this, on the floor, without mattresses not knowing who my neighbor would be…usually was my loving cousins’ baby girl, now a medical research scientist in…Germany, after starting her career as a scientist in the USA…life is surprising…

 

[Cat]

I tend to agree with the OP, even when it comes to the rigidity.

My husband and I raised two daughters.

I think that parents do have to rigidly stick to their guns on issues that they feel strongly about, and be flexible on other issues.

It is when parents waffle around and waver and go back and forth that children get confused and frustrated.

Yes, a parent has to be willing to be flexible when they discover that their child has health issues, or other issues that require a different childrearing strategy then they had originally planned. E.g., if a child is simply not an athlete, it is fruitless and frustrating for all when the parents insist that the child be hyper-involved in sports. Same if the child is not a musician, or not a genius, or has some kind of disability or is gifted in some way–we have to raise the child that we were given by God, and not pine for a fantasy child!

But I see nothing wrong with parents making up their mind on various approaches to childrearing, and sticking with it. The main problem with the OP is not that he is rigid about the co-sleeping issue, but that the other spouse is not in agreement. This is not good at all–disagreement between parents is a disaster for children. The issue of family sleeping patterns all needs to be worked out to the mutual satisfaction of both spouses BEFORE there are children.

That being said, my husband and I do not like the idea of families sleeping together here in the United States.

We wanted the kind of family where our children were comfortable sleeping away from home at Grandma’s or at a friend’s house or with a sports team, and didn’t require an elaborate bedtime ritual or habit to be able to sleep. From the time they were babies, we put them to bed while they were awake, with no rocking or walking or any kind of prolonged ritual. We always said a prayer with them and sang a song (14 Angels from Hansel and Gretel). And our girls always slept in their own rooms and beds. And I breastfed–I got up and took them to the family room and watched TV while they were eating. And they both slept through the night when they were babies.

Our girls are grown up now, and we have small nephews. These boys have slept with their mother and father or one of their grandparents since they were babies. They are now 6 (twins) and 9, and they still have to have their parents sleeping with them, if not in the same bed, at least in the same room.

This makes normal life here in the U.S. difficult for them. They are not able to come to spend the night at our house or any other relative’s house because they are afraid to sleep away from their parents or grandparents. They are not able to go to their friends’ houses for sleepovers. They are not able to go to any kind of overnight with scouts, church group, sports teams, or camp. (Our daughter first attended sleep-away camp for three days when she was 9).

When we have our big family house party at a resort farmhouse (we rent it for several days), the boys are not able to sleep in the family room on the floor in sleeping bags like the other kids. They have to sleep in a room with parents or grandparents.

In other words, their “family bed” routine has isolated them from many other children their age, including their own cousins. This isn’t good. At this point, their mother is planning to put them into counselling to help them be more socially comfortable with other children. I’m guessing the family bed issue will come up, and that the counsellor will begin working with the boys and parents to help them to sleep independently.

 

[28562]

Your wife is going to see this as a “my husband or my child” thing, and trust me, you will lose - if not in the bed, in her heart.

Perhaps the OP sees this as his wife already loving the kids more than him. Like it or not, many times, the husband comes last to everyone. It seems as though we are supposed to always bow to our wives, but it is okay for them to put kids before us–always.

I don’t care how strong of a man you are, you need to be the top priority in your wife’s life, at least sometimes. It hurts when you get kicked to the curb and nobody cares…

 

[monicatholic]

Cat, my interest isn’t in the ops position as much as it is in the firm belief.

A firm preference is different than a firm belief. Current and broad cultural practice and and historically there’s less to support the firm belief of separate sleep than family bed.

As for your nephews, its just as likely that family bed solutions are an appropriate response to very attached kids, as opposed to your inference that family bed created the clingy kids.

All that aside, rigididly held positions on ANYTHING besides faith and morals, especially in marriage, become bones of contention. And sometimes, even wars.

Is this the hill OP is willing to die on? Is this the hill OP is willing to vanquish on? Important questions, esp. when its a topic of preferences, not objective truth. Many posters have suggested the OP and spouse need to communicate and compromise. Knowing why you prefer what you prefer helps the communication.

Perhaps tho, there’s a painful history behind the ridgid assertion? That would be the game changer.

 

[Jennifer_J]

In other words, their “family bed” routine has isolated them from many other children their age, including their own cousins. This isn’t good. At this point, their mother is planning to put them into counselling to help them be more socially comfortable with other children. I’m guessing the family bed issue will come up, and that the counsellor will begin working with the boys and parents to help them to sleep independently.

Correlation doesn’t mean causation…There is no proof that the family bed made these children have these ‘problems’. I have just as much anecdotal evidence with my own children to the contrary. Pulling out extreme examples isn’t really helpful, esp since we’ve all said the issues isn’t cosleeping, but the fact that the OP (who’s never posted again) doesn’t seem willing to talk it out with his spouse. “Laying down the law” is no way to behave in a mature relationship. Communication and compromise…

 

[ccl239]

Two thoughts. 1) As a child I was never allowed in my parents bed for any reason at all. My mom always came to my room if I was sick/had a nightmare etc. I was still TERRIFIED to sleep at Grandma’s, spend the night at a friends, go to camp, so I never did. I believe I turned out fine.

1. Our two children have slept in bed/our room with us every day so far (they are 3 1/2 and a newborn). It has been wonderful for us. I believe it has actually made our marriage stronger. As for marital relations, lets just say there are more rooms besides the bedroom with a lock on it!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Perhaps the OP sees this as his wife already loving the kids more than him. Like it or not, many times, the husband comes last to everyone. It seems as though we are supposed to always bow to our wives, but it is okay for them to put kids before us–always.

I don’t care how strong of a man you are, you need to be the top priority in your wife’s life, at least sometimes. It hurts when you get kicked to the curb and nobody cares…

:sad_yes:

I have read many posts by men who have been kicked out of their own bed and end up sleeping on the couch because their wife cannot say no to a child sleeping in bed with her…but in effect, she says no to her husband, who was there before the child. It is sad.

 

[EasterJoy]

:sad_yes:

I have read many posts by men who have been kicked out of their own bed and end up sleeping on the couch because their wife cannot say no to a child sleeping in bed with her…but in effect, she says no to her husband, who was there before the child. It is sad.

Did he say his wife was going to kick him out? If so, I missed that. My concern was that he seems to be willing to exclude himself. I feel that is not a good way to handle a disagreement of this nature. It doesn’t have to do with who was “there first”, but rather the importance of the primary marital relationship, even to the children.

Children need to see their parents put each other first, not because they were “there first”, but because they are husband and wife. If a spouse is widowed and remarried, in other words, “there first” would have nothing to do with it. The late-comer spouse is still the spouse. If it was between a spouse and an in-law, it is also not “there first”. It does children tremendous good to see their parents as an unassailable pair of adults in which each is primarily concerned with the welfare of the other. This is particularly true when they go out into the world and see their friends’ parents and familys splitting up. You do not want them to question whether their parents are next.

An obvious and unwavering solidarity and mutual respect, care, and sacrificial forbearance between parents is far more important than where the kids wind up sleeping. That is the main thing.

 

[jawgee]

It wasn’t clear if the OP already has children or not, but having an ultimatem is not the way to approach the disagreement!

I, too, thought that my children would sleep in their own beds. Co-sleeping was not something either my DH or I planned on. Our oldest, though, turned out to be a very needy baby. He nursed several times during the night and was very difficult to get to sleep. In order to preserve my sanity and try to get some sleep during the night, we co-slept with him.

Being a nursing mom, I came to realize how much more sleep I could get if I didn’t have to get up and go to another room to nurse the baby. We now have our fourth little co-sleeper.

My DH doesn’t mind, and it is a really beautiful sight to get up in the morning and see my little girl snuggled right up to her daddy, safe and warm in his arms.

Since she’s 2 1/2 now, she starts the night in her own bed and will join us in the middle of the night if there is a bad dream, or first thing in the morning (because she wakes at the crack of dawn).

Anyway, I am so glad that DH and I were flexible about it before we had children. We had our own ideas, but circumstances forced us to open our minds and our hearts.

 

[EasterJoy]

It wasn’t clear if the OP already has children or not, but having an ultimatem is not the way to approach the disagreement!

I, too, thought that my children would sleep in their own beds. Co-sleeping was not something either my DH or I planned on. Our oldest, though, turned out to be a very needy baby. He nursed several times during the night and was very difficult to get to sleep. In order to preserve my sanity and try to get some sleep during the night, we co-slept with him.

Being a nursing mom, I came to realize how much more sleep I could get if I didn’t have to get up and go to another room to nurse the baby. We now have our fourth little co-sleeper.

My DH doesn’t mind, and it is a really beautiful sight to get up in the morning and see my little girl snuggled right up to her daddy, safe and warm in his arms.

Since she’s 2 1/2 now, she starts the night in her own bed and will join us in the middle of the night if there is a bad dream, or first thing in the morning (because she wakes at the crack of dawn).

Anyway, I am so glad that DH and I were flexible about it before we had children. We had our own ideas, but circumstances forced us to open our minds and our hearts.

Yes!

We, OTOH, had twins. My husband had to get a certain amount of uninterrupted sleep because he worked in medicine. I had to get a certain amount of uninterrupted sleep so I wouldn’t go insane. We needed two bodies per baby available until they were about 3 months old. It worked out far better to have them in their own room, so we could work in shifts with whoever came to help us out without upsetting the twins sleep or the continuity of where they slept. Even if we had wanted to co-sleep with them at night, because of the nature of their sleep and feeding habits, it would not have worked out. Instead, the twins had their naps on a lap during the day. In a way, they got to co-sleep, too, but never in their parents’ bedroom. (Other parents of twins used co-sleeping, though, and swore they would have gone insane without it!)

That’s parenthood…you start with a great theory, but some parts of it will get smashed on the rocks. You gotta do what you have to do to keep the ship afloat, and go with the flow!

 

[EvelynEVF]

Some people have kids who are perfectly happy sleeping in their own space (not their own room, though! The AAP has come out with a clear statement that at least for the first few months, an infant needs to be in the same room with parents in order to reduce SIDS risk). Some people have kids who want help to first fall asleep and then don’t mind being moved. And some, like me, have kids who nurse a lot at night and I would have been a sleepless basketcase had I been required to leave the room every time the baby needed to eat. THAT would surely have killed my libido.

I think if you have babies in the adult bed, and the adults want to have sex, they can get creative and go somewhere else. If mom is utterly exhausted from being up all night and feels that her husband is her adversary in this, having the “marital bed” isn’t going to do anybody any good.

FTR, I coslept for years and still occasionally pass out during bedtime prayers and just get up and move later. Both my kids have done sleepovers at ages I thought were developmentally appropriate.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

When I was a child I was not allowed in my parents’ bedroom. Sometimes in the case of a huge thunderstorm I would be allowed in, but I don’t really remember getting to sleep in their room much at all. I think this is an issue of keeping the marriage first. A husband and wife need their space.
I understand keeping a very small baby in a bassinet beside the bed when parents have to get up 100 times a night. The baby certainly won’t remember anything so the parents still have some privacy. However, I cannot imagine allowing a small child to sleep in the bed with me and my husband.

 

[EasterJoy]

The AAP has come out with a clear statement that at least for the first few months, an infant needs to be in the same room with parents in order to reduce SIDS risk).

Where did you get that? I don’t see that in the task force report posted at the AAP web site:
pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/105/3/650.full

All it says is this:
As an alternative to bed sharing, parents might consider placing the infant’s crib near their bed to allow for more convenient breastfeeding and parent contact.

That is, not that the crib ought to be in the parent’s room, but that it was better to have a crib in the parents’ room than to have the infant in bed with the parents.

With the wide availability of remote monitors, I have no idea why a parent would need to be in the same room with the infant. You could actually hear the infant’s sounds louder on a monitor than in the same room.

 

[EvelynEVF]

aappolicy.aappublications.org/cgi/reprint/pediatrics;116/5/1245.pdf
“The safest place for an infant to sleep is in a crib in the parents’ room for the first 6 months of life.”

It’s not about the parents hearing the baby; it’s about the baby hearing the parents, which helps them be more arousable and less prone to periods of apnea. Turns out that some of the synchronization of sleep cycles and breathing, etc, that happen during co-bedding also happen when the baby is not quite so close to the mom.