Do your children sleep in the bed with you?

[Jennifer_J]

No, it isn’t “normal” to nurse one’s child til the age of 5 and even older, to wear them in a sling when they are readily able to walk about, to have everyone sleeping in a “family bed” til their teen years and beyond–other cultures may do some of these things due to lack of HAVING more than one room rather than family intimacy. But I see many mothers become literally so in love with their babies that they neglect the PRIMARY relationship which is with the spouse to dote upon the baby 24-7 making certain it never cries, never has to learn to wait for anything, and is always the center of mom’s attention. And as I said, to each his own, but I would not appreciate having to “get creative with time and place” just to participate in normal marital intimacy because all my kids were piled up in my bed.

What? What are you talking about? No one here is talking about family bed with teens or super extended nursing. I have nursed a child until he was 4, because he needed it–whether you think he did or not. I doubt you’ve seen any of the above you posted, either. Babies ARE the center of mom’s attention, because they need it-it doesn’t spoil them to respond to their cues and communications. That’s the way it is. Caring for infants is a 24/7 job that usually falls to mom. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t appreciate finding a different place for intimacy, it’s not like the marital bed is something magical or sacramental or anything. It’s a bed. Primarily used for sleeping. Again, you need to respect others choices in matters of raising children and not drag up such extreme examples. For most parents who subscribe to attachment parenting, your above examples don’t apply.

 

[EasterJoy]

Please read Dr. McKenna’s research into this:
cosleeping.nd.edu/

cosleeping.nd.edu/frequently-asked-questions/#3
<<The short-term dependence on the proximity of a caregiver for physiological regulation, and protection is just finally being recognized scientifically as being extremely important and beneficial (see Barak et al. 2011 Should Neonates Sleep Alone, downloadable from this website) Mosko et al., 1998; McKenna et al 2007), and helps to explain why infants should avoid sleeping alone outside the sensory range by which a caregiver and infant detect each others sensory signals, cues, or stimuli, all of which facilitate and represent interactions that augment neurological connections and provide the foundation for the development of cognition and intellectual development, and the proliferation of neural networks that support these systems.>>

<< Moreover, at birth the infant’s breathing i.e. respiratory system is also not yet fully developed, as regards complete control of both voluntary and involuntary breathing and the relationship between the two systems especially during sleep (see McKenna et al 2007 for explanation and McKenna 1986); nor is the infant’s thermo-regulatory system developed as the infant is unable to shiver, for example, to keep its own body warm. Indeed, the human infant’s physiology is not designed to function optimally outside the context by which usually the breastfeeding mother can compensate for the infants developmental (neurological) vulnerabilities. In a sense proximity to parents during the night acts as a buffer between the immature infant and the microenvironment within which it lives. >>

This is also from Dr. McKenna’s web site, however, a message from the good doctor himself:

I firmly maintain that informed parents and not external authorities (medical or otherwise) are (and should be) in the best position to know exactly in what ways and why various forms of cosleeping will or will not work (and be safe) for them. This civil right belongs to parents, that is, the right to be in charge of their own infant or child care decisions and it needs to be protected as it is crucial both for our democracy and to promote confident, healthy and happy families.

OP, you owe it to yourself, not to mention your wife, to do some research on this topic. Then resolve to work it out peacefully between the two of you, conceding to each other and putting the demands of love first. After all, as Steven Covey likes to say, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.

 

[happymommy]

What? What are you talking about? No one here is talking about family bed with teens or super extended nursing. I have nursed a child until he was 4, because he needed it–whether you think he did or not. I doubt you’ve seen any of the above you posted, either. Babies ARE the center of mom’s attention, because they need it-it doesn’t spoil them to respond to their cues and communications. That’s the way it is. Caring for infants is a 24/7 job that usually falls to mom. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t appreciate finding a different place for intimacy, it’s not like the marital bed is something magical or sacramental or anything. It’s a bed. Primarily used for sleeping. Again, you need to respect others choices in matters of raising children and not drag up such extreme examples. For most parents who subscribe to attachment parenting, your above examples don’t apply.

And a baby is just that, a baby! He/she needs his mother for everything! The father is an adult that would hopefully be grown up enough to not expect his wife to ingnore their child so the wife can take care of him! My husband and I spend lots of time together, have wonderful talks and are more in love with each other now than before we had our kids. And we go out alone together maybe 2 or 3 times a year! Last time was in October!

Yep, it’s just a bed! Lots of good times can be had in other places…if you’re not boring

 

[EasterJoy]

What? What are you talking about? No one here is talking about family bed with teens or super extended nursing. I have nursed a child until he was 4, because he needed it–whether you think he did or not. I doubt you’ve seen any of the above you posted, either. Babies ARE the center of mom’s attention, because they need it-it doesn’t spoil them to respond to their cues and communications. That’s the way it is. Caring for infants is a 24/7 job that usually falls to mom. I’m not sure why you wouldn’t appreciate finding a different place for intimacy, it’s not like the marital bed is something magical or sacramental or anything. It’s a bed. Primarily used for sleeping. Again, you need to respect others choices in matters of raising children and not drag up such extreme examples. For most parents who subscribe to attachment parenting, your above examples don’t apply.

I had a friend who felt a need to bribe her 4 year old with a kitten in order to “convince” the child it was time to give up breastfeeding. To say that this seemed to me to be an odd state of affairs would be putting it mildly. Her husband thought this was fine, so the rest of us figured she could manage her child and her breasts whatever way she wanted. My great grandmother reportedly used to say that her children would quit breastfeeding and take up chewing tobacco at approximately the same phase in their lives, so obviously there has been a wide range of parenting practices throughout history, even in my own family.

It may be true that this 24/7 task of infant care often falls to Mom, but I respectfully suggest that it is a good thing for Mom to pointedly give up control of the baby to Dad or some other family member for a certain amount of time each day. Whether she decides to see to Mom, not to mention her other children, which have this way to being there after some amount of time, is up to her. Besides, it is an unusual infant who literally needs to be attended to 24/7. One day of colic, a truly all-consuming proposition, can convince anybody of that. (And yes, breastfed babies do get colic sometimes, so let’s not open that debate…please.)

It is also true that it is the couple’s perogative to carve out a little place in their house that belongs to them alone. If they want to make their bed or their bedroom an inviolate sanctuary, that is just as much their business as if you want to nurse your child until he’s four. Children have been known to grow up relatively unscathed under both regimes. Let’s leave each other alone about it.

 

[EasterJoy]

And a baby is just that, a baby! He/she needs his mother for everything! The father is an adult that would hopefully be grown up enough to not expect his wife to ingnore their child so the wife can take care of him! My husband and I spend lots of time together, have wonderful talks and are more in love with each other now than before we had our kids. And we go out alone together maybe 2 or 3 times a year! Last time was in October!

Yep, it’s just a bed! Lots of good times can be had in other places…if you’re not boring

Yes, well, some husbands are “grown up enough” to eventually wind up with their own apartment. Considering the marriage and the parent-child relationship, I would not be cavalier about giving the former short shrift. We can argue about the dangers of SIDS, but I don’t think anybody can argue what it does to a child to have their parents divorce or to have a family home where affection between the parents is lacking or where there is tension between parents.

If a child can pick up on the sounds of their parents breathing at night, consider what it does to live in a home where there is strife. A child can pick up on that, too, and at a very young age. There is nothing more important to a child than love, and that includes experiencing an atmosphere of mutual affection between his or her parents. The comfort of hearing Mom and Dad snore at night might be beneficial, but it could hardly undo the harm of hearing Mom and Dad argue during the day.

You and your husband are mutually happy with the way you are running your family. Allow the OP and his wife to find their own way, without outside interference.

PS Let’s not get to full of our maternal selves. A child needs someone for everything. It does not always have to be Mom…as Mom’s mom is often there to point out!

 

[happymommy]

Yes, well, some husbands are “grown up enough” to eventually wind up with their own apartment. Considering the marriage and the parent-child relationship, I would not be cavalier about giving the former short shrift. We can argue about the dangers of SIDS, but I don’t think anybody can argue what it does to a child to have their parents divorce or to have a family home where affection between the parents is lacking or where there is tension between parents.

If a child can pick up on the sounds of their parents breathing at night, consider what it does to live in a home where there is strife. A child can pick up on that, too, and at a very young age. There is nothing more important to a child than love, and that includes experiencing an atmosphere of mutual affection between his or her parents. The comfort of hearing Mom and Dad snore at night might be beneficial, but it could hardly undo the harm of hearing Mom and Dad argue during the day.

You and your husband are mutually happy with the way you are running your family. Allow the OP and his wife to find their own way, without outside interference.

PS Let’s not get to full of our maternal selves. A child needs someone for everything. It does not always have to be Mom…as Mom’s mom is often there to point out!

Do you really think that getting through the first, few months of a child’s life, would cause a husband to leave his family? I don’t. I think if a man does that he so selfish that he shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place!

If the OP didn’t want “outside interference” then he shouldn’t have asked the question

I agree that a baby doesn’t have to have Mom every moment of every day. My point was that a father should not be jealous of his children! Do some women ignore their husbands, yes, they do. But I’ve also seen parents who put their children on the back burner and only focus on themselves!! There has to be a happy medium! But I do think that since the care of young children does tend to fall on mom 99% of the time, that what works best for her should be held a little higher than dad! We have only had one child sleep with us! The others slept in our room, in their cribs, but our youngest son nursed all night long! It was the only way for any of us to get sleep! My husband has never wanted to co-sleep, so we didn’t with the other three…never, say never! Even though it wasn’t what he wanted he knew that I needed to be able to sleep! It didn’t last forever. Our 2 year old is in his own bed, in his own room and sleeps through the night!

My husband and I have a great relationship because we make a point to! We make time to talk every day and not just about the kids! You can have a great relationship and care for your children. It doesn’t have to be a one or the other choice! To think that your marriage is going to remain the same after having children is foolish! We all change and grow and when you add another person into it their needs to be taken into consideration as well! You can’t have children and expect to be able to go and do the things you did when it was just the two of you…well, you can, but that means leaving the baby all the time…so they are getting the short end of the stick. Please, don’t think that kids don’t remember being dumped all the time so the parents can go have fun with out them!

I grew up with a dad that felt when he came home from work the kids should go to their rooms so he could spend time with my mom. While I understand the need of a husband and wife to spend time together, shoving a kid out of the picture doesn’t work!

Well, this mom doesn’t have a mom anymore to point anything out and I tend to do the opposite of what she did:shrug:

 

[styrgwillidar]

This makes complete sense…but what happens when the dad supports his wife and child to the fullest and nothing is ever returned? Even if he does it with the best of intentions and never EXPECTS anything in return, other than a happy wife and child…it still hurts and resentment will soon follow if there is never any reciprocation.

She bails on the marriage and the kids when they are in their early teens, moves in with an old flame, comes by and visits the kids once or twice during the week.

Good news is you become far closer to your kids. But even though they are in their teens, because of the insecurity, they’ll want to come and sleep in your bed with you occasionally. I don’t think it’s a problem, it does provide them some sense of security, stability and allow them to be ‘kids’ again.

 

[EvelynEVF]

I had a friend who felt a need to bribe her 4 year old with a kitten in order to “convince” the child it was time to give up breastfeeding. . . . Her husband thought this was fine, so the rest of us figured she could manage her child and her breasts whatever way she wanted.

That’s exactly right! Plus, I think we all know that trying to take a favorite anything away from a 4 year old is serious business. The nursing relationship is very much a two-way street. It’s quite common to have a weaning party or some kind of treat or gift to mark the occasion. This opportunity did not occur to my children, or we would have.

 

[joshkt79]

Do you really think that getting through the first, few months of a child’s life, would cause a husband to leave his family? I don’t. I think if a man does that he so selfish that he shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place!

If the OP didn’t want “outside interference” then he shouldn’t have asked the question

I agree that a baby doesn’t have to have Mom every moment of every day. My point was that a father should not be jealous of his children! Do some women ignore their husbands, yes, they do. But I’ve also seen parents who put their children on the back burner and only focus on themselves!! There has to be a happy medium! But I do think that since the care of young children does tend to fall on mom 99% of the time, that what works best for her should be held a little higher than dad! We have only had one child sleep with us! The others slept in our room, in their cribs, but our youngest son nursed all night long! It was the only way for any of us to get sleep! My husband has never wanted to co-sleep, so we didn’t with the other three…never, say never! Even though it wasn’t what he wanted he knew that I needed to be able to sleep! It didn’t last forever. Our 2 year old is in his own bed, in his own room and sleeps through the night!

My husband and I have a great relationship because we make a point to! We make time to talk every day and not just about the kids! You can have a great relationship and care for your children. It doesn’t have to be a one or the other choice! To think that your marriage is going to remain the same after having children is foolish! We all change and grow and when you add another person into it their needs to be taken into consideration as well! You can’t have children and expect to be able to go and do the things you did when it was just the two of you…well, you can, but that means leaving the baby all the time…so they are getting the short end of the stick. Please, don’t think that kids don’t remember being dumped all the time so the parents can go have fun with out them!

I grew up with a dad that felt when he came home from work the kids should go to their rooms so he could spend time with my mom. While I understand the need of a husband and wife to spend time together, shoving a kid out of the picture doesn’t work!

Well, this mom doesn’t have a mom anymore to point anything out and I tend to do the opposite of what she did:shrug:

If you would have actually read what I initially posted, you would have seen this:

“I am a firm believer that the marital bedroom is for husband and wife only, and that children should not be in there except when ill, injured, bad weather, nightmares, and when they are newborns. My wife disagrees with me and wants to share the bed with our children. I told her if that happens, I’m sleeping on the couch.”

I have no problem giving my kids what they need. If my little one comes in the room while my wife and I are about to get intimate or plan to get intimate and says “Daddy, I’m scared”. I pick up my child and place them in bed with us. I never push my children away.

I’m not saying that a husband should “come first” in a marriage. I honestly don’t mind my wife putting my child’s needs ahead of mine, but like I said, if my child isn’t sick, scared, or newborn, I’d rather not have them in my bed. I did take the whole, “sleeping on the couch” out of context.

As a young child, I was never allowed in my parents bedroom, let alone their bed. I remember my mom being a SAHM and my dad worked all day. When he would come home, he would spend time with the family, eat, bathe, and the children needed to be in bed before 8pm. After 8pm was their time.

 

[happymommy]

If you would have actually read what I initially posted, you would have seen this:

“I am a firm believer that the marital bedroom is for husband and wife only, and that children should not be in there except when ill, injured, bad weather, nightmares, and when they are newborns. My wife disagrees with me and wants to share the bed with our children. I told her if that happens, I’m sleeping on the couch.”

I have no problem giving my kids what they need. If my little one comes in the room while my wife and I are about to get intimate or plan to get intimate and says “Daddy, I’m scared”. I pick up my child and place them in bed with us. I never push my children away.

I’m not saying that a husband should “come first” in a marriage. I honestly don’t mind my wife putting my child’s needs ahead of mine, but like I said, if my child isn’t sick, scared, or newborn, I’d rather not have them in my bed. I did take the whole, “sleeping on the couch” out of context.

As a young child, I was never allowed in my parents bedroom, let alone their bed. I remember my mom being a SAHM and my dad worked all day. When he would come home, he would spend time with the family, eat, bathe, and the children needed to be in bed before 8pm. After 8pm was their time.

I did read your post. My reply was to someone else.

I think you need to have a talk with your wife. Not just say, I’m sleeping on the couch. Tell her why you don’t want the kids in your bed, if not ill etc. Then listen to her reasons for wanting them there. Listen to each other and then try to find a middle ground!

 

[Jennifer_J]

This is also from Dr. McKenna’s web site, however, a message from the good doctor himself:

I firmly maintain that informed parents and not external authorities (medical or otherwise) are (and should be) in the best position to know exactly in what ways and why various forms of cosleeping will or will not work (and be safe) for them. This civil right belongs to parents, that is, the right to be in charge of their own infant or child care decisions and it needs to be protected as it is crucial both for our democracy and to promote confident, healthy and happy families.

OP, you owe it to yourself, not to mention your wife, to do some research on this topic. Then resolve to work it out peacefully between the two of you, conceding to each other and putting the demands of love first. After all, as Steven Covey likes to say, the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.

Certainly. No one has ever said to ignore what is best for the family. Some people shouldn’t co sleep for a variety of reasons. That’s why Dr M goes to great lengths to say even sleeping in the same room provides protection for the infant. However, some would like to paint those who choose to parent differently as doing something harmful to marriage and to children. This is not the case. You can find extremes on both sides.

 

[Lacour]

Forgive me for my negative and jaded posts…it is just how I am feeling lately and this website is my only outlet for my true feelings. I cover them up everywhere else, as I am sure many unhappy dads do. We are not supposed to struggle with things like this…which makes our wives unhappy…which makes us worse…what a vicious cycle.

Perhaps the OP is the same? Perhaps he isn’t…but the rainbow and puppy dog crowd needs to see the other side sometimes. If for no other reason than a warning for how your husband may start to feel if you stop doing such a good and perfect job.

Let me reassure you, it is not all rainbows and puppy dogs all the time! My husband and I have had some very difficult times in particular times where he felt ignored (more because of my job than the kids, but the principle is the same. But we talked and talked and talked until we found solutions that worked for both of us. It wasn’t always easy and sometimes I didn’t want to do it, but there is something powerfully motivating about knowing you are stuck with each other “till death do you part”.

I’m sorry to hear you are going through one of those patches and I hope it can be some small comfort that it is possible to go from times like that to rainbows nad puppy dogs.

 

[EasterJoy]

Do you really think that getting through the first, few months of a child’s life, would cause a husband to leave his family? I don’t. I think if a man does that he so selfish that he shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place!

If the OP didn’t want “outside interference” then he shouldn’t have asked the question

I agree that a baby doesn’t have to have Mom every moment of every day. My point was that a father should not be jealous of his children! Do some women ignore their husbands, yes, they do. But I’ve also seen parents who put their children on the back burner and only focus on themselves!! There has to be a happy medium! But I do think that since the care of young children does tend to fall on mom 99% of the time, that what works best for her should be held a little higher than dad! We have only had one child sleep with us! The others slept in our room, in their cribs, but our youngest son nursed all night long! It was the only way for any of us to get sleep! My husband has never wanted to co-sleep, so we didn’t with the other three…never, say never! Even though it wasn’t what he wanted he knew that I needed to be able to sleep! It didn’t last forever. Our 2 year old is in his own bed, in his own room and sleeps through the night!

My husband and I have a great relationship because we make a point to! We make time to talk every day and not just about the kids! You can have a great relationship and care for your children. It doesn’t have to be a one or the other choice! To think that your marriage is going to remain the same after having children is foolish! We all change and grow and when you add another person into it their needs to be taken into consideration as well! You can’t have children and expect to be able to go and do the things you did when it was just the two of you…well, you can, but that means leaving the baby all the time…so they are getting the short end of the stick. Please, don’t think that kids don’t remember being dumped all the time so the parents can go have fun with out them!

I grew up with a dad that felt when he came home from work the kids should go to their rooms so he could spend time with my mom. While I understand the need of a husband and wife to spend time together, shoving a kid out of the picture doesn’t work!

Well, this mom doesn’t have a mom anymore to point anything out and I tend to do the opposite of what she did:shrug:

Why all the explanation points?

I’m not saying that the OP is jealous of his children. Why would he be jealous of someone who is making none of these decisions? It isn’t the child who is insisting on being in the parental bed. Rather, the couple is each taking a “my way or the highway” stance that will do that child no good no matter how it comes out. There is no good that will come from either parent making ultimatuums or citing outside experts in order to make themselves into the lone authority on a question as basic as “who gets to be in our bed and when.” That is a joint decision, if ever there was one.

No, I’m saying that if the wife and mother decides that she and she alone will be the lone arbiter of who needs what at her house–what the children need, what her husband needs, what she needs, you name it–that is bad for everybody. Yet that is what some of us women think that the travails of pregnancy and “24/7” responsibility entitle us to. That is as wrong-headed as the model where Dad dictates everything because he’s the “head of the house” or because he’s bringing home all the money that keeps the family from living on the street with nothing. That is not the way Christian authority works.

I have had more than one husband tell me that his wife was a great mom, but that she was a better mother than she was a wife. I think that is a sign of having gone too far, somewhere. I believe that the marital relationship is foundational to the parenting relationship. We may carry the babies, but we don’t have a right to be the undisputed decision-makers on all things parental. That is going too far.

Again, making this a joint decision doesn’t automatically preclude co-sleeping, not even in the OPs case. Not at all! I’m also not arguing for a marital model where both parties have a veto and that’s it. That’s almost reducing love to politics. I’m saying that the question of co-sleeping ought to be a fully joint decision, just like other parenting and marital decisions, from what neighborhood we’re going to live in to what individual career fits the needs of our family to what kind of food we’ll eat, what kind of clothing we will wear, and what kind of media will be allowed in our homes. The co-sleeping thing is just the start of many, many decisions that are coming. Better to get down to the work of listening, compromising, and accomodating each other, right from the start. IMHO, how parents go about making and living those decisions will have a far greater impact on their children than most of the actual decisions themselves will.

 

[28562]

Do you really think that getting through the first, few months of a child’s life, would cause a husband to leave his family? I don’t. I think if a man does that he so selfish that he shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place!

Do you really think when a responsible husband makes ultimatums like the OP that it is really just about the first few months of the child’s life?

I don’t.

 

[happymommy]

Why all the explanation points?

I’m not saying that the OP is jealous of his children. Why would he be jealous of someone who is making none of these decisions? It isn’t the child who is insisting on being in the parental bed. Rather, the couple is each taking a “my way or the highway” stance that will do that child no good no matter how it comes out. There is no good that will come from either parent making ultimatuums or citing outside experts in order to make themselves into the lone authority on a question as basic as “who gets to be in our bed and when.” That is a joint decision, if ever there was one.

No, I’m saying that if the wife and mother decides that she and she alone will be the lone arbiter of who needs what at her house–what the children need, what her husband needs, what she needs, you name it–that is bad for everybody. Yet that is what some of us women think that the travails of pregnancy and “24/7” responsibility entitle us to. That is as wrong-headed as the model where Dad dictates everything because he’s the “head of the house” or because he’s bringing home all the money that keeps the family from living on the street with nothing. That is not the way Christian authority works.

I have had more than one husband tell me that his wife was a great mom, but that she was a better mother than she was a wife. I think that is a sign of having gone too far, somewhere. I believe that the marital relationship is foundational to the parenting relationship. We may carry the babies, but we don’t have a right to be the undisputed decision-makers on all things parental. That is going too far.

Again, making this a joint decision doesn’t automatically preclude co-sleeping, not even in the OPs case. Not at all! I’m also not arguing for a marital model where both parties have a veto and that’s it. That’s almost reducing love to politics. I’m saying that the question of co-sleeping ought to be a fully joint decision, just like other parenting and marital decisions, from what neighborhood we’re going to live in to what individual career fits the needs of our family to what kind of food we’ll eat, what kind of clothing we will wear, and what kind of media will be allowed in our homes. The co-sleeping thing is just the start of many, many decisions that are coming. Better to get down to the work of listening, compromising, and accomodating each other, right from the start. IMHO, how parents go about making and living those decisions will have a far greater impact on their children than most of the actual decisions themselves will.

I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize I used all those explanation points. Does look like I’m yelling…I’m not.

Some men do become jealous of thier children because they think they get too much time with the mom…not saying that that is what they OP is doing.

I agree, they should be communicating these things now, but to do it knowing that when the time comes that if it’s not working they can try something else. Where you get into trouble is saying “this is how it’s going to be done” and then when it doesn’t work you aren’t willing to even think about trying something else! Like with our kids. The youngest one, for whatever reason, needed to be with me at night. Even though we had decided many years before to not co-sleep, it was what was needed at that time for our family. It’s always good to get other opinions, but at the end of the day the couple needs to be talking to each other about it!

 

[happymommy]

Do you really think when a responsible husband makes ultimatums like the OP that it is really just about the first few months of the child’s life?

I don’t.

I think there are some men that would feel like this about a little baby. Do I think the OP is like that? From what I have read, no. I think he needs to talk to his wife.

But I also don’t think a responsible husband would make ultimatums.

 

[joshkt79]

Why all the explanation points?

I’m not saying that the OP is jealous of his children. Why would he be jealous of someone who is making none of these decisions? It isn’t the child who is insisting on being in the parental bed. Rather, the couple is each taking a “my way or the highway” stance that will do that child no good no matter how it comes out. There is no good that will come from either parent making ultimatuums or citing outside experts in order to make themselves into the lone authority on a question as basic as “who gets to be in our bed and when.” That is a joint decision, if ever there was one.

No, I’m saying that if the wife and mother decides that she and she alone will be the lone arbiter of who needs what at her house–what the children need, what her husband needs, what she needs, you name it–that is bad for everybody. Yet that is what some of us women think that the travails of pregnancy and “24/7” responsibility entitle us to. That is as wrong-headed as the model where Dad dictates everything because he’s the “head of the house” or because he’s bringing home all the money that keeps the family from living on the street with nothing. That is not the way Christian authority works.

I have had more than one husband tell me that his wife was a great mom, but that she was a better mother than she was a wife. I think that is a sign of having gone too far, somewhere. I believe that the marital relationship is foundational to the parenting relationship. We may carry the babies, but we don’t have a right to be the undisputed decision-makers on all things parental. That is going too far.

Again, making this a joint decision doesn’t automatically preclude co-sleeping, not even in the OPs case. Not at all! I’m also not arguing for a marital model where both parties have a veto and that’s it. That’s almost reducing love to politics. I’m saying that the question of co-sleeping ought to be a fully joint decision, just like other parenting and marital decisions, from what neighborhood we’re going to live in to what individual career fits the needs of our family to what kind of food we’ll eat, what kind of clothing we will wear, and what kind of media will be allowed in our homes. The co-sleeping thing is just the start of many, many decisions that are coming. Better to get down to the work of listening, compromising, and accomodating each other, right from the start. IMHO, how parents go about making and living those decisions will have a far greater impact on their children than most of the actual decisions themselves will.

I agree!

 

[EvelynEVF]

Most dads I know really want to be there for their wives and support them appropriately and just don’t know how to do it. Or they try really hard but miss the mark and the wife doesn’t “hear” it. And then they get louder and the wife feels dominated or pushed around.

My sister and her husband went to pre-conception classes through a birth center, and I couldn’t help but think what an excellent investment that would be for everyone! We all know how important good preCana is. Childbirth ed mostly ends when the baby is born, and followup is generally going to be related to feeding, and only then if there is a problem. La Leche League does have a series meeting on working the new member into the family and all the adjustments that get made. It would be great if the Church could pick up the topic, too.

I wonder how many people make assumptions about how things will go with a baby, and then reality turns it all on its head. I never imagined cosleeping or extended nursing, because the only irl family I knew who did “that” seemed a little kooky.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I wonder how many people make assumptions about how things will go with a baby, and then reality turns it all on its head. I never imagined cosleeping or extended nursing, because the only irl family I knew who did “that” seemed a little kooky.

Exactly. Reality definitely plays a hand. My wife and I thought we’d have our first in our room in a crib/bassinette. My wife couldn’t sleep at all… every time the baby made the slightest noise my wife had to check on her. Had to mave the baby into a separate room and use a monitor to keep my wife from being a wreck due to sleep deprivation. We would take turns going to get the baby when she needed to be fed.

Our second was collicy (sp?) and would cry for hours. I don’t know how I could have handled that as a single parent. We had to tag team to keep our sanity and for each of us to get any sleep.

Every couple has to work these things out for themselves, try and put preconception aside and do what’s best for their given situation.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree!

Paradoxically, you will find that it is your devotion as a father that can in many ways make you the most attractive husband to your wife, because it shows your esteem for what is otherwise “her job”. When you directly put your hand to taking care of the children–not just the “support” work, but when you make the things that demand attention in real time a matter of “our work”–then you will have more traction when you go about making both parental and marriage decisions with her.

The same goes with giving in on things like who she does and doesn’t want helping you to do the heavy work of moving your belongings to your new house. When she knows you are willing to advocate for what you want, but then without manipulation or pressure are also willing to decide freely to do things her way, that is a very powerful statement of love and affection for many women.

It can be very hard to work out marriage and parenting without it ending up a power struggle or a monarchy over the vanquished and resigned…resigned until middle-age, that is. It is very much worth working patiently through these conflicts, though. Staying faithfully with that task, through both difficulty and occasional failure, is the place from which the great (rather than merely durable) lifelong marriages grow.

It may sound like I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth, because to some extent I am…that is, I don’t think you can look at this as “why doesn’t she have to do what I have to do?” The way you look at compromise and the way she does will look different, because the best results come when you both feel willing to go far more than half way. That starts with being willing to go far more than half way on the days when you feel as if you are the only one willing to go anywhere at all! So while you advocate for her enjoying the best motherhood by also giving and taking the best as wife, too, remember that being the best husband will very often mean putting fatherhood first, for the sake of your wife. It is a dance, and a balance, and very much a live show with many surprises, and no mail-in ahead answers.