Does any other married woman have this problem?

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restless_flame

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I have seen some other questions regarding differing sex drives between men and women but they were not quite my problem.
I am not very interested in sex and have never climaxed in the 10 years my husband and I have been married. I have checked for physical causes but there don’t seem to be any. We are getting marriage counseling from a Catholic therapist and are working on this issue but so far not much has changed.
I love the message of the Theology of the Body and have attended many talks by Chris West but I can’t relate to the idea that marital relations can bring you to the “heights of heaven”. I’m too embarrassed to talk to my Catholic friends about this( who are fans of Theology of the Body) and who have occassionally commented on their satisfying intimate life.
This is very distressing for me because I don’t want our marriage to be like this (where sex is almost a burden for me) but I’m not holding out a lot of hope for change at this point. My husband has been understanding but I know he is unhappy about our lack of frequancy and sometimes feel rejected by my lack of interest. Sometimes I feel resentful toward him because he at least gets some pleasure out of sex.I feel as though I am missing out on something wonderful that God has designed for marriage.
Should I just look at this as my cross to bear? Does God will this for me (and our marriage)? I just don’t know. Please pray for me and this situation if you get a chance.
Thanks!
 
Although I haven’t experienced your problem before, I DO applaud you for having the guts to talk about it and to go to a Catholic therapist for help. Seeking help is the first and best step in overcoming a problem.

I will pray that God will help you to overcome this problem. Best of luck to you.

Karen
 
Dear Restless Flame,

I’m not a marriage therapist, just a wife, but have a special marraige, rich in love and laughter, joy and appreciation. Hope these suggestions help you. They seem to work well for us:

Your intimate union begins outside of, and is not limited to, the bedroom. Spend time just looking into each others eyes. No words or touching just gaze at, and ponder the wonder of your union, life and love with and for each other. Hold hands, especially in public but also in the car or sitting on the couch watching television. Verbalize that you love each other and reinforce your appreciation for good personality traits and things about each other that you admire.

Your in my heart and prayers
 
restless flame,
I had this problem myself and my husband and I have overcome it together. I know firsthand what a burden intimacy can be when you hardly feel a thing. Please private message me if you want to, I can offer concrete advice.
 
this website is not catholic, but it is christian and it helped me learn a lot themarriagebed.com/
don’t forget to ask Jesus to help you with this. you might think this is to wierd to pray about, but it isn’t
 
There’s nothing wrong with praying for a more satisfying sex life! Hopefully you’re doing that already. --KCT
 
You didn’t say so I’ll ask: Have you talked to your doctor about this? How old were you when you married? As we get older (past 35) we might have a problem with this for hormonal reasons and it may be that that is your problem too, even if you are young.
 
In addition to the spiritual and psychologically oriented advice others have given, have you tried experimenting with foreplay and other physical acts besides simple intercourse? Oral and manual stimulation is perfectly acceptable so long as it is part of the marital act and not the end in itself.

It seems that many times people get stuck in the idea that pure, basic intercourse should be all there is to sex, and unfortunately that does NOT often lead to climax in most women. Have you tried these other activities?
 
Thanks for all of your replies and most of all your prayers.
To answer to many of your questions,yes my husband and I have tried many different things- forplay, different positions, oral and manual stimulation etc. And yes, I take it to prayer privately and we pray about it as a couple frequently although I am frustrated that not much has changed. I have had my hormone levels checked and nothing seems out of wack there, although I am going to start charting using the Creighton model of NFP which is more sensitive to hormonal changes than blood tests.
Thanks again for your support and prayers!
God Bless!
 
it is not about sex or what happens in the bedroom. assuming physical causes have been ruled out, including thyroid which may test borderline but actually is low, PCOD etc, and also assuming by now counselling has uncovered any bad experience from childhood, abuse etc. it is time to look at your relationship, how it originated, how intimacy develop.

The problem may not be sex per se, but intimacy. don’t want to speculate or ask questions about your personal situation, but women in my generation, the 60s, womens lib, sex lib generation are now finding in our post-childrearing years that we often feel a lack of desire for sex, and moreover feel as if we have been used for years. For many of us this feeling is rooted in premarital sex and prolonged use of birth control, or sterilization, which had the effect of objectifying sex in our marriages. The end result is a lot of anger, resentment, and lack of desire which is the result of a failure to build true intimacy because sex replaced intimacy of thought, dreams, ideals etc.

counselling by all means should be continued, and try to work on identifying issues that are barriers to intimacy - control, authority, disagreements about fundamental values and priorities. I remember Ann Landers had a poll several years ago that said a large majority of married women could cheerfully give up sex forever, and wondering how on earth they could feel that way. Well, I am older now, and now I know.
 
I not big on trying new things in bed, i.e new positions and unneeded foreplay. I just don’t like the idea of wives barking out orders to their husbands.

As someone mentioned how are things outside the bedroom? Really odd but all those stressers outside the bedroom are the biggest problem. Sometimes when I retire, I can’t think about being close to my husand because there are dirty dishes in the sink. If I’m too exhausted to do the dishes, what makes me think I have energy to make love? :lol

Really otherwise little things can help, sometimes when we go to bed we filll ourselves with thoughts about what will happen the next day and all the things we have to do. Or try to shut off the tv earlier, we find ourselves watching tv to the point of dozing off in front of it. If you go to bed at 10pm, have it off by 8pm, not 9:45. I joke that most important key to a good love life, is not having cable! If the house is clean, and everything is set up for the next day with no outside noise (tv) it is easier to retire to bed in a better mood in general.
 
It also doesn’t help that catholic teaching says that female sexuality doesn’t (or shouldn’t) exist. Consequently many women told this stuff never work out what pleases them and what they are comfortable with etc. Worse still is the unrealistic idea that sex should be completely free of desire. An almost ceremonial, impersonal, pure thing, done soley to glorify god and make children. Who on earth is thinking about our creator or having children while in the bedroom?..
 
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cynic:
It also doesn’t help that catholic teaching says that female sexuality doesn’t (or shouldn’t) exist.
Huh? Where are getting this from? Sorry but I’m going to call you on this post. Try reading “Theology of the Body”. Or if you get a chance see a presentation of Natural Family Planning from a certified instructor.
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It also doesn’t help that catholic teaching says that female sexuality doesn’t (or shouldn’t) exist. Consequently many women told this stuff never work out what pleases them nad what they are comfortable with etc. Worse still is the unrealistic idea that sex should be completely free of desire, and almost ceremonial, impersonal, pure thing done to soley to glorify god and make children. Who on earth is thinking about our creator or having children while in the bedroom…
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What Catholic Church are YOU talking about? I’m a member of the one in which a certain Archbishop of Kracow gave pointers on how men should please their wives in the event that the men climax first. I’m a member of the Church that used to teach (due to poor science) that the female climax was integral to conception. This is the same Catholic Church that taught that men were the ones legally obligated to have sexual relations with their wives, and needed their wives’ permission in order to leave for long periods of time, such as on a Crusade.

Please read Theology of the Body, because what you describe is NOT the Catholic position, nor has it ever been; we’ve often been attacked by more puritanical Christians for being TOO free and open about sexuality within marriage.
 
Ghostly, I like to assume all posts are made with the best of intentions, but correct me please “cynic” if you are just trying to get us all riled up or you have genuine concerns?

Anyways people do fear married sex, because they were taught like I was growing up that sex is about taking control and having the freedom to screw whoever you want whenever you want. Not to care about who you doing it with, but as long as you were doing it. As long as you are getting some, everything is find. People used sex to manipulate all their single life, that once they find someone to actually love they find themselves unable to do something so they consider “dirty”.

Actually I would classify it as a ceremonial act. It is not something I just do to get off on, sex serves a purpose beyond ourselves. Sexuality is our form of communcation to show love.
 
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cynic:
It also doesn’t help that catholic teaching says that female sexuality doesn’t (or shouldn’t) exist. Consequently many women told this stuff never work out what pleases them and what they are comfortable with etc. Worse still is the unrealistic idea that sex should be completely free of desire. An almost ceremonial, impersonal, pure thing, done soley to glorify god and make children. Who on earth is thinking about our creator or having children while in the bedroom?..
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Umm, forgive me for this, but WHAT in the WORLD are you talking about?? Brush up thy Catholic teaching on sexuality, my friend! Have you read anything written by the late pope John Paul II? Have you read his Theology of the Body? Have you read the Catechism of the Catholic Church???

Here’s one person on earth who can’t help BUT think about our Creator, & having children while in the bedroom–it’s that beautiful & amazing, in addition to renewing my Sacramental “I do.”
 
Not to defend cynic, but trying to understand where he is coming from. Like I mentioned previously how I was taught, is that sex sells everything. And if you want public attention you some how shock people with some act, if your horny it’s ok because you have a condom. To many people sex is merely eye candy, no more they treating ourself to a candy bar. It serves nothing else, but oneself.

I remember a guy trying to get me in bed, by convincing me that the Church represses my sexuality and it is natural to have sex. Of cource with him that evening. The only natural thing going on was being repulsed. It was like my ovaries were a sixth sense, saying “ugh, bad match”. Some men will say anything to get laid.

The Church doesn’t hate sex, it basically teaches it is something that can’t be bought. But if I was trying to sell you sex, the last thing I would start talking about is how it actually serves a purpose other they getting one’s freak on. “Oh don’t listen to those Catholic ninnies… (insert misrepresnation here).” Usually those people either want my body or my money.
 
The gist of what I get from these forums is that husband and wife should be doing it as a token gesture of union, not for desire - even if those desires are based on intimacy not lust. When all forms of pleasure are desribed as ‘selfish’ it’s no wonder couples and especially women, who have a lower sex drive, are left feeling indifferent to that side of the marriage. It becomes a man thing cause us blokes just can’t control ourselves right? Women are left needing to do mental gymnastics just to be attracted to their husbands. Not surprising. And no the worlds view of sex doesn’t help, but neither does ultra purist “everthing is bad if it isn’t about worship” statements. Sex is not a form of worship of god. It is allowed by god, but not totally about god, rather about the other person. I personally don’t trust a 78 year old celibate man to ‘know’ exactly what couples should be feeling the moments they are making love.

(And no I’m not advocating experimentation before marriage or any of that stuff)

I can imagine what the book says, sex is a pure, cerebral, non desiring thing - god glorifies our bodies for procreation etc. None of that solves the problem of non existent attraction, or even acknowledges that attraction has anything to do with it.

It also doesn’t help when your told that you should love your spouse out of duty, obligation, as a mimicry of how christ loves the church. Love becomes a moral value, indiscriminatory (love everyone the same etc), not a personal thing, not particular to that person. As long as you make the ‘decision’ to love then that person could be anyone if they are from the same denomination and have similiar goals for the marriage. You make an impersonal, rational decision to have children and pick an appropriate person for this task. You then ‘decide’ to love them. Anything more is an idolatry of another.

Maybe i’m way off track but none of this sounds very romantic.
 
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renee1258:
Not to defend cynic, but trying to understand where he is coming from. Like I mentioned previously how I was taught, is that sex sells everything. And if you want public attention you somehow shock people with some act, if your honry it’s ok because you have a condom. To many people sex is merely eye candy, no more they treating ourself to a candy bar. It serves nothing else, but oneself.

The Church doesn’t hate sex, it basically teaches it is something that can’t be bought. But if I was trying to sell you sex, the last thing I would start talking about is how it actually serves a purpose other they getting one’s freak on. “Oh don’t listen to those Catholic ninny’s… (insert misrepresnation here).”
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Good point. Guess I just assumed that for someone to make such assertions on a Catholic forum, they might be ready to take a little heat.
 
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