Does anyone else feel like this?

[anon98328916]

I have always been close with my niece’s and nephews since they were born and I would do anything for them. The eldest is now in their late teens and seems to have changed in personality. My niece Being borderline atheist had fun last week when they saw a divine mercy novena I keep in my bag, between mocking quotes from the novena to laughing as to why I have it! Not to mention the younger kids sitting listening and laughing which is a shame. I feel really hurt and annoyed by this and other thing to the point where I was crying earlier and feel really down, I really feel it will get worse when they all get older…I can picture the future now when I call to visit they will say…“Here comes aunty! What does she want! And scoff about me before I come in” What did I ever do on them but love them and be there for them!? I feel like I’m going to have to put up with ignorance and people having no respect for me my whole life! I’m really quite sick of it to be honest…things will never change, I don’t say anything because I don’t want to cause any arguments or disagreements. I understand that is an impressionable age but all I wanted was to be close to them and they could feel they can turn to me in life’s problems. Please your opinion is much appreciated.

 

[EasterJoy]

It is not personal, so much as it is worldly people feeling their shame prompting them to ridicule heavenly things. If they did not ridicule you, after all, they might have to answer their consciences asking them why they have abandoned the faith they learned in the cradle. That is beyond what you can know of what is in their hearts, though. It is the behavior that needs to be nipped in the bud, so to speak.

I think you need to be the adult and say, as you would to another adult relative: You have abandoned the faith, I cannot stop you from doing that, but we are still blood relatives. If you want me to respect whatever new ideas you go running after, we need to have an understanding, so we can still have family gatherings that are at least civil. I will not ridicule you, but I won’t tolerate having you ridicule me. It is immature, it is mean-spirited, and it does not become you. Cut it out."

Or, you can just say: “When did you start talking to your aunt that way? This ridicule has to stop. It is immature, it is mean-spirited, and it is beneath you. I expect a member of our family to be better than that, whether they are religious or not, so you’re going to have to do better than that around me. Either show respect or keep your mouth closed, as a person with class would do. Otherwise, you are just embarrassing yourselves.” Yes, that means that at some point when they do not cut it out, you have to say: “I won’t be treated like this. No one should. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.” And then you leave, and they can think about how they’ve acted. They’ll either get it or they won’t, but they’ll know you expect them to hold themselves to the standards of behavior your family stands for.

Do not be willing to feel walked on because you don’t want to start an argument. The argument is there, thrown in your face. You’re not turning the other cheek. You’re laying down and being a doormat. To turn the other cheek is the third way, neither fighting nor fleeing from a fight, but sticking around and peacefully speaking on behalf of the truth.

So why not preach to them on how wrong they are? You could do that, but pay attention to where it goes and do not throw pearls before swine. You don’t want to make yourself into a near occasion of sin.

By the way, a habit of mocking others is one of the greatest predictors of divorce. Any young person who does that ought to be brought up short and told it is not acceptable. There are ways to make legitimate complaints, but that is never one of them.

 

[Demetra2]

I think you should have firmly but kindly reminded your dear niece that you are her elder and her aunt and that her behavior was unkind and more importantly disrespectful. Your religious belief is an important part of who you are and one of the reasons you are a good and decent person and aunt. Make it clear that religion and Christ is very important to you and you will not tolerate making fun of God and your belief in Him! They are quite rude to even try that behavior. Just make it crystal clear that you will not tolerate rude behavior that mocks your very important belief in God. If you have respect for yourself and God then they will get in line and realize that there is something important there to respect. When you niece is older and wiser and in more need of God she will remember your stand and respect you for it. For the time being you will have to draw a line in the sand that no one crosses. This will be a powerful witness for Christ without having to say too much. Actions speak louder than words!

 

[pianistclare]

There’s a new documentary about the Divine Mercy image coming out with scholars and even folks like Jim Gaffigan and Harry Connick Jr speaking on this incredible original image. If they can stop acting like brats long enough, you could take them to see it.
It would certainly change their worldview.
Kids can act really badly.
Gently correct, and keep praying for them. They are being catechized by the secular media and their friends who have no religious beliefs at all. This is the cross of all youth ministers today. It takes patience, strong re-direction, and immense love to steer these teens back on track. I would even go so far as to have a Mass said for this “Special Intention”.
I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s upsetting. But you are not alone. The Holy Spirit will work…we’ll just give it to Him to handle, with our prayers and actions to help.
Peace.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think you should have firmly but kindly reminded your dear niece that you are her elder and her aunt and that her behavior was unkind and more importantly disrespectful. Your religious belief is an important part of who you are and one of the reasons you are a good and decent person and aunt. Make it clear that religion and Christ is very important to you and you will not tolerate making fun of God and your belief in Him! They are quite rude to even try that behavior. Just make it crystal clear that you will not tolerate rude behavior that mocks your very important belief in God. If you have respect for yourself and God then they will get in line and realize that there is something important there to respect. When you niece is older and wiser and in more need of God she will remember your stand and respect you for it. For the time being you will have to draw a line in the sand that no one crosses. This will be a powerful witness for Christ without having to say too much. Actions speak louder than words!

It is important to be kind and low-key about it, yes, even if that takes a lot of practice in the mirror beforehand.

Having been there, I would not tell them how important my faith is to me. They are not ignorant of that. I would tell them that regardless of what they think of what I believe, a) I won’t be treated like that and besides b) they are decent people and it is beneath them to mock others for something that does them no harm and c) they may think they are right and I am wrong but no one ever made a convert to their way of thinking by acting like a jerk.

Consider their possible motives. If they are trying to get a rise out of her, the behavior will be extinguished the most quickly if they see they can’t get one any more. If they are trying to show how smart they are, they will probably not want to face how immature they are acting. If they have a low opinion of her, they will be ashamed that she likes them, anyway, even if she can’t help but think they are acting less mature than their age at the moment. If they are a bit cruel in what amuses them, it is vital that they do not see any blood in the water but a complete strike-out on inflicting distress.

The OP needs to make it clear she isn’t going to be the victim, but is going to speak up and gently insist that they cut it out. If they keep it up, wave them off and tell them you’re ignoring them until they start acting like grown-ups who weren’t raised in the wild.

 

[Trident_H]

You know what? I’d just roll my eyes at them and laugh.

I’d tell them that since I was probably more likely to get into heaven before any of them they’d better be really nice to me. Because otherwise I’ll tell on them.

Then I’d make them a deal. If they promise not to bug me about religion I’d promise not to tell all their future girlfriends/boyfriends about that time when they were 5.

Fight fire with fire. Don’t go down crying. Don’t let the silly teenage minds outwit your more experienced one. You’re more than a match for them.

Because the chink in any teenager’s armor is embarrassment. And who can potentially embarrass more than an aunt who was there during their formative years?

So you’ve got the real power here. Just remember to apply it happily. Don’t be a grouch or take them seriously for a minute.

Peace Therese.

-Trident

 

[CB_Catholic]

I think you should have firmly but kindly reminded your dear niece that you are her elder and her aunt and that her behavior was unkind and more importantly disrespectful. Your religious belief is an important part of who you are and one of the reasons you are a good and decent person and aunt. Make it clear that religion and Christ is very important to you and you will not tolerate making fun of God and your belief in Him! They are quite rude to even try that behavior. Just make it crystal clear that you will not tolerate rude behavior that mocks your very important belief in God. If you have respect for yourself and God then they will get in line and realize that there is something important there to respect. When you niece is older and wiser and in more need of God she will remember your stand and respect you for it. For the time being you will have to draw a line in the sand that no one crosses. This will be a powerful witness for Christ without having to say too much. Actions speak louder than words!

This. And I would speak with their parents about the rudeness. That is unacceptable. My niece tried something similar with my mother about the Catholic Church and got an earful about respect. She never mentioned it again.

 

[RPRPsych]

I think you should have firmly but kindly reminded your dear niece that you are her elder and her aunt and that her behavior was unkind and more importantly disrespectful. Your religious belief is an important part of who you are and one of the reasons you are a good and decent person and aunt. Make it clear that religion and Christ is very important to you and you will not tolerate making fun of God and your belief in Him! They are quite rude to even try that behavior. Just make it crystal clear that you will not tolerate rude behavior that mocks your very important belief in God. If you have respect for yourself and God then they will get in line and realize that there is something important there to respect. When you niece is older and wiser and in more need of God she will remember your stand and respect you for it. For the time being you will have to draw a line in the sand that no one crosses. This will be a powerful witness for Christ without having to say too much. Actions speak louder than words!

You need to set a limit on this sort of behaviour. That’s the first step.

 

[bitterhope]

You know what? I’d just roll my eyes at them and laugh.

I’d tell them that since I was probably more likely to get into heaven before any of them they’d better be really nice to me. Because otherwise I’ll tell on them.

Then I’d make them a deal. If they promise not to bug me about religion I’d promise not to tell all their future girlfriends/boyfriends about that time when they were 5.

Fight fire with fire. Don’t go down crying. Don’t let the silly teenage minds outwit your more experienced one. You’re more than a match for them.

Because the chink in any teenager’s armor is embarrassment. And who can potentially embarrass more than an aunt who was there during their formative years?

So you’ve got the real power here. Just remember to apply it happily. Don’t be a grouch or take them seriously for a minute.

Peace Therese.

-Trident

This is perfect. Exactly how we handle things in our family. Probably why we’ve got nobody estranged or anything like that. We all get along and love each other and playfully get on each other without taking offense when others get on us. We respect our differences and laugh about them. They are what makes us individuals and still part of a big group. Be an example of joyfully following the Lord and in time they may choose to follow. Show them you know how to laugh and play just like they do and that being religious doesn’t make you a grouchy, old, out of touch, no fun, stick in the mud that gets your feelings hurt too easily. That’s not appealing to others, especially teens, and is a sure way to make them stay away from religion for a good long time.

 

[sticknstring73]

It would seem that a cross between what Demetra2 and Trident H said would probably be fine.

But also I would remind you that this is all in God’s hands. When I was young my father would frequently tell me where he got his strength from and how he never felt alone, it was his belief in God. He was always referencing the Father. In the beginning I would listen politely but as I grew I got nastier and meaner and I fell deeper into sin throughout the years. I cant imagine what he was thinking all those years, I have to ask him.

But my Dad is tough and now you have to be tough. You have to keep being a positive example of a Christian, Love them, Pray for them , keep at them. Testify to your personal relationship with Jesus, show them the strength He has given you. This is your cross to bear, think of the way of the cross.

Now, I go to daily mass, say the rosary once a day. Now I have to suffer with my relations the way he had to suffer with me. My Dad won in the end, although at this point I can safely say both my Dad and myself would say that God won.

 

[Anglewannabe]

And I would speak with their parents about the rudeness.

I am in agreement with telling the parents. If the parents do nothing, then you are fighting a loosing battle and frankly, I would just tell them if that is how they are going to act, I won’t be coming around anymore and live with the possibility that may make them jump for joy.

First I want to say that if I was in your shoes, I would have been EXTREMELY hurt as well.

However, take it from another woman who never had kids. Of course we want to be the cool aunt/cool older person. We want to be that person in their life they can turn to. It is what makes for a good movie. I use to take my neighbours kids everywhere and they loved me to piece.

Sadly, I learnt the painful way, if you are not mom, you are NOT mom and you can’t change that. When these girls were 10 and dancing in my living room and jumping on my couch was allowed, I was the greatest. When they turned 13, and shop lifting did not happen with me all of a sudden they had no use for me. The worse part of being an adult is we are throw out like trash once the hormones kick in. And since we are not mom, we can not do a thing about it. And since we are the adult, we have to be the bigger person in the situation.

It hurts me too. But guess what, I can’t blame them one bit. I remember being 13 and thinking being around adults was icky. I use to love visits from my aunts. In high school, I use to secretly hope none of my friends saw them come in the house. I was always out with friends when I knew they would be coming.

Your nieces and nephews owe you respect. They don’t owe you the trust require for you to really be there for them.

Also, perspectives are different. What an adult considers ‘giving love’, is not always what a kid considers ‘receiving love’

Angie

 

[vsedriver]

I understand that is an impressionable age but all I wanted was to be close to them and they could feel they can turn to me in life’s problems. Please your opinion is much appreciated.

show them how to respect an adult. Tell them that they have been rude to you regardless of their beliefs.

Remember, we teach people how to treat us. Worry less about being close to them and more about their behavior as they grow into adulthood.

call their bluff

 

[Beryllos]

I’m jumping in late, and I’m sorry I did not read every reply.

In various ways, the Original Post describes teen behavior in these modern times. Rude, self-centered, know-it-all, and proud to be seen as an unbeliever.

Don’t worry. You have time and truth on your side. They will outgrow this phase, probably in their early to mid-20s. Until then, spend time with them. Be patient, always charitable, and never condescending. When they realize they do not have all the answers, when they see that the world does not revolve around them, and maybe when their false gods come crashing down around them, they may treat you with more respect, and (if you are lucky) they may want to talk with you about faith and love.

It will be a tremendous spiritual work of mercy if you are there for them when they are more receptive.
**Instructing, advising, consoling, comforting are spiritual works of mercy, as are forgiving and bearing wrongs patiently. **(from CCC 2447)
I’ll say a prayer for your niece, same as I pray for my 16-year-old daughter and all teens and young adults. May the Holy Spirit assist and guide them always toward faith, love, and virtue. I pray also for you, that you may get through these difficult times with strength and charity, and that you may be filled with peace, and me too.

 

[styrgwillidar]

You’re letting the opinions of teenagers bother you? Laugh at them, tell them you’ll value their opinion when they have actually experienced life, actually having something other than the prejudice of others influence to base their opinions on.

I trust you are not giving these kids anything? Providing them any favors etc.? I don’t care if they’re relatives or not-- if they treat you disrespectfully, than act accordingly. You don’t have to be mean or rude, but you owe very little to folks who treat you badly.

 

[EasterJoy]

You’re letting the opinions of teenagers bother you? Laugh at them, tell them you’ll value their opinion when they have actually experienced life, actually having something other than the prejudice of others influence to base their opinions on.

I trust you are not giving these kids anything? Providing them any favors etc.? I don’t care if they’re relatives or not-- if they treat you disrespectfully, than act accordingly. You don’t have to be mean or rude, but you owe very little to folks who treat you badly.

I agree with the need to keep things low-key and not to award cheap taunting with a reaction that gives the people taunting any feeling of power. Using humor to defuse a tense situation is certainly in the arsenal of those dealing with relatives. I do not blame anyone who refuses to shake off insult from someone who owes them respect with a laugh, though. Sometimes, you have to remind people you require respect in order to get it. *Should *you insist on it, though? I think I’d look at whether it would do them good to be reminded. I’d say that with nieces and nephews, the answer is “yes.”

You can do good even for enemies, so certainly you can choose to continue to do good for younger relatives who have forgotten their manners from time to time. I totally agree with you, however, that their taunts shouldn’t be taken personally. They are being foolish and rude, which makes their approval worth little. Withholding favors as a natural consequence is not vindictive, and could be instructive. It’s worth considering. Under no circumstances would I use favors as a way to get good treatment, however. That invites abuse, if anything.

 

[Sarcelle]

This. And I would speak with their parents about the rudeness. That is unacceptable. My niece tried something similar with my mother about the Catholic Church and got an earful about respect. She never mentioned it again.

This.

There is no excuse for mockery or rudeness. Differing opinions, yes but disrespect, no.

Teenagers should know better.