Does etiquette require that we invite people's live-in boyfriends/girlfriends to our wedding?

  • Thread starter Thread starter EnglishTeacher
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
My wife has been invited to weddings when I wasn’t. In each case it was people I’d never met and/or people we knew had tight budgets. I didn’t see it as a slight and wasn’t offended (the family member who wasn’t having budget problems and did the same thing is another matter). Something to consider, though, is that some people will bring their partner or a guest even if it’s specified that they’re the only one invited.
 
Yes, etiquette requires it. It would be safer not to invite the entire couple, as the one you do invite won’t come anyway. It’s easier to explain too–the guest list is too large.

If some of the co-habitating couples have clout within the family and you don’t invite both, there many be additional fallout. You know— your fiance’s-aunt becky and uncle fred may not come because you insulted their daughter-and almost son in law,and so on…and the whole famliy knows that aunt becky and uncle fred are always right–kwim?

And you know who gets blamed? The bride. Not a good way to make an impression on your new inlaws, even if it’s your fiance’s idea.
 
Rule?

Come on - whose rules? Those in the business of selling wedding etiquette books?

🙂

(now granted I am sure there are some reasonable “customs” one will wish to follow and such can be good)

My wife and did not even send invitations - we told our family and friends. And had them tell some of the others 🙂 It was though a small wedding.

People sat where they wanted…

Simplicity and joy.

WAY too much gets spent and complicated in modern weddings.

What one wants though to make sure to avoid is not “approving” of objectively immoral circumstances…in anything one does or the way one does it…(in a loving and prudent way living according to the truth). scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s1c1a8.htm#V (1868).
 
For our wedding, we didn’t invite all of our cousins to bring dates. They were invited with their parents and siblings, so it wasn’t like they wouldn’t know anyone. However, if you were inviting a friend who didn’t have a family connection to anyone else at the wedding, I would feel obligated to invite them to bring a date, so they wouldn’t feel left out.
 
Here is some words of wisdom from Pope Francis - which I pass on to all who are getting Married…in our current ‘crazy wedding culture’ they are a wonderfully refreshing reminder to Christians who are getting Married:

Finally, the Holy Father commented that marriage should be a celebration, but a Christian rather than a worldly one.

He offered as an example Jesus’ first miracle at Cana, when he transformed water into wine when the latter appeared to have run out, thus saving the celebrations. “What happened at Cana two thousand years ago, happens in reality at every wedding feast. It is the presence of the Lord, who reveals Himself and the gift of His grace, that will render your marriage full and profoundly true. …

At the same time, it is good for your wedding to be sober and to emphasise that which is truly important. Some people are more concerned with external signs, with the banquet, the dress…

These are important aspects of a feast, but only if they are able to indicate the true reason for your joy: the Lord’s blessing upon your love. Ensure that, like the wine in Cana, the external signs of your wedding feast reveal the presence of the Lord and remind you, and all those presence, of the origin of and reason for your joy”.

Vatican Information Service - Eng - txt visnews_entxt@mlists.vatican.va

(he said more but it would not fit…so I just am noting this last part for it is about the celebration and festivities–and it is posted here as it is related to the topic for all to consider- so is meant for “all” not directly answering a question)
 
I would shave down the guest list, period. I am sure that there are people on that list that you know will definitely not be making it to the wedding. No sense in sending cousin Sue, who you only see every 5 years at the family reunion, an invite. We decided on 150 guests We had 75 guests a piece and common friends were put on either list, trying to be as fair as possible. We didn’t do a plus one, however, people in long term relationships were both invited…no matter the situation.
You can’t invite everyone you know, start with getting those folks off the list that aren’t very important first.
 
It was never a social rule that you had to invite the people somebody lives with.

Servants were never invited.
Roommates were never invited (unless they were getting their own invitations for being family friends or relatives).
Definitely, mistresses and live-in lovers were also never invited.

If people really wanted to go to all these family functions, they’d get married and be family.
 
When I got married our rule was plus ones only for marries people or if they engaged with a date already set for the wedding. Many people do it otherwise you will end up with tons of people at your wedding. In my case, husband is the youngest of five all married, and both in laws have three siblings, and they are all close. So only my husband’s family was a troop if people. If we wouldn’t have gone by that rule we would have had about 200 people in the wedding. Surprisingly when we explained that the rule was that one most people was OK with it. I think only one of my husband’s cousins did not go because we didn’t invite the live in girlfriend but besides that most people were OK with it.
 
1ke said:
There are no rules. With wedding invitations, family, friends, and feelings, it’s the* kobayashi maru*-- no win scenario.

Do what you are able to, guest-wise, and be prepared for others to be upset no matter what you do. Your limit is your limit. If you want to invite fewer people so that those you do invite can bring a guest, then do so. If you’d rather have more of the people you care about invited sans guest, then do that.

But either way, someone’s feelings will get hurt… even the person you haven’t seen in 15 years, the 23rd cousin twice removed, etc.
Click to expand...
1ke, your posts continue to entertain…and speak the truth.

The bottom line is that there will always be people offended that they were not invited. And there will be people you do invite who will be offended on behalf of others who weren’t invited, or offended at which table they sit on, or who they are next to, or which entree they receive, etc.

So, whatever you decide, think about who you are likely to offend. And think about whether offending those people is something you can deal with or would much rather avoid.

I agree with others that in general people in a serious relationship should be invited as a couple, or not invited at all. If you are prepared to offend someone by inviting them but not their partner, you should ask yourself why you are inviting them at all (noting there may be a good reason - but it’s something to think about).
 
Just an idea I’d like to throw out there.

A very dear friend of mine had a good idea. She had a very large wedding but it would have been even larger if everyone was allowed to bring a significant other.

For example, my sister and I were both dating our soon-to-be husbands (neither of us were engaged yet) but neither of our boyfriends were invited to the wedding and my sister was living with her SO at the time.
We understood since we knew how big the wedding was going to be and that this family friend had never met our SOs.

We were sent a family wedding invitation (my parents and my sister and I).

Word of mouth, through phone calls and FaceBook, allowed us to be able to have SOs of invited guests to show up after the wedding ceremony and after the food and desert were served to the tables.
They could stop in after a certain hour to get a drink at the bar, dance, hang out and have a good time.

So, our boyfriends came by after dinner and desert and enjoyed the rest of the wedding. We had a good time and neither my sister nor I were offended that we couldn’t bring our boyfriends to the entire wedding.
 
I’ve always figured, personally, you can invite/not invite whom you really want…so long as you’re prepared to deal with the fallout. For example, I might decide I don’t want to invite my only sister to my wedding…but I best be prepared to have her not speak to me and our parents furious with me.

What I’ve always been taught is you always invite both halves of a married couple, both halves of an engaged couple, and a couple living together (they are to be treated as married, which they could be by common law, in some states.)

When it comes to dating couples, I was taught that if they’ve been dating a year at the time the engagement is announced, they should both be invited (because apparently after a year it’s presumed to be serious, and presumably, the bridal couple now knows both halves of the dating couple and considers both of them friends in their own right), but they are to be sent separate invitations. It was explained to me the reasoning behind this is because they might still break up, and you don’t want it that the invite was sent only to Jane and ‘plus one’, with the presumption that John would be her plus one, only to have Jane now have the power to declare John is no longer her plus one and now Jim (whom the bridal couple may not know) will be, and now John has no invitation of his own (and the couple may want his presence at the wedding.)

Granted, there’s always the ‘fun’ bit of guests who presume they’re allowed to bring a date anyway, even if the invitation is specifically addressed to only them and there’s no mention of a ‘plus one’. (I got put in an awkward situation by this once–a guy told me that he’d been told he could bring a date to a wedding. An overheard conversation in the bathroom led to my finding out he wasn’t supposed to have, so I was technically a ‘wedding crasher’. Wish etiquette covered how to politely find out if you’re really invited or not in such cases.)
 
1ke said:
There are no rules. With wedding invitations, family, friends, and feelings, it’s the* kobayashi maru*-- no win scenario.

Do what you are able to, guest-wise, and be prepared for others to be upset no matter what you do. Your limit is your limit. If you want to invite fewer people so that those you do invite can bring a guest, then do so. If you’d rather have more of the people you care about invited sans guest, then do that.

But either way, someone’s feelings will get hurt… even the person you haven’t seen in 15 years, the 23rd cousin twice removed, etc.
Click to expand...
Yes. It is your wedding. Invite those you wish to invite.🤷 I have never understood this type of dilemma.
 
Indigo_Cardinal said:
I’ve always figured, personally, you can invite/not invite whom you really want…so long as you’re prepared to deal with the fallout. For example, I might decide I don’t want to invite my only sister to my wedding…but I best be prepared to have her not speak to me and our parents furious with me.

What I’ve always been taught is you always invite both halves of a married couple, both halves of an engaged couple, and **a couple living together (they are to be treated as married, which they could be by common law, in some states.) **
Click to expand...
Just wanted to add a quick note on common law marriage: Contrary to common belief, cohabitating alone does not constitute common law marriage, even in those few states that still recognize the concept. In addition to cohabitating for a certain period of time, the couple must be “holding out” as husband and wife–i.e., their actions must tell the world that they are husband and wife, whether that means that the woman takes the husband’s last name, that they consistently refer to each other as husband and wife, or some other action that leads the rest of the world to believe that they are married.
Indigo_Cardinal said:
When it comes to dating couples, I was taught that if they’ve been dating a year at the time the engagement is announced, they should both be invited (because apparently after a year it’s presumed to be serious, and presumably, the bridal couple now knows both halves of the dating couple and considers both of them friends in their own right), but they are to be sent separate invitations. It was explained to me the reasoning behind this is because they might still break up, and you don’t want it that the invite was sent only to Jane and ‘plus one’, with the presumption that John would be her plus one, only to have Jane now have the power to declare John is no longer her plus one and now Jim (whom the bridal couple may not know) will be, and now John has no invitation of his own (and the couple may want his presence at the wedding.)

Granted, there’s always the ‘fun’ bit of guests who presume they’re allowed to bring a date anyway, even if the invitation is specifically addressed to only them and there’s no mention of a ‘plus one’. **(I got put in an awkward situation by this once–a guy told me that he’d been told he could bring a date to a wedding. An overheard conversation in the bathroom led to my finding out he wasn’t supposed to have, so I was technically a ‘wedding crasher’. Wish etiquette covered how to politely find out if you’re really invited or not in such cases.) **
Click to expand...
Haha–that is terribly awkward.
 
Bookcat said:
Here is some words of wisdom from Pope Francis - which I pass on to all who are getting Married…in our current ‘crazy wedding culture’ they are a wonderfully refreshing reminder to Christians who are getting Married:

Finally, the Holy Father commented that marriage should be a celebration, but a Christian rather than a worldly one.

He offered as an example Jesus’ first miracle at Cana, when he transformed water into wine when the latter appeared to have run out, thus saving the celebrations. “What happened at Cana two thousand years ago, happens in reality at every wedding feast. It is the presence of the Lord, who reveals Himself and the gift of His grace, that will render your marriage full and profoundly true. …

At the same time, it is good for your wedding to be sober and to emphasise that which is truly important. Some people are more concerned with external signs, with the banquet, the dress…

These are important aspects of a feast, but only if they are able to indicate the true reason for your joy: the Lord’s blessing upon your love. Ensure that, like the wine in Cana, the external signs of your wedding feast reveal the presence of the Lord and remind you, and all those presence, of the origin of and reason for your joy”.

Vatican Information Service - Eng - txt visnews_entxt@mlists.vatican.va

(he said more but it would not fit…so I just am noting this last part for it is about the celebration and festivities–and it is posted here as it is related to the topic for all to consider- so is meant for “all” not directly answering a question)
Click to expand...
Such a great line in that quote from the Pope:

"At the same time,* it is good for your wedding to be sober* and to emphasise that which is truly important. Some people are more concerned with external signs, with the banquet, the dress… "

~ Pope Francis

Amen!

(emp. added)

If only more Christians planning a wedding would read those words and put them in to life…so much in the current “wedding culture” is way off base…through out your “wedding magizines” people - and focus on what really matters…😉 (again this is a general statement - not a direct answer to the q.)

(and the term “sober” there is referring not to drinking -though he would say one must also be sober in that way too~!- most especially the bride and groom)
 
It occurs to me that likely, the next editions of secular etiquette books will claim that etiquette requires that we invite people’s same-sex live-in partners and civilly wed spouses to our weddings as well. If Christians are to simply follow secular rules of etiquette, we’d have to invite them as well.

Responses?
 
ToeInTheWater said:
It occurs to me that likely, the next editions of secular etiquette books will claim that etiquette requires that we invite people’s same-sex live-in partners and civilly wed spouses to our weddings as well. If Christians are to simply follow secular rules of etiquette, we’d have to invite them as well.

Responses?
Click to expand...
That’s pretty much the standard now. They are still a social unit. Again, you don’t have to invite them, but the consensus will be that you were in the wrong, that you made the faux pax, and people will wonder if you used your wedding guest list as a chance to make some kind of public statement about one of your guests and their family.
 
Mintaka said:
It was never a social rule that you had to invite the people somebody lives with.

Servants were never invited.
Roommates were never invited (unless they were getting their own invitations for being family friends or relatives).
Definitely, mistresses and live-in lovers were also never invited.

If people really wanted to go to all these family functions, they’d get married and be family.
Click to expand...
You are right; there was never a rule that you have to invite people because they live with an invitee.

But that’s not what is being discussed.

The rule had always even that both members of a couple in a long-term relationship should be invited to social events.

The SO is being invited because of the rrelationship, not where s/he lives.

Some people on this thread have said that rules don’t matter and that the hosts are free to invite whomever they wish. However the question the OP asked specifically asked what was proper according to etiquette, not if you’re free to exclude people if you wish.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top