Does Forgiving equate to forgetting?

[Boulder257]

When you forgive someone, does it have to be unconditional? For instance, say I forgive someone for hurting me, but they have done it so many times I say that I can’t be their friend anymore…is this acceptable, or have I truly not forgiven them then?

 

[Mel_Stones]

I don’t equate forgiveness to forgetting. Forgiveness is saying ‘you owe me something for what you’ve done, but I’m choosing not to require it of you’. If a person steals something from your home and you saw them do it, you should forgive but not allow them opportunity to violate your home again. The person can no longer be trusted (not to say that trust could never be regained but if trust is possible it MUST take time, not be immediate). Also to release the person from all consequences of his/her behavior is to do him/her a disservice. If the person is truly repentant, he/she will accept that there are consequences and work to regain a good standing.
(The above is not my own example nor my original thought.)

As Catholics we accept that we have been forgiven for our sins but temporal punishment still exists. That is to say, there is still work that must be done because of our sins but we are not required the penalty of death because we are forgiven. To me, Purgatory is God saying ‘I forgive you but there are things that must be repaired before you can truly enter Heaven’.

I have forgiven a woman who hurt me and wish her well but I do not allow her in my life, to do so would be foolish. I don’t ask her to make up for what she has done to me but neither do I give her the opportunity to hurt me again. I have forgiven but I do not forget.

I hope this is helpful. I don’t know the Church’s official teaching but I don’t believe I am in error. If I am in error I reject my own line of thought and replace it with the Church’s teaching.

 

[Boulder257]

Incredibly helpful post and well worded. Thanks.

 

[Ailina]

When you forgive someone, does it have to be unconditional? For instance, say I forgive someone for hurting me, but they have done it so many times I say that I can’t be their friend anymore…is this acceptable, or have I truly not forgiven them then?

I think it is sometimes necessary to not forget and to set up healthy boundaries so that person cannot hurt you in the same way again, particularly if they keep repeating the same behavior that caused the problem in the first place. If they are not willing to change the problem, then sometimes the best thing to do is to step away.

 

[EasterJoy]

To forgive is to release yourself, too: from bitterness, anger, and a desire for vengeance. You let go of the hurt, and finish with dwelling on it. That does not mean that there is no damage to the relationship. It does not mean that you haven’t forgiven, if you do not feel reconciliation is in order yet. Reconciliation takes the rebuilding of trust, and it takes two. Forgiveness only takes one, and it needs to come first.

Forgiveness means that you are not standing in the way of the offender doing what needs to be done to repair the damage they did to you and the relationship. You are not presuming to know that they are bad or that they won’t do better in the future. Forgiveness is the victory of hope. If you have forgiven someone, you may decide it is unwise to let them into your home or your life again…sometimes, ever again. You will, however, see that God thirsts for them, be willing to recognize that the person has value, and hope to see them in heaven. Once you can forgive, you can see again that beyond their faults and sins, the person has a saint hidden inside. You see, we’re not asked to forgive unconditionally, let alone reconcile unconditionally. We’re commanded to love unconditionally. There is a reason for that.

Sometimes you can forget, but that is only after you have forgiven. If you forget before you’ve forgiven, then you will find when you are reminded of the offense that the work of forgiveness still remains. And it is a work, and it does take time, if the offense is nontrivial. So be patient with yourself, too. As far as that goes, before you can forgive the other person, you have to also forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt, especially since it happened repeatedly. Forgiveness of a deep or ongoing hurt like that includes some grieving, and some self-forgiveness, too.

A priest and psychiatrist named John Monbourquette wrote a book titled: How to Forgive, a Step by Step Guide. If you have trouble with the process of forgiving and moving on, you might find that book offers some help. Counselling can help, too.

 

[bpbasilphx]

Sometimes you have to repeatedly forgive.

Forgiveness is an act of the will.

 

[kleine_katerine]

Since my conversion I have found it very hard to forgive some people. Mainly my father, I was angry at him for years because of the way my parent’s marriage ended. But, after lots of thought, contemplation and prayer, I have begun to accept what happened and not only started to make my peace with him but also let go of all that built up anger inside me. I couldn’t possibly forget what happened, it shaped my teenage life, but I’m not so sensitive about it any more. I re-evaluate my feelings about it on a regular basis. Sometimes we think we’ve forgiven a person, but we still bear a small grudge.

The other thing which my parish priest explained very well to me the other week was that we have to let ourselves be forgiven. And that’s even harder. Again I can never, ever forget the bad things I’ve done in my life, but I have to trust in God’s mercy and allow Him to forgive me.

Hope that helps.

God bless,

Katherine

 

[PJM]

=Boulder257;5601624]When you forgive someone, does it have to be unconditional? For instance, say I forgive someone for hurting me, but they have done it so many times I say that I can’t be their friend anymore…is this acceptable, or have I truly not forgiven them then?

***Love is far more than an emotion. It involves tha mind, intellect and freewill, therefore it is a conscious decision. We must l “love” everyone even those we may dislike.

Yes one can choose to love someone and pray for that person even if they are disliked.

Forgiveness does not automatically include forgetting. That is an additional grace from God that should be prayed for.***

Love and prayers,