Does happiness after marriage

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I was just watching a video about the psychology of love. I didn’t agree with a lot of what he said, though he did acknowledge that love is a choice. He put up a happiness graph of years after marriage. The graph showed that the happiest day of your marriage is the day you get married and it goes down hill till it levels off around 5 years. Around seven years it starts picking up a little bit, but it never returns back to the levels of when you got married.

I’m thinking this graph may be based on how we choose who we marry and what our expectations of love and marriage are. Perhaps it is indeed common, though I’m not sure about that either. I was told by my in laws and many others that the first year you are married is the hardest.

Well, my husband and I did have a very hard first year: difficulty consummating our marriage, job problems, pregnancy, insurance problems, two deaths in the family within two months of each other, economic insecurity, etc. We are reaching our 2 year anniversary next month. I feel like we have both grown so much and that our relationship is so much stronger. I love him far more deeply than I did the day we married. I am far happier with him than I’ve ever been with him when we got married or even when we were courting. In fact, I completely did not expect to be this happy married to him. We still have our external struggles and stresses, but aside from the joy and stresses of having a one year old (the joys definitely outweighing the stresses), these things would be a part of my life with or without him.

My Dad always says he loves my mom more and more everyday. Do you think it is possible for happiness to go uphill the longer you are married as you learn to grow and love each other better and better?

The other thing he said was that happiness goes up in marriage after children leave home and its just the two of you again. But while it does take effort to make time for each other, i would say our daughter brings such joy into our lives she increases the happiness and makes our marriage more complete. Anyone else feel similarly?
 
I agree with you. We’ve only been married two years but I feel much more deeply in love than we did on our wedding day. The first year was really hard for us too. And we still have a lot of struggles and bad days but at the same time the love has grown. I do believe it will continue to grow as long as we’re putting in the effort and the prayer.

Depends on what that guy’s definition of “happiness” is I guess.
 
DH and I just celebrated 5 years of marriage, so our marriage is still quite young.

Our first year was definitely the hardest. Actually, I’d say that our first three years were very difficult. We had a hard time adjusting to living together, we both had a LOT of maturing to do, plus we welcomed two children during that time. There were times when I nearly resigned myself to a life of being unhappy.

Now, my DH and I are much more happy. We’ve learned how to communicate better with each other, we’ve both learned how to be less selfish, and we’ve both made it a point to pray together. I can honestly say that I’m more in love with him now than I was even on the day we got married. And the more we work on choosing to love each other, we fall deeper in love with each other. I’d put us in the camp of loving each other more every day.

I think it does have a lot to do with how much effort one puts into picking a spouse to begin with. Another thing is having a prayer life together.
 
We’ve been married over 11 years… and I’ve heard it said that JOY is not the same thing as HAPPINESS… this is true in married life too.

No, times are not always “giddy” or “happy”. That has no bearing on the joy of married life or the love we have for each other.
Trials can bring out the best and the worst in married couples. Everyone has trials in their marriage, but it’s how you respond to them that matters. Looking back, I wouldn’t give up any of the trials we’ve been through… they’ve united us and helped us bond. Were they “fun” or “happy” times? CERTAINLY NOT! But they weren’t useless moments.
 
10 years! And my wife and I are happier now than ever. And we were always happy. I love waking up to each new day with her!
 
We are newly wedds but our joy was quickly squished with life. I have two children from a previous non-catholic abusive marriage and am currently chronically ill. We didn’t get the honeymoon and I didn’t get to enjoy much of the wedding due to illness but it was beautiful. We took the marriage prep classes. I would say before we took them that I thought he was crazy for getting married. After the classes, he opened up to me in a way that I could really be sure this was the man I love, wanted to marry, to have him forever and even though I still think he’s crazy for marrying someone who is already ill it makes me love him all the more. He is my favorite person, more than a bestfriend and better than a relative. He does silly things to make me laugh, even when I feel like crying. He is a racecar driver, and when he gets in his “mode” he ignores me- I have accepted that he needs to shut me out in order to preform. If he’s thinking or worrying about me than he isn’t focusing on racing. I love watching him race and if I were healthy I would be the grease monkey tearing his car apart to make it run better. It’s frustrating at times like when the dr’s run tests and they are still confused about a real diagnosis. He sees me every day and watches how sick I get. I don’t have any answers and neither do the physicians they send me to. In the mean time our love is very strong. I tell him the things I can’t do and he understands why. He doesn’t push or judge he just supports and loves me. I feel lucky to have been given such a wonderful partner and he feels the same 😊
 
We have been married for almost 6 years now. We have been through good times and bad…Lately, we have been going through some rough patches, so I would say during those, we are not as happy as when we first got married. Two weeks ago, we both agreed that we were more in love than we had ever been before. Things are looking up now, and I believe and pray we are coming out of a big rough spot. When we do, we will be happier and more in love than ever.

I definitely understand that love is a choice. This is something that I have been realizing lately and striving to do better at. Yes, I have always loved my wife, but maybe I never took enough joy in showing her that. I will never make that mistake again. Maybe it is just a part of maturing, but now, not much makes me happier than making her happy. If both parts of a married couple can say that honestly, then that is going to be one good, happy, healthy, holy, loving marriage. And I pray that is what mine is and will be forever. There is nothing I want more.
 
Thirty years, and we are closer than ever. I have been very blessed to have married someone who has grow with me, and we have been very blessed with (3) wonderful children and (2) grandchildren (so far).

DGB

🙂
 
twoangels said:
I was just watching a video about the psychology of love. I didn’t agree with a lot of what he said, though he did acknowledge that love is a choice. He put up a happiness graph of years after marriage. The graph showed that the happiest day of your marriage is the day you get married and it goes down hill till it levels off around 5 years. Around seven years it starts picking up a little bit, but it never returns back to the levels of when you got married.QUOTE]

I saw this same graph in a class on Marriage and Family I took in college. But when I saw it, about 4 years ago, they said happiness increases to almost double what it was when you first started out. It did show the curve going down. The teacher explained that this had some things to do with kids. While kids are blessings they also take a lot of time and energy.

On average couples have trouble balancing their marriage, their personal life, their work life, and their children. During years when when they have mutliple children who are all active in school and extracuricular activities they spend a lot of time caring for the kids and going to events that they are interested in. During this time the marriage relationship can take a back seat, it is why you hear psychologist say that you should schedule a date night, to keep in touch.

Also you have to remember that these type of graphs are from data gathered by many people of all walks of life. And our current culture definitely looks at children as a burden. The whole “Don’t have kids right away, live your life and have fun together first before kids come and take up all your time” attitude is very pervalent. So when a couple does have a child and view it as a burden to their freedom that data will be added together with the couple who think of their child as their greatest gift. Get too many “children are burden” answers and that’s what will cause the results to appear negative.

However, as I’m not married yet, this is just my two cents! 😊
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I’ve been married for 26 years, and my perspective is that happiness in marriage will not be a straight shot up. You will go through rough patches that will put your happiness index in the tank. The secret to a lasting marriage is to stick it out through the unhappiness. And that entails not just biding time, but doing what it takes to communicate, compromise in turn, sacrifice, have patience, and bite your tongue. And your spouse must do likewise. This is what it means to work at your marriage. When the rough patch is passed, it is possible to be happy again. And during those happy times, you make sure to work on strengthening your bond.

My perspective on lasting marriages is that they are happy most of the time, which is why the difficult times are called rough “patches”. They are bumps in the road, not the road itself. And over time, the whole experience of marriage becomes something deeper than just being happy. It’s one of not just sharing your lives but of truly being connected, in fact intertwined, and you are truly “one flesh.”
 
We’ve been married less than a year now (since September), and I voted: “Our marital happiness has been gradually increasing since we got married.”

We are still in our first year, and it is not easy. My wife moved in with me and we are now living in NY (she is from New Jersey originally). Even though it’s only about a 15 - 20 minute ride away, she does miss Jersey which I can understand - she spent her whole life there. So basically she is dealing with living in a new state and everything you can imagine is new to her. This is a big sacrifice she made for me and I understand that. She is now looking for work in NY, getting to know her way around the area, etc…

For me, on the other hand, it’s been a bit difficult to adjust to the new life. Everything is different. Now, it is not I that makes all the decisions. It is now *we * that make the decisions and that is something we both need to get used to.

We are learning to work together in all different areas. We are trying to buy our first house and build our lives together. So despite our arguments here and there, and new things we are getting used to, we both love each other. Our love grows every day, thanks to God.
 
Hello all,
My husband and I have been married for 10 years, but only married in the church for 2. The last two years have been the HARDEST! But I do believe that it is because we took a step towards being close to God, and the devil didn’t like that too much. He put so many obstacles in our path that we have considered divorce, etc…but since marriage is a sacrament and divorce is NOT an option, we will keep on keeping on. I know we will get through this rough time, things have to work out because we are doing what the Lord has designed. Not many in my family understand this concept (they are not Catholic) and their answer to marital problems is - divorce… I’m just keeping the faith and working through it. We are both committed to our marriage, even when we consider the alternative…
It can and will work - marriage is necessary for us, and the children to be as close God as we possibly can.
 
Marriage like life has its ups and downs and I am sure that the happiness meter goes up and down for everyone married or single. Marriage for many is when you really have to grow up and realize that life is hard sometimes. There are bills to pay and someone else to consider when you make decisions. Sometimes things don’t work out as planned etc. I have been married for 21 years and have had what I would call a great marriage. We are extremely compatible and have very similar values. But there have been rough patches. The key to happiness is not depend on someone else to make it for you. 🙂
 
jpjd said:
I’ve been married for 26 years, and my perspective is that happiness in marriage will not be a straight shot up.
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Indeed. We’ve only been married for six, but we’ve already seen this play out in our marriage. The overall trend is towards more happiness/contentment/satisfaction, but there have certainly been dips along the way.

Luna
 
My wedding day was the happiest day of my life thus far. We had a beautiful wedding and I smiled all day, and everything felt peaceful and right. Being joined in the sacrament, with all of our family and friends there to celebrate with us, felt wonderful.

However, that happiness was a feeling I had. We’ve been married less than a year, and I can’t say that I have been as “happy” as I was that day since, however I do feel as though I love my husband more each day. There have been happy times, sad times, and difficulties we’ve dealt with, but I think if you graphed any married couple’s “happiness” over time there would be highs and lows all over the place. If you were to ask people “How much do you love your spouse?” at different points in time (meaning real love, not “do you feel in love”) I suspect it would be a steadier increase without all the dips, peaks, and plateaus. Feelings are transient, but true sacrificial love stands the test of time. I’d like to see the data sorted by “definition of happiness”!
 
I have been married to my wife for 13 years and can honestly say I am more in love with her now than from day one. And we were truly best friends for 3 years BEFORE we even started dating, so the foundation has been stable and strong. The difference? When we were young and in love, we were confident in each other and you almost take that for granted. You love the positives but still find ways to improve and/or dwell on the not so positives. With age and maturity, you learn the little things aren’t as important, and you appreciate the person and recognition of all the sacrifices that have demonstrated over time. I now look at my wife and only see a beautiful person that has been there for me through hard times and good, but is still there to support me with unconditional love. Any flaws I might have seen in the past are hidden behind the true beauty of her being . I hope everyone gets the opportunity to experience this with their relatinships. It’s all about finding the right person, your true soul mate, and in my case my guaridan Angel.
 
I voted “other.” My husband and I were more in accord when we married. We married civilly, were using contraception, etc. and were both lapsed for years. No idea I would return to the Church after our 1st son was born. Since then, almost 21 years ago, it’s been a source of pain for both of us. We still have our good moments, but always with some sense of the chasm between us. God must have willed it this way, so I will go forward in confidence.
 
While there have certainly been ups and downs, we’ve been gradually growing happier and more in love with one another over the last 16 years. We seem to get a big spike in the happiness every time a new baby arrives.

I tend to get a kick out of those people who say their wedding day was the happiest in their lives because I can’t figure out how they did it. Ours was full of stress and conflict, kind of an exclamation point on the months of aggravation that led up to it. Due to a spiteful, conniving coworker, the vacation I’d scheduled for the week prior to the wedding was canceled at the last minute, meaning I had to take care of all the last-minute plans while working a 60+ hour week. This also meant that my bachelor party was two nights before the wedding and the night before the rehearsal, leaving me in no shape to rehearse anything, or enjoy the rehearsal dinner. We had the rehearsal dinner at a local restaurant owned by a couple friends. They didn’t come through on the discount they promised us which cut deeply into the cash we’d set aside for our honeymoon. The people who told us they were getting us a limo to the wedding/reception and a horse-drawn carriage to our night in the honeymoon suite at one of the most expensive local hotels changed plans at the last minute and told us it was now just the limo (to & from), and a lesser suite at a not-quite-as-nice hotel. We remained gracious until the morning of the wedding when they told us they weren’t actually getting us the limo. Or the suite. Or a gift. This meant that I had to drive myself and two of the groomsmen to the wedding in my old, nowhere-near-a-limo of a car, scramble to find rides for the rest of the wedding party, then drive my wife back to our not-fully-furnished new house afterward (the house being a complete mess because we weren’t supposed to be staying there for another week and I’d been doing a lot of work on it to get it ready). Also, after shelling out nearly $2000 on beer, wine, champagne and liquor (the leftovers of which were “taken” by a handful of guests), all I got was a sip of champagne for the toast. I wasn’t going to drink more than that since I quickly found out that I was the one having to deal with all the problems at the reception, and I had no idea how much driving I was going to have to do; not that I wanted to get drunk, but I was counting on at least a full glass of champagne and a nice beer with dinner. I spent a good part of the night fighting with an uncooperative DJ, and even more time babysitting my FIL who seemed intent on causing problems and starting fights. I then had to arrange for rides home for half the wedding party, a couple of whom had to leave early after doing their part to make up for my lack of drinking. Due to these and several other problems, instead of us leaving a bit early as planned (thus wasting the money we spent on the little bags of confetti people were supposed to shower us with as we left, which we were supposed to do at the church but we’d had to cancel the receiving line due to an unexpected storm), we were two of the last people to actually leave the reception. A big part of this was to avoid any additional problems, but I also ended up having to help clean up, rearrange tables and put away chairs (we had used the $150 or so we saved by not paying for the cleaning crew to buy that keg of really nice beer I couldn’t have, and half the people who had volunteered to help clean up were either the too-drunk members of the wedding party or the people who had jumped at the chance to drive them home). Then, instead of a straight shot back to our house, we had to stop by the IL’s house to drop off my wife’s dress (my MIL had forgotten the dress bag), which led to another fight with the FIL who decided at the last minute to keep all the leftovers from the caterer for himself (he relented a month later and gave us a bag of freezer-burned vegetables). I then got a call bright and early the next morning telling me that the couple folks who stayed behind to finish picking up at the hall had instead left as soon as we did, so I spent the morning after our wedding taking out trash and mopping up with a severely hungover groomsman, then driving around to pick up and return tuxes because the person who’d volunteered to do that was MIA. After another fight with the IL’s, who decided at the last minute to tell us they weren’t going to watch our son while we went on our honeymoon (which we’d cut down from a full week to three days due to the work problems and the lack of money after the rehearsal dinner fiasco), we managed to smooth things over with them (they only relented because we’d been bumped out of our suite and into a regular room with a single bed) and got on our way, only to get caught under an overpass for nearly an hour thanks to a massive storm. In retrospect, we’ve really had nowhere to go but up since then. 😃
 
Happiness is a bad word. Contentment is a choice. If both people choose to work at a marriage then both will be content. However, if someone goes into the marriage with the idea that they do not need to work neither will stay content.
 
I think you need to include as an option “happiness goes up and down at different times”. We have been both happy and unhappy in the past, married 30 years, you just go though good times and stressful times when happiness is more elusive. That is life. I would say we are happier now than ever, but we have recently been through some very great stresses, both mental and physical health issues, so are deliberately trying to work on our relationship. I answered “other”.
 
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