Does He Have to Ask My Parents' Blessing/Permission?

[Ukelala91]

Hi folks,

This is a sensitive one, so I ask that you treat it as such. My boyfriend is going to propose to me at some point in the near future (I’m guessing by February, based on hints dropped), and it came up recently that he is reluctant to ask my parents’ permission–or even their blessing-- because of how they have treated me, and by extension him, in the past.

Here are the examples. A year ago, when he was planning to visit me for Thanksgiving (we were long-distance then, but aren’t anymore), my parents–during a bad argument-- disinvited him as a punishment to me: AFTER he had already bought plane tickets. Part of this was my fault because of getting into the argument, but the end result hurt him badly. They did change their minds later, and it took convincing to get him to stay. Although I am an adult, my boyfriend has witnessed my mother be abusive towards me and has felt awkward and angry with her for her sometimes treatment of me. She also once recently disinvited him from my sister’s birthday party: again, because of something I did. Although I take the blame for my part in my disagreements with my parents, he has seen some pretty horrendous and dark moments in my family-- the worst of it, I would add. None of this has motivated him to do anything humble for them, because he says he does not respect them.

I tried to point out that his NOT seeking their blessing/approval (they are quite traditional and very devout) would actually make things worse for us, especially as we prepare for marriage. I am an anxious person and try to keep the peace even when it requires sacrifice (although I’m not always good at this). His not asking would only create ill will; despite their behavior towards me at times, my parents like him a lot and find him a good match for me (my Mom even once told friends she admires his faith!).

Is it too much to want to keep tradition even in dysfunction?

 

[Xanthippe_Voorhees]

This is a social tradition and not one that the Church perpetuates in any way.

My husband gave my parents a head’s up. He did not ask their “permission”. I am a grown adult.

Given the abuse, I think that a nicely scripted hand written letter would be the best thing. He can write it so that he shows he has your best interest and would like their cooperation but in way that shows he is not beholden to them.

It may be prudent to seek professional help in this.

I would not respect someone who was abusing someone I loved. I doubt your family has “shown their worst” to a stranger. You would be wise to seek professional help as you may find yourself struggling with a healthy married life in light of an unhealthy upbringing.

 

[Lou2U]

I think he’s right to be honest. There isn’t any teaching on whether it’s something he should have to do, and I know I would find respecting my significant other’s parents very difficult if they treated him as yours have treated you.

There are some issues to consider with this - if your parents disprove of the marriage and refuse to give their blessing, what will you do then? Or if your parents give their blessing but you argue and they withdraw it? There comes a point when you have to pull away from your parents, and keeping the peace is not always possible. There is a difference between keeping the peace and letting your parents dominate you - not that I’m saying they are necessarily, but from the sounds of your post, it doesn’t seem good.

 

[1ke]

it came up recently that he is reluctant to ask my parents’ permission–or even their blessing-- because of how they have treated me, and by extension him, in the past.

He need not ask their permission. You are a grown woman, he needs only your permission.

However the above coupled with your other post where you indicate you still live at home, get presents from Santa, and are worried about telling your family you are spending Christmas in FL all add up to a much bigger issue.

And if they’ve treated him poorly that is a bad sign.

Although I am an adult, my boyfriend has witnessed my mother be abusive towards me and has felt awkward and angry with her for her sometimes treatment of me.

Well, yeah, because it’s ABUSE.

tried to point out that his NOT seeking their blessing/approval (they are quite traditional and very devout) would actually make things worse for us, especially as we prepare for marriage.

There is NOTHING in Catholic tradition regarding asking parents permission to marry. Don’t hide behind devout and traditional. They are manipulative and controlling.

And you need to take he bull by be horns and put your foot down. NOW. It will only get worse if you get married while still afraid of disappointing them. That is inevitable. You can’t please everyone all the time.

I am an anxious person and try to keep the peace even when it requires sacrifice

Yes you are going to have to get over that. Probably with counseling.

Is it too much to want to keep tradition even in dysfunction?

It’s not tradition and it only encourages more dysfunction.

He is also going to have to let his anger go.

 

[JulianN]

What 1Ke said.

He asks your permission. You are a grown woman who answers him.

Then you tell your parents.

My daughter just got engaged – and both she and I would have been unpleasantly surprised if her fiance had asked for parental permission.

 

[Clementine14]

My husband did not ask for my parents’ permission or blessing to ask me to marry him. He did ask me if it was “expected”, and I think he probably would have if I had wanted him to. I told him no. I think it would have been awkward for everyone- my parents did not expect him to, he didn’t want to, and I didn’t want him to. I was a grown woman, who could decide who to marry. He had already spent time with them and they liked him, but the decision was ours.

You ask “is it too much to want to keep tradition even in dysfunction?” and I say yes. It is unreasonable of your parents to expect this, and it would be unreasonable for you to require it. Now is the time to start setting boundaries with your family; you cannot be more concerned with “keeping the peace” than you are with your husband’s feelings.

I don’t really think it is fair to tell him that if he doesn’t do it, it will “make things worse”. Your parents, should they choose to behave unreasonably if he doesn’t ask, will be the ones making things worse. If you don’t set boundaries with them, you will be making things worse. He doesn’t deserve the blame for creating any ill-will. I understand that it can be hard when you just want everyone to get along, but I agree with some of the other people who have posted here that if this is a difficulty you have, some professional help might be useful as you learn to move into the “spouse” role where you should put your marriage first.

 

[Lou2U]

Excellent advice, @Clementine14.

 

[AdamP88]

It’s not required for your parents to give their “Blessing” or permission for you to get married. I can see where your bf is coming from. I didn’t even give my wife’s parents any kind of notice that I was proposing to their daughter. As far as I was concerned it was between me and her to make that decision.

Even if I thought it was expected by her parents I would have been quite resistant to it.

To be honest, I think the rigid adherence to this tradition in this situation could even constitute a dysfunction in and of itself.

 

[AdamP88]

My daughter just got engaged – and both she and I would have been unpleasantly surprised if her fiance had asked for parental permission.

Yeah…to be honest if I had a daughter and her bf asked me for permission I’d just be like: No point asking me buddy.

 

[1ke]

Your parents, should they choose to behave unreasonably if he doesn’t ask, will be the ones making things worse

This!!! A thousand times, this!!!