Does my mother understand same-sex attraction?

[SplendidSt]

This weekend has been a bit stressfull for me. I am a practicing Catholic male who experiences SSA. My mother for a long time has asked me periodically if I had a girlfriend at school (I’m in college undergrad) or if I liked any girls around. This weekend was different.
She said she noticed how when she asked me about girls or stuff like that I would sound different. Usually to keep up appearances I’s tell her “oh, he’s a nice girl” or “I do like her” when she would ask about a specific girl I knew. I tried the same thing but she noticed me. She asked me more questions about what kind of girls I liked and I couldn’t think of any girls so I just said “well, I don’t really like any”. And she asked if I liked guys I said yes.

She was so surprised so I tried to explain more. Gladly she is not a worldly woman, she is Christian but not Catholic like me so she understands the truth about homosexual acts. I am very much afraid of what she thinks about me, this is because of what happened latter that night. We ended up watching “The Third Way” together and got to talking after. I talked about how I used to like girls when I was younger and somewhere at the end of middle school it became excusively male oriented. But now she thinks I should go back and find out when I made the choice to like guys and not girls anymore. I tried to tell her I never really came to a point where I chose but she insists so.

The epitome of my worry is this. There was a certian girl who I knew that obviously liked me alot and probably wanted to date me. I deal with same sex attraction and she came to know this because we’ve had deep conversations and were in the same young adult group. I think that’s why she didn’t really ever pursue me in that way anymore. I told my mom about this and she goes “no wonder, you ran her away. You can’t tell people that about yourself, I would run away too if a guys told me 'I love you but I also bave same sex attraction’l” She then told me never to tell anyone else this, becasie word spreads that “oh, he’s gay” and then no girls would date me. She really wants me to date but I just don’t want to, I can’t make myself to do it. I mean yeah, its possible I could keep it all hush hush and find the perfect woman and get married and have kids like she wants me to do. It just won’t be natural for me, I hate this I’m scared of this I don’t naturally desire to date a woman, my mother insists I do. Is it wrong or sinful not to be married at all because I am not good at keeping up appearances. My mom thinks I can just up and get married I’m so terrified of this. Anyone have advice?

 

[oneofmany]

Do you belong to the Courage organization? If not you can look into it. It’s a Catholic organization for those with SSA. I am sure they can tell you how to explain what you feel to family and friends. Your mother could also go to Encourage for the family of people with SSA. I have good friends who go to Encourage.

No, dating women for the idea of marrying them would not be right if you don’t have any interest in them that way. You can be friends though.

 

[Miss_Felicity]

I wish you peace in dealing with your mom and as your navigate SSA. My one piece of advice is to not date and definately do not marry just to appease your mother. IF you were to find a young woman you wanted to date or develop a deep friendship with, you would have to be honest with her about your SSA, it is deceptive and inconsiderate not to. YOU have the right idea about being honest.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Splendid,

Your mother JUST found this out. For years, she has had dreams of your marrying, of your future family, and so on. It is extremely hard for her, personally, to just give those dreams up all at once. You need to be patient with her.

Who knows, God might have a marriage in your future. But your mother’s desire cannot be a reason for you to pursue marriage.

Peace,
Prodigal

 

[Dorothy]

I second the advice about contacting Courage. Courage follows Church teaching, and if there is not a group near you, you can have very helpful support, advice, and discussions over the phone. With God’s grace all things are possible. The Lord’s grace, through prayer and the sacraments makes it possible to live a chaste lifestyle.

 

[pacomius]

SSA is a reality I really wish never existed. this is because I have spent several months on a research on where the vocation of people with SSA lie in the church without been unfair to their human persons. I am yet to find any satisfactory answer both in church history and papal documents. all I can do FOR now is pray for them to become heterosexual.

 

[Allegra]

I think you could get out of this one easily on the “There are certain things a man dosn’t discuss with his mother” card.

 

[Joe_5859]

I think you could get out of this one easily on the “There are certain things a man dosn’t discuss with his mother” card.

Right.

I don’t think your mother’s proposed approach to keep it all “hush, hush” is the way to go. That might work as a manipulative strategy if your sole goal was to obtain a wife by any means necessary. But that is not the foundation for a good marriage.

But, as Prodigal Son said, she did just find out about this. You may just need to be patient with her as she adjusts her expectations about what your future might look like.

 

[manualman]

Boundaries, mom! Respect the boundaries. Stereotypes are harmful when that are assumed to be universal, but sometimes they really are common. The emotionally absent dad and manipulative mom are among the most common stereotypes about gay men’s history. It sounds like your mom really is terribly controlling and manipulative in your life. Learn to establish boundaries and then build armored fences to defend them. Your life is yours, not hers. She has to learn to respect that. That doesn’t mean she has no role in your life, but that she stays on her side of the boundaries.

It’s great that you’re doing your best to honor your faith and seek God’s will for your life in light of the difficult challenge you have. Hang in there and keep the faith, even when flawed and fallen humans let you down.

 

[white_sheep]

From what I’ve read in the past it seemed like the men with SSA who married to live a normal life frequently ended up with marital problems and divorces, and other such issues. Some left their wife and kids to be with a man. That’s just terrible. This was more common a few decades ago. For some, it worked. It isn’t something I would encourage. Maybe in time things will change for you and marriage will be a good idea. Your mom could be right, maybe things aren’t set in stone for you. However, I don’t think it is really her business. Telling her was the right thing to do, but after that she doesn’t need to be running your life.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

From what I’ve read in the past it seemed like the men with SSA who married to live a normal life frequently ended up with marital problems and divorces, and other such issues. Some left their wife and kids to be with a man. That’s just terrible. This was more common a few decades ago. For some, it worked. It isn’t something I would encourage. Maybe in time things will change for you and marriage will be a good idea. Your mom could be right, maybe things aren’t set in stone for you. However, I don’t think it is really her business. Telling her was the right thing to do, but after that she doesn’t need to be running your life.

I think that such men almost always kept their SSA a secret from everyone. That’s not a healthy way to live.

If a married man has SSA and doesn’t live that sort of life of shame, I don’t think the problems you talk about would be as common. Always possible, but not as common.

(Also, you almost certainly would never hear about successful marriages with an SSA man as husband, since these men wouldn’t be “out”).

 

[jjdjrwildcat]

I don’t mean to be vulgar, but how would a SSA marriage work? A required element of a Catholic marriage is that the couple have intercourse and be open to life. And that requires, for lack of a better term, enjoyment of the act.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I don’t mean to be vulgar, but how would a SSA marriage work? A required element of a Catholic marriage is that the couple have intercourse and be open to life. And that requires, for lack of a better term, enjoyment of the act.

1. A person who has same-sex attraction may also have opposite-sex attraction.
2. A person who lacks opposite sex attraction may be fully functional – and even enjoy – sex with a person of the opposite sex.

 

[jjdjrwildcat]

1. A person who has same-sex attraction may also have opposite-sex attraction.
2. A person who lacks opposite sex attraction may be fully functional – and even enjoy – sex with a person of the opposite sex.

OP said he wasn’t attracted to girls (anymore). And it seems like it would be impossible to enjoy sex with someone you aren’t attracted to.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

And it seems like it would be impossible to enjoy sex with someone you aren’t attracted to.

I’m not sure if you’re using “enjoy” as a euphemism here, but I think it is possible to enjoy sex with a person you’re not attracted to, and it’s certainly possible for many men to maintain an erection in such cases (that’s what I thought might be the subject of a euphemism).

I would guess that more than half of gay men have had sex with women. It’s not uncommon, at all, even among those exclusively attracted to men.

 

[EasterJoy]

“Get behind me, Satan! You are an obstacle to me. You are thinking not as God does, but as human beings do.” Matt. 16:23

Tell your mother that it would be unthinkable to marry a woman and not tell her about this issue. That would be a great deception, and in spite of her good intentions, your mother must stop suggesting otherwise. You must absolutely avoid any temptations in that direction.

Marriage requires that each spouse be as open as possible about anything that might deter a spouse from committing for life, come better or come worse. I do not mean that the beans have to be spilled on the first date concerning every issue we struggle with or that private confessions ought to be abolished, but that this cannot be hidden from a prospective spouse. I mean it is a serious lie to hide this issue from a prospective spouse. It could invalidate the marriage and hurt someone you love very deeply, not to mention deeply wound you.

 

[theCrow]

SSA is a reality I really wish never existed. this is because I have spent several months on a research on where the vocation of people with SSA lie in the church without been unfair to their human persons. I am yet to find any satisfactory answer both in church history and papal documents. all I can do FOR now is pray for them to become heterosexual.

You can’t “pray the gay away.” In my opinion, the OP should be open and honest with himself, and his mother. Come out of the closet and your Mom will still love you, unconditionally. Embrace who you are and follow your heart.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

You can’t “pray the gay away.” In my opinion, the OP should be open and honest with himself, and his mother. Come out of the closet and your Mom will still love you, unconditionally. Embrace who you are and follow your heart.

Since you said those magic words “Follow your heart”, let me share with you I poem I once wrote about following one’s heart:

The heart is deceitful above all things.
Of all things that you might trust, that you might follow,
You cannot trust your heart, nor follow it.

The aim of the heart is never to be grieved.
We see this again and again.

The heart sets low expectations.
The heart nourishes abandonment.
The heart makes promises without regard to their completion.
It pretends and pretends until the man is nothing but pretense,
Nothing but an organ free of pain.

For the heart will go to any distance and through any boundary to escape pain.

The avoidance of pain will never solve anything,
Yet the heart lies and lies, with this avoidance as its theme.
Deceitful, I say, above all things.
Not life but death, neither trusting nor trustworthy.

If you contradict me, you are speaking from the heart, and you are wrong.

 

[Dorothy]

You can’t “pray the gay away.” In my opinion, the OP should be open and honest with himself, and his mother. Come out of the closet and your Mom will still love you, unconditionally. Embrace who you are and follow your heart.

It is the Lord that loves us unconditionally, and if we are receptive, enables us with His grace to obey Him.

In so doing, we find true happiness.

 

[LatinByzCath]

I’m also a college male with SSA.

I’ve come to learn that it’s best to just keep quiet about SSA. Everyone’s situation is different. I don’t try to pretend I’m not SSA by dating women, but I also don’t make it everyone’s business. If people hear that you’re “gay”, they’ll think things about you. As I’m not one to talk about sexual things anyway, I don’t really care to explain myself to anyone except my confessor.

Your mother may not understand your celibacy. My mom didn’t get that I wanted to be celibate. She thought that I would, as people do, give into my carnal desires, and that she had to support me in my pursuit of sexual gratification (which she was eager to do.) She hates the idea that I’m living a celibate life for my convictions. I’ve gotten similar responses from people in the past, when I was open about my SSA with my therapist or close friends.

Sometimes, we should just keep such things to ourselves. It doesn’t mean we’re denying who we are, we’re merely keeping our brothers and sisters away from the temptation to prejudge us.