Does the Church hate me for not having children?

[Salonika]

Mark77:

You said; “And I have several very close female friends who have told me that they really hate their lives since having children. This is my biggest fear. What if I hate my life?”

I am sorry if this offends you or anyone else, but, anyone who would say or think that must be seriously immature & self absorbed.

Or maybe at the end of their tether.

Also there is also the psychological health of the children of a mother who feels that way to consider. Believe me it is not a good start in life to be told that “you coming along spoilt my life” and “I wish you never had been born”. So okay later you get to realise it wasn’t personal and that your mother did see advantages in having you but it doesn’t cancel out the original comment.

Mark77:

Sure children can be challenging & the days of doing whatever you want are gone, but the rewards are infinitely greater than any personal freedoms lost!.

For most people this is probably so but not for all.

The challenge is to discern whether this is true for you. There are other ways to nurture the next generation it does not have to be by having your own. Some examples - looking after someone’s child when parents need a break, providing respite care for a child with disabilities and giving their parents a break, doing housework for a family so they can all go out together.
Title of thread:

Does the Church hate me for not having children

Sometimes it can feel as if some people (including church members) while not hating or despising people who do not have children consider us less than those who do. Sometimes they see the advantages of our lives compared with theirs and forget that all styles have both advantages and disadvantages.

Jesus didn’t say ‘take up your personal interests, your friends, your dinner dates, your parties, your career, your shopping…& follow me’, He said “let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.”

Mark77:

Our greatest joy comes from loving others. Not the modern love, ‘i love my car’ kind of love, but the Love of God kind of Love, Agape Love, the total giving of oneself for another!

I believe we can only love others in this way if we love/approve of ourselves. Otherwise our love for others can seem contrived or peopleare waiting for us to be as critical of them as we are of ourselves.

It can be hard for some people to love themselves if they are constantly told how selfish and unloving they are just because they do not have/want to have children or because they are stuggling to decide whether they should have children or not.

 

[milkbar]

You say infants and teens don’t bother you … let me tell you, infants SHOULD bother you. You can’t reason with them, you can’t put them on hold, you can’t get any sleep! NO SLEEP!.. the first few months are the absolute hardest for me. But I love 'em anyway. And once they reach the toddler years, you know them. You’ve raised them, see? You know what to expect and how to interact with them. Other people’s toddlers and preschoolers might still throw you for a loop–that’s true for me–but your own kids, you know them, you mostly know what to expect and you know how to interact with them. You know them better than anyone. It’s really special. And the first time they say “Mommy? I love you.” … it’s amazing. There’s nothing like being Mommy. Please trust me that the odds of you not connecting with your child are very slim, especially if you’re not an abuser of drugs and/or alcohol. The disconnect happens but very, very rarely. You might be at higher risk for postpartum depression (which is far worse than the baby blues… I’ve been there, I know), but if you have the assistance of a mental health professional during the newborn months, and a good support system (especially a husband absolutely ready and willing to help and be “on call” with you 24/7 until you find your life’s new pattern), you will be fine. The reason so many people say it’s different when the kids are your own is because it’s TRUE. And yes, you’re taking a step into the unknown, but “Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed.” Believe you can do it. “I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me.”

Prayers for you. Talk to the Blessed Mother, too. She’s a mom.

 

[Mark77]

You said; "And they do not enjoy the constant mommy duties. They would not ever give up their kids, of course, and they love them tremendously. A lot of people, Catholic and not, make assumptions that everyone will be happy with the lifestyle of being a parent and I think, knowing this women, that it is naive to assume that to be true in every single case."???

**It is truly naive to believe that self gratification & temporary personal pleasure are lasting & important!
**
What is true is that our lives are measured by those times when we were called to give everything, despite the cost to us personally, not the times we had fun or were happy!

**Ask our Blessed Mother Mary why she said “yes” to God! i’m sure she has had many major anxiety attacks,but she did not have access to therapy from highly educated, yet mostly useless, psychologists.

She lovingly & bravely gave everything so we could be saved! Use Her as your model of courage & determination!**

Do not buy into the lies we are sold 24/7, telling us we will be happy & fulfilled with material goods & pleasures. **Listen to your heart, you know that Jesus is calling you to be who He made you to be!!!
**
Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, Ora Pro Nobis Peccatoribus!

mark

 

[sandusky1011]

I’m so sorry to hear about your panic attacks :console:. I’ve had them and they are NOT fun. I can’t imagine having them triggered by something as common as children!

Sounds like you really want to live according to what God wants for you - you just need help figuring out what that is. What might help is prayer . Pray, pray, pray - especially a prayer like the Rosary or the Divine Mercy Chaplet. Ask Mary for her help. While you’re praying up a storm, go see a good mental health professional. There are lots of things out there that can help with panic attacks, and a good therapist can help you get to the root of your anxiety.

Hope everything improves, and I’m sorry you’ve dealt with people who obviously aren’t really listening to the problems you’ve having.

I totally agree with this post!

I was always very uncomfortable around children because of my anxiety issues. And most of the time other people are around so when my older sister had kids, I was asked to babysit. I was around 18 and never did get comfortable with it. I would sweat and feel very nervous even though I played with them and interacted. I couldn’t wait to go home.

When I married my Catholic husband, I was not a Catholic yet so had no pressure on me to have kids and I didn’t want any. But after five years I got the itch to have a baby. I’ve always loved animals and little things so it was natural for me to love my own little baby. But, if you’ve never had that yearning because of your fears, that may not be good for the child. I got over my discomfort with kids because I had two of my own and even worked as an aide in a kindergarten class. With anxiety, exposure does desensitive and it may be something to look into with a counselor who’s trained in it.

I would hate to see your anxiety get in the way of having that experience with children. I hate it when anxiety keeps us from doing things in life but I certainly understand it.

So, yes, pray, get some good exposure therapy and then make your decision. Then again, if you have a baby, that would create the exposure you need. But it’s risky for the child if it didn’t work although it usually does. It’s certainly a tough spot to be in but God understands.

 

[sandusky1011]

Oh, and my favorite years with my kids were the baby years and teen years. It was the in between that was really hard with my independent, headstrong son (my daughter was so easy). It really boils down to personality of the children. I wouldn’t want to relive those years because they were really hard but I wouldn’t change anything either because they’re both great kids now. Our son is 21 and daughter is 18 now. Life would be very boring without them.

 

[Pray4Life]

The Church doesn’t hate you. Clearly this is not a choice of yours but something that is making you very unhappy, which you didn’t even know about at the time you married. Even if it WAS a choice, the Church STILL wouldn’t hate you. There may be individuals who are less than sympathetic- that is true of many, many different people, not just those struggling on the subject of having children. You should never let people get between you and God! Why would you even consider leaving the fullness of Truth and the Real Presence of Christ because a certain niche isn’t being filled to your satisfaction? Maybe God is calling you to help address that niche yourself, through your own experience. This trial you are going through may be a tremendous help to others in your situation someday.

But aren’t you glad you didn’t listen to- or may not have met- the many, many women out there who are absolutely miserable being married? Who hate their lives and regret their choices? As Catholics, after all, we do not believe in divorce. This is a lifelong commitment, and marriage simply being unhappy is not grounds for an annulment. Aren’t you glad you did not decide the course of your own life based on THEIR feelings and decisions? Now why would you let some women’s dissatisfaction with motherhood decide for you about your own family’s choices? If these same people had been miserable in their marriages when you met your husband, would you have refused to marry him? Some people, women and men both, HATE being married. I’m very glad you and I are not among them!

Moreover, how did you know, before you married your husband, that you would like being a married woman? Have you been married to him before? Were you unaware that some people are not happy in their marriages? It took a bit of faith, didn’t it, to make that decision?

Well, it’s same for having children, really. You don’t know until you do it. I will level with you- no one on earth enjoys every aspect of parenting any more than every aspect of marriage. And yes, there are aspects of marriage I am sure you do not like, if you are honest with yourself. No 2 people get along perfectly ALL of the time. There will be times, as a mother, when you are miserable. Just as there are times, as a wife, when you are unhappy with your husband. And times when priests are unhappy with the demands of their vocation, or religious with theirs. It’s normal and it is not something to fear, and certainly not a reason to swear off ever making the effort. You have said yourself that even those of your friends who dislike their lives still love their children. There is still joy, even if they are going through a time in their children’s lives where there is also bitterness. Being a mother is entering another kind of lifelong relationship, with all the joys and sorrows that relating to another human being brings. The very fact that you are so concerned about being a good mother says that the raw material is there- someone who would not make a good mother would not give that much thought to it.

So far as the anxiety and panic, you need to continue to address those with a competent professional. If whomever you are seeing is not helping, then see someone else. If you are not seeing a* Catholic therapist or counselor, I strongly suggest you do so (you can contact your parish office for resources on this). However, I truly think that the only way to conquer your fear is to face it- which may indeed be by spending more time with children in a controlled environment. I also think you need to spend more time in the company of women who are happy* in their vocation. Allow yourself to see both sides of the coin, the joys as well as the complaints. Maybe start another thread in the Parenting forum on the things that make people happy about being parents. If you only let yourself see, or remember, the hard times, you are only feeding the problem and not giving yourself a fair chance at all.

And never, never stop praying. Cultivate a strong devotion to our Blessed Mother- someone else who took a leap of faith on the subject of having a child.

 

[Salonika]

Mark77:

It is truly naive to believe that self gratification & temporary personal pleasure are lasting & important! What is true is that our lives are measured by those times when we were called to give everything, despite the cost to us personally, not the times we had fun or were happy!

I am puzzled by this reaction to someone wondering whether they should have children or not. It seems to me that you are saying that only people with children can give fully despite the cost, but I may be wrong.

Where does that place those who cannot have children or those who give up parenthood eg priests and nuns and those who are single because they have never met a suitable partner?

Mark77:

Ask our Blessed Mother Mary why she said “yes” to God! i’m sure she has had many major anxiety attacks,but she did not have access to therapy from highly educated, yet mostly useless, psychologists.

I see no reason to eskew psychologists as a whole because of the lacks in some of them.

Mark77:

Do not buy into the lies we are sold 24/7, telling us we will be happy & fulfilled with material goods & pleasures.

I am puzzled why you bring this up as there is nothing I have read in WithoutChildren’s posts that suggest that the desire for material goods and pleasures are driving her concerns about having children.

Mark77:

Listen to your heart, you know that Jesus is calling you to be who He made you to be!!!

And that may or may not involve children - her own or other people’s. For some children the love of a uncle or aunt, cousin, or close family friend may be the most loving relationship they have.

 

[Salonika]

Pray4Life:

Moreover, how did you know, before you married your husband, that you would like being a married woman? Have you been married to him before? Were you unaware that some people are not happy in their marriages? It took a bit of faith, didn’t it, to make that decision?

Well, it’s same for having children, really.

Yes, it is up to a point but the there is also a difference. Introduce a baby into the situation and you have an utterly dependent individual who needs physical and emotional nurturing to develop. A child deserves two parents who both love them and can care for them (physically, emotionally and spiritually). If someone considers themself very unlikely to do this should they should defer having children.

How many marriages have fallen apart rather than being healed by the arrival of the child who the parents thought would solve everything?

Pray4Life:

The very fact that you are so concerned about being a good mother says that the raw material is there - someone who would not make a good mother would not give that much thought to it.

The raw material may be there or it may not be - having the concern does not prove it is there.

Pray4Life:

However, I truly think that the only way to conquer your fear is to face it- which may indeed be by spending more time with children in a controlled environment. I also think you need to spend more time in the company of women who are happy in their vocation. Allow yourself to see both sides of the coin, the joys as well as the complaints.

Agree, all states of life have their joys and concerns, good points and bad. Need to take off the rose coloured spectacles and the blinkers.

 

[monicatholic]

solonika, your views of childbearing/ childrearing seem at odds with the Church’s foundational view of children as the fruit and fulfilment of mututal self-giving, i.e., marriage:

Introduce a baby into the situation and you have an utterly dependent individual who needs physical and emotional nurturing to develop. A child deserves two parents who both love them and can care for them (physically, emotionally and spiritually). If someone considers themself very unlikely to do this should they should defer having children.

How many marriages have fallen apart rather than being healed by the arrival of the child who the parents thought would solve everything?

but the Church says:

2366 Fecundity is a gift, an end of marriage, for conjugal love naturally tends to be fruitful. A child does not come from outside as something added on to the mutual love of the spouses, but springs from the very heart of that mutual giving, as its fruit and fulfillment. So the Church, which is “on the side of life,” teaches that “it is necessary that each and every marriage act remain ordered per se to the procreation of human life.” “This particular doctrine, expounded on numerous occasions by the Magisterium, is based on the inseparable connection, established by God, which man on his own initiative may not break, between the unitive significance and the procreative significance which are both inherent to the marriage act.”

OP, I’m in agreement with 1ke. your mental health issues should be addressed. and (forgive me if this was addressed and I missed it) despite whatever reason, just or unjust, you may have for avoiding pregnancy, ABC is morally unacceptable:

2399 The regulation of births represents one of the aspects of responsible fatherhood and motherhood. Legitimate intentions on the part of the spouses do not justify recourse to morally unacceptable means (for example, direct sterilization or contraception).

2370 Periodic continence, that is, the methods of birth regulation based on self-observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality. These methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage tenderness between them, and favor the education of an authentic freedom. In contrast, “every action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible” is intrinsically evil:

Thus the innate language that expresses the total reciprocal self-giving of husband and wife is overlaid, through contraception, by an objectively contradictory language, namely, that of not giving oneself totally to the other. This leads not only to a positive refusal to be open to life but also to a falsification of the inner truth of conjugal love, which is called upon to give itself in personal totality. . . . The difference, both anthropological and moral, between contraception and recourse to the rhythm of the cycle . . . involves in the final analysis two irreconcilable concepts of the human person and of human sexuality.

 

[Pray4Life]

If someone considers themself very unlikely to do this should they should defer having children.

Did I say the contrary? Where? Encouraging the OP to consider her fears in the context of things she’s already familiar with is hardly telling her to just ignore all the issues she’s having- I believe my advice (for whatever it is worth) was, and continues to be, seeking help with a counselor and to expose herself to both aspects- positive as well as negative- of motherhood. Also I believe I mentioned Marian devotion.

How many marriages have fallen apart rather than being healed by the arrival of the child who the parents thought would solve everything?

I’m sorry, I must have missed the part where the OP said she was having marital problems, and also the part where I suggested having a baby would fix them. But you are quite right, that would be an ill-advised idea, if it is the case.

The raw material may be there or it may not be - having the concern does not prove it is there.

Is there anything that she has posted which DOES prove that it ISN’T there? I’m not sure where you’re taking issue with the idea that this concern would be a sign in her favor. I was under the impression that she does not WANT to feel the way she does, not that it is a decision she has come to which she is perfectly happy with. If I misunderstood, I apologize and hope the OP will set me straight. Otherwise, you apparently see her concern as meaningless in this regard, while I see it as a good thing, well, let us agree to disagree.

Peace! I’m not advocating ignoring anyone’s mental or emotional issues to maintain some status quo. Just offering one more perspective to the pot.

 

[Kindness]

To the OP it seems you have developed a phobia to children, but yet not babies and teenagers which seems unusual. I have never met anyone who has panic attacks around children and it definitely warrants professional medical help as it would be very sad indeed to live for the rest of your life avoiding all situations where you might encounter a child. It is surprising that you have waited so long to address this issue medically, 10 years since your marriage is a long time to be using NFP and suffering this kind of traumatic reaction. You also don’t really mention your husband or his thoughts and reactions. It appears from your post that you consider having a child and then parenting a child just your own choice and responsibility. As you are very happily married and have such a supportive husband the pair of you may want to go into conseling together when you have mental health help so that you can appreciate that you won’t be parenting alone and that you will be a family - not a mother and child with a husbamd hovering in the background.

Quote WithoutChildren: The problem with this statement is that, if it turns out to not be true, then I am on the hook for the rest of my life. And I have several very close female friends who have told me that they really hate their lives since having children. This is my biggest fear. What if I hate my life? :bighanky: …Everything I get when I try to talk to people in the Church about my issues is “suck it up…this is your job as a Catholic female…so just forget about it and get on with making babies.” And honestly, this really does not help at all. In fact, I have been so upset by this treatment lately that I am thinking about leaving the Catholic Church for some place that can be more helpful to me.

You have not mentioned how involved you are with your faith but I have never personally met a mother who “hates their life” since they had a child. Nor do I know any loving practicing Catholic who even thinks, let alone uses the phrase “suck it up” when someone is suffering. You may want to make some new friends. Your use of the phrases “on the hook for the rest of my life” and “what if I hate my life” focus on the absolute worst-case scenario when having children. It really doesn’t seem that you have any hope or joy associated with children and family life. If you are a practicing Catholic you are “on the hook for the rest of your life” with your loving and devoted husband.

The church teaches that children are a gift from God, but you seem to have a great fear of loss of control and the need to control your fertility at all costs. There is no guarantee that you would conceive a child should you be healed pschologically enough to decide to try to become pregnant. It is rare to use NFP for so long without conceiving so you may struggle to conceive a child naturally.

It appears you are frightened to be vulnerable and to let anyone else be dependant upon you. I wonder if you have really made a complete tranisition to adulthood sucsessfully as it is almost as if you would prefer to stay in an adolescent state where you have freedom but no responsibilty towards others. I hope that does not sound unkind . It definitely seems you need intervention and intense therapy involving your spouse. You have waited a long time to get help and appear to have strong avoidant tendencies. You appear to think children are a punishment and not a gift. It is also a normal human reaction to have fears about the future. i definitely had some fears about motherhood as it was such an unknown to me, but as another poster mentioned so is marriage.

I am a wife and mother. My husband and I are happily married with 3 children. Both my own parents died when I was a teenager and so I have definitely experienced challenges when mothering and parenting. I also could not imagine my life without our children. I was (and am) a very independent person and I did not really have any major domestic skills . But children are amazingly forgiving and adaptable, they love you unconditionally with all your flaws. I would hate you to miss out of some of life’s most enriching, meaningful and fun experiences due to fear. Please get the help you need so that you can freely make these choices with your spouse and not be controlled by fear and anxiety.

Please also pray every day with your husband and become active in the church so that you can experience God’s love and know you are strong and complete enough to take the step to parent a child should that be God’s will.

 

[Salonika]

Originally Posted by Pray4Life:

Moreover, how did you know, before you married your husband, that you would like being a married woman? Have you been married to him before? Were you unaware that some people are not happy in their marriages? It took a bit of faith, didn’t it, to make that decision?
Well, it’s same for having children, really.

Reply by Salonika:

Yes, it is up to a point but the there is also a difference. Introduce a baby into the situation and you have an utterly dependent individual who needs physical and emotional nurturing to develop. A child deserves two parents who both love them and can care for them (physically, emotionally and spiritually). If someone considers themself very unlikely to do this should they should defer having children.

Rely byPray4Life:

Did I say the contrary? Where? Encouraging the OP to consider her fears in the context of things she’s already familiar with is hardly telling her to just ignore all the issues she’s having- I believe my advice (for whatever it is worth) was, and continues to be, seeking help with a counselor and to expose herself to both aspects- positive as well as negative- of motherhood. Also I believe I mentioned Marian devotion.

My point was that I do not see the two situations (getting married and having a child) to be parallel and therefore different criteria should apply. The decision to get married involves two adults, the decision to have a child introduces a third person into the situation – a baby who is particularly vulnerable.

It’s the word “same” that I have problems with –“similar” may be more accurate.
Originally posted by Salonika:

How many marriages have fallen apart rather than being healed by the arrival of the child who the parents thought would solve everything?

Reply by Pray4Life:

I’m sorry, I must have missed the part where the OP said she was having marital problems, and also the part where I suggested having a baby would fix them. But you are quite right, that would be an ill-advised idea, if it is the case.

These were two general comments relating to the theme of this thread – whether to have children if you seriously consider that you would not be able to take on the role - not to the individual situation of the OP who has made it clear that she and husband are in a loving and supportive relationship.
Originally posted by Pray4Life:

The very fact that you are so concerned about being a good mother says that the raw material is there - someone who would not make a good mother would not give that much thought to it.

Reply by Salonika:

The raw material may be there or it may not be - having the concern does not prove it is there

Maybe the difference between us here is that I see warning signs where you hopeful signs. Probably tells more us and our experiences as I commented earlier in the thread than anything else.

Pray4Life:

Peace! I’m not advocating ignoring anyone’s mental or emotional issues to maintain some status quo. Just offering one more perspective to the pot.

Pray4Life, Look forward to your future offerings in this thread. Wouldn’t have replied in such detail to to your comments if I wasn’t sure you have the OP’s best interests at heart.
Salonika

 

[ac_claire]

You have not mentioned how involved you are with your faith but I have never personally met a mother who “hates their life” since they had a child. Nor do I know any loving practicing Catholic who even thinks, let alone uses the phrase “suck it up” when someone is suffering. You may want to make some new friends. Your use of the phrases “on the hook for the rest of my life” and “what if I hate my life” focus on the absolute worst-case scenario when having children. It really doesn’t seem that you have any hope or joy associated with children and family life. If you are a practicing Catholic you are “on the hook for the rest of your life” with your loving and devoted husband.

To the OP: just wanted to second what Kindness wrote here. What you’re describing, and the terminology, indicates a worst-case scenario that is very, very unlikely to happen. It’s very rare that a person doesn’t bond with their baby. I’ve personally never seen it. And I wouldn’t take the “I hate my life” comments at face value…sounds more like they’re using some hyperbole/exaggeration to illustrate their point- which is how frustrated they are in that moment for whatever reason. We all say things like that, you know? I would never look at those statements as definitive judgements on the choices theyve made in their lives.

 

[crazzeto]

The Church can’t hate you any more than God can hate you, and God became man just so that he can die on a cross for you. So no, the Church doesn’t hate you. That doesn’t really answer the underlying the question, which is are you still in God’s good grace after 10 years of not having childeren. The answer is, it depends.

How did you manage to stay child free for 10 years? Did it involve artificial birth control? If so, then you should know that all such devices and methods (yes, even condoms) are intrisicly evil, there for the methods your using to stay child free are evil no matter what the reasoning for not wanting childeren is. Abortion of course would also be an intrisic evil, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve had one so I think we can skip right by that one.

On the other hand, are you practicing NFP? For some this is a bit of a grey area, I would say that based upon my best understanding of NFP and the principals behind it, usage doesn’t involve grave matter… Ever. So you would likely be just fine here.

If you’re currently using ABC methods, I would discontinue such usage immedatly. I would also go to your nearest confessional and have a good talk with your preist assuming you haven’t been making regular use of your confessional. Usage of ABC, even while married is grave matter there for you should not be receiving communion with out first confessing your sin(s).

Next step, is I would get enrolled in an NFP class if you really want to continue with not having childeren. But honestly, I think the best advice here is to square with why you so desperatly don’t want childeren. The desire to bring new life in this world is both natural and powerful normally, so it would be a good idea to sit down and hash out why exactly it is you’re trying to fight these instincts. It would be best, obviously just to give your self over to God in this matter, and allow what he wills to happen. I can assure you that if you fully empty your self of your personal expectations, and throw your self completely into what God wants you’re not going to be dissapointed.

 

[pelancha]

The Church doesn’t hate you. Clearly this is not a choice of yours but something that is making you very unhappy, which you didn’t even know about at the time you married. Even if it WAS a choice, the Church STILL wouldn’t hate you. There may be individuals who are less than sympathetic- that is true of many, many different people, not just those struggling on the subject of having children. You should never let people get between you and God! Why would you even consider leaving the fullness of Truth and the Real Presence of Christ because a certain niche isn’t being filled to your satisfaction? Maybe God is calling you to help address that niche yourself, through your own experience. This trial you are going through may be a tremendous help to others in your situation someday.

But aren’t you glad you didn’t listen to- or may not have met- the many, many women out there who are absolutely miserable being married? Who hate their lives and regret their choices? As Catholics, after all, we do not believe in divorce. This is a lifelong commitment, and marriage simply being unhappy is not grounds for an annulment. Aren’t you glad you did not decide the course of your own life based on THEIR feelings and decisions? Now why would you let some women’s dissatisfaction with motherhood decide for you about your own family’s choices? If these same people had been miserable in their marriages when you met your husband, would you have refused to marry him? Some people, women and men both, HATE being married. I’m very glad you and I are not among them!

Moreover, how did you know, before you married your husband, that you would like being a married woman? Have you been married to him before? Were you unaware that some people are not happy in their marriages? It took a bit of faith, didn’t it, to make that decision?

Well, it’s same for having children, really. You don’t know until you do it. I will level with you- no one on earth enjoys every aspect of parenting any more than every aspect of marriage. And yes, there are aspects of marriage I am sure you do not like, if you are honest with yourself. No 2 people get along perfectly ALL of the time. There will be times, as a mother, when you are miserable. Just as there are times, as a wife, when you are unhappy with your husband. And times when priests are unhappy with the demands of their vocation, or religious with theirs. It’s normal and it is not something to fear, and certainly not a reason to swear off ever making the effort. You have said yourself that even those of your friends who dislike their lives still love their children. There is still joy, even if they are going through a time in their children’s lives where there is also bitterness. Being a mother is entering another kind of lifelong relationship, with all the joys and sorrows that relating to another human being brings. The very fact that you are so concerned about being a good mother says that the raw material is there- someone who would not make a good mother would not give that much thought to it.

So far as the anxiety and panic, you need to continue to address those with a competent professional. If whomever you are seeing is not helping, then see someone else. If you are not seeing a* Catholic therapist or counselor, I strongly suggest you do so (you can contact your parish office for resources on this). However, I truly think that the only way to conquer your fear is to face it- which may indeed be by spending more time with children in a controlled environment. I also think you need to spend more time in the company of women who are happy* in their vocation. Allow yourself to see both sides of the coin, the joys as well as the complaints. Maybe start another thread in the Parenting forum on the things that make people happy about being parents. If you only let yourself see, or remember, the hard times, you are only feeding the problem and not giving yourself a fair chance at all.

And never, never stop praying. Cultivate a strong devotion to our Blessed Mother- someone else who took a leap of faith on the subject of having a child.

WOW!!! this is the BEST and MOST Christian-well-responded post. Reading all this, I kept looking for a way to make a comment but I’m so glad your response was very complete and appropriate. As a Christian, we have to look for help and answers not in friends or “other people” but in the church! because as a Christian you have to follow “CHRIST PATH” and the church is the ONLY WAY!

Thank you for that beautiful and respectful response to this person in need of an answer. I hope you can answer to some questions I have.

 

[ahollars]

**A song of ascents. Of Solomon. Unless the LORD build the house, they labor in vain who build. Unless the LORD guard the city, in vain does the guard keep watch.
It is vain for you to rise early and put off your rest at night, To eat bread earned by hard toil-- all this God gives to his beloved in sleep.
Children too are a gift from the LORD, the fruit of the womb, a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children born in one’s youth.
Blessed are they whose quivers are full. They will never be shamed contending with foes at the gate.

~Psalm 127~**

Marriage is ordered to the creation of new life. One cannot exist without the other. Parents with no children are blessed when they themselves are not the obstacle to having children. Their example lies in Abraham and Sarah, who waited for God to decide. Parents with children are blessed when they are fulfilling their duties to the best of their abilities. God knows who is really making the effort and who is not. Every parent is afraid before their child is born, and it really is different when you have your own. In fact, your perception of other people’s children will change as well.

OP, your fear is normal, but when has fear ever relieved any of us from our duty to perform His will? If you have no children, it will be because God decided it would not be good for you. God will never give you a cross to bear that would cause you to despair. To believe that is to believe in predestination, which Catholics have rejected. Children will bring you closer to God. There is nothing better than hearing your own 2-year-old first say the words, “I love you, Daddy (or Mommy)”.