Does the fourth commandments override scripture?

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Basically, what if Parents disown their grown and married child because their child is making decisions (that aren’t bad, but) against their wishes? What if the child is cut out from knowing a family member has died until after the fact? How should an adult child seeking God’s will deal with such situations? Does the commandment to honor your father and mother override the places in scripture where the saints talk about not having anything to do with evil doers (such as the second letter to John verse 10)? When should the child go no contact (if ever)? Thank you and God bless!
 
Mary67 said:
Basically, what if Parents disown their grown and married child because their child is making decisions (that aren’t bad, but) against their wishes?
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Well that depends on the situation. Sounds like maybe the parents have some problems. Normal people don’t disown their child because they “go against their wishes”.

So I’d evaluate the situation and be supportive of my parents if I could unless they were being Crazytown.
Mary67 said:
What if the child is cut out from knowing a family member has died until after the fact?
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That is quite sad.
Mary67 said:
How should an adult child seeking God’s will deal with such situations?
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The adult child should be self aware enough to know this isn’t about them. Something is wrong with a parent that does this without provocation and good reason. The child has to be the bigger person sometimes. And really there isn’t anything you can “do” about it.
Mary67 said:
Does the commandment to honor your father and mother override the places in scripture where the saints talk about not having anything to do with evil doers (such as the second letter to John verse 10)?
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We can honor our parents without being door mats or abuse targets. We don’t have an obligation to have any particular relationship with our parent as an adult if there are issues that point towards no contact.
Mary67 said:
When should the child go no contact (if ever)?
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That’s a prudential matter.
 
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What if the parent makes it a habit of withholding information about the health of family members and when confronted gets upset and tells the adult child that they “didn’t think [the child] wanted to talk to” them (the parent) because of previously being confronted by the child on their bad behavior?
 
I would suggest talking to a family counselor who is respectful to our faith, ask their priest for a recommend. It will provide the adult child with the tools to navigate these relationships and conversations.

Also, I would advise the adult child to open direct lines of communication with their other family members.
 
I am trying to weigh the situation and figure out what God might be asking me to do. I prayed about it consulted my Bible. But, from the scriptures it seems that the apostles and early Christians all told each other to not be open to “evil doers”.

I feel like I’m in a very difficult position, and my parents don’t care one jot about what I think or feel. In their minds I am to serve them even over the needs of my own family. I’m feeling very depressed and sad about the whole situation.

I thought I could trust even one person in my family and extended family to tell me when someone is sick, but it looks like my parents have twisted everyone’s arm to cut me out lest I do exactly what they want me to do and never get out of line according to their estimation.
 
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You’re not alone in this.

Something I did recently was to have my mother enrolled in Mass prayers for a year. I did not tell her this. But it’s my way of putting it in God’s hands - there is no risk to me in prayer and I can only trust in His grace to handle the situation. It’s beyond me; I cannot change another adult who doesn’t want to, and it would not be right to change for her demands.

She’s been using my father’s health issues to try to force contact too. Why he can’t tell me himself I don’t know. But I can’t make him change either, even if it would be for the best.

Are you married?
 
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Yes, I’m married. And your situation is what I’m dealing with too.

I suspect my mom has pathological narcissism (NPD). She has all the diagnostic signs of it though she had never been officially diagnosed since she refuses to go anywhere near a therapist.

If I cut her off then I won’t know if someone gets sick or dies, but if I keep low contact I feel seriously depressed and it effects my marriage since my husband gets depressed for me. I’m seeking help for my depression but it doesn’t make much of a difference because my depression is mainly circumstantial.
 
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Mary67 said:
If I cut her off then I won’t know if someone gets sick or dies
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Well then maybe that’s just how it has to be. Maybe work on making peace with that rather than trying to find a way to maintain contact with a seriously disturbed person.
 
Mary67 said:
And that fact breaks my heart.
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It does. It will. It’s like you’ve lost someone but they’re still there. And in some way you also lost someone who never was - the mother you want and should have had.

There’s no good way around that. But think of it as grieving, if that helps.
 
DarkLight said:
It’s like you’ve lost someone but they’re still there
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Exactly.
If I won’t be told when people die in my family, then I basically have to grieve the loss of my entire family including all my relatives. It’s absolutely heartbreaking and I am in disbelief that they hate me this much for becoming a functioning adult independent of them. For most parents they would be proud of that fact, but my parents think I’m punishing them by having my own life.
 
Practically speaking, you can read the newspaper death notices to see if your family members names appear.
 
Mary67 said:
If I cut her off then I won’t know if someone gets sick or dies, but if I keep low contact I feel seriously depressed and it effects my marriage since my husband gets depressed for me. I’m seeking help for my depression but it doesn’t make much of a difference because my depression is mainly circumstantial.
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If you truly care whether someone gets sick or dies I second opening direct lines of communication with the people you care about.
 
Mary67 said:
When should the child go no contact (if ever)? Thank you and God bless!
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If parents are abusive, then adult children can go no contact.

If parents are abusive and grandchildren are involved, the adult child might have to go no contact to protect their children. Depending on the toxicity of the parents toward their adult child, no contact (NC) might be expected from the point of holiness.

The abuse described sounds like the parents have a lack of healthy boundaries. For the adult child, no contact could convey that such unhealthy boundaries will not be tolerated. NC could be positive for both parties involved.

However, if an adult child would deeply regret being no contact, if the unhealthy parent were to become incapacitated or die, then it’s best to maintain some form of contact that promotes the healthiest boundaries possible for the toxic situation.
 
Also, no matter how much I care, if I can’t function as a wife, then I’m letting my husband down and he is my number one priority.
 
If every member of your extended family is abusive, please, seek out serious counseling. You need the help of a professional and the tools to overcome such deep abuse.
 
It’s a mistake to use select scripture out of time/context.

Here’s a good example?
If any one comes to me without hating his father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.


Do you really think Jesus wants you to hate your Father and Mother?
Of course not, but that’s exactly how many justify their no contact.

Instead of over analyzing, just ask yourself how would Jesus handle it.

Kids grow up and become adults. Adults make their own decisions, and while it may be a Cross you have to bear, unless they ask, it’s not your job to fix them.
 
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