Doing something wrong for the right reason

[cviolette]

I have struggled for awhile with my marriage. I have decided that I will divorce my husband but do not feel the timing is right. I want to give my kids one more year where we are a family.

It is killing me inside. The faking. The pretending to be a happy family. Makes me feel sick.

Lately, I have been struggling with guilt. I feel that I need to tell my husband and set him free. Give him a chance to start over, to move on. But then I think of my kids. That it is not the right time for them. My daughter starts high school in Sept. My second oldest son has just one more year left of high school.

But will the time ever be right? Over the last few days, I have felt that it is time to tell my husband. I feel at peace about it. But I am so scared that the peace is not real because I know how much I want to leave.

I pray all the time. Spend hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament. This is the first week that I feel at peace to tell my husband about the divorce. I even saw my divorce lawyer in mass today.

Not sure this post would help. But is it morally wrong to continue to fake it with my husband for the kids sake. Is it time to let go?

 

[Debora123]

I have struggled for awhile with my marriage. I have decided that I will divorce my husband but do not feel the timing is right. I want to give my kids one more year where we are a family.

It is killing me inside. The faking. The pretending to be a happy family. Makes me feel sick.

Lately, I have been struggling with guilt. I feel that I need to tell my husband and set him free. Give him a chance to start over, to move on. But then I think of my kids. That it is not the right time for them. My daughter starts high school in Sept. My second oldest son has just one more year left of high school.

But will the time ever be right? Over the last few days, I have felt that it is time to tell my husband. I feel at peace about it. But I am so scared that the peace is not real because I know how much I want to leave.

I pray all the time. Spend hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament. This is the first week that I feel at peace to tell my husband about the divorce. I even saw my divorce lawyer in mass today.

Not sure this post would help. But is it morally wrong to continue to fake it with my husband for the kids sake. Is it time to let go?

If I may ask, why do you want to divorce your husband?

I don’t mean to sound judgemental or like I’m butting into your marriage, but please remember that marriage is a sacred lifelong commitment and a promise to God and to each other to be together “until death do us part.”

Leaving your spouse isn’t something that should happen unless you have severe reasons and have already tried (but failed) very hard to make things right.

God bless.

 

[Debora123]

I have struggled for awhile with my marriage. I have decided that I will divorce my husband but do not feel the timing is right. I want to give my kids one more year where we are a family.

It is killing me inside. The faking. The pretending to be a happy family. Makes me feel sick.

Lately, I have been struggling with guilt. I feel that I need to tell my husband and set him free. Give him a chance to start over, to move on. But then I think of my kids. That it is not the right time for them. My daughter starts high school in Sept. My second oldest son has just one more year left of high school.

But will the time ever be right? Over the last few days, I have felt that it is time to tell my husband. I feel at peace about it. But I am so scared that the peace is not real because I know how much I want to leave.

I pray all the time. Spend hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament. This is the first week that I feel at peace to tell my husband about the divorce. I even saw my divorce lawyer in mass today.

Not sure this post would help. But is it morally wrong to continue to fake it with my husband for the kids sake. Is it time to let go?

And to answer your question, yes, I think it sounds terribly cruel and misleading to go on acting like you’re still committed to him for a whole year when in the back of your mind you plan on dropping the bombshell to him that you’re going to leave him.

It seems like at the very least, this should be something you both talk about together, and in therapy… at least out of respect for the sacrament that is your marriage. I mean, does he need to be kept in the dark about your plans for a whole year? Is he a terribly abusive man?? Are you afraid for your safety?

Perhaps you simply haven’t given all the details, but this just seems horribly cold to me, like I’m missing some major detail that would make this whole thing make sense…

 

[JRKH]

It seems to me you are trying to do the right thing for the right reason…

Without knowing all of the pertinent details I don’t think anyone can give you any advice on which way to go with this. If you have a good spiritual councilor or confessor who you have been talking with, you probably need to address this with him.

It’s possible this “peace” that you have found is an indication that you are currently on the right track and should remain silent. It could mean that you should share with your husband your decision and as a result of said sharing he is moved to try to save the marriage (or not ) It’s just impossible for us to know…

keep praying and meditating on this matter.

Peace
James

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I have struggled for awhile with my marriage. I have decided that I will divorce my husband but do not feel the timing is right. I want to give my kids one more year where we are a family.

It is killing me inside. The faking. The pretending to be a happy family. Makes me feel sick.

Lately, I have been struggling with guilt. I feel that I need to tell my husband and set him free. Give him a chance to start over, to move on. But then I think of my kids. That it is not the right time for them. My daughter starts high school in Sept. My second oldest son has just one more year left of high school.

But will the time ever be right? Over the last few days, I have felt that it is time to tell my husband. I feel at peace about it. But I am so scared that the peace is not real because I know how much I want to leave.

I pray all the time. Spend hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament. This is the first week that I feel at peace to tell my husband about the divorce. I even saw my divorce lawyer in mass today.

Not sure this post would help. But is it morally wrong to continue to fake it with my husband for the kids sake. Is it time to let go?

I don’t think I can answer the question for you. But speaking of faking it…just tonight, I was wondering how my husband has faked his Catholicism for 20 years…He says the Creed, he sings “Oh Lord, you are the center of my life…” when he doesn’t even pray, let alone believe in anything like God or Jesus! I just wonder what he is thinking when he goes up and takes the Eucharist. Or says the Creed. I guess it’s worth it to him, to pretend so our kids don’t know he’s actually more of an atheist.

Anyway, that probably won’t help you but it just struck me when you talked about hating to have to fake it right now, pretend that you’re a happy family.

I am so sorry that you believe that leaving him and getting a divorce is your best option. From what you’ve said in the past, it probably is, but it still makes me sad.

 

[Vico]

I have struggled for awhile with my marriage. I have decided that I will divorce my husband but do not feel the timing is right. I want to give my kids one more year where we are a family.

It is killing me inside. The faking. The pretending to be a happy family. Makes me feel sick.

Lately, I have been struggling with guilt. I feel that I need to tell my husband and set him free. Give him a chance to start over, to move on. But then I think of my kids. That it is not the right time for them. My daughter starts high school in Sept. My second oldest son has just one more year left of high school.

But will the time ever be right? Over the last few days, I have felt that it is time to tell my husband. I feel at peace about it. But I am so scared that the peace is not real because I know how much I want to leave.

I pray all the time. Spend hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament. This is the first week that I feel at peace to tell my husband about the divorce. I even saw my divorce lawyer in mass today.

Not sure this post would help. But is it morally wrong to continue to fake it with my husband for the kids sake. Is it time to let go?

You have said the pretense is what is making you sick. Also that the fake is for the kids sake. And that you feel guilty. I think that means you feel guilty for pretending that you are “happy”?

It may be presumptive for the family to think you are happy. Would it destroy the family to know you are not happy, but yet remain married for sake of good?

There are some reasons for separation in a valid Catholic marriage, especially if it is abusive, or there has has been adultery, and other intolerable conditions. There may be such things and I am not asking for you to mention them.

ARTICLE 2: SEPARATION WHILE THE BOND REMAINS Canon 1151 Spouses have the obligation and the right to maintain their common conjugal life, unless a lawful reason excuses them.
Canon 1152.1 It is earnestly recommended that a spouse, motivated by christian charity and solicitous for the good of the family, should not refuse to pardon an adulterous partner and should not sunder the conjugal life. Nevertheless, if that spouse has not either expressly or tacitly condoned the other’s fault, he or she has the right to sever the common conjugal life, provided he or she has not consented to the adultery, nor been the cause of it, nor also committed adultery.
Canon 1152.2 Tacit condonation occurs if the innocent spouse, after becoming aware of the adultery, has willingly engaged in a marital relationship with the other spouse; it is presumed, however, if the innocent spouse has maintained the common conjugal life for six months, and has not had recourse to ecclesiastical or to civil authority.
Canon 1152.3 Within six months of having spontaneously terminated the common conjugal life, the innocent spouse is to bring a case for separation to the competent ecclesiastical authority. Having examined all the circumstances, this authority is to consider whether the innocent spouse can be brought to condone the fault and not prolong the separation permanently.
Canon 1153.1 A spouse who occasions grave danger of soul or body to the other or to the children, or otherwise makes the common life unduly difficult, provides the other spouse with a reason to leave, either by a decree of the local Ordinary or, if there is danger in delay, even on his or her own authority.
Canon 1153.2 In all cases, when the reason for separation ceases, the common conjugal life is to be restored, unless otherwise provided by ecclesiastical authority.
Canon 1154 When a separation of spouses has taken place, provision is always, and in good time, to be made for the due maintenance and upbringing of the children.
Canon 1155 The innocent spouse may laudably readmit the other spouse to the conjugal life, in which case he or she renounces the right to separation .

catholicdoors.com/misc/marriage/canonlaw.htm

 

[Cristiano]

I decided today that I will be divorcing my husband. If I initiate the divorce but do not date, can I still receive the sacraments? I will be meeting with the priest but have a few things to do first. Right now I am working on my resume and getting a hold of my previous bosses. I want to have a job than file for divorce.

I have been leaving and chaos. I formed a plan today and it just feels right. I am excited to start a new life. One that I can control. When I got home, I search throw my desk and found an old resume. I thought I threw out all my work papers. So I feel this is a sign that I am making the right decision.

This is what you said a year ago. I think that you need to seek some kind of personal counseling. By the virtue of marriage your husband has to right to know what is going on. You cannot lie to a person like that for two years in a row. It is a lie because first you postpone the separation until you find a job, and then it is a lie because you postpone the separation because of the children. Do you really believe that your children will care too much if you stay married one more year once they find that you have been lying for two years? I think that you are wasting too much time looking for signs from God and chasing your feelings. You have objective moral obligations and it has been made clear to us Christians that we cannot do wrong for a so called “right” reason.

 

[LilyM]

Do you really think someone can be screaming miserable inside, yet fake it so well on the outside - day in, day out for a whole year - that neither their husband nor their children will figure it out? Are you sure they don’t know (or at least suspect) your unhappiness already?

And what exactly do you think you will achieve by waiting? Sure, your son will no longer be in final year high school, instead he will probably be in first year of further education, or first year in a new job, or goodness knows where. I can’t see it really being less problematic either way.

 

[constantconvert]

I wonder if you have ever been happy in your marriage. There have been studies that if you can stick out any patch of trouble for 3 years, you most likely will get it worked out. I think you are feeling “sick” because you are of two minds. Half of you is already resolved to go, while the other half has to make it look like you’re going to stay.

I am in a very bad marriage, have been for two decades. I have been in your shoes, thinking “OK, at X date, I’m outta here.” For me, it was impossible to maintain that double minded thinking. My youngest is 9 and I’ve decided that if my marriage is still really horrible, then I’ll regroup after he graduates from high school. I think unless there is a lot of fighting, abuse, adultery, or some kind of addiction, it’s best for the kids if you can stick it out.

Make a commitment to stay, and try to invest as much as you can in your marriage, even if you’re depleted.

No I don’t think you’re wrong to fake it, but I couldn’t do it. I would try to stay as long as you can, but I don’t think you’ll be able to stay for very long if you have your mind set on leaving. I would put off leaving and find help for yourself, if your husband won’t try to improve your marriage.

Try to hang in there.

 

[Catholic80]

I have struggled for awhile with my marriage. I have decided that I will divorce my husband but do not feel the timing is right. I want to give my kids one more year where we are a family.

It is killing me inside. The faking. The pretending to be a happy family. Makes me feel sick.

Lately, I have been struggling with guilt. I feel that I need to tell my husband and set him free. Give him a chance to start over, to move on. But then I think of my kids. That it is not the right time for them. My daughter starts high school in Sept. My second oldest son has just one more year left of high school.

But will the time ever be right? Over the last few days, I have felt that it is time to tell my husband. I feel at peace about it. But I am so scared that the peace is not real because I know how much I want to leave.

I pray all the time. Spend hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament. This is the first week that I feel at peace to tell my husband about the divorce. I even saw my divorce lawyer in mass today.

Not sure this post would help. But is it morally wrong to continue to fake it with my husband for the kids sake. Is it time to let go?

It sounds like you are undergoing some severe temptations.

What you wrote doesn’t sound like it constitutes a divorce. Unhappiness is part of the “for worse” bit you took in your vows.

I one time asked a woman from India who had an arranged marriage how she felt about it. Her answer was interesting and very counter-western-cultural to say the least.
Their idea is first the marriage, and then the affection grows from their serving one another. They (her and her husband) went into the marriage knowing each other a little bit, but not a lot. So, they knew that there would be difficulties, things they would disagree on, times they would not get along or even like each other. BUT, the marriage was first, and their affection has grown over the years.

If you think that divorce will solve your unhappiness, think again. Unless you have some serious grounds that warrant a divorce, then it is going to have very negative consequences in your life, your husband’s life, and your children’s life.

What I find helps me in any bad relationship is serving the other. He’s not meeting your needs, but are you meeting his? Your marriage is not about what your husband can do for you, but what you can do for your husband (and children).

We are miserable when we focus on our unmet needs, because guess what? There is not ONE person on this earth who is completely fulfilled. That’s what heaven is for. This suffering is part of our exile. We were created for God and our hearts are longing for that fulfilled relationship until we get it. It won’t be met until we, God willing, enter into eternal life.

Love is meant to be given away. And when we give it away, it is painful… sometimes very painful… especially if that love is not reciprocated. But the point is to not turn inward to fill our aching hunger. That will only devour ourselves further and leave a huge hopeless void in us.

Love your husband.

 

[NiceMimi]

Well said Catholic80.

 

[SaintPatrick333]

I have struggled for awhile with my marriage. I have decided that I will divorce my husband but do not feel the timing is right. I want to give my kids one more year where we are a family.

It is killing me inside. The faking. The pretending to be a happy family. Makes me feel sick.

Lately, I have been struggling with guilt. I feel that I need to tell my husband and set him free. Give him a chance to start over, to move on. But then I think of my kids. That it is not the right time for them. My daughter starts high school in Sept. My second oldest son has just one more year left of high school.

But will the time ever be right? Over the last few days, I have felt that it is time to tell my husband. I feel at peace about it. But I am so scared that the peace is not real because I know how much I want to leave.

I pray all the time. Spend hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament. This is the first week that I feel at peace to tell my husband about the divorce. I even saw my divorce lawyer in mass today.

Not sure this post would help. But is it morally wrong to continue to fake it with my husband for the kids sake. Is it time to let go?

You need to speak to a Priest asap. If your marriage is valid and you do not qualify for an annulment then it’s gonna be tough luck. You made a promise to God to be with this man for better “or worse.” That’s a very serious vow. If you break this covenant with your husband you break it with God. This is serious sin. You need to speak to your Priest. You may very well have grounds for an annulment. But if your marriage was valid then you need to seek out family counseling with your husband and work through this. Otherwise you’ll be committing a very serious sin and your best bet would be to remain alone the rest of your life because no marriage you ever had after that could ever be valid cause in God’s eyes and the eyes of the Church you are still married to your husband.

Not trying to be mr negative but wanting to give you one outcome that may very well come to pass. Before you give up or feel hopesless about something talk to your Priest about it. He will be able to point you in the right direction. Just keep praying and whatever you do put God first. In every thought and action. God Bless!

 

[constantconvert]

You need to speak to a Priest asap. If your marriage is valid and you do not qualify for an annulment then it’s gonna be tough luck. You made a promise to God to be with this man for better “or worse.” That’s a very serious vow. If you break this covenant with your husband you break it with God. This is serious sin. You need to speak to your Priest. You may very well have grounds for an annulment. But if your marriage was valid then you need to seek out family counseling with your husband and work through this. Otherwise you’ll be committing a very serious sin and your best bet would be to remain alone the rest of your life because no marriage you ever had after that could ever be valid cause in God’s eyes and the eyes of the Church you are still married to your husband.

Not trying to be mr negative but wanting to give you one outcome that may very well come to pass. Before you give up or feel hopesless about something talk to your Priest about it. He will be able to point you in the right direction. Just keep praying and whatever you do put God first. In every thought and action. God Bless!

I don’t think annulment is really the issue. She won’t know whether she qualifies for an annulment until she’s already divorced. Besides if it has always been a bad marriage she probably would never want to marry again. If something happened to my husband I wouldn’t even THINK about having another marriage, EVER. But speaking to a priest is an excellent suggestion.

 

[JRKH]

I don’t think annulment is really the issue. She won’t know whether she qualifies for an annulment until she’s already divorced. Besides if it has always been a bad marriage she probably would never want to marry again. If something happened to my husband I wouldn’t even THINK about having another marriage, EVER. But speaking to a priest is an excellent suggestion.

Is this actually so???
it seems to me that it would be reasonably easy to find out the potential grounds for an annulment, and then to speak with a councilor/confessor/adviser about it.
Granted, one cannot apply for an annulment until after a civil divorce is complete…but that is different than looking into the matter to see if one might “qualify”.
Just curious…

Peace
James

 

[JRKH]

It sounds like you are undergoing some severe temptations.

What you wrote doesn’t sound like it constitutes a divorce. Unhappiness is part of the “for worse” bit you took in your vows.

I one time asked a woman from India who had an arranged marriage how she felt about it. Her answer was interesting and very counter-western-cultural to say the least.
Their idea is first the marriage, and then the affection grows from their serving one another. They (her and her husband) went into the marriage knowing each other a little bit, but not a lot. So, they knew that there would be difficulties, things they would disagree on, times they would not get along or even like each other. BUT, the marriage was first, and their affection has grown over the years.

If you think that divorce will solve your unhappiness, think again. Unless you have some serious grounds that warrant a divorce, then it is going to have very negative consequences in your life, your husband’s life, and your children’s life.

**What I find helps me in any bad relationship is serving the other. He’s not meeting your needs, but are you meeting his? Your marriage is not about what your husband can do for you, but what you can do for your husband (and children). **

We are miserable when we focus on our unmet needs, because guess what? There is not ONE person on this earth who is completely fulfilled. That’s what heaven is for. This suffering is part of our exile. We were created for God and our hearts are longing for that fulfilled relationship until we get it. It won’t be met until we, God willing, enter into eternal life.

Love is meant to be given away. And when we give it away, it is painful… sometimes very painful… especially if that love is not reciprocated. But the point is to not turn inward to fill our aching hunger. That will only devour ourselves further and leave a huge hopeless void in us.

Love your husband.

This is a good post but I will provide one caveat from my own experience…
Yes it is good to focus on the good of the other - serving the other and meeting their needs as you put it above. However in some cases/relationships, this can only go on for so long. If the other is not giving something back, you can wind up completely used up, dried out and empty. There comes a point where you have nothing left to give…The well is dry…

Now I’m not saying this is always the case - or even most often the case - but it does happen. There are “takers” out there. People so wrapped up in themselves that they see nothing else. Everything is there for their benefit - period. They manipulate and use people up and then move on…They don’t see it, but it’s true.

If one has a strong spiritual life - perhaps one can survive - otherwise, getting out is the only reasonable option.

Sorry for the vent…

Peace
James

 

[constantconvert]

Is this actually so???
it seems to me that it would be reasonably easy to find out the potential grounds for an annulment, and then to speak with a councilor/confessor/adviser about it.
Granted, one cannot apply for an annulment until after a civil divorce is complete…but that is different than looking into the matter to see if one might “qualify”.
Just curious…

Yes, you can of course see if you have potential grounds. I just meant that you won’t know for sure if you’ll be granted one until you apply, so divorcing in hope of getting an annulment isn’t a good bet. You’re better off treating the two as separate issues, and not counting on annulment as an additional motive for divorce.

 

[severus68]

I have struggled for awhile with my marriage. I have decided that I will divorce my husband but do not feel the timing is right. I want to give my kids one more year where we are a family.

It is killing me inside. The faking. The pretending to be a happy family. Makes me feel sick.

Lately, I have been struggling with guilt. I feel that I need to tell my husband and set him free. Give him a chance to start over, to move on. But then I think of my kids. That it is not the right time for them. My daughter starts high school in Sept. My second oldest son has just one more year left of high school.

But will the time ever be right? Over the last few days, I have felt that it is time to tell my husband. I feel at peace about it. But I am so scared that the peace is not real because I know how much I want to leave.

I pray all the time. Spend hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament. This is the first week that I feel at peace to tell my husband about the divorce. I even saw my divorce lawyer in mass today.

Not sure this post would help. But is it morally wrong to continue to fake it with my husband for the kids sake. Is it time to let go?

I have no answers for you but will say a prayer for God’s guidance for you to help you make your decision. I know from your past posts what you have been going through. God bless.

 

[cviolette]

Just a few quick replies because I am leaving in a few minutes. I respond more later.

I do plan on trying to get an annulment. I have several grounds based on my state when I was married without even getting into my husband’s issues. I will have plenty of witnesses for my sexual and emotional abuse from my childhood. My no clue on what a marriage is like. Not having God in my life when I was married. Addiction problems. Whether or not I get an annulment, I will remarry. My marriage has been awful but I have seen what a real marriage can be like and I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.

I know my kids have seen a change in me. Since I have had therapy and dealt with some of my past issue and have returned to God, I am a very different person. In a sense, happier and healthier than I have ever been. My struggles are with my husband. There is nothing there. I do my best to avoid him. I was just hire for two jobs and will be working every weekend. But I can’t avoid him forever and it has been an unhealthy place for me when I try to work it out. I don’t hate him but I don’t trust him and he creates too much chaos in my life. At 45, I want some stability. I want off the stupid rollercoaster I have been on for 21 years.

From previous post, I have been on again, off again with the divorce. But since last August, I made the decision to stop working on the marriage. It was too painful and hopeless.

As for seeing a priest, my priest knows my husband and they talk. It would be uncomfortable. There is another priest in the area that I have been to several times with my spiritual issues. I plan on seeing him. I have just been nervous because he knows about all my faults but we never discussed my husband. He is a great priest and I will go see him.

 

[constantconvert]

I do plan on trying to get an annulment. I have several grounds based on my state when I was married without even getting into my husband’s issues. I will have plenty of witnesses for my sexual and emotional abuse from my childhood. My no clue on what a marriage is like. Not having God in my life when I was married. Addiction problems. Whether or not I get an annulment, I will remarry. My marriage has been awful but I have seen what a real marriage can be like and I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.

I don’t understand. In God’s eyes if you didn’t receive an annulment and remarried you’d be committing adultery. Yikes. You seem to be sure you could get an annulment, but would you really remarry if you couldn’t? You would give up the sacraments? Wow. I don’t know what to say to that.

it has been an unhealthy place for me when I try to work it out.

What does this mean exactly? You mean it’s painful and unpleasant or something else? Have you tried counseling as a couple? Does your husband have any idea that you have given up on the marriage? In light of this post I think you need to let him know-- maybe it will spur him to try and improve things. I’m glad you are going to see your priest.

It seems as though you are dead set on divorce, so I don’t see that waiting a year is going to do anything but prolong havoc.

 

[Debora123]

Cviolette,

Perhaps I’m wrong, but it just seems like you don’t WANT to try to work things out and save your marriage, even if you could. It seems like you’re just tired of the man you married and want to be free of it and marry someone else.

Please correct me if I’m wrong. And what is sooo awful about your husband that you are so dead set on leaving him??

You NEED to have regular counsel with a priest (with your husband, and alone), and you sound like you need some professional help as well. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your marriage and your children.