Doing what a spouse asks

[ltbpoe43]

Put the chicken in the dishwasher and the utensils in the pasta. See how it goes?

No - I’m kidding. If these are the only types of things you got going on - you are a very lucky person. He’s he scared of germs or choking?

 

[JLCecilia]

Well, in my marriage, I am the particular one. My jaw dropped when the opening post referred to loading the dishwasher as the primary dilemma. This was something my brother insisted on w/ his wife when they were married - he had to have all the forks in one slot and facing down, the spoons in another . . . I believe the only reason I have lightened up about some things is b/c I have witnessed how overbearing and overinvolved my mother is w/ my father. Whenever dad is fixing supper, she is constantly hanging over his shoulder telling him how to do this and that without actually lending a hand. And as it turns out, supper is wonderful even if he didn’t constantly stir this or that!

There comes a point when being particular about things just becomes nagging. I used to hang over my husband w/ the dishes, my main thing being that he didn’t wipe up the water spots or rinse out the sink when he was finished. I soon came to realize that if I wanted him to continue helping w/ the chores, it was best to let him do the dishes and when he was done and onto his own thing (so he didn’t see me coming in after him to ‘fix’ things), I would wipe up the water spots and rinse out the sink and all was right w/ the world again. I talked w/ a girl at work about this and she had the same issue w/ wiping up the puddles of water and she said she just took over doing the dishes. I figure it’s better to just come to some sort of compromise. It is much easier just to let it go and do my little part afterwards than to ‘do everything myself.’ I think often times women tend to do this b/c they are so particular about how the chores are done.

I have loosened up a bit about things like this and have learned to appreciate whatever help I get whether it’s done the way I like it or not. Better than doing it all on my own. Besides that, I think having a hand in the household chores, as grueling as it can be sometimes, definitely adds to each persons feeling of worth and place in the family and home. Why would you deprive them of this just to have things done ‘right.’

Just my thoughts. To put it in one word: COMPROMISE!!!

 

[puzzleannie]

why do I get the feeling this discussion is about something other than how to do the dishes and cut up the chicken? why not uncover, discuss and resolve the real issues and stop using the dishes as an excuse to avoid doing so.

 

[KCT]

Even though all of these things I did to do things my husband’s way were small in and of themselves and should have been no big deal, the cumulative effect of having to spend so much time worrying about doing things in an exact way and worrying about his response if it wasn’t done just so, was just huge. It became completely exhausting.

Yep, I’m pretty exhausted. I’ve contacted Greg Popcak about tele - counseling. I’m fairly certain my husband will agree to it.
—KCT

 

[Katie1723]

I had to chuckle a bit here. I remember when my now ex and I first got married, he said when I was doing the wash, that his mother ALWAYS ironed his jeans. I told him I am not his mother and if he wanted his jeans ironed, ask his mom.

Kathy

 

[whatevergirl]

If your husband told you how to wash the dishes, would you do it his way? Would you load the dishwasher his way? If he told you how to wash the grill utensils and put them back, would you do it? If he wanted the chicken in his pasta cut diagonal rather than cubed, would you do it?

How far does one go? Where is the line? —KCT

If I felt he was telling me these things to be helpful and to make my life easier…yes, I would. But, if I felt he just nit picks and wants to control me…we’d be having a long talk.

 

[whatevergirl]

I had to chuckle a bit here. I remember when my now ex and I first got married, he said when I was doing the wash, that his mother ALWAYS ironed his jeans. I told him I am not his mother and if he wanted his jeans ironed, ask his mom.

Kathy

they say we sometimes want to marry images of our parents?

 

[dulcissima]

Yep, I’m pretty exhausted. I’ve contacted Greg Popcak about tele - counseling. I’m fairly certain my husband will agree to it.
—KCT

That would be great if he would agree to it. Good luck. You are in my prayers.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Since you said “Ex” I’m guessing you are talking to me. Yes, my counselor does say he likely has OCD as well as some other disorders.

Yes I was, sorry about the lack of clarification. Part I about OCD was you, part II about what I’d do is for KCT.

 

[rayne89]

Well, in my marriage, I am the particular one. My jaw dropped when the opening post referred to loading the dishwasher as the primary dilemma. This was something my brother insisted on w/ his wife when they were married - he had to have all the forks in one slot and facing down, the spoons in another . . .

Obviously your brother is mistaken forks should be facing up, only knives face down.

 

[rayne89]

My FIL is very much like this -everything has to be done in a certain way. My MIL does everything just so -yikes I would lose my mind.

My husband had some perculiarities early on our marriage but he pretty much gave up because I just couldn’t conform. I have such a laid back, disorganized, unstructured personality type, I wasn’t balking at his suggestions I just couldn’t get with the program.
When he was in the military I did fold his uniforms the way they were supposed to be according to the way he was trained to do it. That’s about the only thing I can think of.

If your husband’s requests are exhausting you there is definitely a problem and out its of the range of normal.

 

[sanctareparata]

If your husband told you how to wash the dishes, would you do it his way?

No. I am the “keeper of the kitchen”, not him. Therefore, the kitchen is pretty much my territory and he lets me do whatever I want in it. I do occasionally tell DH how to wash dishes, only when I notice he doesn’t realize how to take certain sippy cups apart to clean them properly or he’s using WAAAAY too much rinse water - as in the faucet is turned on much too high.

Would you load the dishwasher his way?

We don’t have a dishwasher. Even if we did, he wouldn’t care how it was loaded so long as they were washed regularly.

If he told you how to wash the grill utensils and put them back, would you do it?

Yes - the grill and anything outdoors is “his” domain. If he knows how he likes his utensils to be cleaned, then I’ll do it that way.

If he wanted the chicken in his pasta cut diagonal rather than cubed, would you do it?

Depends on how he asked. I would most likely do it because I completely understand why one would prefer that - I for one hate eating cubed meats (don’t ask me why - just a weird texture thing of feeling that cube in my mouth ). I also hate eating certain shapes of pasta even though they all taste the same (don’t get me started on angel hair or penne pasta (yuck!))

How far does one go? Where is the line? —KCT

I guess it depends on what you think is him being just picky about certain things for legitimate reasons or if you think he’s being controlling. I for one can’t really understand why some husbands are picky about the way dishes or washed or laundry is done or towels are folded. That’s just strange to me.

 

[Katie1723]

they say we sometimes want to marry images of our parents?

Oh my goodness…I sure hope not. Besides he is now someone elses problem.
Kathy

 

[KCT]

It wasn’t exactly how they were to be cleaned . . . after grilling out, I was going to take the 2 utensils I used up to the kitchen, wash them, bring them back out to the grill, and put them in the case w/ the others. Hubby wanted me to carry the case up stairs, put the clean utensils in the case and bring the case back down. We both use the grill; it’s not “his”.

It would be comparable to me telling him what order to empty the dishwasher - bowls, first, then cups etc. --KCT

 

[KCT]

At any rate, the answers have been helpful, thank you!

While it’s good to know that there are many particular people out there, I’ve also been dealing personal situations related to dh that I would not mention on a message board. Enough things have happened that I do believe dh has issues that need to be dealt with.

I heard back from Greg Pocak and plan to puruse it when dh gets home from his business trip. —KCT

 

[sanctareparata]

It wasn’t exactly how they were to be cleaned . . . after grilling out, I was going to take the 2 utensils I used up to the kitchen, wash them, bring them back out to the grill, and put them in the case w/ the others. Hubby wanted me to carry the case up stairs, put the clean utensils in the case and bring the case back down. We both use the grill; it’s not “his”.

It would be comparable to me telling him what order to empty the dishwasher - bowls, first, then cups etc. --KCT

wow.

i’ll pray that things go smoothly when you talk to your hubby.

 

[imamom]

I just suggest reading Proverbs 31, it has helped me so much. And lots of prayers for your DH!

 

[imamom]

I heard back from Greg Pocak and plan to puruse it when dh gets home from his business trip. —KCT

Greg Popcak is awesome

 

[sanctareparata]

I just suggest reading Proverbs 31

Obviously she’s having bigger problems than she told us. Implying that Proverbs 31 will take care of all her problems is like telling her that she’s not yet holy enough to be able to endure the controlling and (what I think seems to be belittling) nature of her husband.

Just my :twocents:

 

[imamom]

Obviously she’s having bigger problems than she told us. Implying that Proverbs 31 will take care of all her problems is like telling her that she’s not yet holy enough to be able to endure the controlling and (what I think seems to be belittling) nature of her husband.

Just my :twocents:

Oh I didn’t mean it this way. Gee whiz!

There sure is a lot of hostility in this CATHOLIC forum I thought this was supposed to be a nice Christian/Catholic place.