I find it disturbing that some people tell other people how to do things which they:
- Don’t do themselves
- Don’t even see being done
- Can’t back up with any arguments suggesting a different outcome
Personally, I believe that if someone can’t come up with any difference in the effect, or in the cost of operation, or the time spent, he should get a grip of himself and let those who do things do it their way. Unless maybe it affects him more than it does other people.
Let’s say I want to peel the potatoes using the peeler, but someone wants me to use a knife instead. Since there’s practically no difference in the outcome, the potatoes won’t come any faster if I use a knife, I conclude the request is not rational and I’m not going to heed it.
On the other hand, someone’s bugging me about the proper way of doing something he has more expertise in than I do. Since he’s the expert, let him be the boss so long as he isn’t
obviously making things up and being annoying.
Same way if I were making someone a coffee and he wanted it done some particularly odd way, well, that would be his coffee, so who am I to interfere. If he wants it with pepper or lemon, it’s his right - he drinks it.
Cutting meat this way or that way affects all those who will eat it (in terms of looks and taste). As such a single person out of those shouldn’t normally have the authority to make the decision. Therefore such a request is dictatorial. As such, I’d be naturally inclined to oppose it, on principle. Unless it came from a cook, a housewife, I don’t know… anyone with any claim to authority in the matter. But not just one of the “eaters” wanting his way. He isn’t an expert (unless he is), he isn’t the sole person affected, he isn’t the boss, either.
Don’t get me wrong… I would even wear something my company thought I looked nice in, just to make them happy. But I don’t think it’s good to be ordered around by people who have neither the authority to do so, nor the expertise to know what they’re talking about.
If I were in a situation like yours, I would never bow down to unreasonable “orders” (strong requests), not even once for the sake of avoiding conflict. Avoiding precedents, not giving false hopes of a permanent ordering-around, and all. However, I would pay special attention to treating the person’s legitimate wishes with all due consideration and leaving the person enough of a decisive role in his life and in the life we shared. Some people will make such unreasonable requests to mark their influence, others will do it to assert control. If they assert control, I suppose they must meet opposition (I may be wrong), but if they want to mark their influence, make sure they have some part in decision-making, then I would allow them. I would also try to be compassionate towards polite, meek requests (“would you be so kind as to…”, “
please…”, “would you mind if we…”). I sometimes go as far as training people in this kind of thing if I can’t get along with how they handle it. Sometimes it works. People can be surprisingly logical if you show them something they’ve been missing so far.
My reasoning is this: sometimes the wife does something the husband can’t, sometimes it goes the other way round. But the two are affected at each time. It’s not really right or necessary that the “maker” should always dictate how it’s done. As in the electronics work the guy’s way, food’s done the lady’s way and so on. Doesn’t have to be like that. It’s no wonder people want to have a say in things they don’t do personally, but are affected by. Now, if it doesn’t make practical difference or if it’s a barked order and not a polite request, well, that’s bad.
Now, keep in mind I’m no psychologist. I’m a lawyer, I concentrate on what people have the right to, what’s reasonable and similar criteria. I may occasionally miss some emotional stuff and that might be the case with your husband. Guys can be emotional too.
I thought this was supposed to be a nice Christian/Catholic place.
