Domestic abuse, absent priest...I need help

  • Thread starter Thread starter Lots2Learn
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

Lots2Learn

Guest
OK…I have debated about posting this for more than a week. I just have so many questions and I am very confused.
On Oct. 30th, my dh and I got in an argument that escalated very quickly and he became violent. In the past we have (mostly me) pushed the other person during arguments, but never anything more. Well, this particular argument turned violent very quickly and I now have a broken leg, with a cast from my mid-thigh to my ankle…
He called 911 and an ambulance took me to the hospital and the sheriff took him to jail. He is in counseling, living w/some very gracious friends and dealing w/the justice system.
I on the other hand, don’t know what to do. He meant to throw me down and hurt me, but he didn’t have any intention of breaking a bone. I have put off thinking much about whether to separate or try and work things out until I am able to stand on my own two feet…literally. I have been strong in voicing that I am not comfortable w/him being here and I have done nothing to have the mandatory restraining order lifted.
Before this happened, I struggled w/discerning what God wants me to do. I had come to the conclusion (thanks to someone on these boards posting an article about discernment by Peter Kreeft) that being married is my cross to bear. I had made my decision and asked God to please tell me if it was the right one. One week later I had a broken leg. I don’t necessarily believe in “signs”, but I try to listen to Him speak to me.
Which brings me to the absent priest. I have called him a couple of times and he wants to me meet w/me and dh, but he is very passive in working out a time to see me. I feel really abandoned by him, and I truly want his guidance. I haven’t sought counseling or anything because I want his suggestions.
He will not be able to meet w/me until after Thanksgiving. That’s almost a month after this happened. I can’t drive, so it’s hard to get in to see him on short notice…not that he as asked me to do so. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?
Does anyone have a novena that would fit this situation. I have talked to God alot, but no formal prayer…my mind starts wandering when I start the rosary, so I haven’t tried that for several days.

I don’t know what I am going to do, so please be kind in your responses. And I usually feel unworthing asking for prayers, but I have learned I gain strength from knowing others are praying for me. So, please pray for me.

With much gratitude,
Lori
 
Of course, my prayers are with you. A domestic violence issue is the reason I came to this forum and I can say that I have been truly blessed by being here, so I hope you stay. You will grow in your faith here.

I asked for specific saints that I could ask for intercession on DV. St. Monica and St. Maria Goretti are 2 that kept coming up. There are more, but I’d have to go find that thread, which I can’t do right now. I hope that helps you.

And, have you been in contact with anyone from a domestic violence group? They are incredibly helpful.

God bless you. I hope this will be of some help to you. Know that there are many here who have been in your situation and we are all willing to help.
 
40.png
Lots2Learn:
OK…I have debated about posting this for more than a week. I just have so many questions and I am very confused.
On Oct. 30th, my dh and I got in an argument that escalated very quickly and he became violent. In the past we have (mostly me)

Do you mean that it was mostly YOU pushing HIM around? And now he finally pushed back?

pushed the other person during arguments, but never anything more. Well, this particular argument turned violent very quickly and I now have a broken leg, with a cast from my mid-thigh to my ankle…
He called 911 and an ambulance took me to the hospital and the sheriff took him to jail. He is in counseling, living w/some very gracious friends and dealing w/the justice system.
I on the other hand, don’t know what to do. He meant to throw me down and hurt me, but he didn’t have any intention of breaking a bone. I have put off thinking much about whether to separate or try and work things out until I am able to stand on my own two feet…literally. I have been strong in voicing that I am not comfortable w/him being here and I have done nothing to have the mandatory restraining order lifted.
Before this happened, I struggled w/discerning what God wants me to do. I had come to the conclusion (thanks to someone on these boards posting an article about discernment by Peter Kreeft) that being married is my cross to bear. I had made my decision and asked God to please tell me if it was the right one. One week later I had a broken leg. I don’t necessarily believe in “signs”, but I try to listen to Him speak to me.

Lori, not everything in life is about a spiritual crisis…sometimes situations are less about getting your prayer life in order & more about getting your life in order…

Which brings me to the absent priest. I have called him a couple of times and he wants to me meet w/me and dh, but he is very passive in working out a time to see me.

Very likely b/c he doesn’t feel comfortable or doesn’t feel qualified to address you situation?

I feel really abandoned by him, and I truly want his guidance. I haven’t sought counseling or anything because I want his suggestions.
He will not be able to meet w/me until after Thanksgiving. That’s almost a month after this happened. I can’t drive, so it’s hard to get in to see him on short notice…not that he as asked me to do so. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?
Does anyone have a novena that would fit this situation. I have talked to God alot, but no formal prayer…my mind starts wandering when I start the rosary, so I haven’t tried that for several days.

I don’t know what I am going to do, so please be kind in your responses. And I usually feel unworthing asking for prayers, but I have learned I gain strength from knowing others are praying for me. So, please pray for me.

With much gratitude,
Lori
Click to expand...
Yes, being married may sometimes be a cross to bear, but–whoa, whoa, whoa!— I don’t believe there is ANY Catholic moral teaching, nor theologian who would say that being married means either enduring physical abuse, nor perpetrating physical abuse on one’s spouse.

I don’t know of any specific novenas, but there is a prayer to the Holy Spirit that I have often prayed when other words fail, and I can insert the appropriate word as necessary:

Holy Spirit
Soul of my soul
Guide me,
Strengthen me
Console me
Help me to (discern / accept / do) your will.
Amen.

If you really need to speak with a priest, ask the priest you are waiting for if he could please refer you to someone who could speak with you immediately. Also, are you waiting to speak to a priest until your husband can be there, or have you tried to get in to see your priest alone? I’m thinking, see him alone so that he can help you discern. There will be time for you and your husband to speak with him later.

I am so sorry that your situation has come to this, Lori. You didn’t mention if you have children. If so, I pray that they were not witnesses, and are safe. I pray that this is THE wake-up call for you and your husband, and that this is THE LAST TIME either one of you EVER puts your hands on each other out of anger.

I will pray for you today, and at Mass this evening.
 
Lori - you are in my prayers. You say he did not mean to break your leg, and maybe that is true. HOWEVER, you need to realize that next time it may be more than a broken leg. NOBODY should live in a situation where they are in fear of their spouse. Please do not put yourself where you are in a situation where you are alone with him again. Also, do not make excuses for his behavior because there is no excuse. Plenty of people have arguments without laying a finger on another person; broken bones are not a natural result of an argument.

Now, calling a domestic abuse hotline is a wonderful idea - they can refer you to the people you need to be talking to. If you do not have a number, call the operator and tell her/him that you need a number for a domestic abuse hotline and they will help you out. You need to keep yourself safe AND sane. Be strong - you are worth it. Prayer will keep you strong.

HOM
 
from what i have seen, domestic violence can be roughly divided into two issues:

sometimes, a man can and has been arrested for abuse simply because he put his arms up to shield himself from being hit. the wife however, recieves bruises from hitting the bony parts of him arms, and has visible markings. or he tries to restrain her from clobbering him. did he do that?

other times, a man will beat a woman senseless, or just give her one good hit, enough to scare her. this situation is so difficult to deal with.

i see a responsive type of abuse (man pushing back or physically restraining a woman from hitting HIM) and an aggressive type of abuse.

you MUST discriminate between the two yourself, because YOU were there. if he was overtly aggressive, then he needs serious treatment and a visit in the county jail for a while.

if BOTH of you exhibited physical violence, then BOTH of you should be in serious, serious counseling. if you feel the need to push him, rethink that action because whether you believe it or not, he CAN fall backward too, or file charges as well.

i am NOT NOT NOT condoning ANY behavior, on either part.

when you push him, do you feel like he isnt listening, or understanding what you are saying? or you feel it is a way to push his buttons to get him as mad as you are?

no matter what way you slice it, BOTH of you need to see someone. its impossible to try and give you the precise course of action from here. all i am saying is that if he responded to you from your physical actions, then you have a much much higher probability of success than if he just knocked you out for no reason.

before i did disabled child counseling, i used to advise couples that when arguments are going nowhere fast, that they have the ability to invoke what i call “jimmy buffet rule”.

that is, when either or both are so angry that things get ugly, one or both can retire to a room for the amount of time it takes to listen to at least one whole jimmy buffet album before trying to calmly work things out.

you CANT listen to jimmy buffet and still stay angry or feel stressed. 👍 but whatever music you like is fine. but i usually reccomend 70-80 minutes of no talking, no nothing time alone.

the point is, that BEFORE things get ugly, diffuse the situation and back off. thats just my 2 cents.
 
My heart goes out to you.

Adults who push and shove, throw things, or otherwise act out physically during arguments or when they are frustrated need to stop it. Period. If that means getting professional help, then that needs to be their first priority. As you have found out, if you tolerate that behavior in yourself or those around you, the day is coming when someone is going to be seriously injured. It is just a matter of time. The same goes for verbal abuse. The two are closely related. The “rule of thumb” is a nightmare from the past. There is no level of abuse that is safe or tolerable. It is not acceptable behavior, not in you, not in him. Furthermore, even if no one ever winds up in the hospital, abuse in the home is the antithesis of the family and marital life of peace and love that God intends for you. Abuse is always wrong. No provocation is an excuse. Nothing, save defense of life and limb, is an acceptable reason.

This isn’t about whether you or your husband are lovable or decent people or about who is to blame. It is about making yourselves into people capable of marriage and, quite frankly, adult life in civilized society. Right now, you should not spend any unsupervised time together. Not one minute without someone there who is capable and welcome by both of you to intervene. Otherwise, do not meet.

Nearly every area of our country has domestic abuse hotlines, particularly for women. You don’t have to be in the heat of domestic abuse to call. You just need to need help now. They will help you find the help you need, and they will help you find it as soon as that is humanly possible. Don’t delay. Call now.

Consider calling your chancery office on Monday and asking to find a priest in your area to talk to right away. They may be able to find someone to talk to you on the same day. Your local hospital may also have a chaplain who would be willing to talk to you.

Hang in there. There are many praying for you.
 
40.png
BLB_Oregon:
…There is no level of abuse that is safe or tolerable. It is not acceptable behavior, not in you, not in him. Furthermore, even if no one ever winds up in the hospital, abuse in the home is the antithesis of the family and marital life of peace and love that God intends for you. Abuse is always wrong. No provocation is an excuse. Nothing, save defense of life and limb, is an acceptable reason.

This isn’t about whether you or your husband are lovable or decent people or about who is to blame. It is about making yourselves into people capable of marriage and, quite frankly, adult life in civilized society. Right now, you should not spend any unsupervised time together. Not one minute without someone there who is capable and welcome by both of you to intervene. Otherwise, do not meet…
Click to expand...
Excellent post–could not agree more with these points.
 
There are some great points in the other posts.

What I concerned about is not so much directly what happened, but will it happen again?

There seems to be a presupposition that an act of violence will be repeated, and next time it may be worse. Statistically that may be very true, but specifically what about your personal situation?

For example, if this is the first time he pushed you, and he was pushing you back – especially in response to more than one push from you, and then was horrified and called 9-1-1 and admitted it and all (no “fell down the stairs” kind of thing) then right offhand it certainly does sound reactive, as psychologist101 mentioned. This is a critical point I think, because he may have been stifling it all this time and just this once decided to push back and wham. He finally did it, wishes he never did, and will probably not do it again – unless provoked probably beyond what he was that time.

It’s also important because I think women in general may not have the same intuition as men do about when it is time to drop whatever it is and back off.

That was illustrated a bit crudely but probably the most truthful I’ve heard on the topic was from, believe it or not, the foul-mouthed comedian Chris Rock. I heard a recording of one of his skits, and I was amazed at the directness with which he spoke truth – bad language and all. He said that when he, a man, is arguing with another man bigger than himself, he knows when he’s reached a point when it is time to back off, period. OTOH, said Rock, a woman does not know when to stop and will get up in a man’s face and keep going past the point that another man would have backed off, relentlessly, until finally he lashes out like a cornered animal. Rock said that does not excuse the behavior, but he can understand it.

Of course I paraphrased it to try to take the essence out of the “comedy” angle, and I have no idea whether that’s what it was like. I’m not claiming it was “your fault” or anything, but if you don’t know the warning signs for a man, then you might want to consider that may be what happened if you haven’t already.

Personally, I have a tendency (and confirmed with testing) to be a bit passive-aggressive. I will take stuff that other people wouldn’t take, and take it, and take it, then finally I go off – I’m trying to deal with that and so far making good progress. Meanwhile, there are a few people at whom I have “blown up” (not physically so much as verbally) that had no idea how strongly I was going to react, and indeed it seems that for that one incident I was overreacting.

The good news, if this is the case, is that you can do something to help. You can learn how to discuss things assertively rather than aggressively. In fact, I still remember a great deal from some “assertiveness” lessons I took from a psychologist resulting from my own passive-aggression. I have thought of writing them up for others, but meanwhile if you are interested you may PM me and I’ll take you through it. The whole idea of assertiveness is not to be aggressive or dominant, but to be appropriate with your responses, based on the presumption that “I’m OK, you’re OK.” This is absolutely required, because either “I’m OK, you’re not OK” (as in: I’m right, you’re wrong and plus you’re scum) or “You’re OK, I’m not OK” (as in: it seems your opinion is always more important than mine) breed resentment from the “not OK” person to the “OK” person. Assertiveness begins when you see the other person involved as no more or less valuable or worthy than yourself – and are truly discussing issues rather than personal evaluations.

Just from “reading between the lines,” as risky as that is, I wonder whether you do tend to see your own needs as second to others (sample evidence: hard to ask for prayers) and if so, do you bear resentment toward him because you can’t get through to him and he’s always right? If so, assertiveness training just may be very helpful.

Once you get that established, assertiveness training can help you identify different types of conflicts that come up and strategies for dealing with the different types – btw there doesn’t have to be a problem for a non-assertive response to create one either immediately or plant seeds for later growth.

Meanwhile you may wish to get the very inexpensive book by Robert Conklin, “How to get People to Do Things: an inspiring philosophy on loving, leading, and succeeding in business and in life” which has some excellent discussion on anger, why people resist you, and how you can respond.

Do you believe that your husband really loves you and wants this marriage to work, despite his problems? If so, then if even just you learn about assertiveness it could help defuse the situation, and added to whatever training he getsit could help to defuse the situation.

Alan
 
I am sorry your priest has been so unavailable to you. Does he know how urgent this is? Have you asked him to visit you and bring you the Eucharist? It’s very odd that a priest would not give more support, comfort, and urgency to a situation like this (unless perhaps there are extenuating factors such as a very rural parish where the priest travels great distances). Can you call a priest in another parish or a deacon to come and talk to you?

As for a novena-- I would like to suggest you get to know St. Rita of Cascia. She was married to an abusive man, and her story might be of comfort to you.

The church does not require you to stay in an abusive situation. And of course you should not put yourself or any children in harm’s way. However, you mention that you both do the pushing and shoving so separating will not solve the underlying issues that you both have that contribute to such out of control behavior.

As for stay versus go, I think that depends on how willing you both are to change. If your husband will seek counseling and treatment for anger management, and you will do the same, the perhaps it is salvageable with much work and dedication on both parts.

Of course you both need to seek forgiveness through Reconsilation. Perhaps if you are both dedicated to change, something like Marriage Encounter and/or Retrouvaille would help after you get your basic counseling started.

I think you have the right approach-- stay apart for some cooling down time and allowing your leg to heal. Then, deal with him on a spiritual and legal level. Perhaps meet on some neutral territory, such as a therapist’s office.
 
Thank you everyone for your quick responses. To answer some questions:

We have been married for 18 years…at ages 18 & 20 w/ a baby in tow. That baby is now a college freshman and we have a 7 & 9 year old at home.

He is very verbally abusive to me and I get very defensive, but I usually try not to be abusive in that way back. But, I get so frustrated that I will push him to hopefully get him to stop yelling at me.

This situation is so confusing BECAUSE he has only instigated physical aggression once before…this summer he gave me a shove and I hit my head on the wall behind me. He was the aggressor this time.

I have not been in contact w/a domestic violence group yet. I am leary because I worry about them having a feminist-get-out-now-and-don’t-look-back view. I know the local assn. is very intimidating to me. I trained a few years back to do labor support for the women who gave birth during their time of transition and I was very put off by the attitude of the support team. I understand that they see so much and they do care, but I’m not sure how they would help a Christian wife/mother who may want to save her marriage.

I have been reading these forums for a few months now and the support and kindness shown here is so awesome and I just want to say thank you for all your thoughts. My head is swimming as you can imagine, so I will read over your replies again and again.
 
Have you thought about a Retrouvaille retreat?

retrouvaille.org/

It’s for troubled marriages. At the least you can maybe contact them and see what they’d recommend…
–Ann
 
Actually we attended a Retrouvaille weekend about 6 years ago. My dh wasn’t grasping the concept of feelings being a natural reaction and how we choose to deal w/it is what we need to work on. He felt he could feel how ever he wanted and it was natural. He admitted to feeling like he could manipulate the situation and I thought there was no sense in working at that appoach if I thought he was manipulating me the whole time. So frustrating, because I really thought it would help us.

AlanfromWichita…you make some excellent points. Interesting, because the fight started w/my calling him on some bad choices and taking an aggressive stand. So I can definately use some lessons in being assertive w/out being aggressive. Ironically, my dd is dealing w/her college roommate and I am trying to coach her on how to handle the situation…maybe I will back off and let her find her own path on this one.
 
I just wanted you to know I will pray for you.

I don’t have alot of advice to offer, just one piece that has been helpful for myself controlling my temper, is when I get angry and on the verge of an argument, I pray the Hail Mary to myself. At the least, it calms me down & keeps me from yelling, and at most, Mary intervenes and makes things better.

Hail Mary…
 
40.png
Lots2Learn:
Thank you everyone for your quick responses. To answer some questions:

We have been married for 18 years…at ages 18 & 20 w/ a baby in tow. That baby is now a college freshman and we have a 7 & 9 year old at home.

He is very verbally abusive to me and I get very defensive, but I usually try not to be abusive in that way back. But, I get so frustrated that I will push him to hopefully get him to stop yelling at me.

This situation is so confusing BECAUSE he has only instigated physical aggression once before…this summer he gave me a shove and I hit my head on the wall behind me. He was the aggressor this time.

I have not been in contact w/a domestic violence group yet. I am leary because I worry about them having a feminist-get-out-now-and-don’t-look-back view. I know the local assn. is very intimidating to me. I trained a few years back to do labor support for the women who gave birth during their time of transition and I was very put off by the attitude of the support team. I understand that they see so much and they do care, but I’m not sure how they would help a Christian wife/mother who may want to save her marriage.

I have been reading these forums for a few months now and the support and kindness shown here is so awesome and I just want to say thank you for all your thoughts. My head is swimming as you can imagine, so I will read over your replies again and again.
Click to expand...
You won’t hear the “get-out-now-and-don’t-look-back view” only from feminists. You hear will it from emergency room personel who are sickened at all the times they’ve seen someone come in with a “small” injury resulting from domestic violence, making excuses for their abusive spouse, and then see them back later with injuries too massive to survive.

Be certain that you get that. Eighteen years of marriage and three beautiful children are no guarantee that one of you isn’t going to kill the other one. You love each other! But be honest… you did not see this coming, did you? Or you saw it and denied the danger, thinking the rules don’t apply to you, only to “bad” people with “bad” marriages?

Do you want to take any chance that one of you will wind up dead or permanently injured and the other in prison? You should be willing to take ZERO chances of that happening! I am not saying that you have to go out and get a divorce or annulment. But until you have a professional opinion on both of you that you are both sufficiently in control of yourselves to avoid abuse now and forevermore, and honest personal resolutions to back that up, do not spend time alone together. If you both don’t go back with the attitude that absolutely no level of abuse is acceptable, do not go back.

As much as you may adore each other, your marriage is not what it should be. Do you know that the norm in marriage is that neither partner ever shoves or hits or in any way abuses the other? Yes. I have been married sixteen years and neither my husband nor I have ever been remotely close to that. It is not that we don’t get angry. It is that there are things that we don’t use anger as excuse for. Abuse of any human being, particularly your spouse, has to be something for which you allow no quarter in yourself.

If you don’t do this for yourselves, do it for your children. Do it for your grandchildren. They deserve to be in a family that does not abuse, ever.

Retrouvaille is an excellent suggestion.
 
40.png
Lots2Learn:
Actually we attended a Retrouvaille weekend about 6 years ago. My dh wasn’t grasping the concept of feelings being a natural reaction and how we choose to deal w/it is what we need to work on. He felt he could feel how ever he wanted and it was natural. He admitted to feeling like he could manipulate the situation and I thought there was no sense in working at that appoach if I thought he was manipulating me the whole time. So frustrating, because I really thought it would help us.
Click to expand...
Maybe now he has a bit more evidence that he is not in control of himself, that everything he holds dear depends on whether he would rather lose his temper or lose his wife.

If he does not exhibit the ability or desire to be a husband, it is out of your hands. Staying around and presenting him with a near occasion of mortal sin is not an option. Staying around to give him another chance to continue a life of sin is not sacrificial love. It is serving him up to the devil. Don’t fool yourself on that point.

Of course he can feel however he wants to. But his feelings aren’t an excuse to act any way that he wants to. The same goes for you. Don’t fool yourselves on that point, either.
 
40.png
Lots2Learn:
AlanfromWichita…you make some excellent points. Interesting, because the fight started w/my calling him on some bad choices and taking an aggressive stand. So I can definately use some lessons in being assertive w/out being aggressive. Ironically, my dd is dealing w/her college roommate and I am trying to coach her on how to handle the situation…maybe I will back off and let her find her own path on this one.
Click to expand...
You have just convinced me to transcribe what I usually retell verbally from my lessons and putting them on the web. It is very simple information, but it a good starting point to how to approach things.

Technically I should wait until Thanksgiving, as I have a big software project due the day before … but I’ll probably get started before then. 😛

Alan
 
Alan…that would be great…let me know when and where to find it.

I gave up on my priest and called Catholic Charities today. It’s been three weeks and I am getting more confused. It’s amazing how calm I was the first couple of weeks. I guess because I didn’t have any pressure to make any decisions, but now I have a dh and three kids who just want things back to normal. I have told them all that the last thing I want is for things to go back to what normal is/was in this home.
Does anyone have experience w/ Catholic Charities? My dh is seeing a counselor there and he doesn’t even seem to be a Christian let alone Catholic. I have browsed their website, but I didn’t find any posted criteria of how they choose their counselors.

Lori
 
40.png
Lots2Learn:
OK…I have debated about posting this for more than a week. I just have so many questions and I am very confused.
On Oct. 30th, my dh and I got in an argument that escalated very quickly and he became violent. In the past we have (mostly me) pushed the other person during arguments, but never anything more. Well, this particular argument turned violent very quickly and I now have a broken leg, with a cast from my mid-thigh to my ankle…
He called 911 and an ambulance took me to the hospital and the sheriff took him to jail. He is in counseling, living w/some very gracious friends and dealing w/the justice system.
I on the other hand, don’t know what to do. He meant to throw me down and hurt me, but he didn’t have any intention of breaking a bone. I have put off thinking much about whether to separate or try and work things out until I am able to stand on my own two feet…literally. I have been strong in voicing that I am not comfortable w/him being here and I have done nothing to have the mandatory restraining order lifted.
Before this happened, I struggled w/discerning what God wants me to do. I had come to the conclusion (thanks to someone on these boards posting an article about discernment by Peter Kreeft) that being married is my cross to bear. I had made my decision and asked God to please tell me if it was the right one. One week later I had a broken leg. I don’t necessarily believe in “signs”, but I try to listen to Him speak to me.
Which brings me to the absent priest. I have called him a couple of times and he wants to me meet w/me and dh, but he is very passive in working out a time to see me. I feel really abandoned by him, and I truly want his guidance. I haven’t sought counseling or anything because I want his suggestions.
He will not be able to meet w/me until after Thanksgiving. That’s almost a month after this happened. I can’t drive, so it’s hard to get in to see him on short notice…not that he as asked me to do so. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?
Does anyone have a novena that would fit this situation. I have talked to God alot, but no formal prayer…my mind starts wandering when I start the rosary, so I haven’t tried that for several days.

I don’t know what I am going to do, so please be kind in your responses. And I usually feel unworthing asking for prayers, but I have learned I gain strength from knowing others are praying for me. So, please pray for me.

With much gratitude,
Lori
Click to expand...
You will be in my prayers.
 
40.png
nobody:
I just wanted you to know I will pray for you.

I don’t have alot of advice to offer, just one piece that has been helpful for myself controlling my temper, is when I get angry and on the verge of an argument, I pray the Hail Mary to myself. At the least, it calms me down & keeps me from yelling, and at most, Mary intervenes and makes things better.

Hail Mary…
Click to expand...
Great advise.
I think I can also use this often, when I loose my head and temper flies.
 
Hi, I am so sorry that you are going through this pain right now not only emotional pain but physical pain.

I have been struggling to reply this thread the whole day looking for the right words to say. Abuse is Abuse be it emotional, physical, verbal, mental or even financial abuse is wrong. He had no right to lay a hand on you. You are somebody else’s child not his so what gives he the right to treat you so badly. It really angers me maybe I am speaking my own emotions my husband of 11 years used to also hit me and say harsh words which I always brushed off saying he was angry, he did not mean to say, he did not mean to give me a blue eye or punch me. Until one day I got tired of making excuses about why I had blue marks on my body. My husband soon to be ex was the sweetest man you could find, he would cook, clean, pamper and spoil me. When you look at him you would say that this is not the same man who hits his wife. And my friends used to say to me go lay a charge against and I would always find an excuse not to. Then one day I woke up and said you know what he has no right to do this to me I do not come from a home where people were always fighting and arguing why should my little kids be subjected to this. Why should they feel it is exceptable behaviour that because my mother excepted it, it is okay for me to do so. I went to court got a protection order against me and he has never laid a hand on me again. That is not the reason why we are not together he decided that me his wife of 11 years that has tolerated so much for him is not good enough (me 31 years old and he 32 years old two kids a boy age 8 and girl age 5) anymore and a young 19 year old, drug addict is more to his liking than his own family.

And now he has started another form of abuse financial support. We have been to counselling at a place called Family Life Centre where professional people give counselling, also to a psychiatrist and them also Retrouvaille and it has not worked for us. Maybe what I should accept that it was not meant to be and it is time to walk away. I have found peace with religion and going to church and praying.

But no man should have feel he has a right to raise his hand or even his voice to you. What he did was wrong and should not be allowed to do it again. Saying sorry is not enough but showing it in other ways goes a long way. And he needs to sort his agression issues out and not take his frustration out on you because you are not his DOORMAT or PUNCHING BAG. How would he feel if somebody beat up his sister or mother and broke their leg would he stand back and do nothing or say nothing.

I am sorry if I am to much please say so. If you have faith and hope in him that he will never do this to you again then give it the chance but you feel deep down inside that you are afraid that he will do it again then let him know how you feel. And life is not going to go back to normal in such a short space of time he has to earn your trust and respect and he needs to start respecting you not only as his wife but the mother of his children.

COLOR=DarkOrange]Don’t Give Up
You may be tired…
still, don’t give up.
You may feel alone…
still… don’t give up.
You may feel like you’ve been in the storm too long…
still… don’t give up.
You may feel like the enemy is beating you down…
don’t give up.
You may feel like no one cares and no one sees you…
don’t give up.
You may feel smothered with responsibilities, work and bills…
don’t give up.
You may feel defeated, angry, hurt, put down and fed up…
Don’t give up ! God is with you
In God’s time your breakthrough will come because of your
perseverance, faith and your willingness to learn. Stay open and
optimistic because your next blessing will probably
come from the most unexpected person or place.
Remember, always stay in the Light, keep on keep’n on.
Be Blessed…
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top