Domestic abuse, absent priest...I need help

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You can get therapy from Catholic Therapist…I think that calling Catholic Charities was a great idea.

It has been my experience, from the years of sponsoring women in my 12 Step program, that oftentimes physical abuse is the end result of arguments that happen between two emotionally immature people. The woman and the man do not know how to argue. They argue like two babies in the school yard and it escalates into a fist fight that the bigger and stronger one will win. Unfortunately, the bigger and stronger one is usually the male…not always, of course, but usually. Leaving the situation will keep the two big babies away from each other, but unless they learn to grow up and how to put on their big kid pants they will simply go onto other partners and inflict their temper tantrums and emotional immaturity on someone else.

I am sorry if I sound weary and disgusted…it’s just that I hear it over and over and over again every day.

What is equally sad is usually the people raise children in this situation - and they grow up thinking this is the way men and women are supposed to act. Then they go out and inflict themselves on unsuspecting people.

Oh, well.

I hope you heal properly - your leg, I mean - and that you and your husband decide to learn how to be grown ups. Perhaps you could both decide to make Christ the center of your life together, find a Catholic Therapist and start working on how to speak to each other in such a way that you do not have to hurt each other if you don’t get your own way - first with your words, then with your hands, then with your fists, then with a weapon…because eventually one of you will get to kill the other one and your kids will get to plan a funeral Mass.

And I bet the priest will show up then.
 
Leave him. He will most likely never change. You do not deserve to live in fear of violence from someone who should cherish you. I work in a Jail and they have classes for the domestic violence inmates. They do very well in the class. Every time! They almost always do it again and come back to jail. Most of the inmates the court orders into these classes have been in them before. I might sound jaded, but the only way to not be a victim again is to leave him. You don’t have to judge him, God will. But you don’t have to stay with him either.
 
LSK and Pira114

Would my mind sharing your personal experience being in an abusive relationship?

Thank you,
Lori
 
First of all - I want to make it very clear that I do not think that any woman or man should be subjected to physical violence by their spouse. There is no excuse for it, the Church does not condone it. It is a sin, plain and simple. Anyone who is the victim of domestic violence needs to seek safety for themselves and their children immediately, for without your physical safety you cannot heal spiritually and emotionally - and please, do not think I am judging anyone’s individual situation. We are all in different situations. I understand that and I hope I can express myself in such a way that does not offend anyone.

My personal experience is as one who once thought of herself totally as a victim, until I got sober and worked through the steps. When I saw - by doing my 4th and 5th steps - how my need for control, my inability to properly communicate, my bad temper, my emotional immaturity, my dishonesty, my selfishness and my self-centered fear contributed to the fighting I was able to change my view of myself. I realized that when I was in that relationship I had been a contributor to the violence, and the reason I always got my butt kicked was simple - I was smaller and never got my hands on an adequate weapon. My partner at the time was as sick as I was…and if he had ever gotten his hands on a lethal weapon I would not be posting today.

My experience today as a sponsor to women who are getting sober and working a 12 Step program is that most of them (certainly not all - and I want to make that very, VERY clear. There are some women who have been victims of real abusers, psychopaths who are simply out to hurt their partners - I am NOT talking about them or their victims) have to be willing to look at how they have contributed to the violence in the relationship if they want to heal. If they have not contributed at all, either verbally or physically, then the next question is why they would insist on staying in that relationship and WHY they would EVER think it was acceptable to expose innocent children to that kind of atmosphere.

Please understand that this is all my opinion. I am not a trained therapist. I know that we, as Catholic women, struggle with the idea that we marry for life and we want to be obedient daughters of the Holy Mother Church. HOWEVER, the Church does NOT condone physical violence being perpetrated against spouses under any circumstances.
 
Leslie…

Thanks for sharing your experience w/me. A couple days after my leg was broken, I told my friends that I was going to have to work realllly hard not to fall into the role of victim and throw a huge pity party. It is such an EASY path to fall into. However, I know none of us would get any benefit.
 
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Lots2Learn:
LSK and Pira114

Would my mind sharing your personal experience being in an abusive relationship?

Thank you,
Lori
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I’ve never been in an abusive relationship. I only see the idiots that think it’s O.K. to abuse women. These people prey on what they percieve as weak. They’re typical bullies. They’re not gonna stop until someone puts them in their place. Most of them in Jail joke about how they are avoiding serious time by completing the classes again. Most of them are multiple offenders. Maybe not with the same person, or maybe there’s a large amount of time between offenses, but make no mistake, if they truely had love in their hearts, they would never have done it in the first place. I see a lot of them cry that they are sorry and never meant to hurt anyone. They’re only crying because they got in trouble. If they never got caught, they wouldn’t give it a second thought. Leave before you get killed. 28% of abusive relationships end up in an attempt on someone’s life. 12% end up in death. I don’t mean to be harsh, but love yourself more than he does and leave. Let God forgive him, you move on with your life and be happy and safe.
 
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Lots2Learn:
Alan…that would be great…let me know when and where to find it.

I gave up on my priest and called Catholic Charities today. It’s been three weeks and I am getting more confused. It’s amazing how calm I was the first couple of weeks. I guess because I didn’t have any pressure to make any decisions, but now I have a dh and three kids who just want things back to normal. I have told them all that the last thing I want is for things to go back to what normal is/was in this home.
Does anyone have experience w/ Catholic Charities? My dh is seeing a counselor there and he doesn’t even seem to be a Christian let alone Catholic. I have browsed their website, but I didn’t find any posted criteria of how they choose their counselors.

Lori
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Julie and I had premarital counseling with them, and one of my children had some.

I found them to be much more positive and pro-family than other counselors, and based on my two experiences I would recommend them. Believe it or not, there are counselors that go around telling people they should get a divorce the very first time they meet a patient! They say, “you must take care of yourself” and do what they themselves have done and like.

Anyway, I found their therapy to be more useful, and actually God-centered unlike most non-Catholic counselors. I’ve heard of (Protestant) “Christian counselors” and I am very wary of them.

On the assertiveness, I hope to get started this weekend. I’m keeping my posting down to save time working on a big software project due tomorrow. Yesterday was target date, but tomorrow it goes out…

Alan
 
When I first read this thread there was an email that I had remembered reading that really made me think about the relationship I was in. I was looking for it and just gave up because I could not find it but I received it today and decided to send it to everyone. Here is South Africa there is a campaign happening called "Support the 16 days of activism against domestic violence.

**We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn’t mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day.

Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today, and it wasn’t mother’s day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I’m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today… ]**
 
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Lots2Learn:
Leslie…

Thanks for sharing your experience w/me. A couple days after my leg was broken, I told my friends that I was going to have to work realllly hard not to fall into the role of victim and throw a huge pity party. It is such an EASY path to fall into. However, I know none of us would get any benefit.
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You are welcome. It takes courage and honesty to face what might be your part in a horrendous situation. I commend you for having both - now get to work, girlfriend, and start the journey.
 
smartmarriages.com/violence.archive.html

here is a series of articles on domestic violence. My suggestion is to consider checking with your diocese family ministries office. They will be the best resource for you to get help with your very troubled marriage. Most dioceses have this agency. Look in your telephone directory and call the general office number at the diocese and they will direct you to the proper channel. Pray always! At this time, the safest thing for you is controlled separation to protect you from further injury or worse. It will be the best thing at this time. I will add you to our prayer list.

Also look in the phone book under battered women’s hotline. They can give you further tips. We all have to work together to protect you.
 
Thanks for the link stbruno…I was checking out the rest of the site when I found this…

smartmarriages.com/violent.html

I have had a hard time finding information about marriages that actually survive dv. This article is encouraging. He is in counseling and some of what he has relayed to me is also in this article. My counselor has been really helpful too. She isn’t letting me wallow in self-pity. Darn it.
As an aside…the cast came off on Monday. Now I am in a full leg brace. I’m working on building back the muscle and range of motion. I can’t walk on if for a few more weeks, but I can put 50% of my weight on it. On the path of healing…both physically and emotionally.

Lori
 
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Lots2Learn:
Thanks for the link stbruno…I was checking out the rest of the site when I found this…

smartmarriages.com/violent.html

I have had a hard time finding information about marriages that actually survive dv. This article is encouraging. He is in counseling and some of what he has relayed to me is also in this article. My counselor has been really helpful too. She isn’t letting me wallow in self-pity. Darn it.
On the path of healing…both physically and emotionally.

Lori
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It has been my experience that people who can keep even a little bit of a sense of humor have a good chance of surviving their own mistakes and the mistakes of others. My darling girl, you are swallowing some tough truths about yourself. It is not easy to do. I know that the greatest friends I had during some of the roughest periods of my life were the ones who had the guts to say to me, “Would you please stop WHINING and get your act together, you big baby?” At the time I remember thinking, ‘you are supposed to love me until I can love myself’…one very mean old timer looked me straight in the eye and said, “Look, little missy…I don’t love you. I don’t even like you. Start being likeable and maybe that will change. Until it does, don’t ask for what you don’t deserve to have”.

oh she made me so mad I stayed sober at her for six months…:mad: …today I make sure I call her on May 4th every year just so I can say “I made it one more year!” and she can tell me that I am pretty likeable today:) !

So you hang in there, don’t you DARE wallow around in self-pity and you learn to walk (no pun intended…oh, heck…yes it was) with grace, dignity and your head held high.
 
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Lots2Learn:
Alan…that would be great…let me know when and where to find it.
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Dear Lori,

Sorry it’s taken so long. I’ve been caught up with distractions and have no good reason. :o

Since I can’t seem to get started in grand fashion as I had envisioned, I’ll just start here and now.

First, this depends on the “I’m OK, you’re OK” model I described earlier. This is an important condition that means that if you actually do think one of you wishes the other one anything but happiness, then you are not into the required mindset for this to work.

Accepting that as axiomatic, the rest follows:

Dr. Boll suggested an image of a window, like a pane window with horizontal divisions. This is our “window” through which we observe others’ behavior.

Anything we see above the middle is something we consider acceptable. Those below the middle we consider unacceptable.

We find that if we look at the reasons we have so judged their behavior, they fall into certain categories as follows…

Acceptable behaviors are acceptable because they:
1.) are not a problem, or at least
2.) are not MY problem.

Unacceptable behaviors are unacceptable because they:
1.) cause me a (direct) problem, or
2.) introduce a needs conflict, or
3.) bring about a values collision.

Next I’ll write about what he said for each category, examples of such behavior, and strategies for addressing each of them. I think it’s interesting that we often respond improperly to acceptable behavior, which gives rise to manipulation and resentment in itself. (advance hint: when you say, “good boy” what does that do to the psyche of a boy?)

Alan
 
For the responses to each type, I’ll start with unacceptable. These are:

1.) my problem
2.) needs conflict
3.) values collision

Case 1: my problem

If it is a problem for us, under the “I’m OK you’re OK” rules then we assume the person is not actually trying to cause us a problem… in fact, all things equal they would prefer not to be doing so. In this case, we address the behavior and the problem, and even our feelings about it to get right up front to the crux of the issue. This said, we do not assign the other person blame for our feelings, or for any personal shortcomings they might have. They don’t want to hurt us, so the assumption is a mere mention, with possible follow up, is all it’s going to take.

Specifically, the recommended response is, “I feel X when Y because Z”

X is how you feel(felt) when they does(did) this behavior.

Y is the behavior. Z is an explanation.

Caution: note that we do not say “I feel X because Y” because that would assign them blame for our feelings as well as the accidental transgression. Better to take ones own responsibility for feelings than hand it off, so just say “when” and it does not accuse them of hurting your feelings in addition to your toe (in the example a person is standing on your toe).

Although I don’t remember it exactly, I think it could be modified for certain obvious things such as stepping on toes, but that’s a detail that doesn’t always apply.

It might go something like this, “I feel cheated when you don’t call me and say you’ll be late, because I can’t plan a nice meal for the family without that information.”

Oops, I have a distraction. I’ll leave it at that for now.

Alan
 
The distraction lasted longer than I had expected. I’m getting back now to a place where I can better focus.

I’m not sure whether anybody is interested in hearing more from my assertiveness sessions. Please PM me if you are interested in hearing more about it; otherwise I’ll let it go.

Alan
 
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