donation question.

[Lilsheep88]

In thanksgiving, I would like to donate a garbage bag amount of old clothes to the recent victims of Typhoon Sendang in the Philippines and some money as well… Question is though that most of these clothes that I am giving away were given to me by my parents… I dont know how they will react if they found out I gave it all away… Although they encourage donation, I feel that they may find the amount I am giving away a little overwhelming, especially that there are nice branded ones that I have included in the bag.

Since these are my clothes and I do “technically” own them do I have to tell them / ask for their permission first? I could probably get away with not telling them and if they find out eventually at a later date I am sure they wouldnt mind, as they have big hearts themselves… but my mom can be a cheapo sometimes as she is always obssesed about costs of living due to the tough economic climate. And she usually priortizes sending old clothes and financial aid to our relatives back home before anything else… but I am sure that the typhoon victims will need these donations more urgently than my relatives. Most of these clothes have not been used because they are oversized or old and will definitely have no use for them in the future … I feel that I am doing more good if I dont tell them now (but tell them later on) and I go ahead and do this myself…
thoughts?

 

[AlanFromWichita]

In thanksgiving, I would like to donate a garbage bag amount of old clothes to the recent victims of Typhoon Sendang in the Philippines and some money as well… Question is though that most of these clothes that I am giving away were given to me by my parents… I dont know how they will react if they found out I gave it all away… Although they encourage donation, I feel that they may find the amount I am giving away a little overwhelming, especially that there are nice branded ones that I have included in the bag.

Since these are my clothes and I do “technically” own them do I have to tell them / ask for their permission first? I could probably get away with not telling them and if they find out eventually at a later date I am sure they wouldnt mind, as they have big hearts themselves… but my mom can be a cheapo sometimes as she is always obssesed about costs of living due to the tough economic climate. And she usually priortizes sending old clothes and financial aid to our relatives back home before anything else… but I am sure that the typhoon victims will need these donations more urgently than my relatives. Most of these clothes have not been used because they are oversized or old and will definitely have no use for them in the future … I feel that I am doing more good if I dont tell them now (but tell them later on) and I go ahead and do this myself…
thoughts?

First, are you at least 18? Do you live with them? If you are 18+ and do not live with them, the gifts are yours and you may do what you wish, including giving them away, without explanation or notice. If you are under 18 I don’t think you should try to hide it, but should ask them because you may “technically” own it but they technically are in charge of everything you own, so at a deeper level you may not, really. The issue I have is that they may object to it.

If you are at least 18 but live with them, you’re on your own based on the information you gave – maybe it depends on what sort of length you’d have to go to keep them from finding out before it’s done. I’m just saying 18; your family may look at independence and decision making differently at different ages.

Alan

 

[Lilsheep88]

I’m 23 sir , but I still live with them and am still very dependent on them and I am sending this through a very reliable method .

 

[Mrs_Sally]

First check with the organization you plan to give them to. Sometimes the cost of shipping goods is too expensive and takes away from other work the charity wants to do. Also, practically speaking clothes appropriate for Canada might not be what is needed in the Philippines. Once you know that your donation will be welcome, then let your parents know your plans. Make sure they realize that you do not expect them to replace these clothes with an equivalent amount of new items, and that you have left yourself proper clothes for school, work, church, etc.

I would not ask to go through the bag of items with my teenaged children, but I would expect them to have considered their cousins needs when giving away clothes, especially if we regularly sent clothes to family.

Edit: I see that you are 23. Then I would definately not ask to see the donations, but I would not purchase anything new for you to replace any items donated. At 23 I assume you are out of college and working at least part-time.

 

[Lilsheep88]

Edit: I see that you are 23. Then I would definately not ask to see the donations, but I would not purchase anything new for you to replace any items donated. At 23 I assume you are out of college and working at least part-time.

Yes, I work for them in addition to being a university student and they are paying fully for my tuition… which gives them all the more reason to feel that they can control me. Other than that… I dont believe there is a harm in not telling since they wouldnt even notice and continue not to notice that these clothes even existed in my wardrobe.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

I’m 23 sir , but I still live with them and am still very dependent on them and I am sending this through a very reliable method .

Then I don’t see it as a right way/wrong way, so much, as it is a strategy optimization.

You’d have to call it. I would be on your side either way. On the one side, I’d say, “no harm in asking,” and on the other side I’ve heard, “it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission.”

j/k anyway it sounds like a personal decision for you. If it’s not going to harm their feelings or their relationship if they found out later, then telling them in advance is optional; you are free to choose not to.

lol … like I’m giving you permission.

btw … I hope I didn’t talk you into giving personal information about your age if you didn’t want to. I should be more careful.

Alan

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Yes, I work for them in addition to being a university student and they are paying fully for my tuition… which gives them all the more reason to feel that they can control me.

Do you think it is their wish to control you, or is it just something that naturally happens?

Alan

 

[Lilsheep88]

Its just a parenting thing I guess…that sense that they know more than I do or that they are more rational and sensical than I am since I am their child

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Yes, I work part time for our family corporation in addition to being a university student and they are paying fully for my tuition… which gives them all the more reason to feel that they can **control **me.

As a parent, I assume they are thinking of it as continued formation, not necessarily control in a repressive way. However, you live with them and I don’t.

My parents also paid all of my tuition, and i lived with them after school. While I never felt controlled, I did abide by their house rules and did follow their directions on gifts to other family members and similar issues.

Once I was working full time and could afford my own apartment, I moved out. My mother to this day complains about how I “give everything away to the nuns” if ever I mention getting rid of anything.

But, as I first stated, if I give something away, I do not expect others to supply me with a replacement if it wasn’t agreed upon first.

 

[Lilsheep88]

But, as I first stated, if I give something away, I do not expect others to supply me with a replacement if it wasn’t agreed upon first.

Oh no… this is not even about replacing what I will give… I have more than enough clothes I can live on… this is just a matter of formality / courtesy / respect towards them… bearing in mind the command Honour thy mother and father.
Should I tell or not tell?

 

[Iggy85]

If they were gifts, then they are yours to do with as you wish, in my opinion. If your parents ask about them, then just be honest with them that you don’t wear them anymore and you are donating them to someone who really needs them.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Its just a parenting thing I guess…that sense that they know more than I do or that they are more rational and sensical than I am since I am their child

I learn as much from my kids and some of their friends about life these days, as I would like them to learn from me. I’m 52, I have six kids (3 ea boy/girl) ages 14-25. It’s hard to manage the transition you know is inevitable sometime after you get a kid potty trained and hopefully before the time you die, from making all their decisions to letting them live their own lives.

I’ve told my kids that I have a strong desire for a close relationship with them, but even a stronger one for their relationships with each other. Some day they aren’t going to have me and they will need each other.

Alan

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Oh no… this is not even about replacing what I will give… I have more than enough clothes I can live on… this is just a matter of formality / courtesy / respect towards them… Should I tell or not tell?

I would tell. Not as a question, but as a statement. “Oh, I’ve been busy these past few days putting together some donations for the Philippines. I plan to take a bag to xyz charity on Tuesday, do you want to give them anything?”

 

[Lilsheep88]

I have a serious feeling my mom would veto this decision, thats why.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

I have a serious feeling my mom would veto this decision, thats why.

Then maybe you should ask dad privately?

In this case I don’t see it as playing one parent against the other; just asking for advice. Besides, if you take his advice then he’s “with you” if you get into trouble.

Alan

 

[Lilsheep88]

Then maybe you should ask dad privately?

In this case I don’t see it as playing one parent against the other; just asking for advice. Besides, if you take his advice then he’s “with you” if you get into trouble.

ill def give that a try sir