Donor conceived child

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Justyna85

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Hello fellow catholics

I have a big dilemma. I have met a nice man. He seems perfect but…He has a child from his previous marriage that was conceived via sperm donor. When he was married, he found out he is infertile ( so did the specialists said) and his then wife told me him, that if he would not agree to accept a sperm donor, she would divorce him. He signed the papers because without them, she could get the wanted child. She nevertheless left him 4 months into pregnancy, and after a month found another guy. So the child was born and lives with his mother and her partner. Now they have a second child. My bf wanted to get out of this arrangement, she said it would be possible but dragged it so long until the possibility expired. She takes high alimony but barely allows him to see the child. She keeps telling him, it’s not his child. He has a chaperone during the visit. I have never seen the child, the mother forbade anyone to be in his presence. I am very unhappy about it all. My priest told me to distance myself from him and this situation and that he has to fix this mess, and at least consider giving the child up to his mum`s partner for adoption. I am asking, isn’t it for this child better to stay where he is, with his mom and her partner, who could adopt him? My bf says it would abandoning, and since he signed the papers, and it is too late to question paternity, he will resume his responsibility. I am not really sure if this is right route, and in the best interest of the child. He could still have one family, but my bf wants to be his father by any price. One of the arguments he brings forth is that he may never be able to have children, and that he already got attached. He also says that there are a lot of blended familes nowadays. He only sees him 3 h every 2 weeks. He never asks me anything that concerns that child. I feel like he has a double life, and all these scraps of fatherhood are all worth the struggle. I m really worried how our life would look like in the future. I will always come second, and normally a spouse should come first.I did not want to have this type of family. On the other hand, everybody says we should accept children, and that nobody is perfect. I am really torn. I love him but cant accept this mess.
 
Honestly, none of this passes the “sniff test” and has so many red flags that it’s more colorful than the Detroit Motor speedway.

It would be wrong for him to abandon this child. Once you love a child it’s hard, if not impossible to exit their lives. My friend’s daughter has been in my life since she was 3. I cannot imagine not being in her life–and I’m in her life as the “fun aunt” and not a parent.

I’m adopted. My biological parents were bad people. When I was 4-10 I basically lived at a friend’s house but they had to move. Honestly, their leaving is a very deep wound because I loved them so much.

It would be incredibly cruel to demand he give up this relationship.
 
It isn’t a straightforward relationship like being an aunt, where you have limited responsibilities, no alimony and no future commitment. He is fighting with his ex over this child; she keeps telling him it’s not his. The child needs an every day presence not an “ uncle” every other weekend just for playing. It will only confuse him further ( having 3 fathers in total), and his only 2, very small to grasp what’s happening. The boy already has one father at home and a biological one. All I m asking, and that’s what psychologis and a priest told me, isn’t it better for a child to have one set of loving parents, and one home?
 
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Your boyfriend is pulling the wool over your eyes. There is no “time limit” on DNA testing.

People get supervised visitation when DHS/Family Services have found them to be a less than ideal parent.

Find an honest man.
 
Justyna85 said:
It isn’t a straightforward relationship like being an aunt, where you have limited responsibilities, no alimony and no future commitment. He is fighting with his ex over this child; she keeps telling him it’s not his. The child needs an every day presence not an “ uncle” every other weekend just for playing. It will only confuse him further ( having 3 fathers in total), and his only 2, very small to grasp what’s happening. The boy already has one father at home and a biological one. All I m asking, and that’s what psychologis and a priest told me, isn’t it better for a child to have one set of loving parents, and one home?
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No.

First, half of what you say doesn’t add up. The whole story around the child’s conception and custody is just really odd.

Second, he committed to caring for this child. Just because he doesn’t share DNA doesn’t mean that he is not bonded to him. Just because the court of law has stated that he only gets a few hours a week doesn’t change things.

This man watched the boy he believed to be his son brought into this world. He loves him. You are trying to quantify his love and pretend it doesn’t exist.

This man has a child. That child should always come first…if the child is 2 or 22.

I have toddlers. At 2, my child VERY much knew who loved them…even people who visited them once a week. Heck, at 2 my child could identify her grandparents who she only sees 4ish times a year.

Also…

This man has exited a marital relationship less than 2 years ago. WAY too soon to be dating.
 
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He is the legal father. It would have been part of the papers he signed.
 
I think you should not be as deeply concerned/involved/intertwined with his situation. If you are Catholic, this man is really not an acceptable choice for you if he has not gone through the annulment process.

With so many entanglements, you would be better off looking for a relationship with someone more suitable.
 
Thank you for the support. He only had a civil marriage. That weird arrangement is really destroying everything between us. He can’t understand my worries, and all the troubles it is bound to bring.
 
You are dating a man who is not free to marry.

He has voluntarily accepted the responsibility of parenthood for a child conceived in an artificial means.

Your options are to wait until he is free to marry and accept this his child or end the relationship.
 
He hasn’t been married in the Church, his civil divorce is due in April. No need for annulment here. I would never look at a guy who is married in Church. Not an option.
 
Actually, even marriages outside the Church need to be submitted. The process is usually faster, but, he needs to present it for investigation
 
Justyna85 said:
Thank you for the support. He only had a civil marriage. That weird arrangement is really destroying everything between us. He can’t understand my worries, and all the troubles it is bound to bring.
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Let’s just say he IS free to marry.

He still has a child. He loves this child. You are denying his bond because of DNA. You are the one being selfish and cruel.

This is a sweet little 2yo. DNA aside how in the world do you think it’s OK to pull a child from his father? Just because that child’s mother met another man? So what happens when her new man abandons the boy?

My husband has a “cousin” he’s not related to. This young woman has been to every family event and part of everything. Her mother dated his uncle while she was pregnant. He was at her birth…and when she was about 3 the mother met another man and wanted nothing to do with husbands uncle. Fortunately, this woman allowed hubby’s uncle to babysit. She is a wonderful young lady and I look forward to seeing her at family gatherings. She brings hub’s gran grocery shopping. She IS a family member.

Hub’s uncle never dated after that. But if he did it would of been a terrible loss to his family if he ditched the kid.
 
I m not being selfish here. I ve spoken to a few priests and psychologists. He is no more of a father to that boy than the partner of his wife who has been in this child’s life from his birth and lives with him. None of them shares the DNA. My bf wanted to denounce the paternity before the birth, a normal father would not even think about it. The lady dragged it for so long until formally it was impossible, just so she can get the alimony. If love and attachment is enough, then I should stick with my bf only for those reasons. The child needs a dad EVERY DAY, dad that loves and cares for him, not just for a weekend. I did not make this irresponsible decision, hence I don’t need to pay the consequences. This is what happens when we want something or someone by any cost. He wanted to keep his wife by any cost, and she wanted the child by any cost, more than her husband. The spouse comes first, it’s the Bible’s teaching. BTW, all the children are cute, but it is a lifetime commitment and responsibility, that we want to accept FREELY , not to be forced upon or tricked into.

Also, I d never ever suggest to abandon any child. The option was for the child to be formally adopted by his other dad, of course if he can guarantee he wants to be a proper dad. My bf didn’t know it was even possible, as his lawyers said otherwise, but is open to that possibility.
 
And BTW, I ve never got to see the child, as the ex wife forbade anyone to see him, just to take a revenge. So much for building any relationship.
 
Justyna85 said:
I m not being selfish here. I ve spoken to a few priests and psychologists. He is no more of a father to that boy than the partner of his wife who has been in this child’s life from his birth and lives with him. None of them shares the DNA. My bf wanted to denounce the paternity before the birth, a normal father would not even think about it. The lady dragged it for so long until formally it was impossible, just so she can get the alimony. If love and attachment is enough, then I should stick with my bf only for those reasons. The child needs a dad EVERY DAY, dad that loves and cares for him, not just for a weekend. I did not make this irresponsible decision, hence I don’t need to pay the consequences. This is what happens when we want something or someone by any cost. He wanted to keep his wife by any cost, and she wanted the child by any cost, more than her husband. The spouse comes first, it’s the Bible’s teaching. BTW, all the children are cute, but it is a lifetime commitment and responsibility, that we want to accept FREELY , not to be forced upon or tricked into.

Also, I d never ever suggest to abandon any child. The option was for the child to be formally adopted by his other dad, of course if he can guarantee he wants to be a proper dad. My bf didn’t know it was even possible, as his lawyers said otherwise, but is open to that possibility.
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HE is legally responsible.

HE made these choices. HE made a lifetime commitment. It’s been done. It’s not an irrelevant factor. The child exists and lives with an unstable woman. Your BF is responsible for this, DNA or not, coersed or not.

Your talking to a priest or psychologist is irrelevant.’

Of course, a child deserves a 24/7 father. Unfortunately, this child’s mother has made this impossible.

Honestly, you come off as a jealous woman who wants this child and obligation out of her life so she can have this man.

You continue to deny that your boyfriend has any love for this child. You keep harping on the fact that his love is not adequate because he doesn’t live with the child’s mother.
 
Justyna85 said:
And BTW, I ve never got to see the child, as the ex wife forbade anyone to see him, just to take a revenge. So much for building any relationship.
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It’s not really uncommon for a custodial parent to forbid a non-custodial parent from introducing girlfriends/boyfriends to the child.

YOU don’t need to build a relationship with him. His legal father is the one who has a relationship.
 
Nobody can see him, not even his grandmother, uncle, grandpa.
 
Justyna85 said:
Nobody can see him, not even his grandmother, uncle, grandpa.
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None of your business. Not at all. The fact that your boyfriend only has supervised visitation is sketchy enough. It’s almost unheard of in a normal situation for this to happen. The government doesn’t want to pay for this sort of thing.
 
Exactly, it’s abnormal, having supervision. But yes, it is my business. As long as he wants to make a family with me, it is very my business.
 
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