Donor conceived child

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Justyna85 said:
Exactly, it’s abnormal, having supervision. But yes, it is my business. As long as he wants to make a family with me, it is very my business.
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He can’t legally or spiritually do so right now. He’s still married!!!

That poor child doesn’t need to be subjected to his father’s girlfriend when his dad is still married to his mother, especially when the courts only give that father a few supervised hours a week.

Sure, the mother has a new boyfriend but she is STILL MARRIED! Her wrongs don’t give your boyfriend the right to his own.
 
Not only is our OP getting the cart before the horse, I’m afraid the horse has been run over!
 
His mother has already a second child with her partner. The divorce is a matter of couple of months, that’s not a concern here, it will happen. No, I can’t imagine a healthy family life with this arrangement. I don’t think anyone who is sensible would. It is unhealthy. l m not obliged to stay, hence I ve already put a pause to this relationship. It is beyond my capabilities. He is free to do what he feels is right for him, and I, what’s is right for me.
 
What do you mean “subjected”? You don’t know me; you belittle me and relate to me as if you met me. You think, that because you were adopted, it gives you all the right to judge anyone who disagrees with you. No 2 cases are the same. I also know many adopted children.yet, no child wants 3 fathers in their lives. I would never want it. 1 mum and 1 dad is what God intended. Unfortunately for this child, he ll never have biological dad, his parents denied him this right deliberately. That is very very sad, and differs from normal adoption. I ve read many stories about such kids. Their identity is often disturbed.
 
Justyna85 said:
What do you mean “subjected”? You don’t know me; you belittle me and relate to me as if you met me. You think, that because you were adopted, it gives you all the right to judge anyone who disagrees with you. No 2 cases are the same. I also know many adopted children.yet, no child wants 3 fathers in their lives. I would never want it. 1 mum and 1 dad is what God intended. Unfortunately for this child, he ll never have biological dad, his parents denied him this right deliberately. That is very very sad, and differs from normal adoption. I ve read many stories about such kids. Their identity is often disturbed.
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Step back from this situation!

This man is this boy’s legal father. Period. Just because someone else stepped into the role dosnt change his obligations.

You “read stories” and you consult priests and psycologists. This is NOT your child. Right now it’s his child.

And really, he should be doing all he can to get custody, not remove himself from it.
 
It may not be the best thing for all concerned, but, I can’t help but admire a man who wont abandon his child. Was he legally married to the mother when the child was born? If so, that makes him the ‘legal’ father. With his ex giving him all these ways out, he must truly love this child.

But, for all the legal intricacies, he (and you!)need a lawyer. I don’t think that the mother has a right to deny you access to the child, if you visit with your bf. Talk to a lawyer. A specialist in family law, to be precise!
 
Justyna85 said:
I will always come second, and normally a spouse should come first.
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You just hit the nail on the head, so to speak. You already do come second. You are playing second to a child that he barely sees. A child that may not be his. It is never too late for a paternity test. Your boyfriend sounds like he wants to be still attached to his ex.
 
He has changed 2 lawyers, already spent more than 130K$, which he saved to buy a house. This lady will have her way, and judges are in her favor. I ve just never heard of a similar case.
 
I am really worried how the future would like like. Who should I become in this arrangement? I may not be able to have children with him because of his infertility issues. However, I would not resort to artificial reproduction methods as he did, to have a baby by any price. His decision about donor conception resulted in all these problems that we/he has.
 
I think if you continue, and you force him to give up this child, he would end up resenting you. It just doees not seem that there is any happy future in this for either one of you. Cut your losses and move on.
 
I m not by any means forcing him. It was him who wanted to back off from this situation way before he even knew me. He said either he is nobody or a proper dad, he is none for the moment. His ex promised him that her partner would take over the parental responsibilities. She dragged it for too long until legally, so was he said by his lawyers, was lo longer possible. Obviously she wanted to prolong the waiting to get alimony. He did not know that after the birth it’s too late. He also didn’t know that according to the law the other guy can still legally adopt that child under different conditions.Now, It is entirely his choice. I m not sure if I could live with this arrangement though, and if it would bring more harm than any good, so I ve already backed off.
 
I think you received admirable and sage advice from your priest. This guy appears to be bad news. Both for you and for the ex.
I can’t get past the fact that he has supervised visitation. And he will need to have that marriage looked at BEFORE you can even think about being with him.
Too many what if’s here. Trust me, you’re going to get your heart stomped on, and you are walking right towards it.
Move on. Your priest was right
 
You may be mistaken in thinking that because it was civil that his marriage somehow did not “count.” You should go back to your priest and discuss this so you understand what is the truth for your situation, whether you stay with this guy or not.
 
I ve been so lost in this; I didn’t know what is right and what is wrong anymore, hence I sought a counselor. I could not handle it in my own, or else I was risking a lifetime mistake. I did ask several wise people, and they say same thing. I was just not sure if backing off seemed selfish or self preserving. He is going to a therapist for the first time, pity he didn’t do so before taking the decision about the donor.
 
We Catholics, we Christians, do not punish a child for the manner of their conception. We love and cherish children who are born from fornication, adultery, rape, IVF, they are all precious to God. They all deserve our love.
 
The right thing is never selfish. Acting in truth is always the most compassionate way.
Think of both of your souls.
The priest was correct.
 
I m thinking of all the souls involved. My bf even went to confession after decades and talked to the same priest I did. He truly regrets what he did.
 
I think you should take the priest’s advise. After all I read here on CAF his infertility may be problematic for your future mariage.
Like you said - this is not the type of marriage you want. And the priest confirmed it. Don’t give up on yourself just yet. My 2 cents.
I pray for your romantic happiness. May God bless you with a man who can give you a family and put you first.
God bless you.
 
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