Donor conceived child

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That’s wonderful. Great news. But he’s still married and not prepared for another relationship.
I think you really do know what you have to do… it will be difficult as you are so attached to him.
 
Kathleen18 said:
I will always come second, and normally a spouse should come first.
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Nope, not after you have children. No!
Look, my father and my mother are divorced. Not a messy situation like the family issues you see at your boyfriend´s life, but a clear divorce. My father remarried twice. He is not a christian so no need to discuss this, I want to make clear another point. Me and my sister always came first, no matter if we were 10 or 25. I have a loving relatinship with my stepmom, and she greets my mother regularily, talks to my father when we have troubles. It wouldn´t be possible otherwise, as we are present in his life, as my mum as my mother will always be. At least, when his child has a problem, needs money for college or simply wants to get married the whole family should be present.
Now think of what you are asking here for. Do you really think, when your deepest wish come through and you share a life, would this lead him to a deeper connection with his child? I doubt. And you should think hard if this was moral.

Now to the infertility option, some very down to earth things.
Adoption can be, depending on the country you are living, very expensive. He is financially responsible for another child, this may be too much.
I don´t know how old you are, but I would take the infertility issue serious. Some years ago I would not even offer a sad thought on the option of being infertile or an infertile spouse, now as I deeply want a child It would be a hard burden I propably wouldnt like to accept before a marriage.
 
I have to disagree. Marriage is the rock for a healthy family. I had thought the kids are the center but I learnt through various Church conferences and books it isn’t true. Many marriages collapse because the couple puts their kids first. One if the spouses feels resentful and neglected.I would not put anybody’s kids including my own before my husband. It doesn’t mean they aren’t loved or cared for, but there should be a hierarchy. Of course, often, especially when they re small, their needs come first. Kids come to our lives and then leave to make their families, and your spouse stays. My mum put us, the kids first and it wasn’t a happy marriage. My sister is doing the same, and when she and her husband are alone they ve got not much going on between them.
 
This may be correct if we talk about parents, but in this case, it´s about one parent, another and a girlfriend. To take the spose first would mean to cut off the parent time. In a healthy family, this border is not that clear. It is another feeling fr a child to see mummy and daddy going out for date night and the result is that the child needs to spend time without them, or a child who sees daddy spends time with another women who has no reason to care for it.
 
Hence, I don’t see a reason being in that type of relationship. I ve got too much at stake vs the potential good.
 
And this is why it is very sticky to be entering romances with people other than the parent of your kids until those kids are grown.
 
Justyna85 said:
I have to disagree. Marriage is the rock for a healthy family. I had thought the kids are the center but I learnt through various Church conferences and books it isn’t true. Many marriages collapse because the couple puts their kids first. One if the spouses feels resentful and neglected.I would not put anybody’s kids including my own before my husband. It doesn’t mean they aren’t loved or cared for, but there should be a hierarchy. Of course, often, especially when they re small, their needs come first. Kids come to our lives and then leave to make their families, and your spouse stays. My mum put us, the kids first and it wasn’t a happy marriage. My sister is doing the same, and when she and her husband are alone they ve got not much going on between them.
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The pain of infertility in a marriage is enough to drive many balanced people to make bad decisions. What you aren’t getting is that putting yourself in such a situation is a terrible idea. Not to mention that while your boyfriend has repented he made such terrible decisions a just over 2 years ago…
 
This is a painfull situation for all the people involved…

And badly, a situation that could happen only on contries where are very laxt laws on artificial reproduction.

You seem to express suffring and dilemna on this situation yet.

Do you want to not be at peace for the rest of your life?

If it was me, my choice would have been done.

And yes, It is your boyfriend problem and at himself to resolve.

Do you want to marry a man who is infertile and had ever a “donor” child (so no problem with that)? And this situation could be raise again, but with you?
 
I really am confused hear. You seem adament that you deserve better, so why not just break up? It seems like the logical choice.

As a woman, I was always told ‘Don’t marry a man expecting him to change’ and that was over minor issues like house keeping and showing up on time. If you can’t get a slob to be a neat freak by marrying him, I don’t you could get a man with a child to be childless by marrying him

It seems like you mind is made up, you don’t want this situation, so just break up.

But PLEASE and I repeate PLEASE don’t think you will ever change this situation
 
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I’m very confused.

So, the boyfriend was/is married. Wife “forced” him to sign papers so that the wife could have artifical insemination with a sperm donor. Before the birth of the child, they separated.

Because the baby was conceived during the marriage, the assumption is that he is the father. We know he is not the biological father, and they have never lived together as a family.

The OP says she “takes high alimony” but there is no final divorce decree.

If some facts aren’t missing here, this isn’t his child, he hasn’t lived as the child’s father, he has no biological attachment to the child.

I would have a court order a paternity test to show I am not the father. I would then petition a court to terminate my parental responsibilities. I would then move on.

This would be incredibly confusing for a child, to have to have these visits with someone who is simply mommy’s ex-husband, not your father.
 
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Cecilia_Dympna said:
Because he was/is married to the mother he is the legal father. If he wanted to get off the birth certificate he has allowed too much time to pass.
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This is only one small part of it. Yes, he’s on the birth certificate. That’s all. The other things I posted still hold true.

You are also on the birth certificate as the father if your wife had an affair and conceived, if the birth is while you were still married.
 
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yeah, and I don´t think it would be moral, either. I mean, if his wife didn´t forced him with a loaded weapon to sign the documents for AI it was his decision he has to be responsible for. And the legal practice to see every child born in wedlock as a child of both spouses is one legal protections of marriage and family. I won´t see this taken away or even questioned.
 
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Cecilia_Dympna said:
He cannot legally give up his parental responsibilities.
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He is not the father, and has no responsibility. The artificial insemination part is a wrinkle, and I will admit that I don’t know the legal responsibilities of the man in this case. The wife is the biological mother; that is certain.
 
Sorry, but he is a grown man who gave his OK for this. Child in marriage=fatherhood. Sorry, but there is a good reason for not asking every man if he is the father of his wifes children.
 
IHe agreed for the insemination by the donor semen provided she would not leave him. She did it anyways, 4 months later. She wanted the child and just needed her husband signature. He was foolish to believe he can save a marriage by agreeing to this procedure. Later, when she broke her word and found another man,he wanted to back off, which was still possible before the birth. However, it wasn’t at all in her interest to forsake the alimony. She delayed it till it wasn’t possible anymore. The irony is that she has a second child, and because she isn’t divorced yet, my bf automatically became the legal father to that child. She openly hates her future ex husband, she doesn’t want him to participate in any way in bringing the child up. I can’t imagine how this can work out. My bf is the legal parents to both of the kids now, but her partner is their every day father. It is going to be extremely confusing for the kid in the future. I m not sure how it can work out. Only a miracle can help here.
 
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The protection of marriage as in institution of trust, where children are welcome.

And again, you seem to ignore the fact he has given his OK.
 
alice24 said:
And again, you seem to ignore the fact he has given his OK.
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He gave his okay, and then she reneged on her “part of the deal”. He never lived with this child. The boyfriend has been acting as the father.
 
It depends of the laws where he lives.

Laws are not the same everywhere on the world on" give un parentental responsabilities"
 
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