Don't know what to do about my relationship with my father

[kevlarkyogre]

My biological mother and father have never been married to each other. My father completely left us (as in no contact) when I was 2 years old and didn’t come back again until late primary school time. I say “came back”, he began extremely irregular contact (sometimes going 6 months to a year without seeing him) and most of the time he only came over to shout abuse at my mum because she wouldn’t give him any money to support him. To be honest the times he didn’t come was relieving for me. When I got older, about 16 years old, he resumed contact with me and my sister. My sister no longer speaks to him, because of the way he is I suppose. I try to give him chance after chance but he always manages to ruin it for himself.

What is really difficult for me is the way he interacts with me. He tries to pretend that I am still the little girl he remembers from before (I’m 21 years old now). He still thinks I want to be a horse rider or a policewoman. Instead of asking me about myself or my life he just makes these assumptions, even when I correct him. He takes credit for the way I have turned out even though he did nothing to raise me compared to my mum and grandma and other family members.

Almost every time he promises he is coming to visit me and spend time together it turns out he is taking me on one of his dates with random women so he can “show me off”. He even goes to far as to lie to these women. Before hand I’m always getting comments like “By the way I told her I bought you a horse” “I told her I taught you A-level mathematics” “I told her you’ve lived with me your whole life and not your mum” etc. I’m really not comfortable sitting there and pretending these lies are true to these poor women but at the same time I don’t want to cause a scene in public or an embarrassing situation. I mostly keep quiet, let him talk and just sit there until the whole ordeal is over.

Then there are the extravagant gifts… Or promises thereof. He is often saying things like “For your birthday I’ll buy you a car” “I’ll get you that laptop for Christmas” “Next week I’m going to bring you a new i-Pod”. Then on the day I’ll get a message a long the lines of “sorry I’m too ill I can’t make it” “I woke up late I’m not going to make it” “I’ll give it to you on Mon/Tue/Wed/Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun”. This will go on for weeks till he thinks I’ve forgotten about it and then he will come over as if nothing had happened. I don’t care about the not getting the gifts, they’re not things I ask for just things he comes up with. It just annoys me that he has NEVER not even ONCE come clean and admitted that he didn’t buy me the thing in the first place and will go weeks without seeing me to try and cover his tracks.

I’ve tried talking to him about it, I’ve even confronted him about the gift promises and asked him to stop but he just gets really offended that I think he isn’t telling me the truth and still won’t admit it to me. If I accuse him of what he does with the women and me he just cries to me about how he is scared of dying alone and being alone his whole life and again doesn’t apologize or suggest he’ll stop, it just becomes a therapy session for him.

I am honestly at a loss of what to do now. I’m 21 years old, I just want to have a good relationship with him but am I being delusional? I’m the only person in my family who is Catholic, so I often come here trying to find advice based in Catholic teaching as I don’t have a lot of access to that at home. I really want to show respect for him because he is my father. But I don’t know how best to do that in this situation… Am I missing something? Is there something I’m supposed to be doing to make this better? Or do I just have to continue entertaining this behaviour amidst my prayers for him? I’m trying not to treat him like a child or do the whole parenting my parents thing, but other than trying to call him out on what he’s doing and discuss it with him (which hasn’t worked so far) I’m stumped. As long as he doesn’t believe he is doing anything wrong I can’t make him want to change anything…

 

[Sugabee43]

It sounds like, if your description is accurate, you “owe” him nothing. He sounds very manipulative and self-centered. Yes, as Catholics we are called to honor our fathers, but it sounds as if he never was that role in your life. If you don’t feel spiritually strong enough to be a witness to him (and that’s OKAY- you’re very young!) and he’s toxic to your own well-being, break off the contact and pray for his conversion. That’s the most honoring thing you can do at this point.

Peace to you.

 

[kevlarkyogre]

It sounds like, if your description is accurate, you “owe” him nothing. He sounds very manipulative and self-centered. Yes, as Catholics we are called to honor our fathers, but it sounds as if he never was that role in your life. If you don’t feel spiritually strong enough to be a witness to him (and that’s OKAY- you’re very young!) and he’s toxic to your own well-being, break off the contact and pray for his conversion. That’s the most honoring thing you can do at this point.

Peace to you.

Thank you for your advice. In my heart I have really wanted to cut off ties with him because of this and I’ve been feeling really guilty about feeling that way. I feel better now that you have suggested it too, like it’s not a totally selfish thing to do… I felt like I had an obligation to fix our relationship, but when you said he sounds manipulative and self-centered I can’t believe I never recognized it that way before… It sounds accurate when you say it that way.

Thank you,

God bless

 

[Bonnie]

He sounds very manipulative and self-centered./QUOTE]

Sounds that way to me, too. You’re quite young and he doesn’t want to help you, but is hurting you. You won’t hurt him at all by giving up on him - he’s living in a fantasy world now & that probably won’t change.

 

[1ke]

He likely either has a mental illness or a personality disorder. He is what he is and he will not change, perhaps cannot change.

So, you must do what you need to do for your own sanity. You are an adult now, so set your own terms and boundaries, and stick to those. Dinner with him only. No more gifts, nor promises of gifts. Or phone calls only. Or no contact. Whatever you are comfortable with.

Be kind to him, but you need not be indulgent of his behavior. Respect and honor do not mean “be a doormat”. You can pray for him, accept that he is broken and may never get the mental health help he needs, and be kind when the situation calls for it.

You need not give him money, be a prop in his pursuit of women, or go along with his lies.

 

[Memaw]

Thank you for your advice. In my heart I have really wanted to cut off ties with him because of this and I’ve been feeling really guilty about feeling that way. I feel better now that you have suggested it too, like it’s not a totally selfish thing to do… I felt like I had an obligation to fix our relationship, but when you said he sounds manipulative and self-centered I can’t believe I never recognized it that way before… It sounds accurate when you say it that way.

Thank you,

God bless

You have no obligation in this situation and you have tried your best to work this out. He is the one who has obligations but he won’t change unless he really wants to. If you don’t expect any different from him, you won’t be disappointed. I would gently limit his visits and keep him in your prayers. God Bless, Memaw

 

[angell1]

Thank you for your advice. In my heart I have really wanted to cut off ties with him because of this and I’ve been feeling really guilty about feeling that way. I feel better now that you have suggested it too, like it’s not a totally selfish thing to do… I felt like I had an obligation to fix our relationship, but when you said he sounds manipulative and self-centered I can’t believe I never recognized it that way before… It sounds accurate when you say it that way.

Thank you,

God bless

good advice from everyone so far.

and no, you are not responsible for fixing the relationship. it takes two people to do that, and if he’s not holding up his end and believes he’s not doing anything wrong, well, there’s not much else you can do.

pray for him, be kind to him, but it think it’s healthier for you to keep your distance. don’t put up with his behaviour, you should not have to sit through a dinner with women where he’s lied to them. plus it’s awkward enough being a third wheel on a date, I would think

 

[EasterJoy]

He likely either has a mental illness or a personality disorder. He is what he is and he will not change, perhaps cannot change.

So, you must do what you need to do for your own sanity. You are an adult now, so set your own terms and boundaries, and stick to those. Dinner with him only. No more gifts, nor promises of gifts. Or phone calls only. Or no contact. Whatever you are comfortable with.

Be kind to him, but you need not be indulgent of his behavior. Respect and honor do not mean “be a doormat”. You can pray for him, accept that he is broken and may never get the mental health help he needs, and be kind when the situation calls for it.

You need not give him money, be a prop in his pursuit of women, or go along with his lies.

OP, I’d go so far as to say you *ought not *give him money and you especially should not assist him in any way to ensnare any more women with his lies.

I would expect that when you stop accepting inappropriate behavior from him that he will either ramp up his efforts (lay the guilt on thicker in order to dissuade you from this change) or lash out at you (renounce every nice thing he ever said about you) or just drop off the end of the earth because he can’t use you. Your sister and mother have probably told you enough about their experiences that you will have some idea what to expect.

If he ever gets better, which is extremely unlikely, the status quo will not get him there. He has to run into the wall of the truth, or the lies won’t ever stop.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My biological mother and father have never been married to each other. My father completely left us (as in no contact) when I was 2 years old and didn’t come back again until late primary school time. I say “came back”, he began extremely irregular contact (sometimes going 6 months to a year without seeing him) and most of the time he only came over to shout abuse at my mum because she wouldn’t give him any money to support him. To be honest the times he didn’t come was relieving for me. When I got older, about 16 years old, he resumed contact with me and my sister. My sister no longer speaks to him, because of the way he is I suppose. I try to give him chance after chance but he always manages to ruin it for himself.

What is really difficult for me is the way he interacts with me. He tries to pretend that I am still the little girl he remembers from before (I’m 21 years old now). He still thinks I want to be a horse rider or a policewoman. Instead of asking me about myself or my life he just makes these assumptions, even when I correct him. He takes credit for the way I have turned out even though he did nothing to raise me compared to my mum and grandma and other family members.

Almost every time he promises he is coming to visit me and spend time together it turns out he is taking me on one of his dates with random women so he can “show me off”. He even goes to far as to lie to these women. Before hand I’m always getting comments like “By the way I told her I bought you a horse” “I told her I taught you A-level mathematics” “I told her you’ve lived with me your whole life and not your mum” etc. I’m really not comfortable sitting there and pretending these lies are true to these poor women but at the same time I don’t want to cause a scene in public or an embarrassing situation. I mostly keep quiet, let him talk and just sit there until the whole ordeal is over.

Then there are the extravagant gifts… Or promises thereof. He is often saying things like “For your birthday I’ll buy you a car” “I’ll get you that laptop for Christmas” “Next week I’m going to bring you a new i-Pod”. Then on the day I’ll get a message a long the lines of “sorry I’m too ill I can’t make it” “I woke up late I’m not going to make it” “I’ll give it to you on Mon/Tue/Wed/Thurs/Fri/Sat/Sun”. This will go on for weeks till he thinks I’ve forgotten about it and then he will come over as if nothing had happened. I don’t care about the not getting the gifts, they’re not things I ask for just things he comes up with. It just annoys me that he has NEVER not even ONCE come clean and admitted that he didn’t buy me the thing in the first place and will go weeks without seeing me to try and cover his tracks.

I’ve tried talking to him about it, I’ve even confronted him about the gift promises and asked him to stop but he just gets really offended that I think he isn’t telling me the truth and still won’t admit it to me. If I accuse him of what he does with the women and me he just cries to me about how he is scared of dying alone and being alone his whole life and again doesn’t apologize or suggest he’ll stop, it just becomes a therapy session for him.

I am honestly at a loss of what to do now. I’m 21 years old, I just want to have a good relationship with him but am I being delusional? I’m the only person in my family who is Catholic, so I often come here trying to find advice based in Catholic teaching as I don’t have a lot of access to that at home. I really want to show respect for him because he is my father. But I don’t know how best to do that in this situation… Am I missing something? Is there something I’m supposed to be doing to make this better? Or do I just have to continue entertaining this behaviour amidst my prayers for him? I’m trying not to treat him like a child or do the whole parenting my parents thing, but other than trying to call him out on what he’s doing and discuss it with him (which hasn’t worked so far) I’m stumped. As long as he doesn’t believe he is doing anything wrong I can’t make him want to change anything…

You should put your love towards your Heavenly Father. You were dealt a bad one on earth. The quicker you realize that the better your future will be. Perhaps you can use this to choose a spouse that will be better for your own children.

 

[Viki63]

All good advice.
In case you do decide to continue the relationship, I would suggest not going on a “date” with him and another woman, Just refuse, shut the door, or leave if he shows up with someone else. (“I’m sorry, I thought it would be just the two of us. Have a good time.”)

Don’t feel bad. You’ve done more than enough.

.