Don't Know What To Do, Need Help

[PonderingJak]

I’ll start this off by saying that I’m 14 years old, so please excuse me if some of the things I say seem to have an obvious fix, or aren’t important. Because they are to me. My parents are both Catholic, and have been very supportive of me, but frankly I think this is beyond them. I have always believed in God, but almost never, besides sometimes in the morning on the way to school with my mother and siblings, pray. But I still believed in God and the fact that I would someday go to heaven with my family, since I always felt a sort of benevolent presence watching over me. But lately I’ve started to question my faith. During a recent bout of depression that lasted several weeks, I thought about troubling questions and considered suicide. I’m past the suicide part, but not the questions.
I thought that I was past them, but lately my mind has expanded into higher levels of thinking. Ever since I started questioning my faith, the feeling that God was watching me has disappeared, which makes me wonder if I’ve imagined it the whole time. Due to a very strong imagination, I had a deathly fear of the dark as a child, something that I’ve mostly, but not completely, been able to shake. Because I was always able to imagine robbers and demons and the like, it make me thing that I have been imagining God all along. Although I’ve suffered some addictions in the past of the very worst kind, I always believed that later, when I was all grown up, I would be a devout Catholic and everything would turn out okay. But lately, my older sister has started to go atheist, and though Ive tried to resist it, I’ve been following suit. After helping my dad with something recently, he quite naturally replied “thank you,” to which I responded, “anytime.” My mind set off spinning. Everyone dies at some point, so I would not be able to help him truly “anytime.” And going off on this train of though, even though I’m not a very sensitive person, I’m in tears. I should explain at school that none of my classmates ever remember seeing me cry. But this thought, and the knowledge that I’ve been quite lax in searching the truth of my faith, and that I’ve blindly followed what my parents have told me, bring me to crying. Is everything meaningless? Once I die, will I truly die, will i never see my parents or family again? This thought makes it worse. I love my family very much, and need answers.
I have tried reading the bible, saying rosaries, and praying for a sign. It doesn’t need to be my name suddenly appearing in a flash of fire, but me, being a very logical person, won’t accept anything that could very well be a random occurrence. I don’t want to be struck with a feeling of beauty after seeing a flower, since even atheists can do that. I want something to go out on, to end my doubts, since I sincerely believe that I can be very devout. I say this in the least prideful way possible, but I feel special, and not just because my parents tell me. I feel like I have skills that can help the church, and although it might be a feeling sent from God, it might very well just be a random thought. I feel very depressed in the evenings, since I am always hit very deeply with my doubts. I just want to know. Last Saturday at church I had an imagined conversation with God. I was answering my own thoughts. It wasn’t real, I was just having the voice of what I thought God would sound like talking back. I know it wasn’t God because in the past I had trouble with swearing, and those words flit through my mind sometimes. And I KNOW God wouldn’t swear at me. If any of you have had similar experiences, I guess instead of a sign, I just want God to talk to me. I have read the theoretical apologetics answers that can keep atheists from jumping down our throats, but I need something to believe. Please help at your earliest convenience, since this depression i deeply troubling and I need to get on with my life. A quick ending thought, something that almost brings tears and kills my smiles, all things come to an end. If I see my siblings or something, it kills me to realize that whatever it is will wither and die sooner or later. Please, please, help. This is horrible. All prayers are appreciated.

Thank you,
Jacob

 

[Mummsie]

PonderingJak,

First a well written post. Good job.

Saying prayers of healing for you. A couple of suggestions I would make. First, I think you should try talking to your parents first. They need to know how you’re feeling and all the questions that are weighing you down. If they can’t help, ask them who you should talk to next. Hopefully a priest and a doctor (to rule out any physical problems). Have you ever been to Eucharistic Adoration. It is very peaceful and calming. You might try just telling all of this to God and then just sitting quietly to feel his presence and hear his Words. Please know that God is still with you and wants to help.

God Bless You.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

You write very well at 14. Keep in mind that at 14 you are going through a lot of hormonal changes and your body and mind will sort all this out as time goes by. You are on the cusp of adulthood. It is OK to question everything; you would be a pretty dull person if you didn’t. Your faith will be stronger for it. I think we all go through what you are experiencing. Just don’t overthink everything. I have never met a true atheist 'though I am sure there are plenty out there. The two people that we call out for if we are near death or suffering is our God and our Moms. It is possible that your sister is struggling with many of the same doubts that you are. Just hang in there and try to pray as usual.

When I was 14 I was such a nerd and I suppose that I am still am in many ways. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I-we-just try to do our best with what God has given us. As I read your post I think God has been generous with you. I will pray for your intentions.

 

[PonderingJak]

Thanks to both of you for responding, I have gone to Adoration twice before, will try to go again, maybe even regularly, in summer after school ends. I know that there’s nothing physically wrong with me, although the hormonal changes, etc., probably help contribute to my anxiety and depression. Thanks for the prayers, I will try your suggestions soon!

 

[PonderingJak]

Something that made me think back when I was in the car today, with my siblings fighting, my mom said something about how I’m the only one trying to act good. So on the way back, I remembered a prayer to God I had made to make me more humble and kind, so maybe this is the answer to my prayers? I feel horrible at times, but maybe it’s a bit of sacrifice for the good of my family, of which the other children do not obey our parents? After all, I heard that the Lord acts in mysterious ways…?

 

[Bodhi303]

Hello Jacob,
As everyone as already stated, you express yourself beautifully. Which is likely one of many gift that God has given you in order to serve him. You are more than likely very correct to say you could be very special. I don’t say that to blow smoke up your butt. I see the truth in your struggles.

Your struggles mirror the journey of people who are called to serve God’s kingdom in some concert way. Such as those with vocations, mystics, or Saints. So study the Saints and you will see exactly how similar your journey is to theirs, and how powerfully comforting it is to know others have followed the same path you are on and overcame it.
What you are likely going through is what I like to call spiritual training. Like physical fitness it sucks at first because you’ve never used those muscles before. Once you get a hang of it you will learn to thrive in the discomfort, instead of fear it!! The muscle God is asking you to work out, is the most important one…Faith! He showed himself to you in your imagination, now he wants you to know he’s there by faith. Which is likely why you feel the withdrawal. This is standard training procedure. Everyone close to him goes through it (again read the about Mystic Saints Teresa D’Avila, St. Catherine of Sienna, St. Padre Pio etc). This process is what God uses with all his children to flex the muscle of faith. So…this is a good thing. This feeling of being alone is actually the proof you seek. In reality he’s so close to you, it’s harder for you to detect him. (I know it sounds backwards, but when you come out on the other side of this leg of your journey you’ll understand.) Google the poem “Footprints” to get a better idea of what I mean.

And you are right, most people called to serve Christ want their own relationship with Christ not a manufactured or inherited one. So go, get to know the greatest man to ever grace this planet. Learn what made him smile, what made him cry, and what frightened him! Best person to ask these questions, other than Christ himself, is his Mother! Our Lady will joyfully unlock the key to her son’s heart if you ask it of her.

I can assure you in advance in response to that kind of request Our Lady’s going to ask you to pray the rosary. I know you already did but this time make sure when you pray the Rosary you are not just doing the vocal prayer. Make sure you are also doing the contemplative prayer. The Mysteries themselves. Use that powerful imagination that God gave you when praying them. For example, when praying the Joyful mysteries, envision yourself at the manger hearing the giggles and cries of our new born Lord! Feel the coarse sand of Bethlehem at your bare feet. Bask in the soothing light of the North Star above you, etc.
You remind me of my 15 year old son. He is also a deep thinker, and feels deeply too. Those are gifts. Develop them, they will serve you and God’s kingdom well.
You are not broken, nothing is wrong with you, everything is as it should be. Just walk the path you already want to be on, and you’ll be fine.

Sending you love and prayer!
Bodhi