Don't know what to do

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I hope I can get some words of wisdom for my dd who is 14 years old and in 9th grade. I have homeschooled her since third grade and still am homeschooling her. She takes two online classes with Florida Virtual School and passed one with an A. She takes one public school class which is culinary and gets A’s and B’s for her final quarter grade, but usually gets a low C or D on her exams. I guess the teacher counts these recipes that they have to write down in a journal and their cooking time as well. With me, she is taking Algebra I and is still not done with second quarter, English which she is also not done with second quarter and Biology same thing, Religion and Reading. She is struggling in all her classes with me. Her focus is terrible and doesn’t remember what she just read. I did test her for ADHD and she doesn’t have it. I got her tested at a place called LearningRx, you can google it if you want and she scored low in many areas like short and long term memory. I do have her registered with the county and with an umbrella school. I have not turned in her second quarter grades in the three subjects I mentioned above. She tells me that she doesn’t understand Algebra or Biology. English she is just lazy. I have gone over the Algebra with her and she says she still doesn’t get it. The same with Biology. I tell her she actually has to study Biology due to the many new terms she is learning, but she says she is trying. I asked her to take notes, but she doesn’t. She just says she wants to go to public school. I am afraid first that she won’t be done with 9th grade before the next school year starts and next that she will get bad grades in HS is she goes to public school. She is training her brain with LearningRx and I hope that helps for it is expensive. When I see her on the TV, I tell her to turn it off and catch up on her school work and she yells and says she is in prison and wants out. I think she is depressed as well. She is very angry at God. On Good Friday, my husband was listening to some prayers he has on a CD and it bothered her. She said we were going to church and if we had to listen to more “****” on the way there. She put her own music on and my husband wanted to talk to her about her comment. Then she yells and says she wished that Jesus was never born and never came into our lives. She said she was not going to receive Holy Communion and she didn’t. I was sick and so was my husband on Easter, so we did not go to Mass. My husband went to daily Mass on Monday and brought us Communion for I was still sick and she refused to receive. I don’t know if this “I hate religion and Jesus,” is typical or not for this age group. I can only compare her to my niece who is now 17 and went through this too, but it was more because her parents were getting divorce and still have custody issues. The 17 year old now goes to Mass if she wants and if she doesn’t it doesn’t bother her. She knows it is wrong because she goes to a Catholic HS. She just doesn’t care. Her dad doesn’t go to Mass, so she doesn’t care. Her brother who is 14 doesn’t go to Mass either. We force our daughter to go and she obeys, my sister lost control of her kids long time ago so they won’t listen to her. I talked to a priest and he said that she has to go to Mass, but not force her with family prayers. That is a bid issue too. Then when I looked through her ITunes account, I find songs by Ninki Minaj and others that I did not like and read the lyrics to the music with tons of profanity. I told her she is to have all music approved by me and why did she purchase those. I told her I was going to delete them and she just said, “I have them memorized.” I feel that I have failed her in some way. I don’t know what to do except pray for her, but her school work that is all together another issue, she has to care about her grades and she doesn’t seem to be.
 
Pray divine mercy and do it for her intentions of a conversion… By the way if she likes nicki minaj tell her to listen to the first line of her song ‘freedom’ I know the rest of her lyrics are pointless and sinful but I found that line a good sign from an artist like her… God bless you and your family… Il pray for you
 
what do you do with DD for fun? when was the last time you two played together?
 
I have no answers, but I can tell you this: My own parents doubled down on “religion” when I was a teenager and started to rebel. I have been miserable ever since.

Read my blog, if you want so know the particulars.

At this point, you may still be able to save the relationship. Possibly even her relationship to Catholicism. I’d suggest a good family counselor and ONE WHO IS NOT A PRIEST!
 
nana3 said:

“She just says she wants to go to public school. I am afraid first that she won’t be done with 9th grade before the next school year starts and next that she will get bad grades in HS is she goes to public school.”

From what you’ve said of her academic performance, I think it would probably be a good idea to place her in 9th grade next year, unless there’s dramatic improvement.

Just as an issue of kid management, I think I’d let her talk me into it, while extracting promises of good behavior and explaining that if her grades aren’t satisfactory, she’s going to need to return to homeschooling. Remember, you are doing her a favor by letting her do public school. I’d mention to her that the problem with public school is that if she went, given the amount of work she’s done, she’d probably not be able to start 10th grade. That would be terrible, wouldn’t it honey? I don’t think it would be tragedy for her to repeat 9th grade in public school, but it might light a fire under her and she might pull herself together enough to be able to do 10th grade.

“Her focus is terrible and doesn’t remember what she just read.”

Is this new? If it is new, I’d be worried. I think you should have her tested and evaluated, to get an idea of what her capabilities are, whether there are any learning disabilities, and what your expectations of her school work ought to be.

“I talked to a priest and he said that she has to go to Mass, but not force her with family prayers.”

That’s very sensible.

I agree with the previous poster about not doubling down on religion. You also might want to think about involving her in the corporal works of mercy, as that might be a much more accessible aspect of her faith for her right now.

Best wishes!
 
Oh, this is scary. I did have problems with my dd when she was 17. I didn’t like the boyfriend and grades were slipping. In addition to crashing the car and general drama our family life was poor. She was the oldest of five. We never backed down on going to Mass but the counselor we got was useless. She thought we should let her go for the weekend camping with her boyfriend:eek: we said no.

Things finally got better when she went away to college:shrug: she came back great! :o

Pm me and I’ll try to help:confused:if I can.

I’ll keep you all in my prayers.
 
I detest the early teen years. It’s usually 13 that they seem to get a bit difficult in our house.

Your priest is right. You must bring her to Sunday mass, but do not force her to pray or force her to receive Our Lord in Holy Communion. Continue to pray for her and try your best to be patient. Does most of the disciplining come from you? If so, perhaps your husband could calmly step in and have discussions (no yelling, no insults, etc) with her. This is a yucky time of life for her, and she may not know it, but she is suffering from all the changes her body is going through. No one wants to be miserable and it sounds as if she is (and making you miserable too!) Keep talking to her and encouraging her to do better. Let her know in a loving way that you know she can do it and understand that it might be difficult for her. If she does get sassy, just remind her to rephrase things in a more respectful way. When saying your prayers or going to church (other than Sunday) offer to let her come with you, but don’t force it.

As for her academics, have you had her tested by a medical professional? or has the public school district tested her for a disability? Often times, dyslexic kids are misdiagnosed because they find reading difficult and their mind wanders away. Perhaps she has a learning disability that is finally causing troubles for her?
 
nana3 said:
I hope I can get some words of wisdom for my dd who is 14 years old and in 9th grade. I have homeschooled her since third grade and still am homeschooling her. She takes two online classes with Florida Virtual School and passed one with an A. She takes one public school class which is culinary and gets A’s and B’s for her final quarter grade, but usually gets a low C or D on her exams. I guess the teacher counts these recipes that they have to write down in a journal and their cooking time as well. With me, she is taking Algebra I and is still not done with second quarter, English which she is also not done with second quarter and Biology same thing, Religion and Reading. She is struggling in all her classes with me. Her focus is terrible and doesn’t remember what she just read. I did test her for ADHD and she doesn’t have it. I got her tested at a place called LearningRx, you can google it if you want and she scored low in many areas like short and long term memory. I do have her registered with the county and with an umbrella school. I have not turned in her second quarter grades in the three subjects I mentioned above. She tells me that she doesn’t understand Algebra or Biology. English she is just lazy. I have gone over the Algebra with her and she says she still doesn’t get it. The same with Biology. I tell her she actually has to study Biology due to the many new terms she is learning, but she says she is trying. I asked her to take notes, but she doesn’t. She just says she wants to go to public school. I am afraid first that she won’t be done with 9th grade before the next school year starts and next that she will get bad grades in HS is she goes to public school. She is training her brain with LearningRx and I hope that helps for it is expensive. When I see her on the TV, I tell her to turn it off and catch up on her school work and she yells and says she is in prison and wants out. I think she is depressed as well. She is very angry at God. On Good Friday, my husband was listening to some prayers he has on a CD and it bothered her. She said we were going to church and if we had to listen to more “****” on the way there. She put her own music on and my husband wanted to talk to her about her comment. Then she yells and says she wished that Jesus was never born and never came into our lives. She said she was not going to receive Holy Communion and she didn’t. I was sick and so was my husband on Easter, so we did not go to Mass. My husband went to daily Mass on Monday and brought us Communion for I was still sick and she refused to receive. I don’t know if this “I hate religion and Jesus,” is typical or not for this age group. I can only compare her to my niece who is now 17 and went through this too, but it was more because her parents were getting divorce and still have custody issues. The 17 year old now goes to Mass if she wants and if she doesn’t it doesn’t bother her. She knows it is wrong because she goes to a Catholic HS. She just doesn’t care. Her dad doesn’t go to Mass, so she doesn’t care. Her brother who is 14 doesn’t go to Mass either. We force our daughter to go and she obeys, my sister lost control of her kids long time ago so they won’t listen to her. I talked to a priest and he said that she has to go to Mass, but not force her with family prayers. That is a bid issue too. Then when I looked through her ITunes account, I find songs by Ninki Minaj and others that I did not like and read the lyrics to the music with tons of profanity. I told her she is to have all music approved by me and why did she purchase those. I told her I was going to delete them and she just said, “I have them memorized.” I feel that I have failed her in some way. I don’t know what to do except pray for her, but her school work that is all together another issue, she has to care about her grades and she doesn’t seem to be.
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Do you think counseling might help?
 
When it comes to education of children, what’'s most important here is making sure a child receives an adequate education. Parents are responsible for a child’s religious education, but parents are not charged with responsibility for a child to learn secular subjects.

With respect, ma’am, you demonstrate by your writing that you are not necessarily competent to teach high school-level subjects. Your post is one gigantic run-on paragraph–not good English at all. A teenager who wrote this in a middle-school English class would not receive a good grade.

I can’t help but wonder about your competency to teach high school biology and math.

I think it’s vital that home-schooling parents understand and accept when they are in over their heads regarding certain subjects, especially the college prep subjects like English, biology, and math.

In our city, there is a home-schooled co-op in which parents team up to teach their children advanced subjects. High school biology, chemistry, physics, English, math, etc. are taught by parents who have expertise in these subjects. Perhaps there is a co-op like this in your city–please investigate.

If there is no co-op, and if you can’t afford tuition for a private/parochial school, I suggest that you send your daughter to public school.

As for her attitude and behavior, this is all perfectly normal for 14-year old girls. You have to be careful not to clamp down too hard, because this will only incite more rebellion.

Your goal at this point should be for your daughter to be capable of functioning as an adult by age sixteen (16).

This means that she should be capable of cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, holding down a part-time job, money management, driving a car, making her own doctor and dentist appointments and keeping them, doing her share of chores in the household without being asked, caring for her own body and clothing, planning and participating in her own choice of appropriate (not criminal) social activities and hobbies, and of course, DATING, etc.

I would sit down with her and tell her all this, and ask her to help you come up with a plan that will help her to acquire all these “adult” skills in the next two years and basically be acting as an independent person by age 16. Tell her that you plan to give her freedoms as soon as she is ready for them (e.g., a drivers’ license when she is able to pass the required written and driving tests). Have her help you map out the action plan to acquire the other skills.

BTW, I am a 56-year-old woman who raised two daughters (with my husband). They are now 31 and 28, and doing very well in life.
 
Cat said:

“With respect, ma’am, you demonstrate by your writing that you are not necessarily competent to teach high school-level subjects. Your post is one gigantic run-on paragraph–not good English at all. A teenager who wrote this in a middle-school English class would not receive a good grade. I can’t help but wonder about your competency to teach high school biology and math.”

True, but ow!

“I would sit down with her and tell her all this, and ask her to help you come up with a plan that will help her to acquire all these “adult” skills in the next two years and basically be acting as an independent person by age 16. Tell her that you plan to give her freedoms as soon as she is ready for them (e.g., a drivers’ license when she is able to pass the required written and driving tests). Have her help you map out the action plan to acquire the other skills.”

Very true.

I think the OP would benefit from not having to wear the “black hat” and being the “bad cop” all the time. If she shares the supervisory duties for academics with her daughter’s teachers, her daughter can complain to her “Mr. Jones is so unfair!” and the OP can say, “There, there,” instead of having to BE Mr. Jones.
 
Xantippe said:
nana3 said:

“She just says she wants to go to public school. I am afraid first that she won’t be done with 9th grade before the next school year starts and next that she will get bad grades in HS is she goes to public school.”

From what you’ve said of her academic performance, I think it would probably be a good idea to place her in 9th grade next year, unless there’s dramatic improvement.

Just as an issue of kid management, I think I’d let her talk me into it, while extracting promises of good behavior and explaining that if her grades aren’t satisfactory, she’s going to need to return to homeschooling. Remember, you are doing her a favor by letting her do public school. I’d mention to her that the problem with public school is that if she went, given the amount of work she’s done, she’d probably not be able to start 10th grade. That would be terrible, wouldn’t it honey? I don’t think it would be tragedy for her to repeat 9th grade in public school, but it might light a fire under her and she might pull herself together enough to be able to do 10th grade.

“Her focus is terrible and doesn’t remember what she just read.”

Is this new? If it is new, I’d be worried. I think you should have her tested and evaluated, to get an idea of what her capabilities are, whether there are any learning disabilities, and what your expectations of her school work ought to be.

“I talked to a priest and he said that she has to go to Mass, but not force her with family prayers.”

That’s very sensible.

I agree with the previous poster about not doubling down on religion. You also might want to think about involving her in the corporal works of mercy, as that might be a much more accessible aspect of her faith for her right now.

Best wishes!
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I think it would be a good idea to place her in ninth grade regardless of her improvement. Going to school will be a huge transition for her. I think it would be best if you have her get a fresh start at the beginning. There will be other 15 year olds in the ninth grade so she will not be off!
 
SouthCatholic said:

“There will be other 15 year olds in the ninth grade so she will not be off!”

No kidding! My daughter has a very manly 13-year-old classmate in her 6th grade class.

My only concern would be giving her a motivation for continuing to work on her academics until the school year starts. I’d be afraid that she’d slack off if she knew she was just starting 9th grade again.
 
nana3 said:
I hope I can get some words of wisdom for my dd who is 14 years old and in 9th grade. I have homeschooled her since third grade and still am homeschooling her. She takes two online classes with Florida Virtual School and passed one with an A. She takes one public school class which is culinary and gets A’s and B’s for her final quarter grade, but usually gets a low C or D on her exams. I guess the teacher counts these recipes that they have to write down in a journal and their cooking time as well. With me, she is taking Algebra I and is still not done with second quarter, English which she is also not done with second quarter and Biology same thing, Religion and Reading. She is struggling in all her classes with me. Her focus is terrible and doesn’t remember what she just read. I did test her for ADHD and she doesn’t have it. I got her tested at a place called LearningRx, you can google it if you want and she scored low in many areas like short and long term memory. I do have her registered with the county and with an umbrella school. I have not turned in her second quarter grades in the three subjects I mentioned above. She tells me that she doesn’t understand Algebra or Biology. English she is just lazy. I have gone over the Algebra with her and she says she still doesn’t get it. The same with Biology. I tell her she actually has to study Biology due to the many new terms she is learning, but she says she is trying. I asked her to take notes, but she doesn’t. **She just says she wants to go to public school. ** I am afraid first that she won’t be done with 9th grade before the next school year starts and next that she will get bad grades in HS is she goes to public school. She is training her brain with LearningRx and I hope that helps for it is expensive. When I see her on the TV, I tell her to turn it off and catch up on her school work and she yells and says she is in prison and wants out. I think she is depressed as well. She is very angry at God. On Good Friday, my husband was listening to some prayers he has on a CD and it bothered her. She said we were going to church and if we had to listen to more “****” on the way there. She put her own music on and my husband wanted to talk to her about her comment. Then she yells and says she wished that Jesus was never born and never came into our lives. She said she was not going to receive Holy Communion and she didn’t. I was sick and so was my husband on Easter, so we did not go to Mass. My husband went to daily Mass on Monday and brought us Communion for I was still sick and she refused to receive. I don’t know if this “I hate religion and Jesus,” is typical or not for this age group. I can only compare her to my niece who is now 17 and went through this too, but it was more because her parents were getting divorce and still have custody issues. The 17 year old now goes to Mass if she wants and if she doesn’t it doesn’t bother her. She knows it is wrong because she goes to a Catholic HS. She just doesn’t care. Her dad doesn’t go to Mass, so she doesn’t care. Her brother who is 14 doesn’t go to Mass either. We force our daughter to go and she obeys, my sister lost control of her kids long time ago so they won’t listen to her. I talked to a priest and he said that she has to go to Mass, but not force her with family prayers. That is a bid issue too. Then when I looked through her ITunes account, I find songs by Ninki Minaj and others that I did not like and read the lyrics to the music with tons of profanity. I told her she is to have all music approved by me and why did she purchase those. I told her I was going to delete them and she just said, “I have them memorized.” I feel that I have failed her in some way. I don’t know what to do except pray for her, but her school work that is all together another issue, she has to care about her grades and she doesn’t seem to be.
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Listen to what your daughter is saying. She says she wants to go to public school. She’s not happy with the current situation. You must take that seriously. The current situation is not working for her since she is not doing well in her school work. It’s time to try something else. Praying for success! :signofcross:
 
Thanks for your responses. I know my English grammar is not the best. I have learned so much from her English books. I am very depressed not and teaching Biology and Algebra1 is fun. I understand it and did very well in school. I know many of you meant well but saying I don’t qualify to teach her makes me sad. It makes me feel that I have failed my dd, and maybe I have. I did the best I could. My dh has had anger issues so I have had to protect my dd. he was not physically abuse but just to hush in disciplining her.

On Divine Mercy Sunday, I woke up happy and excited. The day turned out to be one of my worse days. I am sure it was horrible for my dd and dh. My daughter gained weight and out grew her pant slack I bought her. My husband told her to take it off. I was going to let it go but agreed with my dh that the pants were skin tight. She cried and said she can’t take it anymore. She changed her clothes and I knew she was going to pick a dress she outgrew in
Her chest area, so lots of breast was shown. My dh said in. She got hysterical and said she was close to killing herself. I am thinking of putting her in a teen place where they want to commit suicide.

Please try not to tell me I failed my dd. I already know that. I am putting her back in 9th grade next year. She is going to school okay for next school year.

My dd changed when she wrote dirty sexual stories online that I found. She also did porn and other things consider to be mortal sins, I found all this later. I found out today she told her 17 year old cousin she kissed a guy at school. It was a lie to empress her cousin. She kept that a secret from me. I don’t know why since I knew about him.

I am t

Tying my best to be a good Catholic parent. My nieces all think I am crazy when I correct them on morals and modesty. They are Godchildren. I guess I am wrong here too. My dd thinks she is in prison. :(😦
 
My dear, I understand that you are sad, but there truly is no shame in not being qualified to teach your child subjects such as Biology and Algebra. Most parents are not. That is why there are schools full of teachers who spent years in college getting trained in those subjects and who are now getting paid to teach those subjects to other people’s children. The fact that you are not qualified to teach your daughter is truly not a concern.

What IS a very, very HUGE concern is your daughter saying she wants to commit suicide. This goes far beyond what anyone on an online forum can help you with. You need to get your daughter to a professional counselor IMMEDIATELY. There are many underlying issues here that need to be resolved. Prayers for your family.
 
Nana, the great thing about being Catholic is that we are all about new beginnings. Wipe the slate clean and start anew. It comes from confession, but it works in all aspects of our lives.

There is no need to place blame upon yourself for doing your best to educate your daughter. But, right now, it’s not working. Just say that - it’s not working. The natural rebellion at this age and pitting you against her every day for school is just too much for your relationship.

By removing your areas of combat (school) you can help her through these years and be an ally against the world, instead of one of the people she is fighting against.

Church? She’s hitting you where she knows it will hurt.
 
PaulinVA said:

“The natural rebellion at this age and pitting you against her every day for school is just too much for your relationship.”

Yes! The nice thing about school is that teachers can be the “bad guy” while parents can be warm and supportive. This is particularly important in the teen years.

nana3,

How about getting her some clothes that actually fit and getting rid of the ones that don’t? Popping out of her clothes (and being told that she is) is hurting her self-esteem.

If she has clothes that aren’t suitable anymore, you can tell her that you are giving them to her younger cousins or friends’ kids who need them and make them disappear.

It’s also likely that she needs more exercise than she’s getting being at home so much.

“She got hysterical and said she was close to killing herself. I am thinking of putting her in a teen place where they want to commit suicide.”

Talking to a hotline would be a very good idea.

I think she probably needs to spend some time outside the house this summer. Is there a course she could take or a job she could do? A community college art or craft class or swimming or something non-academic like that might be a nice break for her.
 
First let me say that I am qualify to teach her in Biology and Algebra. I get those subjects. The only subject I am not so great at is English. My dd is great in English though because she wants to be an author some day. So putting that to rest. I know it is not working. The religion things she says and saying she will commit suicide are just her way to control me and make me feel for her. After she calmed down, she told me she did not mean anything, but just knows it hurts her father to say them. She knows what she is doing.

She is seeing a psychologist, we all are, so that is being taken care of. This summer she will be helping out in VBS at our church despite her being so far behind. I think if she applied herself, she could finish ninth grade. She just wants to hurt us as parents. She does everything the opposite of her father. He then gets depressed. I am in the middle. Yes, I have bought her clothes that fit her and the ones that don’t, she doesn’t want me to get rid of them. She is the first to say, “my boobs are popping out” and I agree.

Some of you are making me to be a bad parent. I don’t need this now in my life. I failed my daughter, not in the school area, but in the moral area. Thanks for everything, but I guess it was a mistake to come on here. As some of you said, there is a lot going on and there is. Just pray for us. Thanks.
 
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