Dont know where to turn

[curiousone]

. My wife told me that she has had feelings for another man for a few months and that they kissed last week. I am obviously hurt and confused about my next step. She states she wants the marriage to work but says she needs closure with him. She says to apologize for hurting his family and him. I feel that this is unnecessary and that if she were to do it it would be a deal breaker. I might be able to let her do a letter or even be there during call. Am I being unreasonable by saying she shouldn’t even talk to him again.

 

[Rence]

In my opinion, no. She can get closure by breaking it off completely, which is what she should be doing. She doesn’t need ‘closure’ to apologize to him. I guess if you are agreeable to it, she can write him a letter apologizing for her indiscretion, but seeing or talking with him again would be a dealbreaker for me. She needs to remove herself from the situation immediately.

 

[Ophelia23]

In my opinion, no. She can get closure by breaking it off completely, which is what she should be doing. She doesn’t need ‘closure’ to apologize to him. I guess if you are agreeable to it, she can write him a letter apologizing for her indiscretion, but seeing or talking with him again would be a dealbreaker for me. She needs to remove herself from the situation immediately.

I’m inclined to agree. It of course depends on the OP. Ultimately, I feel that if you (OP) are uncomfortable with it, then by default she should not have any further contact–even an apology. The relationship should be severed completely, immediately, and with utmost expedience. If you are agreeable to her writing a letter, then I would also be in support of that. I can understand to a degree why she would want to write a letter, but like I have said I think it depends completely and understandably on you.

My heart pours out for you in this situation. For what it is worth, my parents went through a very similar situation. The fruit of this indiscretion were divorce papers, signed and ready to go. But the Holy Spirit allowed more fruits–healthy and helpful fruits–to come forward. My parents worked through it. It was an awful time to be at home. There were fights. There were conversations that I couldn’t help overhearing and didn’t want to hear. But they are so much better for it. This brought out all of the flaws in the marriage, and they faced them together even though there were days at a time when they absolutely did not like one another. That was 12 years ago. They’ve now been married for 37 years, and are happier today than I had ever known them to be.

God bless.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

. My wife told me that she has had feelings for another man for a few months and that they kissed last week. I am obviously hurt and confused about my next step. She states she wants the marriage to work but says she needs closure with him. She says to apologize for hurting his family and him. I feel that this is unnecessary and that if she were to do it it would be a deal breaker. I might be able to let her do a letter or even be there during call. Am I being unreasonable by saying she shouldn’t even talk to him again.

No! For me that would be it. But that is me. Wish you well.

 

[coachkfan1]

. My wife told me that she has had feelings for another man for a few months and that they kissed last week. I am obviously hurt and confused about my next step. She states she wants the marriage to work but says she needs closure with him. She says to apologize for hurting his family and him. I feel that this is unnecessary and that if she were to do it it would be a deal breaker. I might be able to let her do a letter or even be there during call. Am I being unreasonable by saying she shouldn’t even talk to him again.

Apologize to him and his family??? Sheeet, she needs to be apologizing to you and your family for her betrayal and be thinking of some concrete steps that she can take to repair the damage that she has done to your marriage. Trust me, the other guy will be fine. Frankly, if she is admitting to kissing the guy, I would suspect that might be only part of the story. Whatever happens I pray that you can work it out.

 

[Irishmom2]

Apologize to him and his family??? Sheeet, she needs to be apologizing to you and your family for her betrayal and be thinking of some concrete steps that she can take to repair the damage that she has done to your marriage.

Let him apologize to his own family. It’s not like he wasn’t involved in it.

Please insist that you and your wife go to counseling together. What your wife did may be a symptom of something else being wrong. Your marriage doesn’t have to be over. If she won’t go, go by yourself. It will help you.

May God bless you and your wife and guide you both.

 

[Actaeon]

. My wife told me that she has had feelings for another man for a few months and that they kissed last week. I am obviously hurt and confused about my next step. She states she wants the marriage to work but says she needs closure with him. She says to apologize for hurting his family and him. I feel that this is unnecessary and that if she were to do it it would be a deal breaker. I might be able to let her do a letter or even be there during call. Am I being unreasonable by saying she shouldn’t even talk to him again.

What in the world could she POSSIBLY get from “closure”???

She has a family she needs to work to save right now, and going to see this guy one more time isn’t going to help her family. Let him tend to his own family situation. There is positively nothing holy that can be gained by her meeting with this guy one more time, and so much at risk for mentally legitizing it as a relationship that needs some sort of “closure”.

It wasn’t a relationship, it was an approach to an affair that was broken off in time. It doesn’t need closure because it wasn’t anything valid or moral! What it needs is to be abandoned and for her to not ever have any contact with this guy again!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

. My wife told me that she has had feelings for another man for a few months and that they kissed last week. I am obviously hurt and confused about my next step. She states she wants the marriage to work but says she needs closure with him. She says to apologize for hurting his family and him. I feel that this is unnecessary and that if she were to do it it would be a deal breaker. I might be able to let her do a letter or even be there during call. Am I being unreasonable by saying she shouldn’t even talk to him again.

What??? Closure??? The heck…

I would kick her out the door and say, “here’s your CLOSURE honey!” and slam the door.

She is saying she needs to apologize to HIM and not YOU??? Yeah, closure…

:nope::dts::banghead:

You might be a better person than I am but if my husband was that far gone, it’d be hard for me to ever trust him again. It’s not any particular ACT, because some will say, “But they didn’t DO IT!” But that frame of mind - that she needs “closure” and that she needs to apologize to the jerk whom she’s been flirting and who knows what else…THAT would tell me everything I need to know.

I’d be seeing the divorce lawyer the next day. Yes I know as Catholics we aren’t ever divorced unless there is an annulment. Infidelity just goes beyond fixing for me.

 

[Francie3]

Guilt can be self-indulgent. Repentance is in doing the right thing now. The other couple have the major task of sorting out their issues of trust and whether they can hold their marriage together. An apology is a little band-aid on a large gaping wound. It might make her feel better but not do much for the wound. If it could help them, God grant it will occur, but you would have difficulty in trusting them both for any further contact. If she ‘must’ apologize be there as you say, but a clean break has more integrity. Does she think he should apologize to you? You possibly have no more comfort in that than the wife would have.

Father grant true repentance and firm purpose of amendment to the two who betrayed their spouses in the hearts and kiss, and help the marriages to rebuild justified trust in forgiveness and mutual charity.

 

[Dark_Shadows]

Lot’s wife looked back! Tell her that directly. Lot’s wife looked back! She must break all ties immediately and have no contact what-so-ever. She is playing with fire.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Lot’s wife looked back! Tell her that directly. Lot’s wife looked back! She must break all ties immediately and have no contact what-so-ever. She is playing with fire.

OOOOOH, NICE OT reference my friend!!! Yeah, Lot’s wife DID look back. Nice!!!

:bowdown:

 

[curiousone]

Thanks for all advice and support. We have talked and she understands why that is unacceptable. We went and talked to our priest and also started counseling. It’s gonna be a long road. Please pray for us.

 

[Friday_child]

Praying for your marriage Curiousone. I am glad she accepted that was not a possibility and that your marriage is what really matters.

 

[Irishmom2]

Thanks for all advice and support. We have talked and she understands why that is unacceptable. We went and talked to our priest and also started counseling. It’s gonna be a long road. Please pray for us.

So happy to hear that, curiousone. It will be a long road, but at least you are both on the same road now and walking together. May God bless you both and bring you closer together. May he heal all your wounds and give you a happy life with one another.

 

[kdub432]

You are not being unreasonable.

Might around trite in some ways, but turn to Jesus!

 

[grace68]

Praying for the healing of your marriage.

May God bless your family!

Kerri

 

[SamH]

What??? Closure??? The heck…

I would kick her out the door and say, “here’s your CLOSURE honey!” and slam the door.

She is saying she needs to apologize to HIM and not YOU??? Yeah, closure…

:nope::dts::banghead:

Just make sure the door has a new lock.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks for all advice and support. We have talked and she understands why that is unacceptable. We went and talked to our priest and also started counseling. It’s gonna be a long road. Please pray for us.

I will add you to my prayers. I am glad she will do counseling!

 

[chevalier]

. My wife told me that she has had feelings for another man for a few months and that they kissed last week. I am obviously hurt and confused about my next step. She states she wants the marriage to work but says she needs closure with him. She says to apologize for hurting his family and him. I feel that this is unnecessary and that if she were to do it it would be a deal breaker. I might be able to let her do a letter or even be there during call. Am I being unreasonable by saying she shouldn’t even talk to him again.

That’s a subjective thing, not everybody’s system works the same way. It involves individual character and temper a lot. The most important thing is she wants to end it, don’t estrange her by putting emphasis on fringe aspects of the problem. She could find your demands unreasonable and feel pushed apart from you, while you need her out of the affair and as close to you as possible. Try to avoid deciding if you allow her to do this or that. It’s hard but you need to respect the ordinary freedom she still has like everybody else does, even if she has wronged you. You can’t be managing her phone or mail as if she were a little daughter. She still answers to God and has objective morality to look at, you as an external rule-maker or rule-enforcer won’t do much good there, I think (if she wouldn’t listen to God, would she listen to you?). Besides, she’s already made her choice. So let her execute it. Just don’t be oblivious, that’s all.

Also, I’m picking up a hint of her taking the blame on herself. Obviously, I don’t have hard evidence, the part about apologising sounds that way. If so, then she may have some guilt problems, and people can sometimes be guilt-tripped into little concessions from objective morality. So she might need some help with that, I guess (I emphasise that “guess” is the right word here).

Thanks for all advice and support. We have talked and she understands why that is unacceptable. We went and talked to our priest and also started counseling. It’s gonna be a long road. Please pray for us.

Oops, sorry. Well, I’ll still leave the post be.