Don't want to attend sister's wedding

[EasterJoy]

…if you are having trouble with your sister, your brother, and your mother - that’s a lot of people at once you are having trouble with - it may be that all the trouble is all created by them, but at some point we each need to consider that if I am having problems with several people at once, maybe the common factor is actually me. What am I doing to cause or aggravate these dramas?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve met some folks who are remarkably sane, considering their families of origin. Sometimes there really is a first person in the family who catches on that the situation at home is not according to Hoyle. That person moves out, gets on a sane footing, and is sometimes the means by which the family system starts to improve. Sometimes, though…not so much. They get out of the building, and that’s all they can manage.

Having said that: yes, biting your tongue when your sister who has just been in a crash yells at you is something most of us would want to have done, in retrospect. The problem is that your own adrenaline is high at a time like that, and things fly out that you don’t mean. The severity of the situation as a whole does not necessarily sink in at the time it is happening and the optimal time frame for assessing the best way to navigate it is not always there.

This results in the quip among family therapists: What is the definition of a dysfunctional family? A dysfunctional family may defined as any family with more than one person in it.

 

[underacloud]

I don’t know about you, but I’ve met some folks who are remarkably sane, considering their families of origin.

I can’t believe that my wife is from the same stock as her sister and brother.

 

[IrishAm]

I am 40, she is 33 and my brother is 34.

I read it twice. Given the dynamics described, I pictured those involved as all under 21. Weddings have a way of bringing out the worst in people especially families in already stressful situations, and your father’s death may well have thrown everyone for a loop and tossed you all back to teenaged ways of relating to one another. I think the best way to handle it all would be with a gracious smile, a helping hand, and an open mind. Let whatever happened before not impact the wedding and whatever happens later not be colored by the wedding events.

 

[kittery]

I don’t know about you, but I’ve met some folks who are remarkably sane, considering their families of origin. Sometimes there really is a first person in the family who catches on that the situation at home is not according to Hoyle. That person moves out, gets on a sane footing, and is sometimes the means by which the family system starts to improve. Sometimes, though…not so much. They get out of the building, and that’s all they can manage.

.

I will say this. I went to college when I was 17 and moved out for good (no more summers at home) when I was 20. It was a bitter separation as they treated me like an appendage rather than a part of the family even then. Then I converted 12 years ago and things have never been exactly comfortable because my family does not communicate well. I’ve been in Christian counseling for the past year trying to learn how to navigate my family without my dad who was able to hold everyone together. My counselor has told me numerous times that she believes I’m the healthiest one emotionally in our family and I think it’s because I left the nest.

My mom is emotionally stunted from a hard childhood. She wasnt able to offer me what I needed emotionally growing up. After dad died, things unravelled as my mom became the center of the family and there is a lot of duplicity. She will tell one sibling one thing and me another, and you never really know if anything she says is true or not. It’s a land mine. My brother always worked for my dad in construction until he got sick. My sister never moved out of the house until my dad died. Then she just up and bolted to get away from my mom. Mom was so hurt by that and I spent nearly every single day with her for the first 6 months after dad died (she was unable to drive due to her seizure disorder flaring up from all the stress) so I drove her wherever she wanted to go.

My husband has always said he can’t believe I came from where I came from because I’m so different. But I doubt myself every day and I feel insecure. I have asked myself if it’s me causing all the problems. No one that knows me has said they think it’s me. And I’ve begged my counselor to tell me if she thought otherwise but she is adamant that I’m pretty healthy emotionally.

 

[EasterJoy]

I can’t believe that my wife is from the same stock as her sister and brother.

OK, so you know exactly what I mean! It’s the old “ok, so you’re right, you ARE the only one who isn’t nuts. Forgive me for ever doubting you.”

 

[wcknight]

Life is too short to hold grudges even with folks who seemingly have toxic personalities.

I have a nephew whose wife isolated him and their future family from the day of their proposed wedding until now. That was over 10 years ago. No one in our family has ever seen their son who is now about 8 or 9. That is insane, The wife blames my sister (now her mother in law) and my niece for ‘ruining’ her plan for a big wedding. The wife refuse to let my nephew or their child attend any family functions on our side.

My sister has only seen her grandson a few times since his birth,

Some folks just have a different idea on what is rude, or selfish or downright nasty, Do not join them or isolate yourself by letting them upset you. Be yourself, be as gracious as you usually are, no matter how poorly they treat you. People know who the villains are, do not join them.