Doubt and Frustration

[MA1965]

I hope that one young lady struggling to keep going to church gains strength. I didn’t want to enter that my thread because I did not want to lead her astray.

I am a musician losing the ability to hear
I am losing the ability to walk due to a defective spine
My digestive system is trouble so that I eat mostly oatmeal
and I do not find it humourous.
High blood pressure is causing problems that I cannot use exercise due to the bad spine to help.

I either sleep preparing for work or go to work on Sunday that started a process of not getting to Mass I tried going when I used to and three and a half hours of sleep found me falling asleep at the wheel on the highway on the way home.

I have to assist in attending to an infirm father on Saturday to such an extent as going to Mass on Saturday is impossible. This to care for a child abuser who never told me he was sorry for smashing a wall in with my seven year old body.

I am bipolar with a very good Doctor. I love my little sister. I do not even think of giving up while my sister is alive. I am older and when I was still praying, I prayed that she out live me as I am
probably doomed without her

I had my appendix out in a very critical manner that made me realize I had no longer had any sense of anything. It was a totally agnostic experience. It wasn’t so much not caring as just letting go.

If I believe anything it is I am experiencing hell and either it is a psychological delusion or God finds what I am going through amusing. Because I have had people from time to time say :God never throws anything you can’t handle.I counter yes he does. I can’t handle going deaf. I am stuck in showing how deep this goes because of mitigating my actions and previous assurances I have made to not give up because of my sister and to a lesser but still important extent, my psychiatrist. In fact I will tell my doctor about this thread. It is something that for whatever reason, perhaps not the best self rooted reasons, I will not harm myself. I keep this Catholic teaching.

I will say I always give up too early. I have not even seen the ear doctor yet as there is a process of screening for medicine interactons. It could be someting as simple as getting asprin out of my system.

I have had people legalisticallytell me going to Friday Mass would not satisfy the obligation. It is so easy for somone else to say quit and go without health insurance. I know the bigger reccomendation is to look for another job. I have tried this where I am at. Once I was told I was the number two candidate! As if anything else mattered but winning out. So the inaccesibility to Mass continues. There is even a Mass three football fields away that I could use for dinner time to go to Mass. Every time I announce this my coverng employee who is retiring in two years and knows he cannot be replaced due to a hiring freeze just ups and leaves so that I cannot go to the Mass I announced I wanted to go to. Can you imagine if I took formal disciplinary action for not have cooperation in attending Mass? It is only ten months of the year, but it is right there. A public university will not make the same endeavor as it does for other “diverse” issues.

I might point out that any member here who too easily saying get another job, without acknowledging how hard it is, also have children who are attending students that help keep low paid workers on the job on days such as Pentecost and Easter.

I guess after writing this a second time I see it is not so much do I believe in God as does God believe in me? I feel the onset of a serious of events I fear I cannot overcome. As I said I am responible to my sister and my Doctor, but it would be nice to somehow find sense of self direction, even self worth. Perhaps this is a prayer and I just didn’t know it.

Thanks,

 

[asquared]

if you can’t get to Mass because of your own health, caring for someone else or any other good reason you have no obligation. If you can go at another time during the week, that’s great, and will help you in your current circumstance, but not required. You are already seeking help so won’t urge that, but will be praying for you, No, God is not laughing at you, God did not cause the evil in your life, he is with you always in ways you may never know this side of heaven. If you were my relative I would urge you to find or hire someone else to care for your father. I will from personal experience tell you that if ever you find the grace to forgive him (not condone his actions, but release yourself from the grip of those actions) it will go a long way toward your own healing.

 

[carol_marie]

I am very sorry for your troubles… it does seem that some people get more than their fair share. I hope 2006 is a MUCH better year for you friend. God Bless you,

CM

 

[Tonks40]

MA1965:

I guess after writing this a second time I see it is not so much do I believe in God as does God believe in me? I feel the onset of a serious of events I fear I cannot overcome. As I said I am responible to my sister and my Doctor, but it would be nice to somehow find sense of self direction, even self worth. Perhaps this is a prayer and I just didn’t know it.

Thanks,

Do you realize how much the Holy Spirit is working in you? You ask if God does believe in me…in a nutshell, HE DOES! He has given you the will to keep his commands and being obedient…he knows your struggles, and has been with you the whole time. Your faith attests to that!

He trusts that you will continue with your struggles and still remain faithful to Him. It’s very hard to deal with it all, but I know that when you leave this Earth, I’m sure the Lord will smile upon you and say “Good job.” He hears your prayers, and you have responded to the best of your ability - you’ve kept yourself focused on the Lord as best you can. He cannot be nothing but pleased with what you’ve been going through.

 

[TOME]

MA1965,

Having read your Thread my initial reaction was to write encouranging words that strike even me as trite. So all I will add in this post is my prayer for is that God will send you a mircle. However, not the mircle of having your troubles removed (which would be great). Rather, the mircle I pray for you is that God will send to you someone(s) through whom you will be able to experience His Loving presence in this time of great struggle. Perhaps, this person or people are already present in your life and if so my prayer includes that you will be given the grace(s) to be open to this reality.

Either way, please be assured of my prayers for you.

 

[JMJ_Theresa]

In your shoes I would not worry about missing Sunday Mass; however, you could speak to a priest to set your mind at rest. It sounds though that you are hungering for Mass or perhaps Jesus in the Eucharist? It might be possible for a person to bring you and your father communion.

I am so sorry for your health difficulties. I would recommend annointing of the sick. God has given you the difficult martyrdom of this cross. I hope it will comfort you to meditate on the Passion. Someday, hopefully, you will sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to glorious music of praise and worship.

Your pain, both physical and psychological, when united to the cross can save souls, even the soul of your father.

With all your heavy crosses, I would suggest calling your pastor and asking for spiritual guidance. Or, if there is another priest that you admire, call him.

One time I was arguing with God (mentally) that he should heal a a teenager I know who has autism. I was so surprised to hear (mentally) Jesus say to me, “I like him.” I was stunned. In the world, this young man was seen as a burden, an incomplete person. But Jesus was perfectly happy with him.

God is incredibly in love with you. Someday you will see this time in your life from the vantage point of heaven. You will see how much He loved you in your pain and your grief. He is so pleased with your care of your abuser. He cared for those who abused him, too.

A priest told me once that it was okay to be mad at God. He can take it! Just don’t close the door to Him. God Bless you. I am praying for you. I’m going to Mass in about twenty minutes, and I will remember you at the moment of consecration.

 

[Della]

I just wanted to say amen to everyone’s responses, especially JMJ Theresa’s. Listen to these good people, MA1965, and most importantly DO AS THEY TELL YOU! God bless you and your family. You have my prayers.

 

[PraRFLEsEkHm]

Friend

After prayer and meditation on your circumstances, I feel impressed to say this.

God Bless you. You are in the will of God, rest assured He will not abandon you, although it may feel like it: we do not walk by sight - but by faith. Our Father may not lift this cross from you, just as He didn’t for christ - but the more you die to yourself the more the door is opened for Him to enter and be Lord in your life; the weaker we become in carrying that cross, the more His strength is perfected in us.

Our lives are the pestle and mortar through which we are crucified with Christ, abandon yourself to Him. Emotionally let go of everything in prayer, let Him show you what comes next - you will be blessed.

Also, Our Blessed Mother is right there with you, reach out to her and let her lead you into peace with your circumstances.

I will be praying for you as well. God Bless

Peace

John

 

[the_phoenix]

Dear MA1965:

You remind me of a very holy priest I once knew who had his share of doubts and frustrations like you (yes, and I do mean, like you, because he once publicly told us in a sermon what he was going through) … but he had faith the size of a mustard seed … and so do you.

Hold on to hope. If you cannot, I will hope for you, because I see that if you simply continue to trust in God and seek to do His Will the best you can, Jesus can turn your weakness into greatness for His glory and your good.

With prayer,

~~ the phoenix