Dreading the holidays with parents

[DarkLight]

Back on the original topic:

A couple of quick notes: One, when I say family, I mean just her and my father. I have no siblings and no extended family anywhere nearby. Nor really anyone I know other than my parents. So I’m effectively talking about spending several days in the house with just me and my mother there while my father is at work, or being yelled at by him when he comes home (I have never seen him stand up to anything she does). Actually, come to think of it, I pretty much don’t have anyone in my life that’s not my own age and experience level. I’ve tried a few therapists, with the best cases being trite relativistic advice, and the worst being outright disbelief (in one case even going so far as to disclose session details to her because she “sounded so nice and concerned, she’s just trying to help”). So admittedly I’m a bit desperate for some advice I haven’t tried already.

What I want to do is two-fold, really. One, while I’m fine with getting her (name removed by moderator)ut on decisions, it needs to be accomplished in an appropriate manner, one that does not involve guilt trips or other sorts of manipulative behavior. Two, I need it recognized that my decisions are mine to make, and that past decisions are not up for discussion.

The worries, now. I know I’m supposed to just let it roll off, don’t worry about what she says, don’t get mad or upset, all that sort of thing. Unfortunately for this situation, I have not yet reached perfect control of all my reactions. This is exacerbated by the PTSD, which tends to exaggerate normal feelings and reactions. Keeping my temper around her is difficult, though I can typically manage. Keeping myself from crying or appearing upset by her reactions is even harder. Actually not getting upset or hurt? I haven’t figured that out yet. For all she does, she is the only mother I’m going to get, and right now my parents are the only older people I have in my life (older being out of the 20-something age bracket here). I know that I shouldn’t react…but I do care about her, and many of the issues coming up are ones that are sensitive and difficult for me even without her prodding them.

 

[jazzy0710]

My family has never been terrible, but…my mother and I just do not get along very well. Last Christmas (last time I saw them) was pretty rough. But in any case, this Christmas season - I just chose to take some time off work/school for medical reasons, leaving me likely having to take out a small loan so I don’t have to get another job right away. My mother is going to be furious (1) that I’m considering debt, (2) that I’m taking time off for something that’s “not that big a deal”, (3) that I’m taking time off and not spending any of it at home where she can take care of me, and (4) that I didn’t consult her for any of this. I typically try to avoid talking with her about health because she tries to fix it in entirely unhelpful ways, and won’t be persuaded otherwise by either me or by a professional opinion. Usually her fixes are less about my actual health and more about changing things that she personally dislikes about me.

I need to play nice because I need to stay on my parents’ insurance. I have no idea how to handle her anymore though. Last Christmas I basically came home and cried. Being nice doesn’t help; not engaging with her doesn’t help - it just escalates things. Nothing seems to help except doing exactly what she says all the time. I don’t know what to do anymore other than go home and sit there and hope the panic attacks stay hidden.

Wow. You and I are a lot of like. I have the exact same problems with my mother.

I ended up going to see a psychologist. He’s been a great help. I have learned how to set boundaries very well. Boundaries are very important because the help us to have peace of mind.

You’re an adult with your own life now. Your choices about what you choose to do with work, school, money, etc are absolutely none of her business.

 

[maryjk]

Wow. You and I are a lot of like. I have the exact same problems with my mother.

I ended up going to see a psychologist. He’s been a great help. I have learned how to set boundaries very well. Boundaries are very important because the help us to have peace of mind.

You’re an adult with your own life now. Your choices about what you choose to do with work, school, money, etc are absolutely none of her business.

But DarkLight is still dependent for insurance coverage and possibly money. So the choices that are made, ARE the business of the person paying for those choices.

DarkLight’s parents would be well within their rights, and I think you would be hard pressed to find anything morally wrong with stopping payments for DarkLight’s insurance.

 

[VivienneJ]

DarkLight, you have had a lot of responses and advice and it does seem as though you are to an extent clinging to your problems.

Just a little perspective, I am the daughter of a mother who knew exactly what to say to bring my world crashing down around me - as an adult I had to learn how to set mental and emotional boundaries around my heart and mind to keep me whole for my husband and daughters. So I do understand that.

However, I am also the mother of a young woman with PTSD. For more than 10 years I was first the caring mom (she did experience something so horribly traumatic for a 13 year old girl); then the mom who enabled her to remain stuck in one place.

Enter various people, ranging from the psychologist and psychiatrist who were treating her, to her headmistress, to my spiritual counsellor, to my priest, to a handful of friends who really understood both of us (and my other daughter who had suffered a degree of neglect through the worst years of her older sister’s PTSD). I had some tough decisions to make.

Like you she was studying (she had a loan through our government that covered most of her tuition); she couldn’t find any work (because she didn’t want to); I was the one paying for her medication and the balance of her tuition. While she was still financially dependent upon me I had every right to ask and advise on aspects of her life.

Difficult as your mother undoubtedly is, you are relying on your parents for financial help and owe them a degree of “interference” in your life.

If my daughter, at the height of her PTSD, had decided to take time off from studying and working and take a loan in order to live, believe me, she would have heard some very strong opinions from me, Christmas or not. I do not believe that any good purpose is served by removing oneself from normal life to try to cope with PTSD. Truly, find a counsellor, finish your studies, apply for the benefits that you seem to be eligible for (note I am not in the USA, so have no knowledge of those benefits, but a social worker has advised you there), take responsibility for your own medical bills…then work out how you will get on with your mother.

By the way, my daughter is married, working, and coping with life; some incidents which may have been minor to someone else have been larger in her life and triggered some of the feelings associated with PTSD, but she “made it”.

 

[DarkLight]

This rights talk is interesting…I think we all agree both that adults should have certain rights to make decisions over their own lives, and that the people paying should have certain rights in how their money is spent. The problem I’m seeing is that, when it comes to adults with disabilities (like me), these two rights are coming into conflict. Normally we justify this sort of control by the assumption that adults could and should be independent. Disability throws a wrench into that whole plan - it can make it so you can’t just work and become independent, even if the control is harming your life.

Going on government benefits would raise some similar issues. The biggest one is that my state does not typically give out benefits to students. Since I don’t want to quit school entirely, this means a lot of options are closed. I also just don’t have the time to deal with things…I’ve had several friends apply for disability and say it takes an average of 2-3 years, sometimes more, before you see any money. I have a job come next fall, so that’s not a useful line of inquiry.

As far as my own decision: My problem is that my mother is refusing to interact with the actual situation. I’m not meeting my job requirements because I’m getting panic attacks at bad times. I’m finding myself unable to keep up with an ever-increasing backlog of incomplete class work. I didn’t consult with my mother because she won’t acknowledge that “work harder” isn’t a solution; I don’t need another guilt trip about how if I really put my mind to it all my problems will go away.

Incidentally, the only reason I can consider doing this is that I have always insisted on working when I could, even when my mother didn’t want me to. I worked through college, despite her insistence that “she was paying for it, so why did I need a job?” I worked over the summers when I could find work and put up with being called lazy when I couldn’t, even when I was applying. It’s kind of ironic at this point…the problem doesn’t seem to be whether I’m working or not working, or how much money she’s spending, but that I’m not following her idea of what I should be doing at that particular moment.

 

[DarkLight]

Even with that said…the fundamental issue here isn’t that she’s upset, or that she wants me to do things differently. My fundamental concern is that she’s attempting to manipulate me, rather than discussing things openly and honestly. What I’m hearing is not “I’m upset with you for doing X because Y, I don’t think that was a wise idea.” What I’m hearing is “How could you do this to me, obviously you’re only making these choices because you’re lazy, if you really loved me you wouldn’t do this.”

She does this over a lot of things, too. I know this is a big issue…but we had the same sort of fight last Christmas over, of all things, the color of my clothes and how much makeup I wore! I don’t even get why that is an issue.

 

[maryjk]

Incidentally, the only reason I can consider doing this is that I have always insisted on working when I could, even when my mother didn’t want me to. I worked through college, despite her insistence that “she was paying for it, so why did I need a job?” I worked over the summers when I could find work and put up with being called lazy when I couldn’t, even when I was applying. It’s kind of ironic at this point…the problem doesn’t seem to be whether I’m working or not working, or how much money she’s spending, but that I’m not following her idea of what I should be doing at that particular moment.

Okay, so your parents are also paying for school??? And for your insurance???

It sounds like even though you are an adult, you are not responsible at all for your own finances.

Okay, college is great. It can help you find a better job, you can make more money, the possibilities are endless. BUT, taking money from your parents for school and insurance ties you to them.

Is it worth it?

 

[DarkLight]

Okay, so your parents are also paying for school??? And for your insurance???

It sounds like even though you are an adult, you are not responsible at all for your own finances.

Okay, college is great. It can help you find a better job, you can make more money, the possibilities are endless. BUT, taking money from your parents for school and insurance ties you to them.

Is it worth it?

Wrong tense. I worked through college, which she paid for. I’m done with college and working my own way through grad school. My point in saying that is I feel like she cares less about my actual financial well-being and more about my doing what she wants at the time - even advising against situations that would allow greater independence. The trouble I’m having with insurance right now is that the sorts of jobs I can get (even were I to quit grad school) aren’t compatible with my medical needs at the moment. Which leaves me in an awkward position of being an adult but not being able to take care of myself due to circumstances outside my control.