Drinking a problem?

[JackieMom]

You could be right, and your caution is well-taken. If he doesn’t see a thing wrong with it and continues to find nothing wrong with it, then she has to decide how much it bothers her. Married couples have tolerated worse and still celebrate 50 years ready to do it all over again, but that is a golden rule in courtship: Figure that whoever you marry will not change for the better, be ready to take a few things getting worse, realize that you are also not going to change in any of the ways anyone might hope, and you’ll come out about right. Whoever you take, it is for better or worse, and that is for real!

My point, though, was that this isn’t a level of drinking that would only raise red flags with a Protestant or someone raised with strict temperance ideals. I would not want to give her that idea.

Exactly. He may just like beer, have a high tolerance and that’s that. But chugging 6 packs several nights a week is definitely cause for a frank discussion and honest evaluation by the potential bride. If he is an alcoholic, or is heading down that road, it WILL get worse over time. Maybe when she’s pregnant and really needs him to step up and do more for her and around the house. The point is - if he has no issues with alcohol (i.e. if his doctor told him to quit today, it would not be a big deal in his life), and he will maintain this level of drinking forever, then he may just be someone who enjoys his beer. If he is inclined toward alcohol abuse, his bride is in for a long, sad ride.

Bottom line - if you have to rationalize his drinking, listen to your instinct. No one can tell you exactly HOW many drinks or how many drinking evenings a week crosses the line into alcoholism, because that’s different for everyone. But if his drinking interferes with his life in any negative way at all (does he call you late at night for a ride home after having “one too many?” Does he feel like **** in the morning? Does he say things he shouldn’t? Does he pick up a beer even when you’ve agreed that he won’t drink at a particular event?) you need to proceed with caution, OP.

 

[FriendlyFace]

Spreading 12 over a week is much better than having 12 over only two nights.

I agree. Drinking six beers two nights a week can’t be good for his health, even if he does behave normally. He may have a high tolerance, but he is probably damaging his health anyway. Is he at all wiling to cut back to 2-3 max? That would be better for his liver. I think you’re right to be a little concerned.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

So I have been dating my boyfriend for half a year now and we get along just great. He is a wonderful Catholic man of God and I love him dearly. We have talked about marriage and having a future family and we agree on all the important things. My only concern is that I know he likes to drink beer (as most guys do) but for some reason it is an issue for me that I can’t seem to get over. I have nothing against drinking and know it can be a good thing because obviously Jesus drank wine. I drink occasionally as well. I know he likes beer a lot and when we go out or when he goes to see his guy friends he always drinks it. This will typically happen once or twice a week. He knows that I have issues with him drinking so often (it is to me) and so much even though he acts the same wether he has been drinking or not. I know this is at least in part my own issue but I don’t know how to get past it. Does anyone have some good advice they could give me?

I dont know if this is good advice or not but… Drinking beer is not a sin if we do not get drunk. I am sure you know this. I myself struggle with drinking. I drink everyday. Perhaps I am sinning. But drinking 2 times a week does not equal a drinking problem. It does if this person cannot handle their alcohol and they act out everytime they drink be it twice a week or twice a year. You said yourself that this Man that you like or love acts the same whether he is drinking or not. That means he can control himself. He works I presume? Then, let him drink. Are you more concerned that his drinking can become a bigger issue in the future? Would you be ok with him enjoying afew beers with you or by himself after work but not with his friends? You said you know this is atleast in part your own issue. So why does his having afew beers bother you then? You said he knows about your issue with him drinking? How did he react when you confronted him? As long as he does not become mean or violent when having afew beers, I say be patient and continue to see how it plays out. You obviously care for this man, that is nice. I hope it all works out God bless!

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I’d say it is a matter of whether or not he knows how to drink moderately. My dad used to have a beer and a shot of whiskey every day after work, excepting Advent and Lent. (He said if you can’t give up alcohol for Lent, you have a problem.) In spite of the fact that drinking too much was somewhat prevalent among his contemporaries, I never once saw him drunk. Ever. I know no one else who has, and he is now an elderly man.

If your boyfriend abuses alcohol–that is, if he drinks with the goal of getting drunk–then that is a problem whether or not he is physically addicted. Those who use moderately will occasionally have too much, because human judgment is not perfect, but purposeful drunkenness is wrong, and not something a “wonderful Catholic man of God” ought to allow himself, any more than he’d allow himself an orgy of gluttony.

If he will agree that he will not use when he is down–that is, that he will never use alcohol as a medication for difficult times–then I would not worry if he has some beer when he socializes, provided that he is otherwise taking care of his health. (If he’s getting a “beer belly”, that is bad for him, too.)

GREAT POST! God bless your father. I drink everyday after work (I want to stop soon and I am working on it) But I gave up drinking for lent successfully this last year (2012) and though I occasionally craved a beer, it was never overwhelming. I guess in my case, the line between having a problem or not is blurred when you are a star employee at your job, pay all your bills and do not get mean or violent when drinking. Though I do know I drink more then I think I should.

 

[EasterJoy]

GREAT POST! God bless your father. I drink everyday after work (I want to stop soon and I am working on it) But I gave up drinking for lent successfully this last year (2012) and though I occasionally craved a beer, it was never overwhelming. I guess in my case, the line between having a problem or not is blurred when you are a star employee at your job, pay all your bills and do not get mean or violent when drinking. Though I do know I drink more then I think I should.

They say whether it is gambling, drinking, food, or shopping (or, ahem, time spent on the internet ) the acid test is whether you can stick within the limits you set for yourself beforehand, limits that keep the activity from interfering with the rest of your life. (IOW, if you set your drinking daily alcohol limit at a fifth of Jack Daniels, you won’t get a halo on your kewpie doll for sticking to that!)

On that note…Adios!

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

Purpleo - the facts are (based upon my 50 years of experience with people who are social drinkers, is that any regularity ie the same amount of times, the same place, anything resembling a habit in relation to alcohol consumed outside of the home 3 or more beers or spirits, results in a problem/addiction.

People who are drinkers or non-drinkers may debate or dispute my statement, however it will not change my mind on the matter, based upon facts from family members to friends to friends of friends over a good 50 years.

There are the people who cannot do without their ‘3 or 4 red wines’ after teaching kids all day. People who cannot do without their 3 beers after work whether it be in the home or at a tavern gathered with mates, people who cannot do without their wines at home on their own after work cooking their dinner, people who cannot do without their binge drinking on a regular basis.

Then there are the couples who enjoy their 2 beers or wines together of an evening while cooking their tea and discussing their day. No social exclusion twice a week, the drinks consumed over an hour or two at most, no major side effects and a social get-to-gether shared with one another enhancing their relationship.

A person who needs to habitually spend a few hours drinking twice a week with mates (different if it was a sporting activity or ‘healthier’ get-together with mates) may be setting himself up for a habit difficult to break when you both need time to attend other things during your lives and future, particularly in relation to child rearing and/or supporting one another through life generally.

Habits are unhealthy, particularly habits relating to alcohol.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

she is asking for advice on dealing with a relationship that involves something she has an issue with yet she doesn’t want to leave the relationship. She isn’t asking whether he has a drinking problem and how to convince him into rehab…
i am only advising that it is not wise to stay in a relationship that makes you uncomfortable thinking that you can change him. that is a recipe that will in all likelihood FAIL…

That is why I recommended Al-Anon. It is a support group for people who have a problem with someone else’s drinking. There was no response from the OP about what her fears might stem from. If she has alcoholism in her family of origin, she may be responding out of that background. Or, she may recognize that her boyfriend drinks in an alcoholic manner, even if he doesn’t seem drunk and continues to function, goes to work, etc.

As with the above poster, I think it is not a cut and dried case of “you either are an alcoholic, or you’re not.” I do think that if you have the habit of drinking, and things start to go badly in your life, you are very ripe to begin drinking in an alcoholic fashion. It’s easy to turn to booze as a form of medication, a stress release, etc. if you are already using alcohol for a relaxant.

People who drink on weekends and holidays are binge drinking, perhaps not to drunkenness, yet.

 

[Cable]

…I do not wish to leave the relationship so that is out." I do want to stop nagging him though if possible. Its very hard for me not to get upset when he drinks so much even though he acts normally. Thanks again for any (name removed by moderator)ut.

About a six pack once or twice a week - That’s a lot of stinkin’ beer. I think your intuition is right - he’s either got or is in line for problematic and unhealthy drinking. You know you’re right and yet you question your intuition. Why?.. So stay with him, and just “hang in there” and be a sport and keep reminding yourself not to “nag” him every time he sucks down his beer. Put a line item in the budget for his alcohol habit. And then plan on being “bugged” once or twice a week for the rest of your life…

I think the bigger red flag is when you bring up your concerns to him, he says that since it’s not a problem for him, then he can dismiss it and incidently, dismiss you. I can’t imagine what’s clouding your judgement and the idea of a more satisfying future for yourself than this.

 

[Boy_Wonder]

If he can’t stop once he starts drinking he has a problem.

If he drinks within reason and responsibly and you don’t like it, the problem is yours.

You have to ask yourself if you’re willing to accept him with this trait rather than nagging him to stop. If he does have a drinking problem, be careful. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It effects and sickens those who live with the problem drinker. Family life with an alcoholic is awful.

 

[jesuspsr]

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It effects and sickens those who live with the problem drinker. Family life with an alcoholic is awful.

Al-Anon

 

[MyFire]

Alcohol must be banned in all the countries.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

That’s gotta be one of the fastest bans I’ve ever seen! 4 posts and gone!

 

[Moore11]

6 beers at a sitting is a red flag. In the US if he appears drunk or not that is going to get him a DUI if he drives. And if you say he “handles it well” then there is an even higher chance he drives.
I’d do this. Tell him it bothers you. If he doesn’t care, work on a compromise, or starts sneaking it. You got yourself a problem…

 

[chevalier]

If his drinking bothers you, you qualify for Al-Anon. Go to a few meetings and see if the support can help you. I do not advise getting married until you deal with this problem. Whether or not he is or is not an alcoholic, this issue needs to be addressed between the two of you. If you have a family history with drinking, it’s going to need to be dealt with.

Al-Anon/Alateen

+1. Especially if you have some kind of family history with substance abusers.

Thanks for the replies. No he never drinks to the point of blacking out or anything. He drinks maybe 6 beers and is still fine. I’ve never been with someone who drinks so many beers and thinks its normal. We have talked about it… he told me that its not a problem and if he starts acting badly when he drinks THEN it will be a problem. I’m thinking maybe the couple of you who mentioned control issues (with me) may be right… Can anyone tell me what I can do if this is just a problem on my part? I do not wish to leave the relationship so that is out. I do want to stop nagging him though if possible. Its very hard for me not to get upset when he drinks so much even though he acts normally. Thanks again for any (name removed by moderator)ut.

Is he Polish? Anyway, I am. And used to have both a strong head, and an alcohol problem, so I have some knowledge about how things work. What you Americans call beer is supposedly not what I’d call beer but a sixpack in one session does sound rather large (unless we’re talking about half-pint bottles of a watered down 3% alc. vol. Carlsberg). And twice a week does sound on the gregarious side. Not judging him and I certainly don’t know either his act (before and after) or his organism, but the numbers are somewhat alarming on their own.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

It is more the fact that if your boyfriend is looking at becoming serious to be with you for the rest of your lives and he has a behavioural pattern or trait of needing to be with his mates over the beers come rain hail or shine, then almost guaranteed this will continue or later a substitute of a pub, tavern or other venue away from yourself and possibly children through marriage.

I would be setting a Test, to see if he ‘really’ needs to be with those mates, on those evenings, over the same amount of beers.

A query: have you joined them (without drinking) to observe just how many he downs and how quickly? Admittedly I have not read all of your replies to everyone as yet, but another good test is to ask him to reduce his participation visiting his mates by 50%. If he does not compromise, unfortunately there may well be problems in future. If it was a sporting outlet twice a week with mates playing sport, a great deal healthier. Indoor cricket, basketball or team sport without meeting mates twice a week over alcohol for a couple of hours.

Habits involving alcohol and or drugs are extremely unhealthy starting out in serious relationships for future.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

The other Test I would set is for you to invite his friends over twice a week for a month.

Observe the behaviour between themselves together, go to bed earlier, listening and observing any major changes in your future fiancee’s? disposition/personality. If you notice disrespect, him becoming inebriated, you will know the answer to your concerns Purpleo.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Admittedly I have not read all of your replies to everyone as yet.

The OP has only posted 2 posts in the entire thread - her original, and one other where she says her boyfriend has scoffed at her concern over his drinking and told her that as long as he’s not drunk, there’s no problem. Sounds like a problem to me.