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Caesar517
Guest
I think you’re right. This is something that cannot really be solved over the internet. The OP and his girlfriend need to work this out on their own (or with the help of someone who can know them personally).
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jesusismyrock
Guest
You can still drink as long as you are drinking responsibly and still party with your friends as long as you are doing everything responsibly there shouldn’t be any problems with it. But I suggest trying to get your girlfriend to come and hang out with you and your buddies.
You could also try and compromise, ask your girlfriend if she will come and hang out with you and your friends and in return have an evening bible study with her or something… tell her that you will take out time to specifically spend with her and doing the religious things but explain to her that you want her to come around and have some fun too.
But you would be amazed how many spiritual books there are out there that you may be interested in.
Ask her if yall can pray about it together. Go to mass together.
Compromising is a main key to any relationship. But keeping Christ in the center is The Key
You could also try and compromise, ask your girlfriend if she will come and hang out with you and your friends and in return have an evening bible study with her or something… tell her that you will take out time to specifically spend with her and doing the religious things but explain to her that you want her to come around and have some fun too.
But you would be amazed how many spiritual books there are out there that you may be interested in.
Ask her if yall can pray about it together. Go to mass together.
Compromising is a main key to any relationship. But keeping Christ in the center is The Key
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GraceDK
Guest
Thats right… I mistook him for the OP… they seemed also quite identical somewhat…Haha, I think GraceDK mistook you for the OP, mlchance.
Grace: as far as the “insulting eachother” goes, just consider it male affection.
anyway… it seems that unlike the OP this last guy was not open for any self scrutiny… neither did he appear as a gentleman in his response… but hey, maybe he just came home from a night with the buddies… or maybe he thought I was a man!
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Caesar517
Guest
I don’t think there’s any need for either of you to take the miscommunication personally.
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Caesar517
Guest
Hahaha. That comment did just make my day, though. Lol.
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Flopfoot
Guest
Yeah, your girlfriend is crazy. If you’re not doing anything morally wrong, and it’s not affecting her, why should she be telling you what to do with your life? It’d be different if either of those things was not the case… in case #1, if you were actually doing something wrong, then she’d be trying to correct a sinner, especially important for someone so close to you… but there’s nothing wrong with having a few drinks and having fun with your friends… in case #2, if it was actually affecting her, then she’d say “spend more time with me” rather than advising you to read books… so I don’t think this is the case.
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rpp
Guest
Where’s the OP?
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GraceDK
Guest
Maybe the gf is not crazy… just different. Like in any other area, she should keep her standards… and maybe look around for another guy who meets these standards better… Its worth considering… maybe they really are not compatible in their ideas about Christian life and what goes…
She should be respected and I dont think it seems her ideals are too high…
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rpp
Guest
I totally agree with you here Grace!
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Flopfoot
Guest
I disagree. If she has standards higher than God’s, then her standards are too high. (Far as I can tell, God would not have a complaint against the OP).
And it seems like you’re jumping to things a bit fast by suggesting they should split - they have been together 4 and a half years remember, these things don’t break down easy, they are worth trying to preserve.
This sounds like the sorta situation where the girlfriend will just have to become a bit more patient. Not worth her trouble to split and then try and find someone else who’ll stick with her for so long and incidentally who doesn’t want to hang out with his friends and drink (there aren’t any guys I can think of who fit both those criteria…)
And it seems like you’re jumping to things a bit fast by suggesting they should split - they have been together 4 and a half years remember, these things don’t break down easy, they are worth trying to preserve.
This sounds like the sorta situation where the girlfriend will just have to become a bit more patient. Not worth her trouble to split and then try and find someone else who’ll stick with her for so long and incidentally who doesn’t want to hang out with his friends and drink (there aren’t any guys I can think of who fit both those criteria…)
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royal_archer
Guest
Four years as boyfriend girlfriend are not the same as a married couple. (Now I am going to make some assumptions here) If she is considering marriage and raising a family, she probably doesn’t want “Mr. party animal” ( just making an assumption as to how she MAY see him) to be the Husband/Father. Could it be that she is ready to make the transition and is indirectly inviting/asking him to make a similar transition?
Where I am coming from. In highschool I was seriously dating a girl with whom I had known for years (we were all but dating in elementary school). After highschool we had a falling out. She was upset that I was goofing off and not taking things seriously. In hind sight: She was ready to settle down after highschool and start the married working thing. I was ready for another four years of school, etc. We broke up and in the long run it was for the better.
I am guessing something similar might be happening with the OP. She might be ready to settle down sooner than he is.
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drafdog
Guest
Insufficient information to make a real judgment on the case, but it sounds as though neither of you is mature enough to marry. Shut down and reboot.
Matthew
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rinnie
Guest
Once you get married your life is going to change. I dont think there is anything wrong with going out once in a while, but balance is the key. Once in a while, once you get married your life will change.
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kms123
Guest
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Joe_5859
Guest
I think the best comment so far was rpp’s: the OP and his girlfriend are both partly right.
I think the key word here is COMPROMISE (which necessarily entails good communication). Surely, the gf should not seek to control every aspect of the OP’s life, nor try to squash all his male friendships, nor force him to spend all his free time doing spiritual readings. But, if the relationship is heading towards marriage, it is certainly within her rights to begin to take a more and more central role in his life (and to want him to be more responsible, which seems to go hand-in-hand with “less free time”).
IMO, that’s what the whole dating/engagement process is about. It’s a gradual merging of two lives. If you’re still living like a single person the day before you get married, there’s going to be a lot of resentment that starts to kick in the day after you get married. Getting married involves sacrifice. You simply can’t maintain a “party” lifestyle at the same level as you are capable of doing before you get married. It just won’t work. If marriage is where you want the relationship to go, there will need to be a gradual “letting go” of some things.
Does this mean you can’t ever go out drinking with the guys? Of course not. Men always need good male friendships. But it would look more like Mark Chance’s bi-monthly guy’s nights rather than 3 to 5 times a week.
This is just my opinion (and I don’t know you, so it may not apply to you), but things might be more difficult seeing as how you’ve been dating for so long (though, of course, not impossible). 4 1/2 years is a long time (but then, I started dating my wife that long ago, and now we’ve been married for 3 years, have one kid and another on the way). When you date someone for so long, I think the relationship can hit this comfortable plateau and it makes it more difficult to go deeper. One can get so entrenched in the established routine of the relationship that never has been able to make it to the next level of committment, that it makes it more difficult to let go of certain “freedoms” that one enjoys as a single person. Of course, if you started dating when you were younger (in high school, or early college) then the time line is a little different (which I suspect might be your situation, else you probably wouldn’t have so much free time to be drinking with the guys!)
I think the key word here is COMPROMISE (which necessarily entails good communication). Surely, the gf should not seek to control every aspect of the OP’s life, nor try to squash all his male friendships, nor force him to spend all his free time doing spiritual readings. But, if the relationship is heading towards marriage, it is certainly within her rights to begin to take a more and more central role in his life (and to want him to be more responsible, which seems to go hand-in-hand with “less free time”).
IMO, that’s what the whole dating/engagement process is about. It’s a gradual merging of two lives. If you’re still living like a single person the day before you get married, there’s going to be a lot of resentment that starts to kick in the day after you get married. Getting married involves sacrifice. You simply can’t maintain a “party” lifestyle at the same level as you are capable of doing before you get married. It just won’t work. If marriage is where you want the relationship to go, there will need to be a gradual “letting go” of some things.
Does this mean you can’t ever go out drinking with the guys? Of course not. Men always need good male friendships. But it would look more like Mark Chance’s bi-monthly guy’s nights rather than 3 to 5 times a week.
This is just my opinion (and I don’t know you, so it may not apply to you), but things might be more difficult seeing as how you’ve been dating for so long (though, of course, not impossible). 4 1/2 years is a long time (but then, I started dating my wife that long ago, and now we’ve been married for 3 years, have one kid and another on the way). When you date someone for so long, I think the relationship can hit this comfortable plateau and it makes it more difficult to go deeper. One can get so entrenched in the established routine of the relationship that never has been able to make it to the next level of committment, that it makes it more difficult to let go of certain “freedoms” that one enjoys as a single person. Of course, if you started dating when you were younger (in high school, or early college) then the time line is a little different (which I suspect might be your situation, else you probably wouldn’t have so much free time to be drinking with the guys!
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kms123
Guest
Yes it’s possible for a Catholic to enjoy beer, music and parties. When you say “really” and mean “excessive” duration or occurrences then I would feel there is a priority problem.
It sounds like she may be looking to marry a spiritual leader for her and future children. Not only is she looking for someone who puts God first she want her and family second, not the friends.
My suggestion: If you cannot fill these shoes, have the courage to end the relationship.
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dranzal
Guest
Genesis 2
24 Wherefore a man shall leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his beer buddies: and they shall be two in one flesh?
I think we don’t know enough about the gf or the buddies to be able to adequately help the OP.
In my own experience, my dh was much happier and fulfilled as a dad once he “let go” of his interests in independent/loner activities and embraced the role of father.
I’d have to assume the same would be true for spouses without children. A husband or wife would be much happier in that role if they stop trying so hard to pretend they’re still single.
Is she number one in your life or not? Since we don’t know her or the buddies, we can’t really know if they are a good influence or not or if she has reasons to try to change you. Still, if you’re thinking her opinion/position regarding “man nights” makes her “crazy” perhaps you’re not ready to commit to being someone’s husband. A woman who is secure in her relationship with her husband won’t have any problem with dh having a card night, Die Hard night, etc. She will, if she is worth her Christian salt, still have a problem with strip clubs, porn, etc.
You may want to consider what you or others may have done to cause her insecurity/lack of trust. Address that. Give her ample reason to trust you.
To help us out…can you elaborate on the following terms in the OP?
What is the purpose of not inviting the wife?
I’ve asked dh many times if he would want to go see some manly blood and guns movie with other dads we know since I’m not really interested. He typically says no. When we “hang out” with friends, we do that together. Once a month I go to a Mom’s night as part of a homeschooling group, but that is something the men usually insist on or else we start spontaneously singing Barney and Wiggles songs! LOL! This mom’s night would be the same with or without the dads. It’s mostly to give a break from the kids. We sit at a restaurant and talk and enjoy each other’s company.
So, why not invite the gf/wife to spend time with your friends? What is it you want to do that can’t be done with her?
24 Wherefore a man shall leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his beer buddies: and they shall be two in one flesh?
I think we don’t know enough about the gf or the buddies to be able to adequately help the OP.
In my own experience, my dh was much happier and fulfilled as a dad once he “let go” of his interests in independent/loner activities and embraced the role of father.
I’d have to assume the same would be true for spouses without children. A husband or wife would be much happier in that role if they stop trying so hard to pretend they’re still single.
Is she number one in your life or not? Since we don’t know her or the buddies, we can’t really know if they are a good influence or not or if she has reasons to try to change you. Still, if you’re thinking her opinion/position regarding “man nights” makes her “crazy” perhaps you’re not ready to commit to being someone’s husband. A woman who is secure in her relationship with her husband won’t have any problem with dh having a card night, Die Hard night, etc. She will, if she is worth her Christian salt, still have a problem with strip clubs, porn, etc.
You may want to consider what you or others may have done to cause her insecurity/lack of trust. Address that. Give her ample reason to trust you.
To help us out…can you elaborate on the following terms in the OP?
- “party” as a verb or noun
- “have fun” or “fun stuff”
What is the purpose of not inviting the wife?
I’ve asked dh many times if he would want to go see some manly blood and guns movie with other dads we know since I’m not really interested. He typically says no. When we “hang out” with friends, we do that together. Once a month I go to a Mom’s night as part of a homeschooling group, but that is something the men usually insist on or else we start spontaneously singing Barney and Wiggles songs! LOL! This mom’s night would be the same with or without the dads. It’s mostly to give a break from the kids. We sit at a restaurant and talk and enjoy each other’s company.
So, why not invite the gf/wife to spend time with your friends? What is it you want to do that can’t be done with her?
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rinnie
Guest
One other thing, do you think maybe you are having second thoughts about the wedding. I know my daughter is getting married in sept and they have really kind of given up the bar scene lately. Could it be your not ready to settle down, and this is just your way of acting out, or have you always been like this and she is looking for the big change, (which doesnt seem to be comming soon). It is seriously something you guys need to address, before you get married. You have to know what she expects of you and what you expect of her, if not a train wreck is comming. Also thing speaking from experience the bars and being married dont work. only if you go together once in a while, trust me the friends must go sooner or later. I take it they are single, I bet they are, And trust me when they meet the right one, they will drop you like a hot potato too. Or the marriage aint going to happen,
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thomfra
Guest
YES! Tell your girlfriend to lighten up! Alternatively get a new girlfriend. Man, if this is a problem already (i.e. you’re not even married) then you might want to reconsider things…
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