Drowning in doubts!:(

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ryan27

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hi everyone, im writing on here today as one of my last attempts for help. since febuary 21st ive been a complete mess, and lord only knows what the future holds for me if things dont start to change.

ill start off by telling you what happend. growing up i was always a strong believer in god. it wasnt until about tenth grade when my relationship with god became the closest and most wonderful joyful loving thing that i could have ever wished for. i felt so close and near to god, he never let me down, he never had let me be put to shame, delivered me from all my enimies and answered all my prayers, it was truly amazing, but since i had this wonderful relationship with god i felt that i didnt have to go to church anymore since i was so close and basically i fell away. i still prayed to god, he answered my prayers and stuff but i was slowly getting less an less close to him everyday. i had no idea what i was setting myself up for. but anyways so i had stopped going to church and it was about a year that i fell away. during this time, i was not living like god would want me to. i was not being a good kid, and i have alot of guilt about that now…i started to get involved into weed and alcohol, i should say that i do have a mental illness, i suffer from anxiety depression and panic attacks. and once i started smoking things were normal, but then i had a panic attack while i was high and i thought i was going to die, i asked god to save me an i said after this i wont smoke anymore, i promised him that, 1 month later broke that promise and i ended up smoking weed laced with heroin on accident, i ended up having the same panic attack again but this time it was twice as bad my heart was beating so fast that it was starting beat irregulary. i was asking god to helo me stop panicing and idk it was just so bad…stopped smoking after that. few months later still didnt learn i did it again, had a panic attack that was so bad, i was by myself, i begged and pleaded with god to help me but i didnt feel i was helped. so i made another promise that i would not smoke ever again after that and i have stayed true to it. so after that i realized wow i need some help i need to get right with god and fix my relationship with him again. so i was planing on going to church the coming sunday…well here is where i feel like i have lost my life, my soul, and everything, saturday night febuary 21st. i drank only 6 shots of liquor with my friends and then started having a panic attack once again, i was begging god to help me and save me but no help came, the idea to take my meds that i take for my mental illness came into my head so, while panicing i took the meds and then thats where everything got destroyed my faith. everything, i started panicing like no other my heart was racing and pounding so fast i thought it was going to just give out. i was trying to go to bed and then i realized with all thats going on im probly really going to die my heart cant take this. so i woke up my mom and apologized to her for being such a bad kid and just all the guilt for all that i have done, for everysingle sin back to when i was just a small child i remembered and apologized for them begged and pleaded for god to forgive them but idk i just dont know what was going on.
later that day i had to go to work, as i was working i began to doubt uncontrolably about god and jesus. i was wondering why did he let me down hes never done that before?? then the thought came into my head god isnt real. and i believed it. immediatly i bursted out in tears crying to god. saying im sorry for what ive dont please dont be mad at me i just want my best friend backkk… and ever since then ny nind my faith my life everything has been shattered and left into pieces im like a drowning man in a sea of doubts, for 7 months almost every daY I cry because of the doubts i have, its not an easything to believe that your going to hell and everytime i doubt i feel like more and more im loosing my best friend jesus, my doubts that just destroy me are, is it god who is helping me now and who was helping me in tenth grade or is it me just believing and im helping myself. every time that runs through my mind im crushed, i cant figure out why three years of strong faith with never a doubt could be destroyed in one night when my mind changed. i feel like im disconnected from reality, i have no peace i ask everyday for god to give me peace but still…no peace and i think of what jesus says everyone who asks recieves? well is that true ? i dont feel like it is? and when i feel like its not true its just makes me doubt everyything else he said. this is ruining my life i just want all of it to end. i ask for help from god but i have an unstable mind. i doubt and becuase i doubt my prayers arnt answered at least i dont feel like they are. i need a miracle im confused… lonley and desperatly trying to get back what ive lost. i read in proverbs that 1 3-8 that god had been warning me to listen, even pleasing with me. but i wouldnt stop using the drugs even though he warned me. it says on that day when panic strikes and terror is all around, you will call on my but i will not answer for it will be too late… another shattering piece of my faith i believe this i just wonder is it to late for me now? idk im so confused please pray for me. any advice from those out there i will grealty appreciate it!! god bless all those who read this, and thanks you for the help.
-Ryan
 
Our Heavenly Father never gives up on us.If you are Catholic,please talk to a Priest and go to confession.A Priest told my parents the only differance between a good boy and a bad boy is a bad boy gets caught.Praying foy you,Rocky.
 
Hello Ryan. You’re going to be fine, just calm down a bit :). Aside from posbly dark night of the soul, I think you may have thought that your present condition could be an effect from the mind-altering drugs you’ve been so courageous in admitting to taking. Please know that neither God, nor the Church, nor I condemn you. Have you been to Confession recently? It will truely help you, you won’t need to wonder “did it work?” because yes, my friend, it does. It is certainly not too late for you, God’s mercy is stronger than your sin :). Please don’t be afraid… I know, those are hard words, but the greatest people in history have said them - Jesus, and Pope John Paul II to name a few.

Please know that you are in my prayers; and in the Blessed Virgin’s hart. 👍
 
The fact that you recognize help from God means that the Holy Spirit is at work with you.

In all your sufferings given your relationship with God, remember Job. Pray. Never try to expect answers in ways you want. Remember, it is always God’s will.

When you have attacks (panic or any other hurts), suffer with Jesus. Remember His Passion to the Calvary. Bear you own cross with humble submission and trust in God.

Ask for spiritual help. Priests can help you. Your spirit first, then your body. Concentrate on your relationship with God not with other humans. Stick to God because He is, not because of the blessings we obtain from Him.

Going to the Mass and trying to attend (not accept Communion yet, until you’ve gone through a confession) is a good thing. This way, you will see Jesus in the Eucharist and hear Him during the reading of the Gospel.

There’s a good conversion story (from drug-addiction and everything) to devout Christian life in the Catholic Bridge. Maybe you can relate with David: davidmacd.com/catholic/index2.htm

You will be in my prayers.
 
Hi Ryan,

Here is my comment to you: You are not the ugly person you paint yourself to be.

Now some thoughts for you.

When we feel shame and guilt, it is not the mark of an evil or terrible person. Quite the opposite. These emotions of ours are kind of like those metal guardrails on the side of the interstate highways, especially around curves, that are designed to savage the side of our vehicles if we hit them, but they will keep us on the road. So it is with your feelings of guilt. All it is telling you is that you know the right way and chose the wrong way. Who among us hasn’t at one time or another? So yeah, you’ve smacked a few guardrails, but you’re still on the road. Don’t count yourself out yet.

If I can offer you a better strategy to deal with your feelings, the first thing I would advise is not to try and drown them out with 6 shots with your pals. You know that isn’t a constructive way to deal with it, and you fully understand the potential of mixing medications with alcohol (it’s on the prescription label in case you don’t). So start by resolving to turn away from that response and not make your situation even worse.

Walk upright and in truth. Call up your parish and ask to make an appointment with one of the Fathers for Reconciliation. Tell him the basics of what you’ve been feeling (save the full story for the appointment) and that you seek Reconciliation. Believe me, Ryan, a priest will help you through this struggle and will do it with a sense of kindness and love you won’t imagine you’re going to get when you call. It’s what they do.

Like any other problem in anyone’s life, Ryan, it can be fixed, but you have to be the one to take that first step. I refer to it as driving the bus; you have to drive your own bus if you want any control over the destination. Others can give you the best of directions, but no one else will drive you there, if you get what I mean.

If it turns out your physical signs, the panic attacks, are something beyond your mere feelings of guilt and are best dealt with by a doctor, that can happen too. The big thing is to think of this like a project that has to be done in a series of many small steps, not some waving of a magic wand and you’re all better.

Don’t stop praying, no matter what you feel about God. He knows your heart; if you are hurting and seeking His help, your feelings of doubt will not fool Him for one second. He knows what you need. Realize too that the answers we get to our prayers do not arrive on our schedule and aren’t always in the form we expect. That’s why we use the word “faith.”

Hang in there, Ryan. You can do this. Big goal, small steps. I will pray for you.
 
I also would heavily advise speaking to a priest. Talk through everything that happened with him and I’m sure he can start you on a spiritual healing process.

Praying for you, that you may recover your faith fully.

Hail Mary full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God
pray for us, sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
Amen
 
Praying for you Ryan.

Hail Mary,
full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the Fruit Of Thy Womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of our death.
Amen
 
Dear Lord, Ryan is suffering badly and is having doubts that you exist. Please let him know that even if he doesn’t feel you present loving him, that he knows that you are really still there present and loving him. I would imagine the drugs would make him feel differently about you - they are mind altering, after all. I’m so glad that Ryan is no longer doing drugs. Now he can work on his relationship with you and return to the Sacraments. He may have lost you by not going to Mass and doing drugs, but you still are waiting for him to work on a good relationship with you. You do not abandon anyone who does not abandon you. Please help Ryan to remain serious in his seeking you. Right now, I believe, he needs to seek you and return to the Sacraments (frequently, if possible).

Ryan is asking for you but he feels you aren’t responding. Please let him know that you just want him to still pursue you and receive you at Mass and hear your words through the priest at Mass and Confession. Maybe Ryan will have to meet with a priest personally to get some help and just needs to receive you frequently and worthily in the sacrament of Communion. Ryan will receive many graces in the Sacrament of Confession if he hasn’t yet confessed missing Mass and taking drugs. Please help him through a priest. I hope he approaches a good priest at confession or outside confession to talk about his situation. That way you can help him and talk to him through the priest. That’s how you will reach out to him, Lord, if he just lets you. Thank you, Lord, for hearing my prayer. Amen.
 
Thank you all so much!
i appreciate all the time you have all put in replying to my post! i dont know what it is but the lord must have heard your prayers because i do now have a peaceful easy feeling.
thank you for all your prayers!

-ryan
 
Dear Ryan,

You are so courageous for admitting that you have a problem, you are not alone. God loves you even though you may not feel like He does right now. He will never abandon you, continue to reach out to Him. Please know that you are in my prayers and don’t give up. May God be with you!
 
ryan27 said:
Thank you all so much!
i appreciate all the time you have all put in replying to my post! i dont know what it is but the lord must have heard your prayers because i do now have a peaceful easy feeling.
thank you for all your prayers!

-ryan
Click to expand...
You are most welcome, Ryan. I am so happy that God blessed you with his peace!🙂
 
ryan27 said:
Thank you all so much!
i appreciate all the time you have all put in replying to my post! i dont know what it is but the lord must have heard your prayers because i do now have a peaceful easy feeling.
thank you for all your prayers!

-ryan
Click to expand...
Ryan you never need God more than when you are farthest away from Him.
This is where you were
Luke 15:10-24 **Likewise, I say to you, there is joy in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." Then He (Jesus) said: "A certain man had two sons. And the younger of them said to [his] father, ‘Father, give me the portion of goods that falls [to me].’ So he divided to them His livelihood. And not many days after, the younger son gathered all together, journeyed to a far country, and there wasted his possessions with prodigal living. But when he had spent all, there arose a severe famine in that land, and he began to be in want. Then he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would gladly have filled his stomach with the pods that the swine ate, and no one gave him anything.
This is where you are now! It is at the crossroads my friend.
"But when he came to himself, he said, 'How many of my Father’s hired servants have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger! I will arise and go to my Father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you, and I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired servants.” ’ And he arose and came to his Father. But when he was still a great way off, his Father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight, and am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ "But the Father said to his servants, ‘Bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet. And bring the fatted calf here and kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this my son was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ And they began to be merry. **

Take it from one prodigal to another God is where He has always been - don’t waste your life on empty things but be fulfilled in Him. We merely turn to home and find He has been watching over the horizon for You. All hope is in God there is none elsewhere! Let Your new joy be the Lord - He is the one Your heart has been waitng for**
youtube.com/watch?v=t7yFVd7H_r8&feature=related**
Father God, I pray your help upon this young man. His eyes appear to be open and he has seen the open pit of despair that sin brings. I thank You Lord that you came to save sinners such as I. I pray Father that Ryan would be led home to You. There is no truth without You and there is no life without You and there is no other Way but Yours. I ask for Your mercy upon Him in Jesus Name. Amen
 
I ask You Jesus to help Ryan though everything. Of course he’s knocked himself around mentally and emotionally by past drug-taking, and that leaves its toll,
but please help him to faithfully to refuse recreational drugs of any kind to allow his system to recover the best it can.
Please lead him into a safe and happier future, where he can find You close to him in whatever occurs in life.

God bless you Ryan. Please post whenever you need to.
 
Dear Ryan,

God is real and God is good. Ask yourself why would Jesus go through so much trouble for us? We certainly don’t deserve it, but He did. His arms are open and ready to welcome you home at any time.

Hail Mary,
full of grace,
the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of our death.
Amen.
 
Dear God, please help ryan27 through this difficult time and let him know that you’ll be with him always. Show him the way through your all-encompassing love and guide him back to your love. Help him find peace and happiness within himself and in you and not in harmful substances. In Your name I pray. Amen.
I’ll keep praying for you! 🙂
 
Ryan God loves you and so do we love you.
God understands that while you were under the influence of drugs you were not yourself and will understand your sincerity of heart.Panic attacks will dissipate when the stuff is out of your system for a while.Alcohol can also trigger things so leave cigarrettes alcohol and the like alone for a while to give your mind and body a chance to recouperate.
You are a good sincere young man thankyou for being brave to tell us your story and you will be in all our prayers.Go to confession like others have suggested you will feel so good about yourself.None of us is without sin here I for one especially.I was away from the Lord for a while but Im so glad to be have a brilliant relationship with the Lord again.Keep praying my friend.God bless

Lord
our brother loves You and feels guilt and shame for his past.He was misguided at the time by drugs and he no longer does this.Please forgive him Lord and guide him along the right path.May he feel surrounded by Your love for him.Thankyou Lord for Your mercy and for all the many blessings You bestow on all of us.Through Jesus Christ our Lord Amen
 
i cant stresss enough how much i am thankfull for all of your prayers! it means the world to me right now, and its truley amazing how much love we all have for one another, i thank you alll for your prayers, things are starting to look up im making more progress in these last couple of days then ive made in 7 months…i can feel him correcting, and restoring his image and my preception of him in me, im happy to stay that he is guiding me noww. ive chosen to trust in him now no matter what so its in his hands…

GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!

-ryan
 
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