Dry faith, don't feel loved by God, don't feel anything

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yammerGee

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I really didn’t want to make a post like this. But I feel totally spiritually paralyzed and I don’t know what to do.

About myself: Cradle Catholic. Go to Mass every week, among other Catholic activities, pray daily, spent the last two years really getting to understand Catholicism. And now…

I feel miserable. I’ve always had a dry faith life. I never “feel” anything when praying. My faith has always been intellectual. But now that is failing me too, as I find it increasingly hard to accept the existence of a loving God.
  • Praying is painful. I have to constantly reassure myself that someone’s actually listening.
  • Reading the Bible is painful. It’s no Catechism, and it just leaves me with more questions than answers.
  • Trying to find articles/discussions that respond to my questions is painful. They’re written by fallible people. I so often find uncharity, and explanations that feel like hand-waving or mental gymnastics.
I feel like God is punishing me for seeking Him. I feel no joy. I feel no love for God and do not feel loved by God.
  • I’m tired of not knowing if any particular venial sin is infact mortal (yes, I’m scrupulous too).
  • I’m tired of not knowing whether I’m in a state of grace or not.
  • I’m tired of playing guessing games with God regarding His “plans” for me and His will.
  • I’m tired of God’s silence in my life.
  • I’m tired of God’s silence in the face of decades of sexual abuse and coverup being allowed to run rampant in His Church on a worldwide scale, and pathetic progress in rooting it out.
  • I’m tired of God’s silence in the face of confusion being preached all over his Church and being allowed to presist. Communion for remarried? Death penalty? I hope God is enjoying His nap.
I hate the fact that we profess belief in an all-loving God, yet can’t give a definite answer on what happens to the unborn who die before being baptized? “We can’t know for sure”? We can’t even say for certain that they don’t go to hell??!! Why is that? Because we need to account for the possibility that maybe God isn’t truly merciful?

Why is God so silent? Why can’t we know for certain if we’re in a state of grace or not? That seems like it would be a pretty important thing for a parent to tell their child. Hell is forever. In light of that, how can anyone not be scrupulous? How is this loving? If you heard of any parent who treated their child with nonstop silence like this, who deliberately allowed their child to get into a state where they’re unsure if they’re loved or not, unsure if they’re been really bad or not, you would rightfully rebuke that parent. Why does God get a pass?

Because He loves/answers us "in other ways"? Good for Him. Maybe someone should remind God that this is the complete opposite of how humans feel loved. "I never hug my wife and she now wonders if I even still love her, but I send her lots of presents." What a great husband, right?
 
(continued)

I’m just so tired. The whole sex abuse crisis is tearing my Catholic family apart. I’m studied Catholicism much more than anyone else in my family, yet I feel like there’s nothing I can do about it. I feel totally unequipped to deal with all this. So much for all the praying for help.

I’m having a really hard time not chalking all of this up to “God just doesn’t exist.” That seems like a far easier explanation than trying to figure out why God’s apparent answer to 100% of problems in my life, my prayers, and in the Church is silence.

Really. I’m on the brink of being an agnostic. I feel nothing but stress and pain. Where is this joy that saints so often speak of? I thought God what the only thing that could truly give us joy in this life. We were made for God, right? So why do I feel more despair than ever? If God is love, I don’t see it.

I feel paralyzed. I feel no drive to use any of my talents for God. I was so excited for it too. What am I supposed to do? Convince others that God maybe exists? How can I in good conscience do this - why would I want to subject others to this sort of pain? How many more years/decades and I supposed to put up with this?

What am I doing wrong? What is the problem here? Why won’t God tell me? I pray for understanding, and help. Not riches or material stuff. I want to help. I want to do good. I just don’t understand.

I feel like I’m playing some sick, twisted game devised by God. “Let’s see how much pain he can endure.” Crank it up to 11 and leave it there, just because he finds atheism even more illogical and would never truly embrace it. Days, weeks, months pass…

All this has piled up over the last few months. I don’t see any intellectual way out of this, and my spiritual life is so dry. I hate it. I hate it so much. I want to believe. I just…don’t.

I just don’t know what to do. I know this was long; thank you for reading.
 
(continued)

Please don’t respond with:

"God does love you/He died for you"

If you know this for certain, then I’m truly happy for you. Really. I do not joke. But for me it feels so one-sided. God’s silence is deafening.

"Pray more."

Why? To give myself another opportunity to feel let down by God? Because this is all I ever feel now when I pray.

"Mother Teresa/Therese of Liseux had dry faith"

I’ll well aware that God has certain “favorite” saints that He loves to shower with blessings from birth until death. How blessed are they! But in the case of these two saints: 1) They had the benefits of visions and locutions BEFORE God subjected them to any sort of silent treatment. They had no reason to wonder if He existed or not. But in my case, I’ve never had any sort of spiritual experience. That makes this dryness harder to bear and on top of that this uncertain faith in God is yet another cross to carry that they did not have. 2) If giving me examples of saints who had to endure years, or decades, of God’s silence, is supposed to help me see God as loving, well it doesn’t. It seems cruel. It is something I hope no child or friend or spouse EVER has to endure at the hands of another person.

"Fake it til you make it."

This attitude merely places Catholicism as an equal among other belief systems. If I find Catholicism painful and hard to believe, then why fake “it” as opposed to any of the other religions that I feel the same way about? “Because it’s true”? Don’t the followers of these other religions think the same of theirs?

I just don’t know what to do. I know this was long; thank you for reading.
 
It’s not bad if you don’t feel anything. And it’s not bad if praying is difficult or painful. God allows this in order that we might be strengthened and grow closer to Him. What you describe sounds kind of like the dark night of the senses. St. John of the Cross talks about it extensively. I would suggest you read what he has to say about it.
 
Honestly? Get off your computer and go volunteer with those who are less fortunate. Go work in the food bank or a homeless shelter. Then go home, get on your knees, and thank God for your blessings.
 
God does not owe you anything. Be humble and patient. Even if it takes many years.
 
yammerGee said:
I feel like God is punishing me for seeking Him. I feel no joy. I feel no love for God and do not feel loved by God.
Click to expand...
Hebrews 12:6 states:
For whom the Lord loveth he chastiseth: and he scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.
Click to expand...
Our Lord himself said that he who does not take up his cross and follow Him is not worthy of him.
 
I feel the same way lately. I wish I had some advice, and I’ll check back here to see if anyone else has any, because I could use it too! I hope you find faith and peace.
 
As a luke-warm Cradle Catholic, I get it, 100%. To me, the faith is just a part of who I am, whether I like it or not - similar to many secular Jews that I know. It often feels like I’m just going through the motions, even with the kids and their faith formation. It feels hollow. Involvement in parish life is nice, but doesn’t help answer any questions. I don’t automatically think of God in my daily life, I have to force it, which makes it feel insincere internally. I do visit forums like this, but end up thinking of how ridiculous people sound. It’s a struggle. The sexual abuse scandals push me away. My trad-Catholic/uber-conservative family turns me off to the faith, makes me feel unwelcome if I don’t think the same way as them. I wish I had answers. If you find them, pass them along. </stream of consciousness>
 
I want to add that I went through this too! It’s awful and confusing and frustrating and…

Eventually, it will resolve, one way or another but for now, just know that I acknowledge everything you’re going through. Keep searching, painful as it is. I’m sorry you are going through this.
 
Then it sounds like you need to work on your faith. Pray like the father of the epileptic: Help my unbelief!
Through heartfelt humble prayer, you will receive the gift of faith.
 
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I completely understand. I feel the same most of the time.

I’ve prayed like you wouldn’t believe for years.
No change.
 
Thank you all for the advice and kind words. I’ll re-read everything tomorrow when I’ve had more time to ponder it.

I understand the points about how God doesn’t owe us anything, about not demanding God conform to our wills, etc. I typically pray for understanding and help since they’re so broad and surely there’s no way either of those could go against God’s will. I bemoan God’s silence so much because I don’t feel there’s anything short of a miracle that will help me overcome all these things. I feel paralyzed between belief and unbelief for numerous reasons.

EDIT: A few have mentioned volunteering. I will look into that more. I was working on a few projects that I thought would be helpful to others (mainly pertaining to Catholicism and tech) but again I just have no drive to continue them at the monent 😦
 
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Try taking the focus off of yourself and try helping others. Volunteering to help those in need does wonders to help you put your life into perspective.
 
Much of your original post hit close to home for me. I won’t pretend to have answers, but I have some suggestions based on personal experience:
  1. Since praying as a mental discipline is difficult for you right now, try praying using some form of physical sacramental. You could try a shorter chaplet (e.g., Little Crown of the Infant of Prague) or something like the Green Scapular. You could light a candle, keep a bottle of holy water to use at home, etc. By connecting your prayers to something physical, you’re engaging your senses, which may help return some sense of “realness” to your prayers (in an admittedly limited way, but something can be better than nothing sometimes).
  2. Ask others to pray for you. It’s not that their prayers will have more weight than yours, but on a practical level, asking for help doing something that you’re struggling to do for yourself just improves the odds of it getting done. If you don’t mind, I plan on adding you to my prayers tonight.
  3. Shift your focus away from the problem. You said you approach your faith on an intellectual level. So engage your faith on an intellectual level, but for the time being, shift your focus onto a topic that doesn’t stir up your emotions. Personally, fixating on any problem (spiritual or otherwise) makes me less likely to find resolution to it. Keep engaging your faith through reason and learning, but study something about it that’s still enjoyable to learn about and return to the tougher issues at a later date.
  4. Try engaging your faith in a way that’s unfamiliar to you. See if there’s a monastery that welcomes guests for personal retreats or spend some time at Adoration. Don’t try to force yourself to “feel” spiritual, but try to appreciate whatever you can in the experience: the peacefulness of the chapel, the beauty of your surroundings, etc. If the intellectual side of your faith is struggling right now, try to build up sides that aren’t necessarily intellectual.
  5. Don’t discount small signs of God’s presence if they come. As an example, I have a special fondness for the Infant of Prague; on several occasions, I’ve run across a statue of the Infant of Prague when I didn’t expect it, at a time when I really needed a sign that God is still there. Don’t go looking for a sign, but don’t be too quick to shrug something off as coincidence.
  6. Get involved. Since the sexual abuse scandal is weighing so heavily on you, check into Catholic organizations dedicated to assisting the victims or committed to removing the corruption that’s made its way into the Church. Even if your faith is struggling, if the fruit of these organizations is something you can reason would be good, getting involved with one may give you the active growth component of faith you’re currently missing. Doing good can also give you more opportunity to see good; that won’t make the bad go away, but it may return some sense of hope.
I don’t know if any of these suggestions will help, but I do hope and pray that you continue to hold on. It’s tough sometimes, but admitting that you’re struggling is often a necessary step in moving forward, so kudos to you for being able to do that much already.
 
Just wanted to say I am there too. It’s been hard. I don’t think I can trust God because of it. All my Catholic friends I’ve tried to talk to about it shortly thereafter disappeared. I told my closest friend who sponsored my baptism/confirmation in the church I was struggling knowing if I should remain Catholic and didn’t know if God loved me… he then referred to me as “Satan” and now ignores me - he won’t respond to my texts, calls, and even ignores me at church. I’ve been pretty devastated by that.

I still go to mass/adoration/etc, but seeing some of those people there makes the experience almost unbearable. I do hope God can understand that and see I’m trying so hard to remain… but I think moreso along the lines of He is mad at me for those feelings that arise when I am there. The only thing keeping me here for now is a couple of priests who have been very kind discussing some of these issues with me and who seem to genuinely care and want to help. But even then I feel like I’m burdening them. I will try to pray for you.
 
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i have three things to add.

Firstly, volunteering is a great way to transcend you. Share the great care you have for others in a practical way.

Secondly, what happened a few months ago, you said you started on this path a few months ago.

Third, you discuss the silence of God. Meditate on the Jewish people who waited centuries for the Messiah to come. The world had known for a very long time, and were undergoing persecution after persecution and thought why is God so silent on this.
 
There are many points I could respond to. Basically, I think you put more stock in feelings than may be proper. A lot of love–perhaps most of love–is duty. You have a duty to love God and neighbour. I would meditate on duty for a while. For instance: What do people in society owe one another? What is a father’s duty to a child? Do you admire Queen Elizabeth II for her sense of duty? Do you admire war veterans for fulfilling their duties?

Regarding silence: I once had a boyfriend tell me that a mark of a successful relationship would be near- continual conversation on a long trip with your girlfriend. I thought the answer would be the opposite: being able to say nothing and just enjoy each other’s presence.

Regarding prayer: If you can’t pray, don’t pray. Why force yourself to do something that’s too hard right now? Just count to ten and let God fill in the prayers. It makes me think of downtrodden people who send their T4’s to the government and just let the government fill out their tax returns for them. It makes sense.

About being saved: Just go to Reconciliation. Then if you start racking up sins again, only those will count against you. Instead of praying for understanding, why not pray for one minute of mental clarity before you die so that you will always be able to confess your sins before Judgement. Then it’s smooth sailing after that, barring some downtime in Purgatory.
 
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If you haven’t tried, I recommend asking your angel for assistance. It was Jean Vianney who said, “If you find it impossible to pray, hide behind your good Angel and charge him to pray in your stead.” I’ve done it before and I can’t say my angel has ever failed me.

I’m truly sorry to hear you’re struggling so mightily with this. Spiritual warfare (a recommended topic to read up on if you haven’t, and even if you have, now could well be the time to refresh yourself; it might shed some new light on what you’re going through) is very real and God challenges some of us far more than others. But the fact that you’re trying so hard in the face of it is truly astounding and I commend you. I’ll say some prayers for you.
 
Many times when God is calling us to a greater holiness He will remove all of the consolations that we have been receiving in order that we may love Him for who He is. We should love the God of consolations, not the consolations of God.
 
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