Dull married life

[on_the_hill]

I’m having a frustrating time with my marriage. Basically, it’s not much fun. My wife and I love each other, and we’re generally affectionate toward each other. But we have a kind of a dull relationship, no excitement, no fun conversations, no flirting, etc.

When we go somewhere together as a couple, it’s to go shopping. When we have a conversation it’s about the kids, or the house, or work. I see other couples and they go places, go on dates, hold hands. We don’t do that stuff anymore. We’ve been married 18 years and have been together as a couple for 21.

The last time we tried to go out on a “date,” I asked, ‘would you like to…’ and her answers were all nos. We drove around for a while. She finally asked me to drop her off at a church–I honestly don’t remember why. I think she may have decided to attend a meeting or something. As she got out of the car she apologized and said, “I’m sorry I don’t want to do anything. I know I’m taking a risk that you’ll look somewhere else for fun.” Then she closed the door and walked into the church. I had to go home to the kids. (believe it or not, some people would take that as permission to…do whatever. I’m not that kind of guy.)

As for ‘marital intimacies,’ forget it. She has a medical problem that makes it too painful for her. We engage only several times a year. She’s never interested in it, never enjoys it because it hurts, and has no libido whatsoever. Her attitude is, “this is what I have to do if I want to stay married.” Have you any idea what a de-motivator that is for a guy?

The thing is, I see so many other couples who are really enjoying their time together. My wife’s idea of a fun evening is to lay on the sofa under a blanket and read. Day after day, night after night.

Maybe I should join a club.

 

[4love2God]

on the hill said** : “I’m having a frustrating time with my marriage. Basically, it’s not much fun. My wife and I love each other, and we’re generally affectionate toward each other. But we have … no excitement, no fun conversations, no flirting.”**

OK, that’s your Opinion.
Now, let’s see what the Specifics of this dull Marriage are.

"When we go somewhere together as a couple, it’s [only] to go shopping.
When we have a conversation, [she makes SURE that] it’s about the kids, or the house, or work.
I see other couples and they go places, go on dates, hold hands.
We don’t do that stuff anymore.
We’ve been married 18 years, and have been together as a couple for 21."

OK, that sounds like a REAL Problem.

Did this dullness Occur recently?
This is important.
When you know what was happening in your Life at the time (that any one of your several Relationship “twists” also happened) … it helps illuminate the Problem, and places it in a particular Point in Time.

But, whatever the Cause, you want MORE … and she wants LESS.
"The last time we tried to go out on a “date,” I asked, ‘would you like to…’ and her answers were all NOs.
So, what’s the Problem?
It might beneficial to Ask your Wife to Enumerate her Reasons for AVOIDING YOU like the Plague.

Pick a quiet time … hold her Hand while you ask her to share her Pain with you.
She might just tell you what is going on in her Mind about all of these Issues of Closeness.
If she CAN’T share that with you, then you will know that it is Important for you to keep working at discovering WHAT the Source of this no-Intimacy Issue is.
Be Gentle … maybe do a VERY Special thing for her (that you KNOW is something she REALLY wants) … to show how much you Care about her.
Good luck.

 

[Celtic_Maiden]

Just wondering have you brought your wife to a Doctor to see exactly what the problem is and can it be fixed, a lot of the times it can. Or is it depression, the doctor would know.
Bring her out on a romantic dinner, and say nothing or ask for nothing, that will get her interest going, the more you back off maybe she will move forward, try getting her a bit jealous this also might work.

If all this fails, ask the priest to talk to your wife.

 

[PumpkinPies37]

My advice is to meet her where she is. Follow her into church. Sit with her on the sofa and read your own book. Go shopping with her and make it fun by cracking jokes you think she will find funny.

There’s a lot you can do.

That’s marriage, brother.

 

[Groo]

Sorry to hear that. I can definitely sympathize.

Your last sentence is spot on, though. I’d suggest taking up a hobby, some professional interest, or volunteer work to occupy your free time. Basically treat the marriage strictly like a business relationship (sounds like you have that covered).

 

[ClearWater]

I’m having a frustrating time with my marriage. Basically, it’s not much fun. My wife and I love each other, and we’re generally affectionate toward each other. But we have a kind of a dull relationship, no excitement, no fun conversations, no flirting, etc.

When we go somewhere together as a couple, it’s to go shopping. When we have a conversation it’s about the kids, or the house, or work. I see other couples and they go places, go on dates, hold hands. We don’t do that stuff anymore. We’ve been married 18 years and have been together as a couple for 21.

The last time we tried to go out on a “date,” I asked, ‘would you like to…’ and her answers were all nos. We drove around for a while. She finally asked me to drop her off at a church–I honestly don’t remember why. I think she may have decided to attend a meeting or something. As she got out of the car she apologized and said, “I’m sorry I don’t want to do anything. I know I’m taking a risk that you’ll look somewhere else for fun.” Then she closed the door and walked into the church. I had to go home to the kids. (believe it or not, some people would take that as permission to…do whatever. I’m not that kind of guy.)

As for ‘marital intimacies,’ forget it. She has a medical problem that makes it too painful for her. We engage only several times a year. She’s never interested in it, never enjoys it because it hurts, and has no libido whatsoever. Her attitude is, “this is what I have to do if I want to stay married.” Have you any idea what a de-motivator that is for a guy?

The thing is, I see so many other couples who are really enjoying their time together. My wife’s idea of a fun evening is to lay on the sofa under a blanket and read. Day after day, night after night.

Maybe I should join a club.

Had you ever tried marital counseling? If she won’t go, would you consider going to individual counseling, then?

 

[mommamaree]

Is she avoiding emotional intimacy with you in order to eliminate the possibility it might lead to demands for physical intimacy. I am not saying you are demanding, just asking if her fear is overriding her better sense of the loving and concerned husband you really are.
Has she seen a doctor for the medical problems she is experiencing? Doctors can often help women who suffer with pain during intercourse.
From your description of things, she sounds very depressed and sad. Yes, her comment at the church did sound like an encouragement to sin, and I think it might be a good idea to talk with her about how that sounded, while letting her know that you are faithful no matter what. It sounds as if she is despairing, almost like she expects that she deserves to be left. That is so sad.
Another poster said to meet her where she is now. Yes! Sit with her on the couch with a book of your own. Talk with her about the kids, and then everyday, mention something interesting or new you hear or read about. Get out a board game to play. Don’t necessarily say anything. Just bring it out and set it down and see if she acts interested.
Forget about what you see other couples doing. You are seeing the highlight reel of a relationship when you observe other couples out on dates. I recently was able to go on a hand-holding romantic date with my husband for the first time in two years. The years were worth the wait. But we also didn’t quite know what to do with ourselves. I think, also, that next time you get to go out with your wife, inform her that it is a surprise, and she does not have to think or plan anything. Tell her the type of outfit that is appropriate, or even buy her a new outfit to surprise her with if you can. Insist gently upon her going, tell her how much fun you have planned, and just drag her along and be decisive.
Oh, one more thing. Have you and she tapered off a lot in cuddling and tender affection? I wondered if that had happened if she had pulled away in order to avoid painful sex. If this has happened, you need to find a way to reestablish regular affection without her feeling worried about what might come next. So that goes back to cuddling while reading together, or more hugs and kisses when you come home from work, or cuddling in bed before sleep. It might take a few weeks before she is responsive. She might seem jumpy at first.
I hope these ideas help. I didn’t want to presume to much, but at the same time, I can tell by your post that you love your wife and want very much to rekindle the romance between you and her. Good luck!

 

[Musician]

I see a lot of husbands post on CAF that their physical intimacy is missing. This just flabbergasts me. Surely there is something the doctors could do…? I can’t understand why husbands don’t explain that this part of marriage is very important for many reasons. I also can’t understand the apparent reluctance of so many women to take their marriage vows seriously. This seems like a very serious problem, not to be glossed over.

 

[Groo]

Doctors can’t fix a wife’s low interest level in her husband. Neither can marriage counselors.

 

[Groo]

I should clarify - doctors and counselors might be able to help when the wife wants change. But if she does not want to change, there is nothing they can do.

And judging by the tone of this post, I don’t sense any indication that the wife wants change. Best to cut your losses and move on with life. One can have a fulfilling life without an active marriage partner.

 

[Galbin]

I see a lot of husbands post on CAF that their physical intimacy is missing. This just flabbergasts me. Surely there is something the doctors could do…? I can’t understand why husbands don’t explain that this part of marriage is very important for many reasons. I also can’t understand the apparent reluctance of so many women to take their marriage vows seriously. This seems like a very serious problem, not to be glossed over.

I so agree. I am utterly astounded at the amount of men who post here that their wives won’t ever have sex with them. Also, you are right that these issues can almost always be fixed. There are so many things that can be done: from bioidentical hormones, to fixing a low thyroid, to medicines or even surgery for gynaecological problems. I cannot believe women just accept that they have no sex drive and then leave their husband to suffer. It would be understandable if they sought extensive medical help, therapy etc, and still nothing worked, but usually the women don’t even try anything to correct the problem.

Also, I firmly believe that lack of sex severely damages the intimacy and spiritual connection in a marriage.

 

[agapewolf]

so the last time you went on a date, you got in the car, drove around, and asked several questions of “do you wanna?”

You didn’t plan the date? Did you make her life easier leading up to it? Did you do acts of service, and take care of the extra life worries so she could relax on the date? Do you pray with her?

You apparently didn’t plan anything, so you didn’t take any time or put in any effort or creativity into pursuing her. I would be extremely hurt and want to be dropped off at the church as well to go cry to the true match who does pursue me.

A woman wants to be pursued and wooed. She needs connection every single day. She needs an event to look forward to and anticipate. A reason to get dressed up and put in extra effort in appearance for you.

 

[LongingSoul]

There’s a wonderful Catholic ministry in Australia called Men Alive that is about teaching men how to be a man/husband/father in the biblical spirit. It seems really active here as I’ve noticed it advertised in several of the parish bulletins.

Men often think they are great husbands because they treat their wives the way they’d like to be treated, but aren’t familiar with how a women needs and wants to be treated and regarded.

 

[maryjk]

**so the last time you went on a date, you got in the car, drove around, and asked several questions of “do you wanna?”
**
You didn’t plan the date? Did you make her life easier leading up to it? Did you do acts of service, and take care of the extra life worries so she could relax on the date? Do you pray with her?

You apparently didn’t plan anything, so you didn’t take any time or put in any effort or creativity into pursuing her. I would be extremely hurt and want to be dropped off at the church as well to go cry to the true match who does pursue me.

A woman wants to be pursued and wooed. She needs connection every single day. She needs an event to look forward to and anticipate. A reason to get dressed up and put in extra effort in appearance for you.

I wondered that too. A date night with no plans??

And the OP “had to go home to the kids?” Um, if it was a date night, why did you have to go home? Weren’t you suppose to be out doing something? Why couldn’t that something have been going into the church with her?

I have to say, I am not very exciting either. But when I am sitting on the couch, reading; my husband comes and sits on the couch with a book. If I am knitting, he will pop in a movie he knows I enjoy, and he will sit there with me and watch it.

I don’t have the energy I did when we married. Heck it was over 20 years ago. He doesn’t have that kind of energy either. But we BOTH work to make our time together, special.

 

[Galbin]

I wondered that too. A date night with no plans??

And the OP “had to go home to the kids?” Um, if it was a date night, why did you have to go home? Weren’t you suppose to be out doing something? Why couldn’t that something have been going into the church with her?

I have to say, I am not very exciting either. But when I am sitting on the couch, reading; my husband comes and sits on the couch with a book. If I am knitting, he will pop in a movie he knows I enjoy, and he will sit there with me and watch it.

I don’t have the energy I did when we married. Heck it was over 20 years ago. He doesn’t have that kind of energy either. But we BOTH work to make our time together, special.

This is true. My dh and I are newlyweds, and we only ever go out on dates once a month, MAX. However, we watch sports and shows we like together, and we used to go biking together before I got ill. We also send each other articles that we find online. For V Day we got a takeout meal and I set the table all fancy. Of course, we don’t have kids (hopefully we will some day), but I do believe that a couple can have date nights at home when the kids are in bed. My SAHM friends do things like watch movies, watch sports together, have homemade dinners etc. And dh and I are also lucky enough to be able to go on vacation once or twice a year.

Also, is your wife getting any further medical help? Is she willing to do any research into her condition? Does it affect her energy levels as well?

 

[PumpkinPies37]

Of course they can!

A medical doctor can help with painful intercourse, making a wife more interested.

A marriage counselor can help a couple work through problems, encouraging intimacy and stressing it’s importance. Women who feel loved and understood by a husband who is trying are definitely more interested in sex.

Yes. There is always more to the picture.

 

[on_the_hill]

Yes. There is always more to the picture.

Not much can be done about the painful intercourse.

She’s had multiple c-sections, and evidently the scar tissue build-up has shifted things out of place. The solution would be surgery, it’s major and there’s no guarantee of success. It might just end up with more scar tissue.

Some posters are correct: she has said that she doesn’t want me to feel motivated because she a) doesn’t want to turn me down, and b) doesn’t want to face the pain, either.

We do enjoy our time together–so long as it’s at home, around the house projects. We live in a small city with a vibrant, dynamic cultural life. There are many restaurants of all different types, and I’ve never been to any of them. There are music venues. Playhouses. National attractions. We’ve lived here since 1999. I’ve never been to any of them.

Over the past two years, she’s developed a few food allergies that are very difficult to work with eating out: no chocolate, no alcohol, no wheat, no preservatives. So we can’t really do much eating out. However, this has been our life for the past 10 years.

 

[Galbin]

Not much can be done about the painful intercourse.

She’s had multiple c-sections, and evidently the scar tissue build-up has shifted things out of place. The solution would be surgery, it’s major and there’s no guarantee of success. It might just end up with more scar tissue.

Some posters are correct: she has said that she doesn’t want me to feel motivated because she a) doesn’t want to turn me down, and b) doesn’t want to face the pain, either.

We do enjoy our time together–so long as it’s at home, around the house projects. We live in a small city with a vibrant, dynamic cultural life. There are many restaurants of all different types, and I’ve never been to any of them. There are music venues. Playhouses. National attractions. We’ve lived here since 1999. I’ve never been to any of them.

Over the past two years, she’s developed a few food allergies that are very difficult to work with eating out: no chocolate, no alcohol, no wheat, no preservatives. So we can’t really do much eating out. However, this has been our life for the past 10 years.

Oh my, that is rough re: scar tissue. Yet another reason to be mad about the way the birth process is managed in hospitals around the world. Anyway, that is another topic.

I don’t want to be graphic, but could you have relations without full intercourse? Or full intercourse in a way that doesn’t hurt her. I know ppl with disabilities often have to work around issues like this. Of course, I am not talking about inappropriate sexual activities, and it it tough to explain on a public forum!

As for not going anywhere, why don’t you do as the posters suggested and tell her you are planning a surprise date night? Most women love a chance to dress up and be treated to a night out.

What city do you live in? I do not live in the US, but have traveled there a lot. I am celiac so also cannot eat wheat, and I find the US has a ton of restaurants that cater to food allergies. So it’s not tough to find food that is gluten free and preservative free at all, as long as you are willing to google for a bit. In fact, if you tell me what city you live in I am sure I could find somewhere nice for you.

 

[LongingSoul]

on-the-hill,

what would happen if you were to surprise her with show or concert tickets for the two of you for a special occasion? I know that my husband is hesitant and actually I don’t think he has ever organised something in that way for me… and I don’t understand why. The irony is, that to me, that would indicate something really wonderful to me. I would feel loved by such an action. Sometimes I wonder whether he doesn’t want me to feel loved?

I accept that that’s the way it is because I wouldn’t want him to feel forced to do something he isn’t comfortable with… but your problem has raised that question in my mind now.

 

[on_the_hill]

Oh my, that is rough re: scar tissue. Yet another reason to be mad about the way the birth process is managed in hospitals around the world. Anyway, that is another topic.

I don’t want to be graphic, but could you have relations without full intercourse? Or full intercourse in a way that doesn’t hurt her. I know ppl with disabilities often have to work around issues like this. Of course, I am not talking about inappropriate sexual activities, and it it tough to explain on a public forum!

As for not going anywhere, why don’t you do as the posters suggested and tell her you are planning a surprise date night? Most women love a chance to dress up and be treated to a night out.

What city do you live in? I do not live in the US, but have traveled there a lot. I am celiac so also cannot eat wheat, and I find the US has a ton of restaurants that cater to food allergies. So it’s not tough to find food that is gluten free and preservative free at all, as long as you are willing to google for a bit. In fact, if you tell me what city you live in I am sure I could find somewhere nice for you.

Well, the first c-section came after hours and hours of labor that wasn’t progressing. The procedure was basically life saving.

The others happened after she went full term and showed no signs of going into labor.

As for celiac, etc., sure, there are ways around it. She very
Simply doesn’t want to.