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Groo
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Yeah, that would be more productive than most of the advice here.
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PumpkinPies37
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That sounds hopeful! That’s great!!
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CB_Catholic
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Nobody has mentioned attending a Marriage Encounter. Would she be agreeable to that?
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Xantippe
Guest
agapewolf said:
“so the last time you went on a date, you got in the car, drove around, and asked several questions of “do you wanna?” You didn’t plan the date?”
Yep. First plan the event, then schedule the date.
My husband and I have lately been doing just “shopping” dates, but it helps to go someplace new. Our next one is probably going to be an excursion to a cheese store. The husband REALLY likes cheese. We’ll probably go during the middle of the day on a weekday and take the baby (it still counts as a “date” if we don’t have the two big kids with us). We haven’t hired a sitter for well over a year–so expensive! Once the baby starts mother’s day out, we’ll be able to start sneaking out to matinees.
I told my husband about the OP. He also thought it was pretty weird to go out on a date without having planned it. Getting to go out is such a rarety that it needs to be planned like the Normandy invasion. They weren’t just cruising around the English Channel, talking aimlessly about which part of France they were going to invade!
“so the last time you went on a date, you got in the car, drove around, and asked several questions of “do you wanna?” You didn’t plan the date?”
Yep. First plan the event, then schedule the date.
My husband and I have lately been doing just “shopping” dates, but it helps to go someplace new. Our next one is probably going to be an excursion to a cheese store. The husband REALLY likes cheese. We’ll probably go during the middle of the day on a weekday and take the baby (it still counts as a “date” if we don’t have the two big kids with us). We haven’t hired a sitter for well over a year–so expensive! Once the baby starts mother’s day out, we’ll be able to start sneaking out to matinees.
I told my husband about the OP. He also thought it was pretty weird to go out on a date without having planned it. Getting to go out is such a rarety that it needs to be planned like the Normandy invasion. They weren’t just cruising around the English Channel, talking aimlessly about which part of France they were going to invade!
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Xantippe
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on_the_hill said:
“When we go somewhere together as a couple, it’s to go shopping. When we have a conversation it’s about the kids, or the house, or work. I see other couples and they go places, go on dates, hold hands. We don’t do that stuff anymore. We’ve been married 18 years and have been together as a couple for 21.”
When you manage to go out on an actual date, the kids, the house and work probably need to be off-limits. You can announce that in advance and try to stick to it.
It might resemble the Monty Python routine where the older married couple goes to a restaurant that provides a menu of conversations, but it will be something.
“Maybe I should join a club.”
Yes, so you’d have something to talk about. Avoid ones with too many cute younger women, of course.
Is your wife depressed? Could you have her evaluated for depression? Even an OB/GYN might have an evaluation form for depression?
If you guys manage to get on decently well just on a day-to-day basis, that’s something not everybody has (particularly not frequent posters on this forum).
“When we go somewhere together as a couple, it’s to go shopping. When we have a conversation it’s about the kids, or the house, or work. I see other couples and they go places, go on dates, hold hands. We don’t do that stuff anymore. We’ve been married 18 years and have been together as a couple for 21.”
When you manage to go out on an actual date, the kids, the house and work probably need to be off-limits. You can announce that in advance and try to stick to it.
It might resemble the Monty Python routine where the older married couple goes to a restaurant that provides a menu of conversations, but it will be something.
“Maybe I should join a club.”
Yes, so you’d have something to talk about. Avoid ones with too many cute younger women, of course.
Is your wife depressed? Could you have her evaluated for depression? Even an OB/GYN might have an evaluation form for depression?
If you guys manage to get on decently well just on a day-to-day basis, that’s something not everybody has (particularly not frequent posters on this forum).
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Galbin
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Labour often fails to progress because of the way birth is managed in the western world, particularly the US. Hence why the US has one of the highest C section rates in tithe world. Anyway, that’s whole 'nother rabbithole. Suffice it to say, the whole thing makes me so angry for the men and women who suffer so much because of it.
Does she say why she doesn’t want to go out to dinner? Does she never go out, to visit with friends etc.? She sounds a bit depressed.
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Galbin
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Yes, I would really recommend doing the Love Languages quiz! Dh and I discovered the Love Languages during our engagement. And I think they are so important in a relationship. My main love language is Words of Affirmation, which is fourth for dh.
Whereas his is quality time, which is fourth for me. Luckily we both have the same one in second place: physical touch. So dh has to make a real effort to love me with words of affirmation. And, as weird as it sounds, spending time together isn’t as much of a sign of romantic love to me.I have also known a few ppl who said that finding out their love languages helped save their marriages.
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Galbin
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Yes, why didn’t you plan the date? I don’t understand…
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Petaro
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I am familiar with Men Alive, which takes seriously in its Catholic ministry as lay men the need to be great husbands and more importantly great fathers, especially to their sons. Many young men do not get the example they need to be good family men. It is a great work.
I must admit that many women have taken a prima role thinking that they can ignore their vows and still expect all things to be tikkity do in their marriages. Not the majority of course, however, this problem will not go away unless answered from both sides.
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Galbin
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I totally agree; however in this case it sounds like the sexual problems really may not be physically fixable.
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Pax2u
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No person wants to have sex when it hurts. Your wife probably avoids any kind of intimate conversation other than the “basics” (kids, house, etc.) because she thinks you are going to want it to lead to sex, which hurts her. It would not be a pleasant feeling to think your husband’s affection and esteem for you are hinged on whether or not you can have sex. I’m sure she IS depressed…it would be hard not to be when you can’t be physically intimate with your husband without pain.
My suggestion would be…pick a quiet and stress-free moment, and tell her that you understand sex is painful, and you do not want her to ever feel like you “expect” anything. That your love for her is not contingent on sex. That you want to feel close to her by hugging, holding hands, spending fun times together instead. And then prove it by treating her with tenderness, planning some fun outings (so you aren’t in the car and asking “So what do you want to do?”), etc. Tell her going to a show, or out for coffee, or a walk and holding her hand are enough for you. If you do these things and she sees that you are sincere, maybe more will happen because she feels unconditionally loved and safe. If you are only doing it to “get something” don’t look for that to happen. If private matters were common knowledge, you would probably be surprised at the number of couples who have little sexual activity in their relationships, and still have good relationships.
My suggestion would be…pick a quiet and stress-free moment, and tell her that you understand sex is painful, and you do not want her to ever feel like you “expect” anything. That your love for her is not contingent on sex. That you want to feel close to her by hugging, holding hands, spending fun times together instead. And then prove it by treating her with tenderness, planning some fun outings (so you aren’t in the car and asking “So what do you want to do?”), etc. Tell her going to a show, or out for coffee, or a walk and holding her hand are enough for you. If you do these things and she sees that you are sincere, maybe more will happen because she feels unconditionally loved and safe. If you are only doing it to “get something” don’t look for that to happen. If private matters were common knowledge, you would probably be surprised at the number of couples who have little sexual activity in their relationships, and still have good relationships.
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Cat
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If there is a physical reason for the pain, a doctor can help. There are several physical conditions that I can think of that would cause pain in intercourse, and these have been discussed intelligently and helpfully many times on CAF over the years.
If there is a psychological reasons, doctors can also help, although it’s likely that a psychologist or psychiatrist will be more helpful than an M.D.
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Xantippe
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Galbin said:
“I totally agree; however in this case it sounds like the sexual problems really may not be physically fixable.”
If intercourse causes pain, then it’s not surprising if she is avoiding intercourse and anything she suspects will lead to intercourse.
In fact, that’s another condition to add in advance to dates–explaining that you aren’t planning to have sex with her that night and that while if she asked you wouldn’t turn her down, it would actually probably be best for your relationship if date night had fewer expectations on both sides. I expect the reason she fled to church in the OP was that she was afraid of having sex. Tell her that while you would like to have sex more, you also want to talk to her and have fun with her. Then take turns choosing date activities. If she wants to go to Best Buy on her night to choose, go ahead, but then you get to take her rollerskating or bowling, or whatever you feel like.
You might also suggest that there needs to be a routine of doing something together for at least a little bit every evening, even if it’s just TV. My husband and I generally watch a British mystery series before bed–there’s something very relaxing about the combination of murder and British accents, but it could be anything.
“I totally agree; however in this case it sounds like the sexual problems really may not be physically fixable.”
If intercourse causes pain, then it’s not surprising if she is avoiding intercourse and anything she suspects will lead to intercourse.
In fact, that’s another condition to add in advance to dates–explaining that you aren’t planning to have sex with her that night and that while if she asked you wouldn’t turn her down, it would actually probably be best for your relationship if date night had fewer expectations on both sides. I expect the reason she fled to church in the OP was that she was afraid of having sex. Tell her that while you would like to have sex more, you also want to talk to her and have fun with her. Then take turns choosing date activities. If she wants to go to Best Buy on her night to choose, go ahead, but then you get to take her rollerskating or bowling, or whatever you feel like.
You might also suggest that there needs to be a routine of doing something together for at least a little bit every evening, even if it’s just TV. My husband and I generally watch a British mystery series before bed–there’s something very relaxing about the combination of murder and British accents, but it could be anything.
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maryjk
Guest
Come on now. Simply doesn’t want to?
Or doesn’t want to have to deal with calling the restaurant before hand, asking to speak with the manager when you arrive, verifying that the waiter has spoken to the manager, checking to make sure the food delivered is actually *your *food, then getting sick anyway?
May I suggest that you pack a gluten free (and anything else free that she needs) dinner and have a picnic. You can even speak to a hotel manager so you can set it up inside if the weather doesn’t cooperate.
So make it clear to her that you aren’t looking for more than a cuddle. It sounds like she doesn’t want to get to close because all she can think about is the pain that is to come.
Men, imagine it, the time when you are suppose to feel the closest to your spouse, instead you feel pain. I am pretty sure, that in her mind, it isn’t worth it. And if a cuddle on the couch tends to lead to a trip to the bedroom, I can see why a woman wouldn’t want to cuddle on the couch.
It sounds like you guys need to step up the communication. That and realize that you are not the people you were 20 years ago.
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HollyDolly
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Well,I’m just an old maid with cats,but here goes.Firstshe needs a checkup by the doctor .There are medical procedures or even medicine that can help with the painful intercourse. Maybe you need to ask her to be honest.Are you using your condition as just an excuse not to have sex? Do you think that after all these years I’m terrible at it,or too demanding or what? I want us to get back to where we were before.Not just sex,honey,but
to just go and have fun going to the moviesplaying miniature golf or whatever we just to do back when we were dating.
How old are the kids? If they get along fairly well,if the oldest is 15 or 16,they could watch the younger ones. Plan your nightout or even jjust an afternoon. Does she like movies?
Where I live,I can go to an early movie on say Saturday or Sunday ,and then go have dinner at Texas Roadhouse next door.
Maybe you could do something like that. Offer to go to the grocerystore and do the shopping.Buy some flowers there and bring them home. Tell her you brought them to bring some sunlight to her.Of course their beauty can’t compare to hers and that she’s the sunlight in your life. Do various things to help out if you don’t already.
Other than that,maybe join a group at church or work,if you try all our suggestions and nothing works.She has to change not just you. If you have any relatives who live close like her mom or aunt or someone on your side of the family talk to her. Intamecy is more than just sex. Most people only think in that term,not other areas;which might be what she is doing.
to just go and have fun going to the moviesplaying miniature golf or whatever we just to do back when we were dating.
How old are the kids? If they get along fairly well,if the oldest is 15 or 16,they could watch the younger ones. Plan your nightout or even jjust an afternoon. Does she like movies?
Where I live,I can go to an early movie on say Saturday or Sunday ,and then go have dinner at Texas Roadhouse next door.
Maybe you could do something like that. Offer to go to the grocerystore and do the shopping.Buy some flowers there and bring them home. Tell her you brought them to bring some sunlight to her.Of course their beauty can’t compare to hers and that she’s the sunlight in your life. Do various things to help out if you don’t already.
Other than that,maybe join a group at church or work,if you try all our suggestions and nothing works.She has to change not just you. If you have any relatives who live close like her mom or aunt or someone on your side of the family talk to her. Intamecy is more than just sex. Most people only think in that term,not other areas;which might be what she is doing.
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on_the_hill
Guest
When she was first diagnosed she was relieved to learn that it was not psychosomatic. So at least we’ve got that going for us.
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on_the_hill
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Thank you, everyone. There are way to many replies with way too much good advice for me to address all of them. I’m reading them, though.
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on_the_hill
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It was basically planned. I thought we’d go have a coffee. After we started out, she decided she didn’t want coffee.
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DAML72
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We had this problem in my marriage. I thought there was something physically wrong with me. It turns out, once I was free of his subtle but damaging emotional abuse, my libido came roaring back.
There are a lot of reasons why women can become distant and lose their libidos - not all of them, unfortunately, can be treated by a doctor.
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