My husband played D&D excessively in college and still plays when he can find a group and has the time. it has never led him to occult activities. Rather, he believes it has taught him strategy and tactical thinking that has helped him as a military officer. He’s also my first-line research as a writer of fantasy and sci-fi. He’s great for helping me come up with a way into or out of a nasty situation for my characters or to give me the perfect monster, bad guy, cliche, etc.
As far as “role-playing a character who can do anything they want (kill, steal, lie),” it depends on how good your dungeon master is. I’d say that video games do far more of that than a well-run D&D campaign. In D&D you have to know how to apply the talents your character has. In a really good game, you get the chance to do things that have nothing to do with fighting or collecting treasure. (Rob’s favorite D&D memory is when he stopped a barfight by casting a “Listen to me!” spell. He then berated the patrons for half an hour on the evils of violence, strong drink, improper hygene, etc.)
I have three boys who are interested in it as well. We recently started a family campaign. It has been hilarious fun–and we’re teaching the kids there are consequences to the video-game mentality of kill and loot.
Because we are military and move every 3 years, online gaming is the way my husband keeps in contact with his friends. They get together for an hour to run a mission–rescue a maiden from some orcs, get a treasure for some poor town, etc. Is this any different from going to watch a football game with the guys? (Other than they have more side conversation on-line and actually have to engage their brains.)
By the same token, he’s been known to spend an hour on-line clicking a key every couple of minutes while his dwarf character bakes blueberry muffins. Is that a sin? Between the two, I’d rather he go fight a balrog with his buddies–at least he’s interacting with other humans.