Duties of Married life and a Dysfunctional Upbringing

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prolifeteenager

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Hello friends,

I have been seriously mulling over how a married person is supposed to respond to a severely dysfunctional family. Growing up I knew my parents had marital issues. It effected me to a degree, but I never truly realized the extend of the dysfunction in my family until I got married. To make a long story short, I cannot communicate with my family without being reprimanded for things that I am not responsible for or when I apologize it is not accepted. Any attempt at reconciliation is met with repudiation and contempt. In the eyes of my parents and consequently the rest of the family, I am a permanent enemy. They think they are holier than me and continue to tell me what a sinner I am.

Before I got married, I had a reasonably sound relationship with my family despite a few minor issues that were leftover from my parents marital issues. But, in the months leading up to my marriage and especially since, there has been nothing but turmoil. In my weakness, I will admit that I let a few hurtful words go, but I quickly made a sincere apology to those involved. But I have not been allowed to live it down. It seems like those mistakes are unforgivable to them.

My family has decided my character is flawed (which is false since I have been the only one attempting to reconcile). In addition my piety has also been attacked and questioned for explaining myself to my parents. They say I am not honoring the 4th commandment.

So, with that said, as a married person, how can I let go of the guilt of not being able to heal the relationship? I am plagued with guilt when I decide to move on and ignore them. Do I sin if I decide to not interact with them and wait for them to do their part to heal the relationship ? Is it not my responsibility to take care of my husband and family first before them? I feel like I fail God if I move on in life without taking care of this. But I can honestly say I have tried everything with the exclusion of allowing them to physically harm me. They have already done so much physiological damage, I am not sure how to recover.

It seems as though there is so much pressure in our faith on the child to please the parent. What happens when nothing pleases the parent?

God bless you all. Thank you for any help with this problem.
 
I, too, came from a very dysfunctional family and it took YEARS to undo the damage done growing up in the house hold

My advice? Get a good therapist or a good spiritual director to help you with this. A few responses on a website will never heal you of the wounds you have sustained growing up in such a situation.

You have been deeply wounded, and it’s going to take time, probably some years, to get healthy and move on.

Good luck! and God bless. 🙂
 
prolifeteenager said:
Hello friends,

I have been seriously mulling over how a married person is supposed to respond to a severely dysfunctional family. Growing up I knew my parents had marital issues. It effected me to a degree, but I never truly realized the extend of the dysfunction in my family until I got married. To make a long story short, I cannot communicate with my family without being reprimanded for things that I am not responsible for or when I apologize it is not accepted. Any attempt at reconciliation is met with repudiation and contempt. In the eyes of my parents and consequently the rest of the family, I am a permanent enemy. They think they are holier than me and continue to tell me what a sinner I am.

Remember that we are all sinners. If there us something from your past you haven’t confessed, then do so. But if you have been to confession, you are forgiven and should not carry around any burden just because your family cannot let it go. It is their problem, not yours.

Before I got married, I had a reasonably sound relationship with my family despite a few minor issues that were leftover from my parents marital issues. But, in the months leading up to my marriage and especially since, there has been nothing but turmoil. In my weakness, I will admit that I let a few hurtful words go, but I quickly made a sincere apology to those involved. But I have not been allowed to live it down. It seems like those mistakes are unforgivable to them.

You apologized. You can do no more than that. If they won’t accept your apology, it is on them.

My family has decided my character is flawed (which is false since I have been the only one attempting to reconcile). In addition my piety has also been attacked and questioned for explaining myself to my parents. They say I am not honoring the 4th commandment.

And that is because you are the convenient scapegoat. If they can continue to blame you, they don’t have to admit their faults or their parts in what goes on.

So, with that said, as a married person, how can I let go of the guilt of not being able to heal the relationship?

OP, you have **tried **to heal the relationship. You have apologized. You cannot make them forgive you and reconcile if they have decided they don’t want to. You should let it go.

I am plagued with guilt when I decide to move on and ignore them.

Sometimes that is all you can do. You should continue to be respectful about them to others in conversation, but you are not obligated to receive their abuse. Do I sin if I decide to not interact with them and wait for them to do their part to heal the relationship ?

It is not a sin. You are not disrespecting them, you are just not in contact with them. And until they are willing to behave lovingly, you do not have to continue to speak words that fall on deaf ears. It can’t all be one way. It’s not as if you haven’t tried. Is it not my responsibility to take care of my husband and family first before them?

Yes, it is. You husband and your children are your first responsibility. I feel like I fail God if I move on in life without taking care of this. But I can honestly say I have tried everything with the exclusion of allowing them to physically harm me.

You are not failing God, because you have tried and they are not interested in reconciling. You have to have boundaries with toxic people. And in this case, it calls for separation. They have already done so much physiological damage, I am not sure how to recover.

It seems as though there is so much pressure in our faith on the child to please the parent. What happens when nothing pleases the parent?

You are no longer a child. You have a family of your own. They are your primary concern now. Your faith asks you to respect your parents. It does not ask you to withstand abuse to be in contact at any cost. It is not fair to your husband and children that you are living with this misguided guilt.

God bless you all. Thank you for any help with this problem.
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I hope this helps, but have you spoken to your parish priest? If not, please make an appointment.
 
Sounds like it’s time to let go. I know it’s hard, but it may be the only thing to do in this situation. Whatever you do, I hope you find peace.
 
TheAmazingGrace said:
Sounds like it’s time to let go. I know it’s hard, but it may be the only thing to do in this situation. Whatever you do, I hope you find peace.
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Agreed,👍

Sometimes we need to let go , and create our own life,preferably some distance away,
 
prolifeteenager said:
Hello friends,

I have been seriously mulling over how a married person is supposed to respond to a severely dysfunctional family. Growing up I knew my parents had marital issues. It effected me to a degree, but I never truly realized the extend of the dysfunction in my family until I got married. To make a long story short, I cannot communicate with my family without being reprimanded for things that I am not responsible for or when I apologize it is not accepted. Any attempt at reconciliation is met with repudiation and contempt. In the eyes of my parents and consequently the rest of the family, I am a permanent enemy. They think they are holier than me and continue to tell me what a sinner I am.

Before I got married, I had a reasonably sound relationship with my family despite a few minor issues that were leftover from my parents marital issues. But, in the months leading up to my marriage and especially since, there has been nothing but turmoil. In my weakness, I will admit that I let a few hurtful words go, but I quickly made a sincere apology to those involved. But I have not been allowed to live it down. It seems like those mistakes are unforgivable to them.

My family has decided my character is flawed (which is false since I have been the only one attempting to reconcile). In addition my piety has also been attacked and questioned for explaining myself to my parents. They say I am not honoring the 4th commandment.

So, with that said, as a married person, how can I let go of the guilt of not being able to heal the relationship? I am plagued with guilt when I decide to move on and ignore them. Do I sin if I decide to not interact with them and wait for them to do their part to heal the relationship ? Is it not my responsibility to take care of my husband and family first before them? I feel like I fail God if I move on in life without taking care of this. But I can honestly say I have tried everything with the exclusion of allowing them to physically harm me. They have already done so much physiological damage, I am not sure how to recover.

It seems as though there is so much pressure in our faith on the child to please the parent. What happens when nothing pleases the parent?

God bless you all. Thank you for any help with this problem.
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I think Most people had some sort of dysfunction. My wife never had a dad in the picture and my dad died when I was 19 and my mom is extremely critical. It doesn’t negatively affect our marriage or children. It may actually be a reason we have such a healthy family.
 
You must let it go and put your husband and family first.

Yes, it is hard to be confident that you have drawn the line in the right place without being unfair to your parental family, but you have to make the best call you can and not agonize over it.

I can present my ex-wife (of 10 years of marriage) as an extreme example of how all this can go wrong. I am confident that the similarities are limited - but may be helpful.

My ex-wife spent more of her mental life worrying about her problems with her parents and brothers and sisters, and attempting to appease them, than she spent on myself and our children. Over ten years we spent more time discussing these issues than anything else. It was very, very damaging. I kept wanting to say to her: “You’ve got a good husband, and three healthy children - can’t you just be happy with what you’ve got?”

A factor in our case, which may or may not apply in yours, is that her family rejected myself as her husband with quite overt rudeness. It was particularly galling to me that she never made a stand over this with them.

So, I leave a question - does your family treat your husband well?
 
I think the example of Edmundus’ wife is valuable. Do not obsess about this. As you have said, your parents can’t be pleased. My dad is like that, so I understand what it means to be manipulated and degraded. I personally decided to draw the line when he started nonsense regarding my baby. With such people there are no boundaries. I have to an extent healed from my very dysfunctional upbringing and am now able to have a healthy family of my own. But I have to be vigilant about some of my tendencies and correct things when my husband points things out.

Basically, you don’t have to be a doormat, a punching bag to your parents. You do have an obligation towards your family. You can heal but you must draw boundaries first.
 
Edmundus1581 said:
My ex-wife spent more of her mental life worrying about her problems with her parents and brothers and sisters, and attempting to appease them, than she spent on myself and our children. Over ten years we spent more time discussing these issues than anything else. It was very, very damaging. I kept wanting to say to her: “You’ve got a good husband, and three healthy children - can’t you just be happy with what you’ve got?”
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PLEASE take this to heart. This sounds like a good man who at the end of the day is human and could no longer take being second to distunctional in-laws. If you have a good husband, holding on to him should be enough of a motivator to let go of your parents.

I know it is HARD and it probably will always be. No matter how much healing you do, Christmas comes around every year and there will be sadness that you can’t have a nice get together with them. But, it does get easier.

I have never married and I had to make a hard and fast rule to NEVER be in the same room as my abusive brother again. I got a LOT of heat from my parents. But I stuck it out and I can honestly say, it was the best thing for me. It has meant that I no even see aunts and uncles because my brother will be at the function. But would I ever go in the same room as my brother to save me from the loneliness? NEVER (unless of course God works his miracles and my brother repents).

And when I think that you have a supportive husband, I really believe it with prayer, you will get over the guit

Angie
 
Edmundus1581 said:
You must let it go and put your husband and family first.

Yes, it is hard to be confident that you have drawn the line in the right place without being unfair to your parental family, but you have to make the best call you can and not agonize over it.

I can present my ex-wife (of 10 years of marriage) as an extreme example of how all this can go wrong. I am confident that the similarities are limited - but may be helpful.

My ex-wife spent more of her mental life worrying about her problems with her parents and brothers and sisters, and attempting to appease them, than she spent on myself and our children. Over ten years we spent more time discussing these issues than anything else. It was very, very damaging. I kept wanting to say to her: “You’ve got a good husband, and three healthy children - can’t you just be happy with what you’ve got?”

A factor in our case, which may or may not apply in yours, is that her family rejected myself as her husband with quite overt rudeness. It was particularly galling to me that she never made a stand over this with them.

So, I leave a question - does your family treat your husband well?
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Excellent thoughts.

OP, do not put your husband in this position that he always feels like second place. It is unfair and is bound to cause resentment. Put a stop to it early in your marriage, not years later. Your marriage will be stronger if you do so.
 
One of the problems I’m facing is that my family is not simply a friend who I can decide to separate from without much scandal. In the eyes of many extended family my family has always been “perfect”. I used to work hard to do really well in school just because my parents would have disapproved of my life. They wanted to look better than their siblings. And a lot of times I was caught in the mix.

I never had time or space to discover who I was apart from my parents. So It was really difficult when all of this happened after I got married. I just wanted so bad for my parents to be interested in wanting me back in their life but this time as their adult child. But I think they really do think I am more trouble for than than I am good. And I don’t know how to move past that after being obedient for so long to their wishes. I was the “catholic” child in my family growing up. While my whole family is catholic, I was the one who bled Catholicism. Which is why I think my parents told me I wasn’t being holy… because they know I would be devastated by that accusation.

Its just hard. I’m not opening up too much to my husband because I don’t want him to have to carry this all the time. But he agrees that its not me that is the problem. I just wish I could see it. I don’t want to feel hurt or angry or anything negative. I want to move past this and be able to have positive feelings for my parents. But, I guess they don’t want that. I am trying to relinquish my feelings of responsibility for this mess; namely their actions. But it has proved to be very hard once their voice is in my head constantly accusing me of their actions. I think it has broken my conscience. I am overly sensitive to guilt and it tempts me to despair.
 
I’m confused by this post because in your last thread (about a month ago) you stated your mom was consoling you but now she is tormenting you. Which one is it?
 
bitterhope said:
I’m confused by this post because in your last thread (about a month ago) you stated your mom was consoling you but now she is tormenting you. Which one is it?
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That was a question concerning many months ago. It was not a post relating to current events. I was feeling scrupulous about the past.

Since then everything has gone down hill. Hence this post. 👍
 
prolifeteenager said:
That was a question concerning many months ago. It was not a post relating to current events. I was feeling scrupulous about the past.

Since then everything has gone down hill. Hence this post. 👍
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I’m sorry things are so confusing in your family. I will pray for you and I encourage you to place your husband and marriage first. If and when children come into the picture you will need that strong bond with your spouse. Your commitment is to your husband, not your family of origin. Many prayers for you.
 
I suggest you read up about codependency. It was an eye opener for me.

Any chance of seeinga psychologist? It could be quite helpful for you since you haven’t managed to distance yourself emotionally from the situation and seem to be afraid to even question things.
 
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